A lightness filled Tessen's chest as the water carried away the burden he hadn't known he'd held. Lighter, lighter, and he let the sun sink beneath the horizon. Oranges and pinks faded to gray faded to starry black. Serida's heart calmed along with his and together they left the dream for the abyss of deep sleep.
THE BED SHIFTED AS someone sat down at Tessen's right. Cold, damp fingertips touched his brow. He didn't care who it was or why. He wanted to hold onto the remnants of this sleep as long as possible. Serida had the same idea. She was snuggled up in his arms like an oversized pillow.
“Tessen? Are you all right? It's late afternoon.” The voice was familiar, but Tessen couldn't find a name or a face for it. He didn't want to. He only wanted to hold this position of comfort until his own body demanded he move. “Serida?”
Either the lightness he felt at the end of the shared dream persisted into reality or he had carried it over into a more mundane dream about an intruder sitting on his bed.
“We figured something out, and it's almost as easy as the moonlight link. Not quite, but I can do it again when I need it.” Tessen's voice carried a groggy slur, but it no longer felt detached. Despite the numbness his body carried from excessive sleep, it was the first time in months that his skin felt like his own. He hoped it wouldn't fade into the hollow disconnect once he was upright.
Often. You'll need to do it often. I'll help. Serida's chirping lingered at the edge of his consciousness. He wouldn't be able to hear her once he fully woke. Another reason to stay in bed.
“What is it?” Kemi. This was Kemi hovering above him, Kemi touching his face. Her floral scent, a gift of the dragonbind, flooded his senses. It was pleasant rather than overwhelming, and he couldn't help but smile as he breathed it in.
“You smell like jasmine. It's wonderful.” Tessen released his embrace of Serida. She let out a low trill, then rolled away and dropped to the floor. She shook out her wings and left the bedroom to stomp around the kitchen.
“What did you figure out?”
Tessen eased himself from his side to his back. He slowly reached up to touch her cheek as he opened his eyes. “I think it's called grounding, at least that's what it's called when the magic-skilled do something similar. Serida told me I've been unconsciously absorbing little bits of everyone else's pain my entire life. She taught me how to purge myself of the collected feelings. I don't know if I can do it while I'm awake, but it was easy enough while lucid dreaming.”
“You always make it sound as if you have actual conversations with her that consist of more than toddler dragon babble.” Kemi regarded him with concern in her dragonlike blue eyes. “Tessen, you can't rely on egg memories to guide you. I think we need to find another empath to teach you, someone older with experience. I've been watching you struggle more and more lately and I wish I could help you but I don't know what to do. You're the only empath I've ever met, and my mother wouldn't give me an answer when I asked if she knew any. You may be extraordinarily rare, even more so than a lightbinder witch.”
“Or it's just that empaths have a tendency to become hermits. Sometimes it seems a better alternative than losing myself to the collective chaos of everyone else.” Tessen held Kemi's hand over his heart. “I think I'm okay now. Do you feel my heart? It's not pounding like it's about to explode anymore. That sensation of a mountain troll stepping on my ribcage is gone. I feel like a person right now, an actual person, not some observer watching the world from a distance or a trembling ball of anxious nothing.”
He startled as she kissed him, first his cheek, then full on his lips. His shoulders tensed, clouding some of the lightness, until she sat upright to run her fingers through his hair.
“Kemi, I . . . uh. Why?”
She turned away, but he still saw the red rising in her cheeks and ear tips. “Sorry. I don't know why I did that.”
She leaned into his touch as he ran a knuckle along the line of her jaw. He fought away a new tightness in his chest as he said, “I know why. I'm sorry. We both know I'm not the one for you. I don't think I'm the one for anyone. And I'm okay with that. I'm an empath who picks up on the romantic feelings and attractions of others but I've never had any of my own. You need someone who can reciprocate. I don't think you could ever be happy with someone who loves you but can't give you the type of love you want and deserve.”
Kemi held a hand over her mouth and shook her head. “Holy shit, Tessen.”
