Out Of The Deep I Cry

by Julia Spencer-Fleming

  “Karen?”

  “Yes?”

  “Will the squeaky toy be there?”

  Karen laughed. “Of course. Wherever Cody is, there also is Squeaky the Squirrel.”

  Clare replaced the phone on the hook. She was going to spend her lunch hour trapped in a house with three kids, a lawyer, and the most obnoxious baby toy ever created. Instead of sharing chili and conversation with Russ. And when did lunch with Russ Van Alstyne become the highlight of your week, missy? Her grandmother Fergusson would most definitely disapprove.

  The phone rang. Clare eyed it. She didn’t get this many calls in her office.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Father.”

  “Mr. Hadley.” Glenn Hadley, St. Alban’s sexton, was the only person on the planet who called her Father. Not Father Fergusson, just Father. He never referred to her predecessor by his last name, either. He was simply “the late Father” or “the last Father.” She figured Mr. Hadley had totally embraced the concept of “It’s the office, not the officeholder.”

  “I’m afraid I’ve got some more bad news.”

  “Now what?” The boiler leaped to mind, followed by the furnace, the pipes, a chimney fire, and mice infesting the undercroft.

  “You know the spot where the water’s been leaking out of the aisle ceiling?”

  “Yeah…”

  “It looks as if it’s froze up solid. There’s an ice dam up there must be three inches thick. It’s forcing the ceiling boards out of joint.”

  Clare closed her eyes.

  “Father? You there?”

  “Yes,” she said. “I don’t know, what’s the best thing to do about it?”

  “Ain’t nothing we can do about the hole right now. I’ll make sure there’s a big bucket underneath it. Soon as it gets warm enough to melt up on top of the roof, it’s gonna come gushing through. If we don’t get it fixed up before it starts heating up and the rains come, it’ll be like a shower over there.”

  “Anything else you can suggest?”

  “Well, I could try to unbolt the other two pews from the floor and drag ’em out of the way.”

  “That’s a great idea,” she said, trying to force some enthusiasm into her voice. “I’ll let the vestry and the roofing company know about this latest development. Thanks for getting on it so quickly.”

  “You want me to get on the roof, see if I can fix a tarp up there?”

  “No! That is, let’s see what the roofing guy says before we start messing around with anything.”

  There was a long pause. “Okay.” Another pause. To give her time to change her mind. “Talk to you later.”

  He hung up. She sighed. Now she had to think of a way to ease his hurt feelings over not being allowed to clamber all over the ice-covered roof.

  She replaced the receiver and considered the tall green thermos of coffee sitting on the pine kitchen table. She always brewed more than she could drink in the morning and carried the rest with her to the office, since Lois evidently put used industrial waste in the church’s Mr. Coffee. She could really, really use another cup right now.

  The phone rang. She pulled a teaspoon and a FORT RUCKER-HOME OF ARMY AVIATION mug from the dish drainer and unscrewed the thermos top. The phone rang. She poured the coffee in, breathing in the steam and smell of it. She reached for her oversized sugar bowl and began spooning in sugar. The phone rang. She stirred her sugar into the hot coffee, first clockwise, then counterclockwise. The phone rang. She picked it up.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, I’m glad I caught you. Your secretary said you were still at home, but I thought I must have missed you.”

  “Russ.” She smiled into her coffee. “What’s up?”

  “I have to cancel out on lunch.”

  She felt a ridiculous dip in her stomach. “What’s happened? Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. Lyle MacAuley and Noble Entwhistle have both called in sick. Lyle’s illness might be the dreaded ‘last-chance-to-snowmobile fever,’ but Noble never bags work unless he’s on death’s door. I’m going to have to spend all day in the car. I’m calling from there right now. I’m afraid my lunch’ll have to be a heart attack in a sack.”

  “Ah. It’s just as well. I just made a date to sit in with Karen Burns and Debba Clow while they go over Debba’s custody case.”

  “You know that woman is a fruitcake, don’t you?”

  She grinned. “Now, Russ, I know you don’t like lawyers…”

  “I use words other than fruitcake to describe the Burnses. Seriously, try not to get too sucked into Deborah Clow’s problems. I’ve dealt with her before.”

