Always Remember

by Hestand, Rita

  "Yeah, thanks," he said, his eyes not leaving hers. "So…" he drawled looking at the creek instead of her now. "Tell me about everyone."

  He sat down beside her after taking his sword and gun off. He adjusted his shirt, pulling it up and out of his pants. He looked relaxed, and tired. The thin cotton shirt did nothing to hide his bulging muscles. She almost blushed. "Rose is fine, she’s missed you. She—"

  "Stop right there. You don’t have to tell me about Rose. I know about Rose, Josey." He muttered thickly, picking a pebble up and skipping it across the water’s edge.

  "Oh?" she tried to sound surprised.

  "I mean…we’ve been here two weeks. And I was hungry for the site of everyone, so I watched her go into the barn with Hank, in the field with Jacob and behind the house with George. I saw it all, the whole ugly truth. I had a feeling this might happen, but I’d hoped…"

  Josey turned beet red. What could she say to console him, to defend her sister? Now she understood how Mama felt when she couldn’t speak up. How could she possibly tell him about Rose? This kind of conversation was too awkward.

  There were things he should know, things Rose should tell him. She didn’t know what to say now.

  A wayward sigh escaped her lips. "I…I…don’t know what to say…"

  He turned toward her, tugging her chin so she looked into his eyes. "You don’t have to say anything…" he began. His words were soft, his eyes full of emotions. "It changes things, considerably, of course. I can’t marry her—won’t, is a better word. I wasn’t that in love with her anyway."

  Josey gasped. "You weren’t?"

  "That surprises you? Rose is not a woman to be handled. She selfishly seeks love no matter who she is with or where she is at. When I saw what she was doing I began to understand her better. I’ve seen a few like her before. I don’t know what makes her the way she is. I can’t begin to understand. I only hope she doesn’t break my brother’s heart. Because he doesn’t give of himself that freely. When he decides he wants something, he goes after it. But he isn’t frivolous. He’s serious. They are very different in some ways and very alike in others. He might just be the one to tame her wild heart."

  "Aren’t you upset…mad?" she asked frowning at him.

  "I was at first. But I’ve had time to reflect. It’s better for me to find out now, before I married her, than later. Besides, my heart wasn’t in my proposal to her. I knew that. I just wanted to have someone to come home to, to think about during this blasted war. Every man wants that. In a way, perhaps I am as guilty as she."

  Josey sighed heavily. If only he would see the love in her eyes for him.

  "She’s beautiful, but she has much to learn of life yet. I guess this war has changed me, made me see things more clearly. I think of Rose and I see flowers and sunshine and fantasy. I don’t see those kinds of things. War is hell, and not at all pretty. But it gets a man to thinking what is important in life. What he really wants. And I know what I want."

  "I’m so sorry. We sort of got used to thinking of you as family." Josey stilled herself. It wasn’t the time to offer comfort. He had to handle his grief. "Leroy…there are some things you don’t know about Rose. I just don’t have the courage to tell them…but you should know…then maybe you could understand her better. She’s a wonderful person in so many ways."

  "Nothing can change what I saw, Josey. Nor how I feel in my own heart. As I say, I loved her, but for all the wrong reasons a man loves a woman. She was beautiful, short and simple. She takes a man's breath away to look at her. But she has no heart." He stared out at the creek again. "There’s just no way. I will commit to a woman that can’t be faithful. I’d hoped that wouldn’t be so hard for her…but apparently I was wrong." He looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "I asked her to marry because I wanted to be a part of your family. I have to admit I love all the Andersons."

  Josey pinked.

  "Including you…" He smiled. "Did you think I didn’t? A man begins to see what’s important in life when he realizes it can be taken from him at any moment."

  "I can’t begin to understand what it must be like for you and the others here…I looked about this camp, and see the sadness in their eyes. I wished I could wipe the sadness away for them and make things better."

  "You’re such a feeling, caring person, Josey. So real. The man that gets you is going to be very lucky."

  Her heart did a nose dive. The man that gets her? Not him?

