“What?” Benny said, growling more than she intended.
“I apologize. I'm having random thoughts.” Iefyr kissed Benny's cheek and rubbed Radamar's back. “I love you two. I can't promise we'll never lose a child, but you do need to realize what you're carrying, Benny. This baby is a half-elf since we both are, but the other half is orc and human. Not just any orc and human—Sealash and Vale. Resilience is in its blood.”
“So is deafness. I hope you're prepared for that. Most of my mother's family is deaf, and I already passed it on to one child.”
Iefyr withdrew his hands so he could slowly sign, «I'm not worried about it. Radamar is fluent because you taught him before Radella was born. I'll get there. I understand her fine. The rest of you are still too fast.»
The deck boards creaked. “Your hands are awfully damned clumsy for someone as good a field medic as you are.”
Benny looked up to watch Mordegan stumble around a pile of crates and ropes. “Dad? How long have you been there?”
His hand drifted across his stomach as he shrugged. “A little while. Didn't want to interrupt, but I likely overheard some things you didn't want me to. Congratulations, by the way.”
“Mom already told you, didn't she?” Benny asked. She wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeve and smiled at him.
“Of course she did. You know your mother. She's not one for silence.” Mordegan grimaced and rubbed at his shirt.
“Are you supposed to be walking around?”
“Eh. I needed some air. I'm okay so long as I don't try to move too fast or stand up straight.”
“Well, there's our stubbornness, Iefyr.” Benny wiggled out from under Radamar and approached Mordegan. She had a feeling she'd need to catch him if the ship lurched. “I'm sorry you had to find out the rest by eavesdropping, Dad. I should have told you personally.”
Mordegan brushed a tear from her cheek. “Benny-girl, you certainly keep a lot of secrets. You've been letting them eat away at you since I found you in that shithole. Anything else you want to get off your mind? These boys of yours are right . . . it does help.”
“You should tell them about the temple, about why Ranalae took you away from us,” Radamar whispered. He was behind her, his hand on her lower back. She leaned into his arms and watched Iefyr position himself protectively next to Mordegan.
She closed her eyes and let the combined rhythm of Radamar's breaths and the lapping waves soothe her. She reached for Iefyr's hand and said, “I destroyed things. Little things at first, just to see if Ranalae would notice. I hated her more than I've ever hated anyone else. She took me from my home and family, tortured me, covered my body in symbols I don't understand, forced me to marry her cousin because apparently I needed to have a child or else I'd completely lose my sanity.” She raised her hand to touch Radamar's face. “We weren't close then, nothing like how we are now. Radamar was always good to me and he never did anything with me without my consent. There are definitely worse Nightshadows I could have been paired with, and now I know she unintentionally matched me with the absolute best of the line.”
“I don't think–” Radamar started.
“Shut up, you're fantastic.” Benny giggled, then continued. “My skills became unpredictable after she tortured me through the Spellkeeper sequence. That mutilation was the most physically painful year of my life, but now I understand that poor Shan Sylleth went through everything I did in the span of a couple days. That is unimaginable, and it's no wonder he decided on the path of vengeance.
“Not that I didn't exact vengeance of my own. In the early days I was locked in a single section of the keep at Mountain Home. It wasn't even made up as a residence and all I had was a pallet on the floor to make myself comfortable upon. Ranalae and the other Jarrah gave me mage books and artifacts to study. I destroyed most of them and claimed it was an accident that occurred while I was practicing my spells. I think she married Radamar and I when she did in an attempt to subdue me. Radamar's own shadow-skill was that of cold control, and I admit he did temper me some because I was afraid she would hurt him if I didn't behave. I was right about that.”
“That wasn't your fault,” Radamar whispered.