“I'm sorry. I'm intrusive without meaning to be. And I'm not really normal. I've never had a crush, never felt the desire to sleep with anyone. I do love, deeply and without hesitation, but it's not romantic or lustful or . . . or . . . I don't know. Maybe I'm broken. Shan used to say I was. Not many other people know this about me. It was too weird to tell anyone.”
The air between them bubbled with confusion and uncertainty. Kemi's hair tickled Tessen's cheek as she bent forward to kiss his forehead. She leaned back and shoved the errant strand behind her ears. “I know. Ragan told me a long time ago. I'm sorry. That was impulsive. And your speech seems to be uninhibited today, so now I've been fully lectured.”
Tessen sat up and embraced her. “I've been around enough people to know that hearts are funny things that like to demand attention from reluctant sources. I'm sorry I've disappointed yours.”
“You haven't, my wonderful friend.” She rested her temple against his and breathed through restrained tears. “Even if it was mutual, we couldn't be together. I'm both a Lightborn and the heir to the Moonlight Guardianship, and you're human. My parents would never allow it. My heart is such a stupid thing, and so are my impulses.”
“Nothing about you is stupid.” Tessen released her. He swung his legs off the side of the bed and stood, nearly banging his head on the low, sloped ceiling. He held out his hand to help Kemi to her feet. “I don't know if I'll ever feel anything like what other people do. I often hope I do. I'd like to have a family of my own someday, but as I get older it feels more unlikely. It would be nice if I could have that with you, but with what I've heard regarding your sister I'm afraid we'd end up like Iefyr's family. In hiding or dead or eventually both. I don't want you to live in fear of that.”
“I'm sorry I woke you to embarrassment.” She squeezed his hand as they walked into the kitchen, where Serida happily chomped at an early season pumpkin.
“You didn't. I think this afternoon caught us both in a strange moment. Are you okay?” Tessen searched his pantry for something to eat. There wasn't much that didn't require cooking. He chose a carrot and bit into it while wondering if there was anything else.
“Yes. I'm fine.” She wasn't. She'd cast an awkward net of self-conscious sorrow around her shoulders. Tessen wanted to comfort her but he was afraid anything he said or did would make it worse. “Let's go. We're supposed to help with Uldru breakfast and vocabulary lessons, remember? That's why I came here to find you. Looks like we've got another stormy night ahead, so bring your umbrella.”
12
Shan
Tessen, are you okay? You haven't written anything in weeks.
–Shan
S–
Serida taught me something and now everything is different. Better. I don't think I can explain it, but maybe being dragonbound was what I needed all along.
–Tessen
WHY? WHAT DID SHE TEACH you?
–S
SHAN–
The cause of some of my anxiety and how to relieve it. I never realized how much of a physical effect it had on me until now. This is the first time I've been able to breathe without feeling a tightness in my chest and go through a day without my heart jumping to a flutter at every mundane decision. I felt like that even before I was bound. I don't have random, inexplicable pains anymore. What she taught me didn't cure my anxiety, not at all, but it has made the world bearable.
I don't know how dragon memory works. K mentioned something about egg memories, and it seems they inherit a measure of knowledge from their parents even if they neve
r meet them. The next time you dream, ask Lumin if he knows how to ground you. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Maybe 'purge you of collected pain'. The way we do it involves lucid dreaming and the ocean. I want to try it with real water while I'm awake, but she's afraid I'll fall asleep and drown since she's not big enough to pull me to safety yet. I think it could really help you if he knows how. Like I said, not a cure for everything vexing us, but it's a wonderful relief and it brings on a deep sleep that allows you to wake feeling better instead of worse.
I can't write anymore for now. I have needed to become fairly nocturnal recently so it's time to start my night.
Love you,
Tessen
I CAN ASK BUT I DON't think he'll answer, Shan thought. He stared down at the journal while sleet pounded the solarium windows. It was an ugly sound that made him wish his residence was either a few levels lower in the rain zone or a few levels higher where it was snowing.