  "To see so much death and to begin to question your own morals. It isn’t the war itself; it’s what war does to men. Killing someone isn’t easy Josey, but realizing some of them are younger than Hank…is hard to bear. Hard to justify to yourself. Seeing the look of disbelief on their dead faces is enough to make a man rethink himself." He shuddered and then glanced at her. "But enough of this talk. I don’t want the realities of the war to mar your wonderful outlook on life. So tell me…how’s your mother?" he asked as though tired of talking about the war.

  Josey fell silent, she’d been strong until he’d asked that, but the news of her mother’s illness ate at her like a festering sore. Her stomach roiled. Her face paled. She walked to the creek’s edge and stared down at the rolling water. "Oh Leroy, she’s sick…so very sick. She tries so hard to pretend she isn’t. But I see a little more every day. She’s weaker, she falters more. She has something called a cancer, and it’s eating her alive."

  He came to stand beside her again, and took her hand in his. "I had no idea, honey. I'm so sorry. Is there anything to be done about it?"

  Josey gulped her tears down till they nearly choked her, but one floated in her eye, and stayed there as she looked into his handsome face. "She’s dying, Leroy…and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. I don’t know what I’ll do without her."

  "Oh God, I’m so sorry, Josey." He took her in his arms, pulled her closer, and cradled her. "I shouldn’t have asked. But I had no idea…Is there no hope for her?"

  "I don’t know…she doesn’t think so. Neither did I, until a few days ago. She told me. She told me many things…and all of them scared me witless. I know I’ve got to be strong. I’ve got to take on the responsibility of the farm, and look after Rose."

  "Josey…Josey honey, don’t be afraid." He touched his lips to her cheek this time, and held her so close she couldn’t move away, if she’d wanted to. He cradled her head in the crook of his arm, and then laid her down so he could look into her face. He leaned over her, his finger reached to swipe the tear that fell away. He shook his head; his voice was low, husky, and almost raspy as he stared into her face. "Did you know you’ve grown into the most beautiful woman…I’ve ever seen."

  "You shouldn’t say that." Why had he said such a thing? Rose was the pretty one. "You’re telling me that to take my mind off Mama and all. I understand…"

  "No, I’m telling you that because it’s the truth." His lips hovered above her. "Just don’t let it go to your head. You are so young…so sweet."

  She gasped. Everything changed in that moment.

  His intense gaze caught her off guard, but his words warmed her heart, and she’d hold them dear forever. His eyes held hers now, so dark and brooding.

  "I’m not marrying Rose, Josey. I don’t love her, not enough that is. Maybe she killed the love, maybe the war did. I can’t love her after what I saw. I’m not a fool. Maybe I never did truly love her. A man goes to war, and he wants to think there is someone at home who is waiting for him to return. She was beautiful, charming even, but I knew very quickly once I’d left that we were not right for each other. When you love someone…really love someone, it should be forever. And, it should break your heart to leave them. When I left her there on the porch I just thought of her beauty, but not what was in our hearts. I need more substance from my wife than she’ll be able to give. I need…so much more than a romp in the hay. I need a woman like Texas…with staying power, with real love to offer."

  "Leroy, this has hurt you, I know. But please talk with Mama. You
might change your mind when you hear…"

  "Honey, I’m not naïve. I know Rose couldn’t be faithful. I understand there’s something wrong. I’m not sure what, but it’s something I can’t fix for her." He rolled his eyes, touched his lips to her hand and stared into her eyes so intently she colored. "And I know my brother. He’d never do anything to hurt me, unless he couldn’t help himself. And with Rose, I’m sure he couldn’t. In a way, I hope he can control her better than I."

  "But…"

  This time his lips were closer, and she knew to kiss him would be pure heaven. She wanted it so badly, just to touch his lips to hers again.

  Josey let her tears escape now.

  "I’m sorry. I guess that hurts you, truly, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Please don’t cry." His frown was sincere.

  And suddenly he kissed her, soft and sweet and full on the lips and Josey was lost. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let him go, for giving her this one wish, but she dare not. When he pulled away he smiled contritely.

