"Hank…" Rose grabbed his arm, and pulled him to her, the sick yearning for Jacob had her fearful of losing Hank too. "We always knew we’d be married someday, when you grew up, didn’t we?"
"You’re not in love with me are you?" Hank asked looking down into her soft brown eyes. A shudder of humiliation raced across his handsome face.
"Of course I am." Blinding tears choked her, as she wept in his arms. She silently cried for the love she lost, for the baby she lost, for the world she thought she wanted. She cried for Jacob, because she knew he’d be gone and she couldn’t stop his leaving.
However, she hugged Hank to her and hung on to him for dear life. For Hank would be her world.
She pushed him away to look into his eyes. "I don’t like Hank Jr." She tried to laugh.
He smiled now. "Okay, fine, we’ll call him something else. Want to name him after your father?" he asked.
"No," she shouted vehemently, tormented by a ghost.
"Okay…" Hank watched her for a minute. "What’s wrong with that?"
"Nothing," She tempered her voice. "Just don’t want to name him after my father."
"Fine, how about mine then?" he asked.
"Depends, what’s his name?"
"Wilbur." Hank said then snickered.
"No, we need to think on a name." Rose sighed restlessly now.
"Okay, if I think of any, I’ll let you know." Hank said. "I’ll let you get some rest now, you look tired."
"Yeah…I am a little." she said and pulled the covers up about her again.
As he was going out the door, she called after him, "Hank, let’s get married next week… okay?"
He looked at her and went to kiss her on the mouth. His lips were warm and eager and Rose had to push him away.
"Okay."
Chapter Sixteen
"He’s gone isn’t he?" Rose felt despair creep into her heart. She truly had tried to snap out of this depression for the baby’s sake if nothing else, but the void in her heart kept her in tears most of the time. Josey ended up taking care of the baby most of the time.
"Who?" Josey asked, burping the baby.
"Jacob, of course." Rose snapped, buttoning her gown after nursing the baby. An unwelcome tension built in her chest. How could she act normal? Her heart was breaking for Jacob.
"Yes Rose, he’s gone. I don’t know why he finally decided to take off. You would have thought he would have left when Mama freed him. But he stayed. I thought he felt like family. I mean, it is odd, him not being around." Josey remarked as she handed the baby to Rose. "He’s been here so long. And not a word when he left."
Rose took the baby and stared down into his face. He looked so much like Hank that she had to smile. "He didn’t even say goodbye." She murmured.
"Maybe it hurt him too much." Josey defended him. "I mean he's been here so long, I'm sure he'd hate to tell us goodbye."
Rose glanced at Josey, knowing what she said had to be true. "Yeah…I guess so. Did he say where he was going or give a hint?"
"No, he didn’t say anything to me. He was just gone one mornin'." Josey explained. "Even George was surprised. Of course it certainly means more work for us now, but I guess, we’ll handle things around here somehow."
Rose firmed her lips and closed her eyes. "Well, I guess that’s that…huh?"
"Maybe he went to enlist in the Army or something." Josey offered. "So many men are getting frustrated that this war ain’t over. Why at the dry goods store I heard Mr. Millet say he was thinkin’ of enlisting just to stop this war. And he’s nearly seventy years old. He’s said there’s been enough killing for a lifetime."
Rose felt her heart lurch in her chest in fear for Jacob. She hoped he hadn’t done such a foolish thing, but it would be like him, to want to help end the war. That thought made her sad and proud of him at the same time. Her heart lurched in her chest. It would be so like him.
"Hank and I have decided to get married." She announced trying to sound happy. She had to forget Jacob. Although, she truly didn’t know how to begin.
"Really, well…that’s wonderful. We’ll have to celebrate. Aside from the baby that’s the best news I’ve heard in a while." Josey looked at her sister. "After all, he is the father of your child?"
Rose glanced at Josey with an uncertain frown. "Well, yes of course he is. Anyone who looks at him knows."
"The red hair was a giveaway, you know." Josey chuckled aloud.
"Oh…yes…of course." Rose agreed. "Can you have Reverend Cox come out and do the honors for us?"