TESSEN,
I'm glad you're feeling better. Lumin still doesn't talk to me much in our shared dreams (the few I have. I don't dream much), but I'll ask him. I certainly could use the sleep.
–Shan
“YOUR DRAGON WAS CHEWING on a book,” Marita said, and Shan jolted. He hadn't noticed her come into the solarium. The greenhouse was wonderfully overgrown and it was easy for the slight forest elf to disappear within the fronds and vines.
“Good. Maybe he'll learn something.” Shan closed the journal and tucked it into his pocket. It was still a struggle to convince his working fingers to complete tasks that his mind wanted his paralyzed fingers to participate in. Every task required a little more mental attention and a lot more patience. He knew he'd never get used to the deficits caused by Nylian severing his ulnar nerves or the alarming clawed appearance of his hands that resulted.
Marita sat on the floor in front of him, her legs crossed and her knees touching his. She smiled as she swayed. “The manor I grew up in had a room like this. Smaller, but the garden was just as established. It was my safe place. I used my magic to blend into the greenery and no one noticed I was there. The little solarium is the only thing I remember fondly about that house and time.” She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as she continued to rock. “I can smell everything right now. Moss growing in the corners, rich compost, the leaves of the lime tree. You. Lilac. I love your lilac scent.”
“It's Lumin's, not mine. I don't seem to have a scent of my own since I took on his.”
“Well, I love it.” Marita fluttered her fingertips across Shan's knees, then settled them on the tops of his bare feet. “I wish this storm would pick one thing or another. I like the snow and I like the rain. I don't like this. It's such a harsh sound.”
“It's needles being thrown at our feet and the only way we can move is to step on them.”
Marita reached into her satchel and pulled out a red leather-bound book with bite marks on the corners and binding. She set it on Shan's lap and shrugged. “That's what he was eating. He slunk off to sulk after I pried it out of his hands, but I think he was trying to say something to us. Read it.”
Shan carefully picked up the book and winced. The leather was damp with dragon saliva. He had to pull apart the dimpled pages to open the cover. “The Fae Genesis, by Magret Stormscythe. Good gods, this is a record of the creation of the Fae by the elves. And written by an orc. Stormscythe is an Azure Realm orc clan. This is like one of the history texts that Iefyr was prattling about.”
Marita traced a scarification pattern just above Shan's right ankle. It depicted a pair of snails with intertwined eye stalks and runes on their shells. “It is one of the texts. He has a copy that his father stole from the Ironwood library, but he left it in Tidegarden for his little sister. This is a forbidden book, along with many others that speak ill of elven highborn or detail segments of Bacran history that clergy or aristocrats might find objectionable. The only copies that were not destroyed by order of Nylian's mother are either traded in the black market or carefully hidden on the shelves of highborn.”
“High Queen Kyriana was a book burner? I take it she covered up her own part in that little abomination. Where did Lumin find this?” Shan asked, curious if there were more forbidden books the little dragon could retrieve for him.
“My guess is that he's been creeping through the plumbing ducts and ended up in Nylian's personal library. That's the only thing that would make sense. I have no idea where that might be. His wives don't even know where his private residence is, where he goes when he's not with them or working.” Marita picked up the small stack of books at Shan's side and flipped through the pages. “Anyway, we should read it, or what's left of it. I feel like there must be a link between the elves who created the Fae and the elves who enslaved the Uldru, so maybe if we can find it in the past, we can connect the lines to the present and figure out who the rest of the Jarrah are. Or whatever they call themselves. Maybe Jarrah was just the Nightshadow sect and the rest are called different things.” Her freckled nose scrunched as her fingers paused over a slim blue volume. “What in the Light are you researching, Shan? Fertility Rites for Warlocks? Based on the fact that I can smell a spiced apple dumpling cooking halfway across Anthora, we don't need that at the moment.”
Shan took the book from her and set it aside. “We don't, and that particular book didn't end up being relevant for what I'm about to do.”
