She waited until Elan spun into a circle of giggling orcan children before acknowledging the grumble of her stomach. There were so many food smells between these sandstone pillars and tangled flowering vines, and she only recognized a few of them. The orcs saved certain foods for certain celebrations, so there were many things on the serving table that she couldn't identify. She spooned a selections of things that looked interesting onto a plate, then joined Ragan, Itrek, Adina, and Frald at a nearby table.
“Welcome, Hael,” Frald said, scooting her chair to make room. Hael had learned that the gold-haired, blue-eyed woman's coloring was unusual among orcs, but there were several among the Foxfire clan who shared it. They also shared common ancestors—a highborn desert elf and his half-orc mate—with Daelis, and the orcs and the elf regarded each other as distant kin. “Itrek was just telling us about Varaku biology. It's quite fascinating.”
“Hael, didn't you tell me there are more than two sexes among Varaku?” Adina asked. With her hair braided and a gray dress complementing the turquoise of her eyes, she was lovely and Hael wondered how anyone could have ever thought she was anything but a girl. The orcs still accidentally used the wrong words for her sometimes, but they were quick to correct themselves.
Hael nodded, then stabbed a fork into a purple vegetable. It was sweet and starchy, and Hael knew she'd be going back to the table for more. “Yes. Itrek, there are four, right?”
“Yes.” Itrek folded his lower hands together while his upper hands tore the peel from a pungent fruit. “Uldru have three sexes—male, female, and etten—but etten are undeveloped males who look like females, and they're barren. Varaku and most live-birth animals of the underground are more complicated. Males can only fertilize, females are larger and can only birth. Then there are ralds, which are small and have external anatomy like males, but they have female interiors. They can be fertilized by males or dayla and give birth, but they cannot fertilize females. Dayla are between males and females in size, and they can both fertilize and birth, so they can mate with any sex.”
“Those are just anatomic sexes, though, right?” Adina asked.
“They are. Most males and females call themselves male or female, but ralds and dayla are different. We do not have a language of our own, and the Goldtrees told me the Jarrah likely made our original language forbidden and forced us to use theirs. That language only has male and female pronouns, and the Jarrah never allowed us to create and use our own, so the other sexes were told they needed to pick one or the other. Many Varaku of all sexes switch between pronouns throughout life, but ralds tend toward the masculine even when they pair with males or birth children. Some dayla switch what they're called occasionally, some don't care and use whatever words suit them at the moment, others choose one pronoun in childhood and keep it through life. That can depend on attraction. Since dayla can mate with any sex, by adolescence they often call themselves by the pronoun for the function they wish to serve as a signal to potential mates. If they want to bear children, they pick the feminine pronouns, and if they want to father children they choose the masculine.”
Frald smiled as she swallowed a bite of food. “Varaku are fascinating people, at least from a medical point of view. Limb regrowth, unusual bone structure, four sexes... How many of each are there? I mean, proportionally.”
Itrek tapped his fingers on the table. “About a third are physical males and a third are physical females. The other third is half rald and half dayla. That proportion is the same no matter what combination of parents created a set of children. Even a male-female mated pair, if they have six children, they are likely to have two males, two females, one rald, and one dayla.”
“What are you?” Frald asked.
“Dayla.” Itrek's tentacles coiled as he stared at the fruit in his hands. “I knew when I was young that I didn't want to birth children and my primary attraction was toward females, so I chose masculine pronouns. I've never felt a call to switch to the feminine.”
“Do Varaku have multiple mates, or do they form pairs?” Adina asked. Hael could see by the light in her eyes that she found Itrek's description as interesting as Frald did.