"Yes, of course I can." Josey nodded. "Rose?"
"What?" Rose snapped again as she swayed with the baby to rock him to sleep when Josey handed him back to her.
"You don’t seem happy and I can’t imagine why." Josey said going to the kitchen to make some tea for them both.
Rose sat in the rocking chair now and the baby was almost asleep. She looked into his tiny face and a sad smile crossed her face. Somehow she had to go on.
Josey came back into the bedroom. "You got a new baby, you are getting married. What’s wrong with you? I would think you would be in heaven with all of this. But you rarely smile anymore, and you don’t seem like your bouncy self."
"Of course I’m happy…why wouldn’t I be happy." She barked. Then after laying the baby in the crib, in her room, she came back to join Josey at the table in the kitchen again, glad she had a few minutes to rest.
With two teacups Josey sat down and set a cup in front of Rose. Rose, stirred a little honey into her tea. Her eyes seemed to stare off into the distance.
Josey frowned and put her hand out to her. "Rose…don’t be upset, but when Mama had you…she was…well, I don’t know, she had the blues or something. She told me so herself. And the doctor said it was normal sometimes, natural for some. But she said it wasn’t something she could get over very quickly. This will pass. I'm sure of it."
Rose thought about that notion and decided to go along with it, it was a good cover for what was wrong. She couldn’t blurt out that she loved Jacob endlessly and yet knew she couldn’t be with him. Could she?
"Maybe I should see the doctor about it, next time he's around." Rose tried to look reassuring.
"That’s a good idea. We’ll ask him if there is anything he can give you. I hate for you to be unhappy during your wedding." Josey said. "I know I certainly wasn’t."
"Oh... I’ll be all right. It's just added trouble, having the baby and chores to do."
"Well if that’s all it is, I’m sure I can do more." Josey insisted.
"No, I wouldn’t hear of that. I’ll pull my own weight. My God, Josey, you do everything around here now. I don’t want you to work yourself to an early grave. You do too much now, and I have noticed."
"I’m fine. Work keeps my mind off of Leroy." She gulped her tea and a tear threatened in the corner of her eye. "Well now, what do you want to wear as a wedding dress?" Josey asked.
Rose stared at her sister and patted her hand this time. "Leroy is going to be just fine. Quit worryin' it'll make you old before your time. Why, he’s a big strong man and he’s a lieutenant now. Don’t you fret none. He’ll be home before you know it."
"Oh I know you are right, but we had so little time together." She whimpered, and wiped the tear away.
"After this horrible old war is over, you’ll have plenty of time." Rose reassured her.
"Well now, I’ve only got three dresses and the only one worth even thinking about is my peach gown of course." Rose insisted.
"All right, we’ll fix that up." Josey smiled again and reached for her hand. "I am happy for you Rose. After all, Hank has really done some growing up in the last year or so. I really don't know what we would have done without him. He's practically taken over the men and things are getting despite the fact we are now short-handed."
Rose had only half listened, her own despair marring her thoughts. "Oh Josey." She grabbed her hand…and the look of sadness had Josey concerned.
She burst out crying, unable to hold back her troubles any longer. "It’s eating at me something awful and I’ve got to tell someone."
Josey put her cup down and squeezed Rose’s hand, anticipating the worst. She had learned that Rose’s troubles were like no other. "What is it Rose? I've been waiting for you to tell me. I've known something was wrong, but I didn't know what."
Rose visibly trembled now, and Josey’s eyes widened in fear. “"It’s not easy to tell, Josey. You’ll hate me…for what I'm about to say." Rose admitted.
"I’d never hate you Rose, never." Josey assured her, as tears welled in her eyes she grabbed Rose and pulled her into her arms.
"You promise?" Rose asked her fingers idly massaging Josey’s.
"I promise…what is it? Please tell me, it will make you feel better just airing it out." Josey poised herself for the worst.
"I’m unhappy because Jacob went away."
Josey seemed to think about that and nodded. "Well honey, we all are."
