All this time Josey had thought Rose was getting better, and now this. Yet when she looked at what Rose said, it did make sense to her. Rose had fallen in love, real love, with a man she couldn’t possibly have. Now, she had to face the reality that they would never be together. If Rose could learn to live with this knowledge then there might be hope for her. After all, she had taken some big steps here.
"All right Rose, and then there is only one thing left to do…" Josey insisted, hoping what she was about to say was the right thing.
"What?"
"Tell Hank how you feel, I mean really feel. Be honest with him. Like your being with me now. He does deserve it. It’s the only way things can ever work for the two of you. You have to start out even and with your eyes open. If he can take you as his wife, knowing how you feel, and all, then there is no reason that you wouldn’t have a good life with Hank. But I don’t want you to marry him with the pretense that he’s not Jacob and you won’t learn to love him. You can learn to love people; in fact you already love Hank, just not as much, right?"
"Right…" Rose agreed. "It’s just different. Hank has just now growed up and become a man. Jacob was a man. A good man…Jacob loved me like a man loves a woman. That was the biggest difference I guess."
"Then tell Hank the truth." Josey said without hesitation. "There’s an old saying, ‘And truth shall set you free’."
"But what if he won’t marry me. What if he decides he doesn’t want to be second best in my life?" Rose asked. "What do I do then?"
"Then, you and I will raise the baby and Hank will have to go his own way. But I think if he truly loves you, and you tell him the truth, then you can work it out from there."
"What if he gets mad?" Rose asked with tears in her eyes.
"His ego will hurt a little, but if he loves you and the baby and he truly wants things to work out with the two of you, he has to accept you as you are Rose, with his eyes open," she insisted. "And you won't have to lie any longer."
Rose nodded duly. "I guess you are right. It makes sense and it would make me feel better to be honest with him. Hank's a good man, and he truly is a man now. This war has made us all face things we didn't want to."
"I’ll get the preacher when you tell him." Josey promised patting her hand for reassurance. "All right…?" Rose said slowly. "I’ll tell him tonight after dinner then."
"Good. Believe me Rose, you won’t have to start your marriage with a lie and feel bad about it. You won’t have to cover your feelings either. You can be honest with Hank about everything. And you’ll see, because he loves you enough, you’ll grow to love Hank as much. This way you can face him and know that he knows the truth."
"You’re right." Rose agreed. "I won’t have to hide anything anymore."
Josey went about her chores the rest of the day, wrestling with what she had asked Rose to do. She had no idea how Hank would take the news. He’s young, he might need some adjusting of attitude, but at least Rose wouldn’t be lying to herself and him and she could go into the marriage with her head held high.
~*~
After supper Hank played with the baby for a while, and when he got sleepy, Josey took him from him. Hank was about to leave when Rose called him out on the porch.
"Can we talk?" Rose asked looking into his happy face. Hank looked at her and smiled.
"Sure, something wrong?"
"No…not exactly." Rose began. She sat down on a step and patted the place beside her. He joined her.
Josey was tending the baby and they heard him weep a time or two but she began to sing and he settled out nicely. Hank had tensed until he heard the baby’s coos.
"Hank…I need to tell you some things. And I need for you to listen…and I mean listen with your heart, and not let your manliness get tangled in with what I’m about to tell you. You are a very special man to me, always have been. You know that don’t you?”
Hank stared at her now, his mouth open, his eyes full of questions. "You know that I love you, don’t you?" she began.
"Yeah, I know it…" he said dully.
"Okay and you know that while I was engaged to Leroy, well…that I had to make Jacob and George happy too, or they’d tell on you and me, to Leroy." Her eyes were wide and her hands full of twists and turns. He watched her hands for a minute, and his brow furrowed.
"Yeah, I knew…but I didn’t like it." Hank replied honestly. "I done told you that."
"I know that…and I understand. But now, you got to understand something else." Rose said.
"Okay…what?"