  “You mean because of her protesting at the clinic?”

  “That’s been an issue. But not what I was thinking of. I used to come out to her place when she and her husband were first married. They got rowdy with each other all the time.”

  “My God. She was an abused wife?”

  She could hear him sigh over the phone. “It’s not always as clear-cut as that. They both used to go at each other. I’d come out there, she’d have a purpling eye and he’d have a busted lip and his forehead cut open. And then neither one of them would press charges. Nowadays, I’d run ’em both in, but this was before we had a mandatory-charge law. So I’d warn them both and hand them the counseling brochure and leave ’em until next time. Things quieted down when they had their first kid. Or maybe they just fought quieter.” He sighed again. “She says she’s an artist. I don’t know if she’s any good, but she sure has the artist’s temperament. Wacky.”

  “Thanks for tipping me off.”

  He groaned. “I shouldn’t have told you that, should I? It’s like showing a dog raw meat. You’ll take her under your wing, give her anger-management counseling, get up a committee to send her to art school, and do her picketing for her while she’s in class.” She laughed. He went on, his voice more serious. “Just try to cool it a bit and get a sense of what’s going on before you leap into someone else’s life, okay?”

  “Okay,” she said.

  “Okay, then.” There was a pause. “I suppose I ought to go.”

  She sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and propped her chin in her hand. “I suppose so.”

  “You gonna be okay with that idiot car of yours? Your secretary said it wouldn’t start.”

  “I’ve got AAA. They’ll be here. Eventually.”

  He snorted. “If you had a decent late-model four-wheel drive instead of a thirty-something-year-old sports car that weighs about as much as one of my snow tires-”

  “Yeah, but if I got one, you’d just have to find something else to complain about.”

  He laughed. She stirred her coffee slowly. The silence stretched out.

  “Well, if they don’t show, give the station a call and I’ll drive over and jump you.” There was a sort of strangled non-noise. “Jump your car. Jump-start it. The cruisers have incredible batteries.”

  She started laughing. “Is that a Freudian slip, or are you just happy to see me?”

  “Oh, Christ. Okay, now that I’ve made a complete ass of myself, I will get rolling.”

  She smiled.

  “You’re grinning at me, aren’t you? I can tell.”

  She laughed. “Go on. Go keep the streets safe from the breakdown of traditional values.” She smiled again, and wondered if he could hear this one, too. “And keep yourself safe, too.”

  “Always.” There was a pause, as if he were going to say something more, but then he said, “Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  She let the receiver slip out of her hand and dangle by its cord. Finally she stood to rehang it. There was a beep from her drive. She opened the kitchen door to see the AAA road-service truck. A skinny young guy bulked up like the Michelin tire man in insulated overalls climbed out of the cab.

  “You called, lady?”

  “You’re here sooner than I expected,” she said. Her voice carried through the bitter air.

  “Yeah, well,
the office tried to call you, but your line was busy.”

  Allan Rouse, as it happened, lived several blocks down on the same street as Geoff and Karen Burns, in a brick Italianate not much different from theirs. Elm Street had been laid out for lawyers and doctors, mill owners and land speculators, from a time when those worthies had families of a half dozen children, and servants slept in low-eaved fourth-story bedrooms. The land speculators developed vacation condominiums instead of railroads now, and the mill owners had been replaced by two-career couples who commuted down to Albany, but the serenity of place and position remained. Clare was frequently exasperated by people who lived cocooned from the harshness of life in their various Elm Streets, but as she parked her Shelby and walked to the Rouse’s front door, she couldn’t help but admire the beauty of a neighborhood where every window gleamed, every historically accurate piece of door hardware shone, and the potholes were always filled in immediately.

  The door opened. “Hello. You must be Reverend Fergusson.” The woman welcoming Clare was somewhere around sixty and holding, her body running to plumpness but not there yet, her hair still a determined glossy brown. “I’m Renee Rouse.”

  Clare shook her hand and let the doctor’s wife take her coat. “I was admiring your house,” she said. “It’s lovely.”