  "I’m sorry; I had no right to do that."

  She moved away. "Don’t apologize. Don’t ruin it."

  She gasped at her own audacity. She hadn’t meant to say the words. But it was too late.

  "I’m not…Josey…" He moved to pull her back into his arms, but she moved away.

  Josey tried to smile as she made her escape, hoping he’d understand, because if she didn’t put some space between them, she wouldn’t be able to control her own reactions.

  "I’ll have to tell her soon," he admitted watching her. She nodded, unable to voice her feelings right now.

  But his next words almost stopped her heart. "Josey," His eyes penetrated her. "I meant the kiss…both of them. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time. And I’m sure this isn’t the right time too."

  She couldn't look away from him now and purposely rooted herself where she stood. "Don’t say anymore yet…it’s too soon. Give yourself some time to get over Rose."

  "All right." His voice was low, throaty. "But it won’t change anything. I wanted that kiss ever since I saw that soldier’s arms around you. If I’d have got there a minute later it would have been too late. I would have killed him, Josey, without regret. And I’m not sorry. I’ll never be sorry for kissing you either. I only wish I had done it before. I know this probably shocks you and I wish I could explain my feelings right now. I can’t make you understand what I have seen, and why I feel so differently. Don’t think me too unkind to Rose. Her love for me was never intense. The war has changed everything. I cannot help that. War can do that to any man. It makes him see so much, feel so much."

  She felt her breath leave her as she stared at him with tears in her eyes.

  "And the kiss was as sweet as I knew it would be." He smiled sadly.

  He seemed to realize she couldn’t handle this conversation so he changed tactics. " Look, tomorrow we’ll check to see if they have left and if so, I'll take you home"”

  She nodded, unable to say anything without showing her own heart. He'd changed the subject so abruptly she wasn't sure what to say.

  He made her a comfortable bed not far from the fire, and he lay opposite her. Long after she pretended to sleep, she could feel his stare on her and it warmed her heart. His words were so dear to her and his kiss was like the touch of a feather. Dear God…she loved him.

  The next morning, she woke to a stiffened body. She stretched and tried to move about, but everything hurt.

  "Are you all right?" he asked, as he glanced at her when he came back to his side. "Yeah, why?"

  "You look a little flushed is all. Are you feeling all right?" He inquired again, his eyes taking her in one swoop.

  His hand reached to touch her cheek, and he frowned. "You’ve a fever," he growled.

  This early in the morning, he looked wild and dangerous and Josey tried to scoff at his prediction, but she had to admit, she was feeling peaked.

  "We’ll get you home quickly."

  "I’ll be fine, really."

  "You don’t understand, there’s been an outbreak of yellow fever down in Galveston, and so a fever is serious business. But don’t you fret, we haven’t heard of anyone up this way getting it."

  "Oh, how bad is it there?" she asked curiously.

  "Very bad I’m afraid, a lot of deaths." He tried to smile but she saw the concern in his eyes. "Excuse me, I’m going to make sure the men are ready to move out and then we’ll be on our way, back home."

  She nodded.

  She watched him with his men. They all gathered about to listen to his instructions and not a one protested or gave him lip. Josey smiled at how capable a leader Leroy had become. She had known he was strong enough to lead, but to become a lieutenant so quickly was quite outstanding.

  He brought back some salt pork and coffee for her and insisted she eat. She wasn’t hungry but ate nonetheless. Lieutenant Leroy Van Houghton was not a man to say no to, she smiled.

  Once they were packed, Leroy picked her up in his arms and began carrying her. Josey objected, "What are you doing?"

  "Carrying you, you have a fever. I won’t have your mother angry because I didn’t take every precaution with her daughter," he said quite sternly.

  She grimaced. "But I can walk—"

  "Hush, this torture will be over soon." He chuckled.

  "Torture?" she questioned.

  "Of course, having me carry you," he said with a hearty laugh. "You are the most independent woman I know…other than your mother, that is."

