“Nothing you need to be concerned with,” Lyssandra mumbled as she scaled the stairs from the dungeon to the ground level.
Itrek's tentacles flattened against his head as thunder shook the keep. “Did the tunnels collapse?”
Lyssandra turned around and smirked at him. “No. That is thunder.”
“What is thunder?”
“You're almost as curious as the Uldru girl, aren't you? Hael has far more questions than there are answers.”
“Hael isn't a girl. Hael is etten. A nature mistake.”
Lyssandra's smirk twisted into a scowl. “Hael thinks of herself as a girl, so she's a girl. What do you think of yourself as, Itrek?”
Itrek's aura became dusty with a prickle of sadness. “Nothing. I am nothing. I was intended to be a loremaster of my mother's caste, but I was not old enough to train when . . . when the etten slaughtered my hive. She was just in her execution, I know that now. I am a Varaku without a hive, a loremaster caste adolescent without lore to master. The gods abandoned me long before my world burned, and I feel only shame and grief. I am nothing.”
“Hmm. A monster with a conscience. We may find a use for you.” Lyssandra turned away and continued toward the keep door.
Ragan was waiting for them at the entry. Water dripped from his damp hood onto his jacket. His hand on his hip, he glared at the Varaku. “Just what are you three doing?”
Lyssandra looked up at Ragan and smiled. “I want to see how the creature reacts to the storm.”
Ragan narrowed his eyes. “Why'd you drag Tessen and Rin into your little experiment? They shouldn't be anywhere near him. Especially Rin.”
Lyssandra sighed and shook her head before gathering her long, black hair into a knot at her nape. “You know perfectly well that Tessen has a certain gift that I'm requiring him to develop. Katrin isn't your lover anymore, Ragan Vale. She doesn't require your permission, nor is she obligated to give you an explanation.”
Tessen heard his mother grind her teeth before she said, “I know you're worried about me, but stop. I have my own reasons.”
Ragan continued to stare at Itrek. On the rare occasion he and Rin spoke, they refused to make eye contact with each other. It was too painful for both of them, especially since Rin had moved on from their relationship while Ragan remained alone. “Does Daelis kn–”
“Doesn't matter.” Rin shifted away from Itrek, but kept a tight grip on his chains. “Go back to work, Ragan. I'm sure someone still needs to be fed.”
“No. I'm staying with you lot until that thing is safely locked back up.”
Tessen couldn't allow their muddled cloud of uncertainty to shade the sensations he was receiving from Itrek. If the Varaku's feelings turned toward malice, Tessen needed to know before anything happened. He tugged Itrek forward and muttered, “I know you two have all this tension that will never be resolved, but can you keep it to a minimum right now? Pretend you don't still love each other some other time. I've never been near a Varaku before, and he's overwhelming me because I don't understand even half of what he's feeling. Don't add to it.”
The air cooled to a static simmer that nearly matched the patter of the rain on the shutters. This was ignorable.
Ragan's blue eyes jumped from Itrek to Tessen. “I don't understand your magic.”
“Neither do I. That's why I need calm from all of you. If you can't stay calm, leave. Switch out Mom for Iefyr if you have to. His anxiety is enough in line with my own that it won't bother me, not like the lusty antipathy you two shed. I don't think that's something I can understand.”
Ragan's freckled cheeks flushed to a deep shade of red. Tessen was certain his mother's coloring matched.
Lyssandra drummed her fingernails on the wall. “Everything that happened between you two is irrelevant. You're bothering our empath and one of you needs to leave now. Katrin, go home. You shouldn't be doing this anyway. It's foolish.”
Rin dropped Itrek's chains and scaled the last step into the entry. “Me? You're the one who fought the Battle of Aerie Peak while six months pregnant with twins.”
“And I was lucky not to lose them. That's not what I was referring to, Katrin. Ragan is twice your size. He's better equipped to deal with this creature if it decides to turn on us.”
“I have no wish to fight,” Itrek murmured, his chin tucked to his chest.
“Fine.” The sound coming from Rin's throat was more a growl than a word. “Wait. No. Trade places with me. You help drag the Varaku outside and I'll follow, but I'll keep a distance.” She brushed her shoulder against Ragan's arm as she passed him. “Watch out for him, will you?”