  “Thanks,” Mrs. Rouse said, opening a hall closet and hanging Clare’s coat inside. “It’s far too big for us now the children are grown, but we love it too much to leave. And the location is great. In nice weather, Allan likes to bike to work.”

  He wasn’t biking anywhere today. In fact, when Clare caught sight of him after being ushered into the parlor, she wondered if he was ever biking anywhere again. He was sitting in a well-worn recliner that looked as if it had been his favorite chair for the past three decades. His whole body was clenched, furling in on itself, like that of an animal trying to enfold its soft underbelly within its tough outer hide.

  Mrs. Marshall was perched on the edge of a sofa, leaning forward slightly. She glanced up when Renee Rouse led Clare into the living room, her relief and discomfort plain on her face.

  “Oh, here you are, here’s Clare now, Allan.” Mrs. Marshall’s tone was the same one used by relatives at the bedside of a dying person-a kind of forced obliviousness to the graying reality beside them.

  Mrs. Rouse crossed the plush carpet and knelt down by her husband’s side. “Sweetie?” she said. “Can I get you anything? How about some homemade hot chocolate? You know you love hot chocolate.”

  Dr. Rouse closed his eyes for a moment. “Sure,” he said. “That’ll be fine.” He opened his eyes again. “Reverend Fergusson. Of course. You were the one who leaped in front of that Clow woman.”

  There was a pause. Clare stood fixed to the carpet, wondering how she should respond. His greeting was hardly enthusiastic. She settled on a “Pleased to meet you,” and a wave.

  “So, Clare,” Mrs. Marshall said, in a voice as bright as her fuchsia lipstick, “I’ve been telling Allan about the terrible situation with the roof, and how I’m going to be using the trust principal to help out the church.”

  Clare looked for a seat that would require the least amount of movement from here to there. She picked a striped barrel chair kitty-corner to the sofa and balanced herself on its edge. If you’re feeling twitchy about a situation, “Hardball” Wright said, it’s because it’s a bad situation to be in. Unfortunately, she couldn’t just flop to her belly and elbow-crawl to the door, as her former survival school instructor would probably have advised. She had asked to be here. Furthermore, she was, if not directly culpable, at least one of the people responsible for Dr. Rouse’s ravaged expression.

  They sat in a silence more full than speech. Mrs. Marshall glanced at Clare, then at Dr. Rouse. “Allan, since Reverend Fergusson is here, are there any questions you’d like to ask her?”

  His eyes peered at her from a long way away. “Yes, I would,” he said, his voice rough and creaky. “I’d like to know how a priest gets to value bricks and mortar over human lives.”

  “Oh, now, Allan, let’s not be melodramatic,” Mrs. Marshall said. “The ten thousand the clinic gets from the Ketchem Trust isn’t going to mean the difference between life and death. And I promise you, I’ll do everything I can to make sure the board of aldermen increases the town’s funding to the clinic to compensate.”

  Clare thought Mrs. Marshall’s persuasiveness as an advocate for the clinic would take a hit, given the fact that she had withdrawn her own support. But she kept her mouth shut.

  Mrs. Rouse returned with a tray bearing three brown-glazed mugs, the tall, slope-sided style unique to university gift shops and German beer halls. “I made some for everyone,” she said brightly. She gingerly set a mug on the table next to her husband’s chair, patted his shoulder several times, and then deposited the tray on the coffee table, within easy reach of her guests. “Honestly, Lacey, I don’t think we’re going to have to worry about replacing your contribution.” Renee Rouse dropped into a comfortable velveteen chair that sat kitty-corner to her husband’s. Books, magazines, and word-search puzzles were stacked on a broad stool at its side, and Clare could picture the Rouses, on long winter evenings, sharing the space together, reading. The Journal of the American Medical Association on his lap and the Ladies’ Home Journal on hers.

  “The last two times there were changes in one of the revenue sources for the clinic, the town adjusted their share to compensate,” Mrs. Rouse went on. “As I recall, when that grant from the state ran out, they didn’t even wait for a regular session. They passed an amended budget at a special town meeting.”

  Clare could feel the stone of guilt rolling away. “Really? That’s good to know.”