“Shan?” Worry shadowed Marita's face.
Shan held her hands and tried to ignore the rising pace of his heart. “Oh. Nothing bad. I'm just . . . I'm just worried that your body hasn't had enough time to recover between losing our first one and conceiving this one. And yes, I already know. Heightened senses seem to be the only dragonbound gift I've received so far. You smell different, a little bit like strawberries.”
A faint smile touched Marita's lips as she glanced toward a potted blueberry bush. “But you don't want this.”
“You do, and I want you to be happy. I think I'll be fine with it eventually. I do feel like I have a threat dangling over my head right now—from Nylian, not you, never from you—but that doesn't mean I don't feel a hopeful love for the child we created together. That's why I need to do something to help protect both of you. I wish I could have done it for our last one, but it took me until today to figure out how to do this.” Shan picked up a pair of scissors, then twisted away from Marita and snipped a sprig of comfrey that sprouted from a cluster of medicinal herbs in one of the sunken beds lining the path.
Marita stifled a laugh. “Comfrey? Shan, honey, I know you mean well but you can't do green magic. You're a warlock.”
“This isn't green magic. Or warlock magic.” Shan grinned as he rolled the comfrey leaves into a ball between his palms. It was an awkward task considering the paralysis of the last two fingers on both of his hands. “You're going to learn something new about me tonight, something no one else knows. Now, I need something of yours, something that you won't be taking off for at least the next nine months. I'd say that ridiculous squirrel pheromone pendant, but it already has an enchantment on it. I don't want to use one of your rings either because your fingers might swell.”
“Will this work?” Marita held up her hand, revealing a silver link bracelet inset with opal cabochons.
Shan ran his fingers across the stones. “Am I losing time and mind again or is this new? I don't remember seeing it before.”
Marita pinched the clasp to release the bracelet into Shan's hand. “Yes, it's new. A falcon dropped it off this morning.”
“Falcon? Who sent it to you?”
“Tessen.”
“Perfect.” Shan gathered the bracelet around the comfrey, then cupped his hands to cover it. “Created with love, because that's his way. I think he has his own form of protective magic, but it won't conflict with mine.”
“Shadow magic?” Marita asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No. Quite the opposite.” Shan held up his hands and the dwarfstone sconces flickered. Tiny orbs of blue light
broke free from the overall glow and zipped toward him. He breathed easily as he gathered them around his wrists. They shifted from pale blue to silver as they congealed along his palms and vanished into the metal and stones of the bracelet. Once the glow faded, he buried the comfrey ball in the soil beneath its mother plant. He tried to return the bracelet to Marita's wrist, but struggled with the clasp until she took over and finished it herself. “See, that's it. Now it's a protective charm. It will keep both of you healthy. I'm sorry I didn't learn how to do this in time to save our first one.”
Marita kissed him, forcefully at first, then gently. A tear trickled down her cheek as she sat back to smile at Shan. “You're a gods-damned lightbinder. How?”
“I have no idea how,” Shan said with a shrug and a grin. His heart was calm now. She would be safe, and for now that was all that mattered. “I'm a paradox, skilled in both shadow and light. I didn't know about the light until I became a Spellkeeper.” He tugged the chain around his neck to raise his eye and wing pendant. He flipped it through his fingers as he continued to speak. “This was the first thing I infused. I was having a complete breakdown as I made it, and when they left me alone to finish it, in desperation I tried drawing the light into it. It worked. I can hide the silver in my aura within the purple shadows so other warlocks can't see what I am. I'm not very adept at this yet because I'm teaching myself, but the enchantment on the bracelet is benevolent and doesn't have any secondary effects. I wouldn't even think of putting it on you if it did anything unpredictable. I'm getting better at this, slowly. Many of my early attempts yielded rather bizarre results.”
Marita's green eyes brightened as she tapped the cabochons with her fingertips. “Are you . . . it was you, wasn't it? Those gifts we found after the Owlfae, you made those?”
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