“You know I always will.” Ragan descended the stairs and assumed Rin's former position on the Varaku's right.
Tessen rubbed his jaw joint with his free hand. An ache nagged him, beginning at the base of his skull and wrapping into his jaw. He wasn't sure if he had a toothache that needed tending to, if he'd unintentionally clenched his teeth until his muscles spasmed, or if the tension of the people around him and the unfamiliar sensations coming from the Varaku were congealing into the start of a blistering headache.
He ignored it and led the chained Varaku out of the keep and into the rainy night.
A sharp jab that tasted of citrus and yellow jolted him as lightning illuminated the shrouded mountains. The rain splattering upon his face was warm, but goosebumps rose on his arms and a shiver prickled at his shoulders. This was a recognizable emotion—terror. Tessen's heart rate rose to match Itrek's and he struggled to remind himself that it was just a storm.
Lyssandra unfurled an umbrella and studied Itrek with undisguised interest. “What does the creature feel, Tessen?”
Tessen swallowed and tilted his head away from Itrek's trembling tentacles. “He's afraid. So afraid he's having trouble remembering how to breathe.”
“Good, Tessen. Recognize his fear, but don't let it become your own.”
Tessen closed his eyes and focused on the counterbalance of Ragan's vague irritation. The lemony tang of Itrek's apprehension was impossible to ignore, but it could be masked as long as Tessen acknowledged where it was coming from and had another emotion to stabilize it. Even so, he wouldn't be able to focus on Ragan for long, so he needed to figure out how to allay Itrek's fear.
Tessen's adjusted the weight of Itrek's arm against his and said, “This is weather, one of many types. The water is rain, the noises are thunder and wind, and the light bursts are lightning. Lightning can be dangerous, but only if it's close enough to hit you. This is normal weather, especially for autumn and spring in these mountains. There are other types of weather on the surface. Hot and cold, snow, sleet, sun and clouds. Rain can be no more than a damp mist or it can come down like a waterfall.”
Thunder rumbled across the mountains. Itrek's shivering intensified, as did the acidic taste of citrus.
Tessen gasped through a series of coughs. Too much, too many senses. “We need to take him back inside. Please. He's terrified and I can't breathe.”
Ragan stepped in front of Itrek and grabbed his shoulders. He bent slightly so he could look into the Varaku's diamond-shaped eyes. “You need to calm yourself down. He feels what you're feeling and you're hurting him. This is just a thunderstorm. It's nothing to be afraid of.” He turned his head toward Lyssandra and scowled. “If you wanted to take him outside, you should've waited for the storm to pass. Why do you do this shit?”
Lyssandra smiled as she looked up at the clouds. “We learn best when we're challenged. This isn't a lesson for the creature, Ragan. It's for Tessen.”
“Bullshit, Lyssandra. This is some cold-hearted bullshit.”
Itrek bowed his head until his brow touched Ragan's chest. A whimper escaped his throat. “I don't belong here. Put me back. I'll stay in my cell until I die. I won't eat anyone or hurt anyone. I promise that. Don't bring me out here again. Please.”
Discomfort tensed Ragan's face, but he made no motion to push Itrek away. “You're torturing kids, Lys
sandra.”
Tessen rested his hand on Itrek's back, carefully avoiding the shivering tentacles. Remorse tasted like rubbery, sulfurous mushrooms and raw fish. “He thinks we're punishing him. He thinks he deserves it.” Tessen dropped Itrek's chains and walked toward Lyssandra. “I understand why you wanted to do this. I think I've figured out I can throw a kind of shroud over what he's feeling, but only if I have someone else to focus on. He's a kaleidoscope of sensations and if you truly want to understand him, I need to take my time and translate one emotion at a time like I'm deciphering a new language. This isn't the way to do it. You can't throw him into a panic without me panicking along with him. He's exactly like the Uldru in that everything here is new to him. I can't help you until you start treating him like a scared teenager instead of a monster. He's not a monster, and I won't let you turn him into one to prove whatever point you're trying to make.”
