by Kim Fox
“Which one?”
Julius scratched his chin. “The photographer.”
Hannibal threw his hands in the air in disgust when he remembered. “She ordered mint ice cream!”
“So?”
Hannibal jerked his head back in outrage. “Mint. It’s disgusting. It’s like eating toothpaste!” He shivered just thinking about it.
Julius shook his head as he stared at him with a blank expression. “You’re hopeless.”
Bailey lowered the second phone and turned to them. “I have a girl here from Wetwood County who seems pretty nice.”
Hannibal was already getting a headache. “Is her IQ over one forty-five?”
Bailey frowned.
“Yes!” Julius said, pointing at Bailey. “He’s going!”
Hannibal sighed.
Bailey smiled as she raised the phone back to her ear. “He would love to go.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” Hannibal said.
“Okay,” Bailey said, scribbling something on the notepad in front of her. “He’ll see you tonight at the Call of the Wild bar in Colwood. Bye.”
Bailey hung up the phone and smiled. “You, Mr. Vega, have a date tonight!”
Ava and Elena clapped and cheered while Hannibal’s headache just got stronger. He sighed. He should have been the first to get married. It would have been better that way. Like a band-aid; just rip it off.
Ava grabbed his left arm while Elena grabbed his right. They dragged him across the room while Bailey answered another call.
Elena grinned. “Let’s go find you something sexy to wear for your big date!”
Hannibal groaned. Kill me now.
two
“Your last name should be shit,” Mikki said, leaning on the bar and grinning at the bartender.
“Why?” Jack asked rolling his eyes.
“Because you don’t know Jack Shit,” she said, dropping her tray onto the sticky bar. “Aerosmith did not get their name because a guy that Steven Tyler knew named Smith liked to eat Aero bars. That’s ridiculous.”
Jack just shrugged his large round shoulders. “What do you need?”
“Beer,” she said with a chuckle. It was always beer in this bar. Beer or whiskey. Just once Mikki would like to serve a lemonade or an apple juice. “Six of them.”
Jack opened the fridge and pulled out the bottles. “It was Steven Tyler’s neighbor growing up. His name was Smith Smithson and he was always eating Aero chocolate bars.”
Mikki chuckled as she placed the open bottles on her tray. “That can’t be true.”
Jack shrugged as he tossed the bottle caps into the garbage can behind the bar. “I read it in his biography.”
“Were you high on crack when you read it?” she asked, sliding the tray off the bar and onto her hand.
“I don’t think so,” he said with a laugh.
“Well, then Steven Tyler was,” she said, turning away and shaking her head. Dude Looks Like a Lady was playing over the speakers of the Call of the Wild bar. She whistled as she walked around the tables to serve the guys playing pool in the back.
It was her second week working as a waitress in the bar and she was really liking it so far. The customers were nice and friendly. They were just down to earth people from Montana who lived off the land and enjoyed the simple things in life, like Mother Nature and beer.
“Here you go, boys,” she said, handing over the beers.
“Thank you, Mikki,” Chris said, flashing her his best smile. “You look beautiful tonight.”
“Aw shucks,” she said, batting her eyelashes, trying to squeeze an extra dollar tip out of him. “You’re going to make me blush.”
His friends started pulling out their wallets but Chris held up his hand. “I got this, fellas.” He pulled out the exact amount for the beers and dropped it on her tray. “And this is for you,” he said, holding up a crumpled one dollar bill with a proud grin on his face.
“Geez, thanks,” she said as he dropped it on her tray. “I can buy that pack of gum that I’ve been eying for a while.”
He nodded his head and winked. “You’re welcome.”
She rolled her eyes as she turned away and headed back to the bar. The bell over the front door rang and Hannibal, one of the hot Vega brothers, walked in looking sharper than usual. He had a black polo shirt on that was crisply ironed with the short sleeves showing off his hard muscular arms. A tattoo of a saying was peeking out from under the sleeve but Mikki couldn’t read it from where she was standing. He was looking away and she took the opportunity to look him up and down. His brown hair was freshly cut and combed to the side with gel. He had sexy new jeans on that hugged his nice ass, and stylish blue running shoes. Is it getting hot in here or is it just him?