Itrek swallowed a piece of his fruit, then shrugged his lower shoulders. “Either is acceptable. My parents were a male-dayla pair who chose a single bond. My rald sibling had both a female and a dayla mate, which is a common arrangement for ralds. Some bonded groups have a mate of each sex, or are groups of five with two dayla of different genders. Some pairs or groups are all the same sex but different genders, some are all the same gender but different sexes, some are the same gender and same sex. I can't think of any combination that isn't acceptable among Varaku, but we always told the Jarrah we formed monogamous pairs because our sexes alone made them uncomfortable and they made it clear they didn't approve of our mating traditions. As for me, I'm not sure. I haven't reached sexual maturity yet, but my attractions so far have told me I would have likely taken a single female or female-gendered dayla mate if I still had a hive.”
Hael looked away. It was her fault that Itrek no longer had a hive and was unlikely to ever have a mate. It was necessary and he had forgiven her for it, but she still felt guilty about taking the possibility of a family from him. She somewhat knew what that felt like. Her heart had been torn in half when the Varaku tried to mate her with an Uldru named Jen only to find she couldn't be mated at all. Despite his disgust at discovering she was etten, Jen had been gentler with her than the Varaku were, but he had died in the uprising. She sometimes thought about how no Uldru in the freeborn generations ahead would be descended from her and her heart remained split. Itrek's fate was the same, except there would be no generations ahead for him. He was the only and last of his kind, a Varaku with no hive and no blood legacy.
Ragan, who had been sitting in silent contemplation since Hael's arrival, set his bubbling drink on the table and scrunched his freckled nose. “I heard about something once. What's a Raxan, Itrek?”
Itrek shuddered and his tentacles flattened against his head. “An abomination, or so I was taught to believe. Varaku males become too aggressive sometimes and take what they shouldn't. Occasionally that means they forcibly mate with Uldru women. Raxan can result from those violations, hybrids with a Varaku father and an Uldru mother. Never the other way around. Raxan can be healthy and the ones who are loved enough to be hidden sometimes survive infancy, but they are barren, dead ends in tunnels that never should have been dug. I may be alone in this world, but I would never be so cruel to create a Raxan.”
Frald reached over to hold his hand. “My dear, I know you well enough now to know you're not capable of cruelty. You may be the only one of your kind here, but I hope one day you are able to see that the life you've chosen gives you purpose, and among friends you'll never be alone.”
A faint smile twitched at the corners of Adina's lips. “The orcs aren't afraid of him, are they?”
“Not at all. We see him for what he is and what he chooses to be. He has the soul of a shaman, and that is what we will teach him to be.”
Hael picked through the food on her plate as she watched Itrek and Frald regard each other with a fondness she'd usually only seen between close kin. She swallowed something that tasted simultaneously meaty and fruity, then took a sip of water and said, “Itrek, I'm glad you found a reason to stay alive. You have a gift that will save many lives and you should be proud of it. I used to hate you, but now you're my friend and it saddens me that I'll be leaving you behind soon.”
Itrek closed his bright eyes and his wide mouth drooped into a quivering frown. “You are becoming yourself just as I am, and that means our nights together are almost over. You've given me gifts I didn't expect, and now I have found people to live among who do not fear me and who do not want me to become something I'm not. You're right, Frald. I'm not alone. I think I may have found a new kind of home, and Hael, you brought me here. Even if we never see each other again, I'll forever be grateful to you.” His tentacles ra
ttled and he tilted his head toward Ragan. “You too, Ragan. You told me when we met that you weren't afraid of me and you wanted to see for yourself if I was a monster or a person. You eventually decided I was a person and you've helped me more than I think you understand. I am going to miss you, my friend.”
Ragan smiled and swished his tail. “Kid, I'm sure I'll make it back this way eventually. I'll come check in on you when I do. I'm glad you've found what you needed. Maybe I'll be as fortunate someday. Until again, my friend.”
“Until again.”
The Uldru, the elf, the Varaku, the orc, and the half-Fae sat in comfortable silence as young dancers and scents of interesting foods twirled around them. Above them was the sky, around them the lush desert, but what sat beneath their feet? This violet land called Aes? More hives of toiling and dying Uldru? Not far beyond the edge of Sungate sat a gateway to the underground. She was leaving soon, but maybe someday Hael would need to return to this place, if only to venture into the mine and see if there were more of her people deep beneath who needed help breaking free.