  She huffed. However, he had called her a woman…that was heaven. When they got to the creek, he took his boots off and handed them to her.

  "What am I supposed to do with these?" she asked holding them in one hand.

  "Carry them, thank you." He chuckled.

  As they approached the farm, they went slower. Crawling through the brambles, he helped her up and out of several, and then picked her up in his arms again as they hit flat land once more.

  "They are gone. That’s good." Leroy smiled.

  "Please put me down, now?" she demanded as they neared the house. "Mama will think I’m dying or something."

  "Not on your life, honey," he muttered near her ear. "I’ve enjoyed every minute of this." He laughed, and then his gaze met hers and something more fragile than life passed between them. Her breath hitched.

  However, she frowned at the thought of him marching into her home with her in his arms. It looked indecent. He should consider Rose’s feelings, at least until he tells her how he stands.

  She saw her mother standing on the porch, catching at her chest, a smile lingering on her lips. They passed Hank and Jacob whose mouths were hanging open. Undaunted by her protests, Leroy carried her inside the house.

  "Land sakes, I'm so glad to see you Leroy…and you got my Josey with you. Thank the Lord. I been worried sick. Is she okay?" her mother asked between grasping Leroy and herself.

  "Mother Anderson she’ll be okay, but she’s running a slight fever, and we didn’t want to take any chances." Leroy smiled. "Especially wading through the creek water."

  "Put her on the bed, and thank you for taking such good care of her," her mother said touching his sleeve.

  "I didn’t know what happened when she didn’t come back. One of the soldiers said she ran off. I thought she hid out somewhere. I didn’t let on that anything was wrong, but I had Jacob search all over for her, when they finally bedded down last night. I can’t tell you how worried I’ve been. We’ve all been. When they asked, I told them she had gone to bed early."

  Leroy gently laid Josey on the bed, leaned over her, kissed her on the top of her head, and left the room. She felt completely abandoned.

  She could hear everything from the other room.

  "I appreciate you not saying anything about her not being here. That probably bought us a little time down the road." Leroy was saying. "She’ll be fine with some of your good cooking, I’m sure."

  "It was my intention, if
you were out there, to help if I could. And thank you for taking such good care of Josey."

  "Excuse me, Mrs. Anderson. I must let my men know everything is okay here and that hopefully they can look forward to one of your great meals," Leroy announced.

  "Your men? Why, you’ve gone and got yourself a title now, have you?" Her mother chuckled.

  "I think at the time I was the only one still standing."

  Josey couldn't stand it a moment longer; she went to the open doorway and stared out. She saw Leroy going outside, and heard him talking to his men.

  "Men, relax. We’ll have one fine and tasty dinner then be leaving. Gather any supplies about that we might need and I’ll pay Mrs. Anderson for them. You all look lively and wash up before you eat, now," he instructed.

  Josey moseyed into the kitchen to sit down in a chair.

  "What are you doin’ up?" her mother exclaimed when she saw her.

  "Mama, I can’t stay in bed, you know me better than that." Josey fretted.

  Her mother looked at her seriously for a moment then nodded. "I know much more than that…"

  "Know what?" Josey barked unable to stand her mother’s fierce look.

  "You’re in love with him, aren’t you?" her mother asked in a soft whisper.

  Josey bowed her head."No…of course n-not." She tried to lie, but saw her mother’s gaze fall upon her.

  "You can’t deny it. I see it in your eyes when you look at him. Oh, I’ve known it for a while, but I hadn’t seen the same look in his until today. He’s changed somehow. Gotten bigger, and tougher too. But his heart is softer than molasses. I guess you didn’t see the look in his eyes, did you?"

  "Oh God Mama, I’m so ashamed."

  "Hush now. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I know Leroy. He was a gentleman. I saw how you was lookin’ at him when he brung you in." She stared at her long and hard. Then she broke into a smile. "When you gonna tell him?"

  "Tell him?" Josey exclaimed.

  "Why shore, you don’t think he has a clue, do you?"

  "No…I don’t think he has a clue." She glanced at her mother and almost smiled. "What about Rose?"