“Hi, Hannibal,” she said as she walked past him. “Looking for someone?”
He was standing at the door and looking around at all of the tables.
“Hey, Mikki,” he said with a smile. “Yeah, I’m supposed to meet someone.”
“A potential date?” she asked with a grin. “Mr. Montana’s most eligible bachelor?”
He sighed. “Please don’t call me that,” he said, looking defeated. He had been quite the talk of the town during the past few weeks. The small mountain town of Colwood, Montana had been swarming with horny single women from all over the country looking to hitch their wagons to a rich, good looking man.
“The search not going so well?” she asked. “Too hard to chose from all of the beautiful women lined up outside your door?”
“Yeah,” he grunted, slipping his hands into his pockets. “Something like that.”
“I don’t think the lucky lady is here yet,” she said, looking around. There were no single ladies waiting anywhere.
“Good,” he said, waving to Jack who was behind the bar. “I need a drink first. Maybe a couple.”
She walked with him to the bar and stood beside him as he slipped onto the bar stool and said hi to Jack.
Mikki liked the Vega brothers but she always had her eye on this one. Hannibal was hot and seemed to be smarter than most of the people that she met in this bar. She liked her men brainy and muscular and Hannibal was both.
“You’re like a celebrity around here,” Jack said, cracking open a beer for him. “Can I hang out with you and get all of your reject bitches?”
“You can have them all,” Hannibal said, dropping his head. “Good luck with them.”
“Come on,” Mikki said, tilting her head and causing her black hair with the blue streaks to spread out on her shoulders. “There has to be one girl out of the many thousands who is a match.”
“Maybe,” he said, looking discouraged. “But it’s like finding a needle in a haystack.”
“Do you know what the fastest way to find a needle in a haystack is?” Jack asked, puffing out his chest.
“What?” Hannibal asked.
“Burn the haystack.”
Mikki and Hannibal glanced down at the bar and then looked at each other with confused faces.
“What the hell does that mean?” Mikki asked.
“Yeah,” Hannibal said. “What am I supposed to do with that?”
“I don’t know,” Jack said with a shrug. “It just sounds cool and I’ve always wanted to say it.”
The bell over the door rang and the three of them turned to see who it was. “Please, no…” Hannibal muttered while Mikki and Jack tried to hold in their laughter.
A really ugly woman with large shoulders and what looked like a bleach blond wig walked in, wobbling on her high heels. She had a large polka dot dress with two uneven sized breasts. “Hannibal?” she called out in a deep voice.
“Over here,” Jack said, holding his hand over Hannibal’s head and pointing down at him.
“Jack, no,” he hissed under his breath but it was too late. The woman smiled and started walking over, holding her arms out as she wobbled across the floor of the bar, looking like she was about to snap an ankle.
Mik
ki held in a chuckle. There was something off about her but she couldn’t quite tell what it was.
“Hello,” the woman said, holding out her hand to her date. Mikki bit her bottom lip as she glanced down at the woman’s thick hairy knuckles.
Hannibal reluctantly shook her hand and grimaced. “Strong grip you have.”
“Thank you,” the woman said in her deep voice. “Let’s go sit down and get comfortable.”
Hannibal gave Mikki a look as he grabbed his beer off the bar and followed his date to the empty table.
“I have to see this,” she whispered to Jack. She grabbed a rag, walked over to the empty table next to them and wiped it while listening in on their conversation.
“What was your name again?” Hannibal asked, sounding completely disinterested.
“Amanda,” she said, leaning forward.
Mikki jerked her head back when she caught a glimpse of Amanda’s chest. It was covered in thick black hair. She narrowed her eyes and looked at her more closely. She had the beginnings of a five o’clock shadow and her wig was on crooked, showing off short brown hair over her right ear.