  “If they do it again,” Dr. Rouse said. “If.” He lurched forward, his hands tightening on the arms of the recliner. “These are hard times! The board has been making noises about cutting down library hours and firing the high school art teacher to save money. Do you honestly think they’ll just hand it over to me and say, ‘Oh, here’s your ten thousand, Allan, and thanks so much for asking’?”

  Mrs. Rouse recoiled.

  The high color in Allan Rouse’s cheeks drained away. He shook his head. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. That was uncalled for.” He scooted to the edge of his chair and reached out a hand to her. “Please forgive me.”

  Renee Rouse took his hand, squeezed it in hers. She nodded. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m just…”

  She nodded again, then stitched a smile on her drawn face. “Why don’t you have some of that hot chocolate, lovey.” She stood. “I’m going to tidy up in the kitchen.”

  Dr. Rouse took his mug off the table and sank back in on himself, as if his reserves of indignation had been spent. Did all that relentless consideration for your spouse help or hurt? Clare had really only seen one marriage up close and personal-her parents’-but she couldn’t recall her dad apologizing over a snapped remark like Dr. Rouse’s. Of course, she also couldn’t envision her mother bringing Dad hot cocoa on a tray or working to smooth his ruffled feathers.

  Clare took her drink off the coffee table with a murmur of thanks. Mrs. Rouse gave her husband another look-checking his emotional temperature-and whisked out of the room. Mug in hand, Clare read COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS in Gothic gold lettering. “Did you attend Columbia?” she asked, trying for some semblance of conversation.

  Dr. Rouse gestured toward Mrs. Marshall with his mug. “Her mother sent me. Paid my way through medical school and my residency. That’s how I wound up at the clinic, you know.” He sat up straighter, speaking directly to Mrs. Marshall. “It’s not as if it was my dream to sink my life into that two-bit practice, you know. I was going to do my time and get the hell out.”

  Mrs. Marshall sat stiffly, knees together, and sipped her cocoa. Clare waited for her to respond to Dr. Rouse. When she didn’t, Clare ventured, “Why did you stay on?”

  “Mrs. Ketchem died right around the tim
e my obligation was up. I had agreed to head up the clinic for as many years as she supported my medical training, you see. Seven years. But when it was time for me to go, I could see there wasn’t anyone competent willing to take on such a thankless, underpaid job. And by that time, I had become sort of-infected by Mrs. Ketchem’s passion for the clinic.”

  “And you had a life here,” Mrs. Marshall said, “and Renee didn’t want to move away from her family…”

  He shot a fierce look at Mrs. Marshall. “That’s true. But mostly, it was the clinic. You have no idea what that place meant to your mother. None at all. If I told you-” He cut himself off.

  Clare thought it sounded a bit theatrical. Evidently, Mrs. Marshall did, too. “Allan,” she said, her voice gentle, “I’m sure you have insights into my mother that are different from my own. But I’m the person she left as trustee, and I can only act according to my judgment about her wishes.” She put her mug down on the coffee table. “I think our presence here is just causing you more distress right now. Why don’t we leave and give you a chance to absorb what we’ve talked about. You have my number, and if you want to speak further after you’ve… adjusted to the news, please give me a call.”

  She stood, and Clare hastily followed suit. Mrs. Rouse met them at the door as they retrieved their coats from the hall closet. “Leaving so soon?” she asked.

  Mrs. Marshall laid her hand on the woman’s arm. “Renee, I’m sorry to have had to bring bad news. Please let me know that he’s doing okay.”

  For a moment, Mrs. Rouse’s chirpy facade fell away, and she looked older, tired, scared. “He’s just so unpredictable lately,” she whispered. “Sometimes he’ll sit for hours in that old chair, not reading, not watching television. Just sitting. Then other times he’ll come home ranting and raving and ready to take on the world. I wish I knew how to help him.”

  “Have you thought about taking him to a psychiatrist?” Clare said. “Maybe he’s depressed.”

  “He can’t be!” Mrs. Rouse’s expression went flat. “He’s the most stable person I know.” She reattached the cheery look on her face. “He probably just needs a break. We’re going away this Friday to a medical conference in Phoenix. We’ve planned to take a few extra days afterward, to lie by the pool and order room service.”