Lyssandra's eyes narrowed. She raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “I don't know what to make of you. Defiant, stubborn, honorable . . . Katrin, are you certain your son doesn't have a touch of orc in his ancestry? I know your other one does. Quite a shame, isn't it, that orcan blight in the Goldtree family line?”
Rin took a step forward into the lantern light, but remained sheltered beneath an awning. “We're done here. Ragan, I think you'll be able to return your new friend to his cell on your own. Tessen, walk me home.”
She held Tessen's hand and led him away from the keep.
Rin waited until they were across the square to squeeze Tessen's hand. “I don't know why she does this.”
“I do,” Tessen said. “She and Nylian trained their children as dragonbound by torturing them. They isolated the children from their dragons so they could feel the pain of separation. I've felt it and it's an intractable pain that can't be fully alleviated by any sort of spell or comfort. They did that to their children on purpose and claimed it would make them stronger. She doesn't seem to think anything of causing pain if that pain is justified by some end purpose. As for the rest, she pretends not to hate Daelis, but she does. He's a reminder that the claim her children have to the Crown is dependent on Daelis and Shan remaining quiet. She lets him stay here because of me. She wants to keep her empath with the dragon eyes, and that means tolerating Daelis because she knows I'll lose my shit if anyone tries to hurt my family again. Elsin will too, for that matter, and she doesn't want to risk losing her Captain. Even Ragan wouldn't stand for her doing anything to Daelis because he knows it would hurt you. She doesn't seem to have a problem with you, just him. Hopefully that won't extend to your Goldtree kids when they're older.”
“You told me you couldn't read her.”
Tessen took off his spectacles and wiped the rain on the hem of his tunic. “I can't. I can read her children, though. And Kemi has spoken to me about her. Tonight being an exception, Lyssandra is usually so pleasant toward you, Mom, but don't trust her. I feel like she's playing a game with us, especially now that the Uldru are here. I don't know what that game is, and neither does Kemi. I just know we need to continue to learn everything we can from her while remaining wary.”
Rin emitted warmth as she pressed against Tessen's side. They were on a residential street now, and Serida splashed through the puddles ahead, her tail bulb casting a soft green light upon the drifting rain. “You amaze me. My years as a merc made it difficult to trust most people, so don't worry about me getting too cozy with Lyssa. I don't know what she's doing with this Varaku kid, and I wish she'd leave it up to the Uldru to decide his fate. I don't think she sees them as competent, but they are.” They paused in front of Tessen's small stone house so Rin could kiss his cheek. “Go to sleep, Tes. We'll talk more tomorrow.”
TESSEN WAS AWARE OF Serida's flank pressed against his side, of her right wing extended across him like a protective blanket. He was aware of the raging storm outside, of the hail plinking on the roof, of the steady drip-drip-drip of a leak pooling into a bucket.
He was also aware that he was dreaming.
The shimmering gills of huge purple mushrooms loomed above his head. He propped himself on his elbows and looked over at Serida, who was batting at golden fruit hanging from a golden tree. A silver feather fell from the domed rock ceiling and landed on the lavender anemone-like grass at Tessen's feet. It transformed into a silver spider and skittered behind the stalk of the nearest mushroom.
“What is this place?” Tessen asked. He ran his fingers over the soft stalks of what his mind could only describe as grass. The stalks reached for his fingers and hovered as if kissing them before returning to their previous positions.
“Aes,” Serida said. She left the golden tree and trotted to Tessen. “I think it's Aes. I was an egg here. I don't know why I know, why I remember. Maybe my mother gave me a memory. Auna says she remembers Aerie Peak, but she was an egg there, too. Dragons must have inherited memories. That's the only way to explain some of the things I know.” Serida tilted her head and looked up at the high ceiling. “I don't like it here. I need a sky. Let's go somewhere better. Your choice.”
The violet luminescence of Aes evaporated into a sunset over the Celadon Sea. A light breeze carried the scents of eucalyptus and redwood from the nearby forest. Gulls cried, pelicans swooped, and butterflies fluttered about grasses and thistles. Tessen sank his fingers into the pale sand and smiled.
“You brought us here again.” Serida chased after a crab. She pounced on it, then swallowed it whole before joining Tessen.