"Well, a girl can’t always have relations with a man and keep her heart the same, you understand that?" Rose asked. "I mean when a man makes love to you, you are involved with that man."
He shook his head. "No…I don’t understand that. You mean you had feelings for George or Jacob?"
"Sort of."
Hank stood up. "Both of them…You…"
"Now you said you would listen" She stared at him closely.
"Okay, okay, I’m listening."
"Good. Well then…yes I did have feelings…for both of them, and both different kinds of feeling. I mean…George is older, and alone and has no wife or kids and he gets lonely from time to time and it don’t hurt none to give him a little lovin’." Rose said. "And one thing I loved about you was that you understood. You sorta shared me…"
"The hell it don’t hurt." Hank put his hands on his hips. "I never really understood, and I damned sure didn’t like you doin' it either. Wasn't my lovin' good enough for you?"
"Now don’t get mad…just listen to me first," Rose insisted standing in front of him so he couldn’t move away. "You said you love me, so then listen."
"Okay, but I already know I don’t like where this is going."
"I can see that. And appreciate your honesty. But please let me finish…Jacob, he needed someone too. There were no Negro women for him out here in the big middle of nowhere. He had no one…and well…he was so gentle Hank, so caring, so loving with me. Me and Jacob grew up together. You know that. We had relations before you and I got together. He was my first. He became a man about the same time I became a woman."
Hank frowned at her.
"But it started long ago. And Mama was partly to blame, she treated him as if he was her own."
"Don't blame your mother for this."
"Okay. I won't. When you came along, and I knew you wanted me, it seemed only right to instruct you on the art of making love. Now Jacob he appreciated the sacrifice you made to let me love him. But…well…it was that sweetness in him that made me…oh…Hank…I fell in love with him…I knew him so well by the time we were grown. Being with him well, he was already a part of my life." Rose admitted her tears falling like a landslide down her cheeks.
Hank tried to pace, but there wasn't room. Rose thought he might run away and tried to move so he couldn't. His face was a mask of confusion and peril. His fists doubled, his eyes blazed and he might have struck her if she’d been a man, but Hank would never hit a woman and she knew that.
"I thought you did it to protect me…but you did it for yourself. Because you had feelin’s for the man…God, how blind can I get?" Hank stammered.
"Try to understand. We were just playing around too."
He was folding his hat in two and she touched his hands, stilling them with her own. Her tears were real and her words hit him.
"I don’t want to marry you unless you can understand. It would take a man with a powerful lot of intelligence to understand. A man with a powerful heart to understand.”
Hank eyed her with scalding eyes.
She went on though. “When I found out I was with child, I knew it could have been either of them’s baby too. Somehow at George’s age I didn’t think it was his. That left you and Jacob. So I talked to Jacob. He agreed if it was his he’d stay on here and raise the baby and I could still be a part of its life, but we’d never marry. And we’d never tell no one. Why…they’d kill him if I married him. Maybe me
too. He also agreed that if it weren’t his child, he’d be movin’ on, so I could make a life for myself with you. He agreed to this because he loved me Hank. He truly loved me, and…I loved him. And Hank, in his way, he loved you too. We were all a family."
Hank bowed his head. "And he’s gone, ‘cause he knows it’s mine."
"That’s right. He loves you too and he wants us to be happy as a family. But when I told Josey, she said I had to tell you before we were married because that was the right thing to do. And I reckon she is right. A secret like this would have weighed me down holdin’ it in so long. You have a right to know the truth. I don’t want to start our marriage with a lie, Hank. If you can still love me, through all of this, then I reckon your love is as powerful as Jacob’s is. And Hank…I do love you. I got room in my heart for you Hank. If you can accept the truth and go on and try to build a life for us. You know that. You see…sometimes a person can love more than one…"
Hank stared at her a long time. Emotions running across his face one after the other. “Well, you gave me some things to think about Rose. And I’ll need some time to hash this out in my mind. I mean, it ain’t a great way to start any marriage, tellin’ you're husband-to-be that you love another. I liked Jacob all right. I seen how he wanted to protect us all from them Federals. I understood his loyalty to Mrs. Anderson. And in a way…I guess I can understand you lovin’ him. You grew up with him."