“Amanda, right?” Hannibal said. “Is that because you’re a man, duh?”
She chuckled with a deep throaty laugh. “Don’t be silly you,” she said, waving him away.
Hannibal leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms as he stared at her. “You’re a dude.”
“You’re funny,” Amanda said, lifting her broad shoulders up and giggling. “So, the article said that you had a family fortune. How much are we talking here? Seven figures? Eight figures? Nine?”
Hannibal just ignored her or him or it. “You have an Adam’s apple,” he said, pointing to her neck.
Mikki giggled as she wiped the table for the eighteenth time.
“No,” Amanda said, adjusting her balls as she crossed her hairy legs. “That’s a piece of fried chicken that’s been stuck in my throat for a few days.”
Hannibal just stared at her. “Yeah, that makes sense. And your wig is on crooked.”
Mikki snorted out a laugh and Hannibal turned towards her with a grin on his face. “Hey waitress,” he said in a monotone voice. “I think the table is clean. You can move on now.”
She giggled as she shook her head. “No, I missed a spot.”
He winked at her as he turned back to his date who was turning the wig over helplessly. “I’m going to go to the bathroom and fix this,” she/he said. “Don’t you dare go anywhere.”
Mikki giggled as Amanda stood up and wobbled on her high heels to the bathroom. She walked straight into the men’s bathroom and then walked out a second later. “Oops,” she said, touching her index finger to her lips. “How embarrassing.”
Hannibal just shook his head as she held open the door of the woman’s bathroom. She turned back to Hannibal and blew him a kiss as she went inside.
“Ew,” Hannibal said, picking up the menu and hitting away the incoming kiss like he was batting away a tennis ball.
Mikki burst out laughing. “She’s really pretty,” she teased.
Hannibal dropped his head onto the table with a thud. “I hate my life. So much.”
“You?” she asked, slipping into Amanda’s seat. She glanced into Amanda’s open purse on the chair and saw about forty tampons stuffed inside. Is that what this guy thinks is in a woman’s purse?
“You’re Montana’s most eligible bachelor,” she said with a smirk. “You should be living it up!”
Hannibal took a long swig of his beer. “At this point, I don’t even want the ranch anymore. It’s full of crazies, including my brothers and their annoying wives.”
Mikki felt bad for him. She had never seen him so depressed. “You need a pretend marriage to get everyone to back off of you.”
His face dropped as he looked up at her with wide eyes and parted lips. “That’s genius,” he said. “Normally I’m the one who comes up with the genius ideas.”
Mikki shrugged. “You just have to find a girl to go along with it. Pretend you’re married and everyone will just go away and leave you alone.”
Hannibal was just staring right at her.
“Do you know someone who would be up for that?” she asked.
His stare turned into a grin and Mikki’s stomach fluttered. “No,” she said, shaking her head.
Hannibal nodded, never taking his eyes off of her.
“I can’t get married,” she said, leaning back in the chair.
“It’s just for pretend,” he said, leaning forward. “Like you said. I can pay you.”
Mikki held her breath. “I don’t need your money.”
“I can pay you a lot,” Hannibal said, raising his eyebrows.
Amanda burst out of the woman’s washroom with a long string of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of her shoe. “The shitter is clogged,” he/she said, pointing to the door. “It wasn’t me.”
Jack overheard from behind the bar and walked out with the toilet plunger. “I’m in charge of behind the bar, you’re in charge of in front of it.” He thrust out the plunger in front of Mikki’s face and she cringed as she stared at the dried shit encrusted all over it.
Mikki curled up her nose in disgust as she turned back to Hannibal. “How much money?”
three
“An easy ten grand,” Hannibal said, looking across the table at the pretty waitress. She drove a hard bargain. He had to unclog the toilet in the woman’s bathroom before she would even agree to speak with him about it.