“Defiance stirs in both of us, my love,” Benny whispered in return. She cleared her throat and watched Auna climb the netting to join the other two dragons on their perch. “I was subdued further once I was pregnant, and I was a good little Spellkeeper for a while. Radamar would come home covered in blood that wasn't his own and I'd ask him how he could be so kind toward me and so loving toward our daughter while tearing other families apart. He told me this was how his family was and warlock magic was the only thing he was good at. I fought with him sometimes about it, but then I realized he truly believed there was nothing wrong with what he was doing because the Nightshadow life was all he knew. He had rarely been allowed to leave Mountain Home except to teleport victims or harass Varaku, so he didn't know that most people didn't live this way. He had so little exposure to the rest of the world that he thought the Nightshadows were normal. He thought it was normal for parents to push their young children to become murderers.”
Radamar squeezed her tightly. “But then Radella was born. I held my little girl, then wondered why any parent would take someone so innocent and trusting and then hurt her and make her hurt people. I told Benny I would never allow anyone in my family to be alone with her because she deserved better. That was the first time I recognized what my own parents had done to me, what Nightshadow parents had done to their children for more generations than anyone could remember. I was eight when I executed my first disobedient Uldru, a child no older than I was. I was sixteen when I was initiated as a Jarrah. I was thirty-four when I became a father and started to understand what I had done. I'll spend the rest of my life in a state of repentance for it.”
Mordegan pressed both arms against his abdomen and laughed. “You escaped the gods-damned sarding cult you were born into, Nightshadow. You oughta be proud of that. I know my daughter's proud of you for it.”
“I am,” Benny said.
Radamar scoffed. “Don't call me Nightshadow. I changed both my name and Radella's during the wedding ceremony.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Radamar Vale. I didn't tell you that you could take my name, damn it.” Mordegan scowled, then winced through a laugh. “Stop making me laugh, kids. It hurts. Back to your story.”
Radamar shrugged. “Well, I wanted to be Sealash-Vale, but I can't take an orc clan name without recent orcan ancestry. I don't think Iefyr's kids can be named Sealash, either.”
“They can't,” Iefyr said, his brow crinkled. “You need to have at least one orcan parent to bear an orcan clan name. All of our children will be Vales.”
“Huh. I'm glad one of my kids decided to pass on my name.” Mordegan clicked his tongue against his teeth. “Better keep talking, Benny. Radamar's looking rather peaky and Berra's gonna come looking for me if she checks in and I'm not in my bunk. I'm not hard to find. Still stink of charred flesh and her nose can sniff out anything.”
Benny choked back an unexpected round of tears. “Sorry. I've got memories and emotions flying at me from everywhere tonight. Hopefully it doesn't wake up the gods-damned empath.”
“He's polite enough not to speak of it. Usually,” Iefyr said.
“You're joking, right? He rambles like he has no idea that holding his tongue is a possibility. And we're going to raise our kids with his kids, so I hope you're all ready for a future of spectacularly embarrassing nonsense spilling from Tessen Lim's mouth.” Benny pushed her hair behind her ears and sniffed. “I have no idea where I was interrupted, so I'll start with this. Ranalae left me alone for about a year after Radella was born. Then, she started showing up at random hours to ask why I wasn't pregnant again yet. I told her I wasn't in a hurry because I wanted to wait until Radella started to wean, but that was not an acceptable answer to her. She told me she was looking for a lightbinder to 'complete me', but she wanted me to have t
wo or three children before that completion process started so if something happened to one of them, I'd have extras to, according to her, 'sustain the blood link'. Apparently a Spellkeeper who goes through the entire process without a living child of their own blood to guilt them into not killing themselves loses their mind . . . and then kills themselves and everyone within a two realm radius.
“Ranalae never liked me, so it perplexed me that she was so adamant I make more of me. She called me a 'hulking, belligerent troll bitch' like it was some sort of sweet and endearing nickname I should readily accept. She told me she wanted me fully initiated as a Jarrah, so she took me underground into the hives. I'm not sure which ones. I saw several and they each had their own architectural style, but I have no idea which one was which. I saw Uldru children whipped and beaten, saw toddlers being ripped from their families and placed in traveling cages, saw what appeared to be a party centered around an Uldru roasting on a spit over a lava vent. Ranalae wanted me to focus on the Varaku, to see them as savage animals in need of taming and direction, but all I could see were slaves. Uldru and Varaku both. Two races manipulated for uncountable generations to serve the whims of the Jarrah. Varaku are . . . are frightening to look upon, but they bow to the Jarrah like the Jarrah are gods. And that's how they're taught to see them. As gods. The masks hide those sweet elven faces and reveal the brutal black hearts of the Nightshadows. One cult enslaving another, who don't believe themselves to be either slaves or a cult, and that cult has their own slaves, all serving the masked masters.