Rose nodded. "I was scared you’d hightail it out of here so fast you’d never look back. But I reckon this is one time that Josey is right. Still, it’s better to have a marriage built on truth and honesty, than to lie a lifetime. And because you stayed to hear me out…there is more I must tell you, my sweet Hank."
Hank hung his head, closed his eyes, and nodded. "I appreciate the truth, Rose. But I got to study on this a while. This ain’t somethin’ you make up your mind about overnight."
"I reckon that’s true Hank. And I respect the fact that you ain’t just jumpin’ off the deep end here. But…there’s more you gotta know…if we get married…it might help you understand a lot of things. It's something I haven't talked about to anyone else. You are the first. As the years have gone by, it's helped me a bit to put things right in my head. But since no one ever talked with me, I wasn't sure what right was."
He nodded.
"I was taken when I was little…" She broke down in tears now. Years of hiding the truth, years of being ashamed racked her soul and body now. Years of feeling bad and not understanding why, came crashing down on her now. "Ain’t never said who did this, and I won’t. That's no longer important, it’s over and done with and the man is dead, Hank. And he didn't love me."
"Oh God." Hank looked at her in pure horror. "You don’t mean it."
"Yes…you are the first person I’ve told that to. The only person I’ve told that to. Even Josey don’t know this…unless…someone told her. Mama didn't know, or if she did, she never spoke of it. One day I finally understood what he’d done to me. What he created. What I became because of him. I looked at myself and thought, no God, please don’t let me be this person. But I am. I was so little and so didn’t understand what he did. It ain’t somethin’ you discuss with others. Not even family.
"The real problem was…I wanted him to do it to me again and again. And he did. Don't look at me like that. You see he made me feel good. I didn't know better. I remember that. I was four years old. He burned it into my mind how good it felt. That’s why I like men so much, I guess. But Hank…I didn’t know better. No one told me what he did was wrong. No one told me I was supposed to hate him. Although, I did grow to hate him. I felt so unloved, so ashamed. The guilt ate at me. Josey was so good, and I was bad. I felt it was something I did…so long ago. Mama seemed different to me after that. I guess she knew about it deep down in her heart and just couldn't speak of it, but she never said anything to me. Never talked with me. So I grew up not knowing what to do about my feelings. I'd have given anything to talk to her about it. But she never once mentioned it. Sometimes I wondered why she wouldn't talk to me. She’d look at me and cry. But she never said one cross word to me. Not one.
"I never understood until I was growed up that it was so wrong. Actually, not until I had the baby. I wouldn’t want anyone doing that to our baby. And that’s when I really knew in my heart that what happened so long ago was so terribly, terribly wrong, and I became so ashamed. That’s when I truly understood. When I thought about my baby being taken like that. Thinkin’ all the wrong things the wrong way and unable to tell anyone for fear they might kill ya. And until Jacob took me, I didn't know what love was from a man. He opened my eyes and I loved him for it. But the man that took me so long ago, ruined me. And I began to feel that if I didn’t make love with men, that they wouldn’t love me back. That was the real cruelty, though, him making sure I liked it.
"But Jacob was kind and tender to me. He knew I wasn't a virgin but he never once asked about what had happened. Or who. I'd been feeling as though I was a she-devil or something. Jacob changed that for me, he showed me how to love, really love, and for that I am grateful. I’m such a bad person. I wouldn’t blame you if you never cared again…But at least…at least you know. You know everything. I ain’t gonna hide another thing from you Hank. I swear it on a Bible. And yes, I got religion from all this too, and I talked to God about it. And through prayer, I feel so much better."
"Oh dear God." Hank came up to hold her and put his head on hers. "Oh God, honey, why didn’t you tell me sooner?"
