The Busy Woman's Guide to Murder

by Mary Jane Maffini

  “You had nothing to worry about, did you? They couldn’t get to you, not even that thing with the football guy.”

  “You knew about that too?”

  “Sure, I overheard all the rumors. Everyone at St. Jude’s did.”

  “I didn’t even understand they’d done that. But remember, I’m not the villain here, Mona.”

  “True. Not your fault. You were little and cute and smart and had beautiful clothes and a famous mother.”

  “Actually, I would have traded places with a lot of people just to have a normal, loving family.”

  “I doubt you would have. I had a normal family and they just told me to get over it, fight back, tough it out. All that crap. My life was a living hell.”

  “Oh. I just thought your family would be there for you.”

  “You know what? Most of the kids who were the most bullied, they had loving families who proved to be useless. And the bullies? They had them too.”

  “I am truly sorry I couldn’t have helped you more. By the way, Haley came to see me and I believe she regrets her part in all that.”

  “Does she, now?”

  There was that laugh again. “Mona?”

  “Regrets her part? That’s a laugh and a half.”

  “I don’t think life has been all that kind to her.”

  “Oh, cry me a river. I still remember the time she spilled water on my seat so everyone would think I wet my pants. The expression on her face, drunk on power and cruelty.”

  Right. That and the ketchup attack. Poor Mona. “She seems very sorry.”

  “Maybe not nearly as sorry as she’s going to be. Good-bye, Charlotte, I’m heading off to work now.”

  I stared at the phone after Mona clicked off. What did Mona mean? Was there any slight chance that she had actually killed the woman on Amsterdam, and was Serena in some kind of danger from her? Worse, had I drawn attention to Haley, and by doing that, set her up as a target for Mona’s revenge fantasy? I like being in charge. I love knowing what to do. But not this time. In this case, I had no idea what was going on or how to deal with it.

  I glanced at two headless dollies propped up by the wastepaper basket. The goose bumps were back, bigger than ever.

  “Charlotte?” Sally banged on the door. “Do I have to come in there and get you?”

  I had begun to wonder if there were enough nachos in the world to cheer me up when I rejoined the gang.

  Jack said, “Everything all right, Charlotte? You look . . .”

  “I look what?”

  “Yeah, you do,” Margaret added.

  Jack said, “I don’t know. Like something’s wrong. Are you upset? I can go get some more nachos. You like the jalapeños? I guess I shouldn’t have pigged out on them.”

  “It’s okay. I have something on my mind, but it’s not nachos. Or jalapeños.”

  “My money’s on those headless dolls creeping you out,” Margaret said. “I can never even use that powder room without getting nightmares. I put it down to delinquent parenting.”

  Sally shot Margaret a dirty look. “Let’s see how you do, Miss Smart-Ass, when your time comes.”

  “Which it won’t.” Margaret kept insisting on no children, despite relentless lobbying by her parents and Sally. She stuck to her arguments that Frank’s family was grown-up and he had no desire to start another one. We all knew that Frank would do whatever Margaret wanted. I was on Margaret’s side. Surprisingly, Jack and Pepper, both notoriously baby crazy, kept their noses out of it for once, and that was a good thing.

  “Can we watch a DVD now? Are there no more underdog losers that we could root for?” I said.

  Sally wasn’t ready to give up yet. “Were you on the phone in there, Charlotte? Because I can see the dolls making you scream, but not leading to a bizarre, furtive conversation.”

  “Hardly furtive,” I said defensively. “Or bizarre.”

  “You were on the phone,” Pepper said. “I recognize your pattern of deflection. So it won’t work this time.”

  “Maybe I was, but that’s hardly illegal.”

  “Unfriendly though,” Margaret said. “These nights are supposed to be sacrosanct.”

  “I know, but it was kind of an emergency. She kept calling.”

  Sally wasn’t letting go. “Priorities, Charlotte. You of all people with your obsessive-compulsive tendencies should know the rules.”