“Then I was taken to see the bones, scattered throughout the caverns and tunnels. I was told that this was where the Jarrah brought the people who wronged them to die. Ranalae told me that Jarrah justice knew no fondness, and at that very moment her own son was within a cave system beneath the Redcains. It was only a matter of time before he met the same fate as all these bones.
“I refused to cooperate, or be initiated. I knew my position as Spellkeeper offered both me and Radella some protection, so I raged at her. I threw magic into the walls and tried to collapse a cavern on top of us. She foiled that and I woke up tied to an altar stone in some sort of temple. I could see the moon so I knew I wasn't below ground anymore, and Radamar was trying to untie me while Radella slept in a carrier on his back. There were priestesses around us, dressed in silver and white and with moon masks covering their faces. We were in one of the moon goddess Zaradia's temples, somewhere high on a mountain glacier.
“Ranalae shoved Radamar aside, nearly knocking him and Radella into a pillar. She stood over me, hands on her hips, and said I would remain bound to the stone while the priestesses taught me my place in the world and why the Jarrah were essential to Bacra. She told me the Jarrah were the true rulers of Bacra, not the High King. I didn't give the priestesses the chance to speak. I threw a shield over my family and myself, then coalesced every bit of energy I could summon into a lightning burst. I crumbled that temple and everyone in it to dust. Except Ranalae, unfortunately. She'd seen the blue glow rising from me and constructed her own shadow shield.
“I didn't have anything left to fight her with. She dragged me across the snow while I screamed for Radamar, and Radamar grabbed for me and screamed at her. She told us she didn't need me anymore because she'd found a better Spellkeeper, so she was taking me somewhere and leaving me there for the rest of my life. Unless this second Spellkeeper died on her and she needed to return to me, the substandard one, the unpredictable, aggressive one.
“I don't know what happened then. I woke in a prison cell with a magic shackle on my wrist. Ranalae was there, standing by the door with that smug look on her face. She said it was my own fault that I hadn't succeeded in killing her, and that I needed to learn my part the natural order of this world. I didn't know I was pregnant yet, but I think she did because she told me that if my love died, either within me or in my arms, it was my fault and I deserved it. I wasn't sure what she meant by that for another week, when the morning sickness started. Gods damn it all . . . she knew, and she put that guilt into my head so when Berigan died I blamed myself and only myself until my broken brain figured out that was exactly what she wanted me to believe.”
Radamar kissed the back of Benny's neck. “Ranalae killed him, Benny. Not you.”
“I wanted to die. I was suicidal but I couldn't find any means of killing myself once they threw me naked into solitary confinement. That cold silence did me some good, though. That's where I figured out how she used my children to control me, and that nothing that had happened since my kidnapping had been my fault. I was still devastated. I still am now. I have all this rage built up inside me, all directed toward her. I ignore it and focus only on what's in front of me, but it's still there, slowly boiling away. I need to let it go and fully embrace this love I keep trying to convince myself that I deserve, but I don't know how. This has helped, though, just talking about it, and about Berigan. The heat at my core isn't quite as scalding right now even though the memories are refreshed. I'm not angry, I don't feel like destroying anything . . . I'm just sad. I think . . . I think I just want to go lie down and cry about the baby who never had the chance to grow up, or to meet his father.”
Radamar's hands trembled against her. “I need to feel that with you. Will you let me join you? Will you tell me more about him?”
Mordegan tottered around the edge of the crate and embraced them both. “You two go cry yourselves to sleep. You need it. Iefyr, I think this is just for them. Why don't you come escort me down to the mess for a bite? I hesitate to admit this, but I need a babysitter or I'm likely to topple right over on the way off this deck. That okay with you, Benny?”