27
Benny
Benny stood at the prow and breathed in the cool night air as the star-speckled sea lapped against the hull. Five days out of Auberline, and this was the first time the sky was clear. The gentle sway of the deck beneath her feet was a welcome change from the turbulence of the previous days.
The deck behind her creaked.
“Did you tell him yet?” Iefyr asked, his gravelly voice a lovely accompaniment to the sloshing waves. He was almost as at home on the water as she was, and she may have considered pursuing a life at sea with him if not for Radamar's unrelenting seasickness.
Auna nudged Benny's thigh as she opened her arms to welcome Iefyr into an embrace. She rocked him in time with the ship and whispered, “No.”
“You need to before your mother's hands slip. It'll devastate him if he doesn't hear it from you.”
“I'm afraid it will devastate him either way.”
Iefyr kissed her hair and sighed. “Benny, he wanted this, too. I don't understand why you don't want to tell him.”
“Tell who what?” Radamar croaked as he braced himself against the handrail next to Benny. Dark circles ringed his eyes and his complexion was tinted a shade of green that even the moonlight couldn't subdue.
Benny let go of Iefyr to embrace Radamar. “Nice to see you above deck. Radella is still asleep, right?”
“Deeply and peacefully. I'm so glad she takes after you when it comes to sailing. And most other things.” Radamar swallowed and leaned harder against Benny. “Is it me you need to tell something to?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“I think I know. You're pregnant, aren't you?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn't you want to tell me?” His hand worked its way through the tangles at her nape. He smelled of sweat and illness, and the lethargic nature of his movement revealed just how much this journey had depleted him.
“I...” Benny's knee gave way in a controlled collapse, and she sank to the deck. Iefyr and Radamar sat on either side of her, and together they leaned back against the handrail. “I'm about eight weeks along. I already love this baby and I want to be happy about it, but I'm being invaded by memories and they're making it difficult to keep myself from crying all the time.”
Auna trilled, then curled up next to Iefyr with her head on his knee. Benny reached across him to scratch the bases of her black head fronds.
Radamar laid his head on Benny's shoulder. “I don't understand. What memories?”
Tears filled her eyes. “I wanted to tell you when we reunited, but I couldn't, not with what you'd gone through. I didn't want to hurt you.”
Radamar leaned forward to look at Iefyr. “Do you know what this is about?”
“No,” Iefyr said. He shifted Benny's hand off Auna so he could hold it. “Benny, you trust us, right?”
“With all my heart.” Her eyes traveled up the foremast. Lenna and Serida dozed together on a yard. Benny had seen little of the Lims since leaving Auberline, but their dragons were constant fixtures above deck.
“Then why are you afraid?”
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “I'm not afraid. I'm grieving.”
“For what?”
“Not what. Whom.” Tears now trickling down her cheeks, she put her arm around Radamar. “This isn't my second baby. It's my third. I want to be happy about this baby, but I can't stop thinking about the one I lost. The one we lost, Radamar. I'm sorry. I should have told you.”
Radamar reached up to stroke Benny's cheek with the back of his hand. “I always wondered.”
“You did?”
“Yes. We were trying to have another, but then you blew up the temple and Ranalae took you away. I had no idea where she'd taken you, and I couldn't help but wonder if we'd been successful, especially after Ranalae did what she did to me. Did you miscarry? Is that why you're anxious now?”
“No, I didn't miscarry,” Benny whispered. She didn't want to tell them, but she had to. They had the right to know, especially Radamar.
“What happened?”
She whimpered through an exhale. Her shoulders quaked as she tried to return air to her protesting lungs. “I gave birth to our son alone in a moldy prison cell. He was tiny and weak, and I'm not sure how premature he was because I don't even know what day he was born. They wouldn't give him medical help, but they let me keep him. They do that with babies born on Claw Island. Unless the mother is an immediate danger to them, babies stay with the mothers until they're about three, and then they're taken to the mainland and put in orphanages. And there are a fair amount of babies born in the prison. Some women arrive there pregnant, others are raped by guards. A guard tried to do that to me once, not long after I arrived, but I separated his cock from his body before he had to be dragged bleeding and screaming out of my cell, and no one ever tried to touch me again after that.