"I couldn’t. I just now got to where I could face it myself. Having a baby made me face a lot of things, Hank. I hid that so long, so deep; I didn’t know how to get rid of it. And I was so afraid of tellin’ anyone. I found God though, Hank. When the baby was born, I found God, and that helped me so much. I began to see things more clearly."
"What do you mean?" He stared into her eyes again.
"I mean, I know that God is real. And I know he forgives me. He even forgave him. Except…I had to forgive him too. Before I could talk about this with anyone I had to forgive him. That made me look at myself and I didn’t like what I’d become. I felt this wasn’t my fault, entirely. But I did decide I could forgive though. Tonight, talking to you…I feel so much better, I can finally tell you everything Hank. That feels so good…" She wept on his shoulder. "This changes things between me and you. I ain’t never told nobody about what happened. Not even Josey. I just couldn’t, I’ve been so ashamed especially since I growed up. Up until now, I’ve dealt with the guilt and shame alone. And now, I feel so free…so very free…" She sobbed for a long time, slid from Hank’s embrace, slumping into the rocker with her tears.
"Oh darlin’." Hank pulled her back up and held her in his arms. "I do love you. I can’t help myself. Never could where you are concerned. And it ain’t all just havin’ you either. You are standin’ here pourin’ your heart out to me and the only thing I can do is love you. And I do love you Rose. I love you and the baby. And a strange part of me loves Jacob, for his sacrifice and for being good to you. But I guess because he was a Negro it was a might easier to do. But still…tellin’ me about this other… and Jacob. That takes courage. I see that. Courage I didn’t know you had. This is powerful and it means a lot to me that you trust me with this. I mean if Jacob could feel the same as me about you and walk away because he knew what was best, then, he’s quite a man. I respect that. I really do. Knowin' how I feel about you, I have to honor that about the man." Hank admitted. "I’m not sure I could ever walk away from you."
“You’ve growed up, Hank.” Rose lifted her head, and a smile spread across her face. "Will you marry me Hank?" she burst out as she held his face in her hands.
He laughed out loud. "Do you love me?"
"Yes Hank, I do love you. I couldn’t have told you so much if I didn’t. And I trust you too. And they say trust is almost as powerful as love. I mean you could go to town right this minute and tell everyone and they would hate me, call me names, and never
speak to me again. I know that. But I also know you won’t do that, because you love me. I trust you Hank. I can tell you anything now." She sobbed into his neck. "Anything, and I’m finally free…Hank. It’s a good feelin’. I ain’t never felt so free in my life."
Hank held her in his arms. And they both wept. "I’ll give you my answer soon."
Then he was gone.
Chapter Seventeen
Then came the jayhawkers and nothing was the same ever again.
It was a warm night. No one was sleeping comfortably because there wasn’t a spot of breeze anywhere, as a thin veneer of a cloud seemed to cover the brilliant light of the moon.
The baby woke during the night with a terrible fever and Rose was up, then Josey.
"We’ll need to put him in a little tub of water." Josey said as she prepared the tepid water for the baby. "This will help bring down the fever."
Rose took the baby’s diaper off and set him in the small tub. He fussed but as they bathed him, he splashed and gurgled at them.
"He’s so hot…" Rose fussed.
"Just keep splashing him in that. It’ll help bring the fever down. That’s what Mama used to do to us."
"How would you know?" Rose asked.
"She told me. Once when I had the measles and she put me in the water. She said she had tried so many things and was so feared I’d die from complications. She’d try anything. An old Negro woman told her to put me in tepid water, and keep me there till the fever went down."
Rose kept splashing the water on the baby and he calmed down. She smiled down at him. "You are such a cute little critter." Rose smiled at her baby.
"And the fever is going down…" Josey insisted.
"Still need to get the doc to look at him." Rose insisted. "I couldn’t bear it if he got sicker."
"Wouldn’t hurt, we don’t want him comin’ down with anything serious." Josey glanced at the baby who was almost smiling now.
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