Amanda had given up the charade when one of her coconut breasts had fallen out of her dress and rolled across the floor of the bar. It turned out that her name was actually Ron and he was a truck driver from Ohio. He seemed to be a nice guy but he just wasn’t Hannibal’s type, you know, with the whole having a cock and balls thing ruining it for him.
“Twenty grand,” Mikki said, flicking her gorgeous black hair with the blue streaks over her shoulder. “And I want a ring. A big one.”
Hannibal sighed. “Fine. Twenty grand and a ring.” She didn’t mention what kind. He was going to steal Julius’ decoder ring that he got by saving up six months worth of cereal boxes.
“With diamonds on it,” she added.
Damn. This chick drove a hard bargain.
“Fine,” he said, sticking out his hand to seal the deal. “Shake on it?”
Mikki smiled wide as she jumped up and slapped her hand into his. “Deal,” she said, shaking it.
“Great,” he said, feeling like a tremendous weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He could tell all of the crazy women to get lost and he didn’t have to hear his brothers and their mates in his ear anymore. This was going to be amazing!
“You’re my fiancee now,” he said.
“Great,” she said, standing up and unclipping her apron. “Can you do me a favor baby cakes? I have a terrible headache. Can you finish up my shift for me?”
“Huh?” he asked as she dropped her apron on the table in front of him.
“Thank you schnookums,” she said, patting his shoulder as she walked past him.
“Wait,” he said, turning as she headed for the door. “What?”
“Fiancees do nice things for each other,” she said with a twist of her curvy hips. “I knew you’d understand. Bye, Jack,” she said, waving to the bartender. “My new hubby is going to finish up.”
“Wait a minute,” Hannibal called out as she opened the door. “When am I going to see you again?”
“I’ll come to your place for breakfast tomorrow,” she said with a grin. “We can announce the good news to your family then.”
Hannibal dropped his head. What did I get myself into?
“Oh, and schmoopy pie,” she said, ready to bolt out the door. “Blueberry pancakes for breakfast.” She blew him a kiss and skipped out the door.
“What just happened?” he asked, staring at the table. He had been outsmarted by his new business partner/fake fiancee.
“Hey, Hannibal,” Jack call
ed out from behind the bar.
He looked up in shock.
“Put that apron on,” he said with a frown. “Table seven is thirsty.”
Hannibal shook his head.
This is why I didn’t want to get married in the first place.
Mikki slapped the steering wheel of her car like a drummer performing a solo as she sang at the top of her lungs to Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal.
“Woooo!” she screamed out the open window to a cow who was chewing grass while staring at her in the open field. “Twenty fucking grand!”
She flew down the highway gripping her steering wheel and smiling up at the mountains. I’m going to buy new clothes and a new TV and those pumps that I’ve had my eyes on. This was going to be great. Hannibal was a nice guy and they would make a striking couple. She would get a nice diamond ring in the deal and all she had to do was look pretty on his arm, kiss his cheek, and laugh at his jokes. It might even be fun.
She just had to remember what the deal was. She couldn’t get her feelings involved but that shouldn’t be a problem. Hannibal was cute but she could be a professional. She wouldn’t even go there.
Her phone buzzed on the seat beside her and Mikki turned down the radio and picked it up. “Come on, man,” she groaned as she saw who was calling. He always brought down her mood when he called. And he had been calling a lot lately.
She took a deep breath and answered. “Hello, Dad,” she said, rolling her eyes. “What can I do for you?”
“Hello, Michelle,” he said in a tight, nervous voice. “I’m going to be in town on business and I was wondering if I could come see you.” She could picture him sitting in his big empty house with a large glass of scotch in front of him, clinking the ice cubes as he talked to her.
“I’m a little busy with a work thing,” she said, biting her bottom lip. “Maybe next time that you’re in town.”
“This is the next time,” he said. “You told me the same line last month.”
Then maybe you should take the hint.
“Sorry, Dad,” she said, feeling a headache coming on. “It’s not a good time.”