“Radamar, we had a son. Pretty little boy with curly wisps of dark brown hair and your big brown eyes. He was so tiny, but I think he would have been okay if he'd been born anywhere else. But he was born in a prison and had to breathe in the mold and the damp. I called him weak a moment ago, but he wasn't. He was strong enough to fight until he couldn't any more. I kept him tucked against my bare skin, kept him warm, squeezed out drops of milk to slip onto his tongue when he became too frail to nurse. I couldn't save him though, not when the dank of the place coated his lungs and made it too hard for him to keep breathing. Still, he kept fighting to stay alive. I just held him as he struggled with his little body twisted in pain. I told him I loved him and it was okay to let go, was okay to stop fighting. He looked up at me with those beautiful brown eyes, filled with pain and confusion . . . and love. Through all of that he knew I was trying to bring him comfort. He closed his eyes and never opened them again. He died two days later, forty days after he was born. I'd kept a tally on the wall to mark off the days because I hoped to find out what his birthday was, but even the warden refused to tell me the date. He told me it was better when babies born in the prison died, and those babies didn't need birthdays because they never really existed. Our son existed, though, and right now he's all I see when I close my eyes.”
Radamar shifted to face Benny, then gently leaned in to kiss her. He tasted of salt and ginger. “I love you,” he whispered, his hand warm on the back of her neck. “I'm so sorry. I love you and I understand why you didn't tell me. I know now, though, and my tears join yours. What was our son's name?”
“Berigan,” Benny whispered. The name caught against her teeth and she forced it out a second time. She hadn't spoken it aloud in two years. “Berigan, after my parents because I hoped some of their strength would find its way into him. If there is any record of him at Claw Island, it only says Vale infant, deceased. He was so much more than that and it is a disservice to him to leave him unacknowledged and anonymous. He was my light in the abyss, from the moment I realized he existed unt
il the moment he left me.” She eased Radamar's hand off her neck and pressed both it and Iefyr's hand against her belly. “This baby is a new sort of hope, but right now it's shaded by Berigan. Iefyr, I don't want to cloud your joy for what will be your firstborn with my grief for its lost brother, but every time a memory surfaces it's like I'm reliving it instead of just remembering. And that's all I have of him, memories. I don't have a lock of his hair or a toy or any of the rags the guards gave me to swaddle him in, just memories.”
“You're not carrying that grief alone anymore,” Iefyr said, kissing her temple. “Some wounds can't heal, but I think now the pain will burden you less because you can talk to us about him.”
“I had a son...” Radamar's fingers walked across Benny's belly to settle against Iefyr's hand. “I wish I could have met him, but I can still know him through you. I'm so sorry, Benny. You had to go through that alone and you've carried him alone for so long. I'm glad you were finally able to share him with me.”
“You're not angry with me?” Benny asked, sniffling.
“Not at all. The things that happened to us were not your fault or mine, they were Ranalae's. We can forget her now, okay? Not our son, just her. We'll keep Berigan in our hearts as we help Radella grow up. And this one.” He pressed his palm against Benny's belly and tried to smile as a sob wracked his shoulders. “I can't say I'm not sad, or not a touch jealous that this baby isn't mine, but you're carrying within you a new chance at the happiness that was stripped from you before. There was so much joy in you when you first held our daughter. I'm eager to see that again when you meet this one.”
“I think I'm always going to live in fear of watching another of my children die.” Benny pulled Radamar toward her and traced the sections of his sandy braid. “Damn it, I should have told you a long time ago.”
Iefyr rested one hand on Benny's shoulder and the other on Radamar's back. She leaned against him and felt his warmth flow through her. He turned his head away and tried to restrain a laugh.
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