  “Obsessive-compulsive? A tiny bit overfocused from time to time, I admit, but I’m hardly obsessive-compulsive.”

  I don’t know why they all found that so funny.

  “So,” Sally said, “since you violated our long-standing agreement about taking calls, at least you can tell us who was on the phone.”

  “Someone who was worried about something.”

  “Oh, so not good enough,” Pepper said. “We need details. Specifics.”

  “That’s not fair to the person. I promised that I would keep our conversation confidential.” At the same time, I kept asking myself, Was anyone in danger from Mona? Should I be confiding in my friends to ensure that nothing happened?

  “Maybe we should talk about it. You are with the perfect group. Margaret’s a lawyer and she’ll keep it confidential. Jack’s a philosopher, or just a couple of months short of a thesis anyway. Sally, being a mother of four should give you an edge on figuring out bad behavior. And Pepper’s a cop and she may know what to do.”

  “So what did your friend want that got you so worried?” Jack said.

  “She wanted me to know that she hadn’t killed that woman.”

  Pepper’s head snapped to attention. “What woman?”

  “The one who was killed in the hit-and-run on Amsterdam.”

  “Why would you think she had killed her?”

  “Because she had previously told me if she saw Serena that she would enjoy seeing her splat all over the windshield.”

  “That’s brutal,” Jack said.

  Margaret glanced around the group and shrugged. “I can kind of understand it though.”

  Pepper nodded. “Me too, for sure. But it doesn’t make it right.”

  “Not the best course of action,” Margaret said somewhat reluctantly.

  “Lots of people felt that way,” Sally said. “I suppose if I’d seen Serena sashaying across some street I might have been tempted to press on that old accelerator. Maybe just enough to give her a little scare.”

  Jack gave her a startled look.

  “Right,” I said, “but of course the victim wasn’t Serena. This person on the phone just wanted me to know that she hadn’t, you know, run over this woman by mistake, thinking it was, um, Serena. At least, I believe that’s what she wanted. She was kind of over the edge. Strung out. The whole thing was a bit crazy.”

  “Why did whoever it was call you anyway? What connection do you have?”

  “I don’t know why she called me. She just needed to reach out, I suppose, and we have a bit of a history.”

  Pepper said, “No harm done. Anyway, as she was calling to say she didn’t hurt this person and I imagine since the death was so horrible, whoever she is probably decided that her fantasy of revenge was a bad approach. Yes?”

  I bit my lip. “Maybe.”

  “What do you mean by ‘maybe’?” Pepper said, still with that cop alertness about her.

  “Well, there was something else.”

  “Out with it,” Sally snapped.

  “I told her about Haley being sorry for the way they treated her . . . this person . . . and she didn’t react the way I expected. I’d thought she’d see that we aren’t teenagers anymore and we’ve all gotten past what was done to us.”

  “Not that you remember any of it,” Sally said. “Lucky little skunk.”

  “I remember some of what they did to her. Her life wasn’t ruined, although I could understand how it could have been. It’s a shame she’s on the verge of a breakdown over stupid events from so long ago.”

  Margaret said, “Question time. Is Sally the
only one who isn’t over it? Raise your hand if you would have been just a teeny bit tempted to run over Serena if you’d seen her on the road in the dark with no witnesses. Tell the truth and nothing but the truth, you guys.”

  Margaret’s own hand shot up first. Sally laughed and raised both of hers. “Of course, I wouldn’t actually commit murder because I couldn’t bear to leave my kids while I served my life sentence. Otherwise, hey. Splat you, Serena.”

  My eyebrows rose as Detective Sergeant Pepper Monahan’s hand inched up. “Not saying I’d do it, just that I can understand the desire.”

  I glanced at Jack. His hands were poised over the nacho bowl and showed no signs of being raised.

  “Charlotte?”

  I shrugged. “No. I guess I didn’t realize everything those horrible girls were up to. But I get it. Honest. And, trust me, this person got treated a lot worse than you guys or me. Infinitely.”