“It's my favorite place.” Tessen stared at his feet. His useless boots vanished and he pushed his bare feet through the sand. “I don't know many places that don't come with bad memories. I haven't been many places at all. Jadeshire, the Faelands, Anthora, Mountain Home. Mountain Home is okay, but I didn't want to bring us to where we already were. I can't remember the name of this beach, or where to find it in the Jade Realm, but I remember how it made me feel. I'm calm here. That's why I always come back when my dreams are lucid.”
They sat for some time watching the waves before Serida nudged Tessen's elbow. “You told me to go away tonight.”
“I had to. You were growling at Itrek. He's afraid of you. I didn't want you to go away, just out of his sight.”
“I don't understand why your empathy extends to him.”
Wispy clouds shifted across the perpetual sunset. Tessen inhaled deeply. The dream scents of eucalyptus and ocean overlaid stronger scents of rain and lilac. The real world existed in tandem with the dream world and to focus too much on one would mean disconnecting from the other.
“I can't help it. He's a person. He's alone and afraid and dejected.” Tessen manifested a length of driftwood solely so he could pick it up and toss it into the water. “I don't want to talk about him. Or try to explain the things I felt from him. My bond to you keeps amplifying this ability more and more. It's trying to chew me up and swallow me down.”
“It's not an ability. It's you. It's who you are.” Serida trilled at a passing pelican. It squawked, then transformed into a golden dragon before getting lost in the sunset.
“I'm losing my sense of self to it. I feel like I'm drifting through the world, just watching my body move and hearing my voice speak. It's the strangest feeling of disconnect and I can't figure out how to ground myself and rejoin a life that doesn't feel real. The emotions I feel are more likely things I've absorbed from others than genuinely mine. I don't feel like a person anymore, just an observer, just a background character in a play that encompasses the entire world. What do I do with this, Serida? Do I surrender, do I fight it, do I accept the inevitability that the real me will be lost forever?”
Serida flicked her tongue across Tessen's cheeks, then nuzzled him so forcefully he ended up lying flat on his back. She stood over him and rubbed her snout through his hair. “No. No, no, no. You are not lost and this disconnect you're feeling isn't because you're an empath. I don't know what it is, but I noticed it in you months ago. I think it's a symptom of your anxiety, and I th
ink it will pass with time. I love you and I want you to be happy.”
“I don't know what that feels like,” Tessen whispered. He reached up and stroked the soft scales beneath her chin.
“You give of yourself freely and expect nothing in return. It's both a strength and a weakness. You hurt because you are kind. Your empathy extends past simply feeling what others feel. You hurt because you can't let go of anyone else's pain. You wick it into yourself so a small measure of it can fade from them, and it becomes part of you. You have been gathering it, collecting it for eighteen years. It used to be a little at a time, but now it's constant and this reservoir you've created within yourself cannot hold any more. I don't know how to help you reconnect with your sense of self, but I think I can help you learn to release the pain you hold onto, the pain that is making you sick. Don't worry. We won't be returning that pain to the people you took it from.” Serida turned around and trotted into the water. “Follow me.”
Tessen found himself sitting chest-deep in the water without having walked there. “Do I really do that?”
“Yes. It's innate. I'm sorry I didn't recognize it sooner.” Serida sat behind Tessen. She nudged his shoulder, encouraging him to lean back against her. “Your heart is always so fast now. So is mine because it has to match yours. Anchor yourself in the sand beneath you. I need you to feel the waves. Listen to the waves. Breathe in as they approach and out as they recede.”'
Tessen closed his eyes and relaxed against Serida. The water wasn't real, but he felt it as if it was. He could hear it, smell it, taste the foam jumping onto his lips. Breathe in, breathe out, one wave at a time.
Serida's tongue flicked his ear. “Good. Your pain reservoir is tremendous, but this sea is bigger, so big that it won't notice what you're giving it. Each time a wave crashes over you, release some of that reservoir into the water. Let the water churn it into something worthwhile, some storm that nourishes a distant field. One wave at a time, let it go. Let the dream fade as the reservoir approaches empty and find yourself in the deepest of sleeps. You haven't visited that sleep state in a long time. You need to return to it tonight.”
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