She ran her fingers through Iefyr's hair, then planted a kiss on his lips. “I love you and I love our baby. Go make sure Dad gets downstairs okay, then come back to our cabin. You're part of the foundation we're going to rebuild ourselves upon, and frankly, I have trouble staying asleep now if you're not next to me.”
Iefyr touched her belly as he kissed Radamar. “You're extraordinary. Both of you. No more secrets to spare each other pain, okay? Agony, joy, it's ours to share now. Come on Mordegan. I think there's some salmon stew left.”
“Salmon?” Mordegan muttered, then leaned over the handrail and vomited. Iefyr had to grab the back of his shirt to keep him from falling all the way over.
“Take care of my Dad, then come back to us,” Benny said, her fingers brushing against Iefyr's lower back as she and Radamar passed him. The grief welled within her as they descended into the body of the ship. This was a healing grief, a monument to a lost life that until tonight only she remembered. Her son's memory was no longer locked away within her, kept shaded from even herself. He deserved to be remembered, and this new life within her deserved to be greeted with joy.
THE BOAT LURCHED VIOLENTLY toward the starboard side. Iefyr sat upright, knocking Benny's pillow onto the floor. He gasped and jumped off the end of the bed.
“Did we hit something?” he asked. He held his hands to the sides to balance himself as the ship righted itself.
Benny untangled the quilt from her legs. “Mom knows all the shoals and rocks on this coast. There's no way she would ram us into one.”
A low drone buzzed through the air. Heavy feet passed the closed door of the cabin, accompanied by a steady grunt of, “Sard! Sard! Sarding shit!”
Benny shoved her feet into her boots and turned toward Radamar, whose dark eyes were wide and fearful. Radella was curled up in his arms, still comfortably asleep. “Brezva's steaming crevice, that sounded like Urzal. Radamar, I need you to stay here with Radella and don't let her look outside. If that sound is what I think it is, there is nothing you can do without your magic. Iefyr, put on your shoes and come with me.”
The ship jolted again and Benny tumbled into Iefyr's arms.
Behind her, Radella screamed.
Bracing herself against Iefyr, Benny turned around and signed, «Baby, it's okay. Stay here with Daddy, okay?»
; «Scared.» Radella's sleepy eyes frantically darted between Benny and Radamar.
«It's okay. Just cuddle with me.» Radamar sat against the headboard and pulled Radella onto his lap. “Go. And come back.”
The drone became a bitonal roar.
More feet ran down the hall. Benny threw open the door and joined them.
Upright once more, Brezva's Grace settled into a vicious sway.
The door to her right opened and Kemi grabbed her arm. The slight elf's lips pinched as she tried to balance herself. She looked up at Benny and asked, “Is that what I think it is?”
“I think so,” Benny replied. She gripped Kemi's wrist and led her forward. “I hate to ask this of you, but we could use everyone magic-skilled on deck. Except Tessen. I don't think he's helpful.”
“I can fight,” Tessen protested behind her.
“You can't fight a sarding reefwalker with empathy and a sword,” Benny growled.
“Reefwalker?” Iefyr mumbled. He stepped to the side to allow three running sailors to pass.
“Listen,” Benny said, pointing upward. “Nothing else makes a sound like that. My love, I know using your skill wears you out, so I think you might need to use it then get out of the way. Tessen, go back to your cabin. Where's your dragon?”
Serida growled as she peeked around the door frame.
“Good,” Benny said with a nod. “She can't fly, so keep her in there with you.”
“Kemi...”
“Gods damn it, Tessen,” Kemi said, her jaw tensing. “Don't make me put a sleep spell on you. There are some things you can't fight with a blade. But I can fight them with magic, so let me.”
A pair of booms shook the hull. Tessen clapped his hands over his ears. “What is that?”
“Mom's got the cannons firing,” Benny replied. She narrowed her eyes at the half-dwarven child staring up at her from the crack of a cabin door. “You stay in there, Rhona Vale.” She grabbed Tessen's arm and shoved him toward her little half-sister. “I have a better use for you. Go in here and make sure my dad doesn't try to join us on deck. He's just as useless against reefwalkers as you are.”
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