  “That must have been Mona Pringle on the phone,” Pepper said. “Who else could it be? She’s always been a bit peculiar and they sure put her through a living hell. At least she didn’t end her own life like some bullied kids.”

  Margaret said, “Don’t bother to deny it, Charlotte. We can tell by the expression on your face that it was Mona.”

  “Fine, but I didn’t tell you. She’s still really angry at Serena and Haley.”

  Pepper shrugged. “Haley was pretty awful.”

  “But she’s a woman now, with a sick husband and a child who has to help out with the cleaning business. She has her own troubles. She’s changed.”

  Pepper said, “Yeah. I’ve seen her around town. For one thing, she hasn’t aged well, looks like crap.”

  It was easy for Pepper to judge. She was back to her prebaby weight, working out and sporting a two-hundred-dollar hairdo, with her bad-boy husband behaving himself.

  I said, “Haley might have been cruel back then, but I think she was sincere in her regrets. I’m not the same person I was in high school. We grow up and change and our brains develop.”

  Pepper sneered. “So what? If you knock off a bank and feel bad about it afterward, does that make everything all right?”

  “I suppose it’s not impossible that she is regretful,” Margaret said.

  There was something in her tone. I said, “You don’t believe it?”

  Margaret shrugged. “She always seemed to be having a good time when she was making someone else’s life a living hell. My memory is quite clear about this. So forgive me if I don’t shed a tear. Or fully believe her.”

  “I hear you,” Pepper said. “She was a nasty little toad and we all felt the sting, except possibly you, Charlotte, because you weren’t paying much attention. I think that was during your phase when you wanted to find your father.”

  “That wasn’t a phase. That was—”

  “Haley gave me plenty of grief too,” Sally said. “Not just the rumors and backbiting, but she actually slammed me into a bay of lockers once. I could hardly move my shoulder for weeks. I’m with Margaret on this.”

  Pepper said, “So she’s had a rough life. I’m thinking that Serena wouldn’t give Haley the time of day now. Maybe Haley’s afraid that Serena still has the urge to torment people and she could become a target herself this time. Haley must have all kinds of dirt on Serena. Maybe she’s seeking allies.”

  I turned to Jack. “I suppose you have an opinion on this too?”

  “I don’t remember these perpetrators that much. Are you going to eat the rest of this salsa?”

  Sally said, “Oh, come on, Jack, never mind the salsa. How could you forget Haley? She was the one who brought up the fact you were adopted in front of everyone in the cafeteria. Remember her jeering?”

  I blurted out, “I remember that day. I’d forgotten it was Haley who was behind all that. She thought she was going to get to you. But I remember your response, Jack. You said you were lucky to be born with good basketball genes and better chess genes and to have adoptive parents who were better than anyone’s biological family. You tossed it back to her. You said if she’d had decent parents who were doing the right job, she wouldn’t need to try to make herself feel worthwhile by putting others down. You said you felt sorry for her. You said if she had any self-esteem, she’d find some decent friends.”

  Margaret laughed. “That’s true. I still remember the look on her face. You struck a chord.”

  Pepper said, “I’m betting if anything bad happened to you from that point until you graduated, you could trace it back to her and the rest of them. They would have hated that they couldn’t crush your spirit.”

  Sally said, “I bet the only reason you were a target was because you were our friend.”

  “Maybe. Nothing awful happened to me. I don’t even remember the details clearly. I mean, it was how long ago? You can’t go carrying this resentment and anger around with you. I’m with Charlotte. This Haley girl may have done some evil deeds, but if she’s asking for forgiveness, let her have it.”

  Margaret crossed her arms. “She didn’t ask me for forgiveness and it’ll be a cold day in hell when she gets it.”

  Jack said, “We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of. Let it go.”

  “You must be kidding,” Sally interjected. “I have my own children and I don’t want to forget what it was like coping with those bullies. I want to listen to my kids and pay attention if someone is making their lives miserable.”

  Pepper tossed in her two cents’ worth. “One of the reasons I became a cop was to make sure no one ever had that kind of power over me again.”