"I-I…oh God…I love him so." She said it out loud as she broke down, and laid her head on her shoulder. Rose let herself cry aloud now. Racking sobs that Josey didn't understand and yet something told her this was real.
"You’re…in love…with Jacob?"
"I have been all along. Only we both knew…it would never work. But I love him so. See…you’re mad…I can tell…" Rose lifted her head from her shoulder and looked into Josey’s eyes. However, she saw no ridicule, all she saw there was a real concern and compassion.
"No-no Rose, I’m not mad. I’m confused, but not mad." She stared back at her. "How…why…I mean…I just don’t understand." Josey shook her head too. "I mean…we all loved Jacob. But you mean…you mean…you really loved him?"
Rose nodded as she put her hands over her eyes.
"But I thought…I mean…I just knew…I mean…" Josey stood up and paced.
"Josey sit down and let me tell you…" Rose began, and her sister flopped back into the kitchen chair. "It began a long time ago. From the first I liked him. Mama treated him like part of the family. We spent a lot of time together as kids. When I became a woman we took our teasing a lot more seriously. He'd give me a look, and I'd flirt. Then one day, when I was flirting with him, I decided I wanted to kiss him. He was the first one I ever kissed, Josey. It was beautiful. He was so tender, so sweet. He treated me like a lady. I kept flirting and he kept looking and then one day it just happened. We made love. I was thirteen. We been making love ever since."
"My God, since you were thirteen?"
"Yes. It was a hot day. I had a dress on, and went to tell him Mama was cookin' lunch. He looked at me. Well, I might have had a button loose, I don't know, and this time when he kissed me. I let him touch me. After that, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Oh…I guess it was lust at first. Knowing we couldn't ever really be together was part of it too. But then he began to really make love to me. He'd hold me late in the evenings and kiss me and touch me, and it was so good between us. We talked sometime half the day."
"This is all a little hard to take in."
"I know. But you gotta understand. I love all three of them Josey, Hank, Jacob and George. Of course George is too old for me. I know that, but I brought him such comfort. And I was glad to do it for him, he was so lonely. He told me that once. It made me feel like I was really doing something for him. Something good. Is that really so terrible, to bring a little happiness into someone’s life when they are so alone? I couldn't stand for any of them to be lonely and hurting. I worried about each of them in different ways. Oh Josey, George was such a lonely man, he lost his family to the Indians…did you know that?”
Josey shook her head, tears rolling down her cheeks as her sister poured more and more sorrow into the conversation.
“And Jacob, well, he never had no body to love, don’t you see? There were no Negresses here. He had no one to love. With us, it began when I was so young and it just got better and better between us until one day I realized I loved him. Really loved him. Jacob and I were near the same age, raised together. Ma never showed no difference in him than anyone. Neither did I. Anyway, I knew I wanted him. I’d just had my monthly and the feelings were swamping me so. Well, I felt bad for him. He had no one. Not anyone for his own. And he was so gentle with me, so tender. Even then. A woman can’t help but love that."
Josey nodded. "I guess that’s the truth…"
"Then one day, I just woke up and realized I loved him, just for being Jacob. And for loving me…and the love grew between us. He felt the same, he told me he did. That man would die for any of the three of us. But we both decided it was futile. Still, we couldn’t stop the feelings. And the years of loving and longing just made that love stronger. Just because something won’t work, because it can’t work…doesn’t mean your heart stops lovin’."
Josey’s eyes widened. "Oh my goodness. That’s why he stayed; he thought…he thought the baby…"
"Yes." Rose cried out in anguish now. "He thought the baby could be his. So did I. I hoped it was…prayed it was. I’d still have him here with me if it was. We talked about things too. And he agreed if the baby was his, he’d stay on and raise him or her, and I could be around the baby too, that way." Rose admitted.
Josey blinked hard.
"Rose you must have known from the beginning this would never work…" Josey began. Rose straightened herself and nodded.