  Jack just shook his head.

  Margaret said, “Don’t judge us, Jack. You got off easy with that adoption comment. But you were a guy. They didn’t find the right way to harm you. Or Charlotte. Girls were their targets. Mona’s life must have been unbearable. She might not have been the only one. And you’re right, Pepper. I think one of the reasons I went into law was so that I could sue the pants off anyone who ever tried to pull stunts like that.”

  Sally said, “One of the reasons I got a gun was so—”

  “You do not have a gun, Sal,” Jack said.

  As Sally produced little Madison’s water pistol, I sat there thinking. I was pretty sure that Serena and her gang hadn’t influenced my career. But it might have had an impact on Mona’s. Mona’s life had been intolerable. I was now sure that there were many more crimes against her than I’d ever realized. And they had been crimes. Real crimes. Now Mona made her living ensuring that people were helped and rescued when they needed to be. She was good at that job too. Although if she continued to unravel, that could change. Mona could lose the self-respect she’d worked so hard to gain. My thinking had changed a bit. I’d found it easy to feel sorry for Haley when she approached me. Now I wasn’t so sure.

  Keep a master list of goals, projects, tasks, and even dreams. Check it every day and make sure that at least one item from that list is on your daily To Do.

  4

  As we finally headed out to our snow-covered cars, I stood near Pepper as I swept the latest layer of snow from the roof of my Miata. “I sure was lucky I invested in snow tires this year. My all-seasons would have been hell in all this snow.” After years of being on the outs with Pepper, I felt comfortable with her once again. We’d been inching toward that for a while, but as the result of events from the previous June, any hard feelings she’d nurtured were gone. I felt I could trust her advice. I said, “This is probably ridiculous, but what if Mona seriously intends to harm someone? What if she is over the edge? We’d feel pretty bad if Serena was killed or injured, wouldn’t we?”

  She didn’t hesitate. “As a police officer, I’d be appalled and I’d have no choice but to take action. I’m sworn to uphold the law. Personally though, I wouldn’t lose sleep over any of those bullies.”

  In the pale light of the snow, Pepper’s face was hard. If Mona did something wrong, Pepper would arrest her without a qualm, but there’d be no tears for the victim. I was begin
ning to understand that was a common reaction from my usually kind and gentle friends.

  I said, “Isn’t it better to take action before something happens? Mona’s not even herself, she’s so worked up. She sounds more distraught and angry every time I talk to her. What should I do? Go over there? I don’t actually know where she lives.”

  “You don’t do anything. You don’t get yourself all involved. Do not go over to her house or even try to find out where it is. I will talk sense to Mona. I’ll figure out if she needs some professional help. She’s a trained worker with our department; she works with the police. For sure, she can’t be going around talking like that.”

  “Or doing something that can’t be undone.”

  “Leave it with me.”

  “Okay.”

  “Charlotte?”

  “Yes?”

  “I mean it.”

  “Hey, fine with me. I have no desire to get any more caught up in this situation. I have more than enough to do this week. I was just minding my own business when she called me. I’m still not so sure why that was, unless she thought of me as a friend. You helped her out and stuck up for her, but maybe she chose not to talk to you because you’re with the police. I get that. I feel bad telling you about this situation, but I was concerned.”

  “Remember what I’m saying. Don’t start sticking your nose into an active investigation.”

  “Don’t worry,” I said as I got into my car to follow Jack, who had arrived separately in his ancient dung-colored Mini-Minor that evening. “I’m happy to leave you with this problem. I know you’ll handle it.”

  It had stopped snowing by the time we approached the yellow Victorian house I loved. I was still thinking about the mean girls and their impact on people like Mona. As we got out of our cars, I said, “We were very lucky in our friendships. You know that?”

  Jack turned to face me. “Still are lucky.”

  “And you’re right, Jack. I guess if you can’t forgive, it would only be bad for you.”

  “Sure. It would blight your existence. Make you bitter. Color the way you perceive life and limit your joy.”