"That don't stop feelin's Josey. We both did. But we couldn’t stop lovin' each other. By the time we realized how much hurt was involved. We couldn’t stop loving each other. I mean I didn’t mean to fall in love with him, Josey. But when them Federals came that was the ultimate proof to me of his love. And I saw how badly Jacob wanted to protect Mama and the rest of us, and then he looked at me. Josey, I knew how he felt about me, and I melted into a million pieces that day. He loved me, and I loved him. I mean…true love…not just a sweet love, but real heart throbbing love. And it occurred to me one day just how much I cared for him. I knew it was wrong to think on him that way. I never meant to feel this gut wrenching, heart throbbing love within me for him. Because he was willin’ to sacrifice everything for us. Even when they were goading Hank, Jacob wanted to stand up for Hank, knowing full well that Hank and I had made love too. He loved him too, like family. My heart turned over in my chest at his love for us all. At first I was just…trying to help him from his loneliness. He was so handsome, so big, so strong. After daddy died, I guess is when Jacob began to mean so much to me. He was the security I needed at the time. And we were kids then. I'll admit it was lustful at first. Very much so. But somewhere…somehow…I began to feel things for him. I looked forward to being with him and he tried to reject his own feelings, because he knew we couldn't make things work. And I would tease him till he made love to me. Because he was so real. He loved me too Josey. That’s why he went away. Once the baby was born and we knew for sure…he left. Don’t you see? He wanted me to be happy, to have a life. With him here, I doubt the three of us could ever be happy."
Rose could tell by the confusing glances that Josey gave her that she didn't understand. Perhaps no one could. But she so needed Josey right now. She had to make her see it all. She hadn't gone crazy. She fell in love, why couldn't people understand that love knew no color?
"Josey, he wasn't a black man to me, he was simply a man. A man that couldn't be around me without wanting me. And I needed that love Josey. You just don't know how much."
Rose had realized long ago, that their Ma had raised Jacob practically from a child and treated him like family, having him eat in the house like the others. She showed no difference between them. How could Rose show a difference? Perhaps her mother should have and this wouldn’t have happened. Josey could not admit that her mother had indeed been a huge part of all of this and how sad, how utterly sad a situation it was.
"What do you mean he loved you? All of them love you." Rose felt the sting of Josey's words like a slap on the face.
"Yeah
, but all of their loves were different. George loved me for what I gave so freely. He knew I wasn't in love with him. And…I know you don’t understand, but it didn’t hurt to give him some happiness too. My God Josey, where was he going to get anyone to care about him? I cared. I still do. He's a good man, and he's lost so much in life.
"With Jacob it was just so different. Not like any of the others. I can’t put my finger on how I could tell the difference, I just knew. I felt so safe and taken care of when I was in his arms. With him it wasn't pretty dresses that impressed him. It was me. He loved me, the real me. He knew me. He cared about me. He was willing to stay here and raise the baby as his own without anyone ever knowing. That’s how much he cared. He would let me be around for the baby and love the baby too. That’s how much he loved me. Nobody’s loved me that much Josey. No body."
Josey nodded. "And Hank?"
“Hank was young, handsome and he we lusted after me all the time. Like a dog in heat at first. So we made love. He began to settle down and he knew I made love with the others. He didn't like it, but he knew. Hank has grown up a lot now. And he truly loves me and the baby. I know that. And in my fashion, I love him too. Oh, Josey, please try to understand this. He’s very pleasing, and he loves me endlessly. But it’s just not the same. At least it wasn’t. Hank had been makin' eyes at me every time he came over with Leroy. I knew it. But now… He’s taking responsibility. He’s matured, especially since the baby came along. Even I see that.
"I know that Jacob and I could never really be together. Someone would kill him probably. But that’s what’s wrong with me and I had to tell you. I had to tell someone who could understand and who I could trust." Rose admitted.
Josey nodded, numbly. "So what are you going to do?"
"I’m going to marry Hank. Because this is his baby. And he loves him endlessly, and he loves me, and maybe in time, I can come to love him as much as I love Jacob."
"Is that fair to Hank, to only give him part of your love?" Josey drank in the information trying to make her mind and her heart listen and come up with an answer. But her mind went one way, and her heart went the other.
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