Lean On Me (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  “Sure I will,” I said, leaving it at that. If Rachel didn’t want me to know I shouldn’t pry any further. In all honesty though, I did feel kind of… I don’t know, hurt I guess, that she didn’t tell me herself. I thought we were friends. Good friends.

  Once Rachel had finally hurried her arse downstairs we headed straight outside to my car. I could see her weighing it up with her eyes when I opened the door to help her inside.

  “It’s bigger on the inside,” I assured her – knowing she was pondering how her chair was going to fit inside. “Like the tardis.”

  It was only in that moment I realised I’d never driven Rachel anywhere before. My hands stuttered as they reached out towards her. Would she need help? Would I be fussing if I offered to help? But then, would I look like a selfish prick if I didn’t?

  “Stop looking at me like that, twatasaurus. I’ve got this.” I didn’t know I was looking at her like anything so I found it hard to stop. Therefore I started looking at the magpie that’d just landed on her parents’ front lawn instead. “But you’ll need to put that in the back for me,” she added after hitching herself inside my car, nodding towards her chair.

  She gave me a quick lesson in how to collapse the damn thing (believe me those babies are more complicated than they look to put down) then I ran through every swear word ever invented while trying to fit it in the back of my car.

  “Whoa whoa whoa….” I said when I joined Rachel inside, interrupting her just as she was about to bring a lighter up to the cigarette sticking out from her lips. “You can’t smoke in here.”

  “You’re fucking with me right? It’s been over twenty-four hours. I can’t smoke anywhere near my mum without a lecture on lung cancer.” Despite giving out a frustrated huff, she proceeded to slip the cigarette back in its packet.

  “Ugh,” I groaned, not being able to stand the sad look on her face for some incomprehensible reason. “Just make sure you blow it out the window,” I relented.

  I silently apologised to my car in my head and hoped I wouldn’t be smelling stale tobacco for weeks to come. But then Rachel hunched her shoulders and flashed me a great beaming smile and for some odd reason, I didn’t seem to care anymore. This odd feeling has been coming over me a lot lately. I’ve considered the fact that maybe I’m developing a bit of thing for her but surely if I fancied her, I would’ve felt that way from the beginning, right?

  “Guess you’re not a complete dickhead after all.” Her lips wobbled as she spoke, betraying the fact she was trying not to laugh. Shaking my head at her, I brought the engine to life with a purr.

  “So, saffy… where do you want to go?”

  Chapter Two

  Rachel

  “Your mum’s going to kill me,” Jared said with a goofy grin that told me he didn’t really care. “You’re about two drinks away from being wasted.”

  “It’s Christmas,” I shrugged.

  Shock-horror-gasp… we ended up in a pub. I say ‘ended up’ - it was in fact the first place we went. Jared was right about my mum. Well, she wouldn’t kill him, I doubted she’d even be mad… but she would most definitely be worried. She fusses a lot – she always has. I know it’s because she loves me, which is why I just accept it. But sometimes it can become a little suffocating. Like today. That’s why I needed to escape for a couple of hours… or eight as it had been so far.

  “You should stop drinking for a while. We’ll grab a bite to eat,” Jared suggested. That’s why we make such good friends – stop drinking ‘for a while’. “And you should check in with your mum.”

  “Good plan. I’ll nip to the bathroom and call her when I get back.”

  “You need any help?” I assumed he was joking until I looked up and saw his genuine expression. It was just too good an opportunity to pass up…

  “Actually…” I began, with the straightest face I could summon. “The cubicles in these places can be really small and I struggle to get where I need to be. So, if you could hold me over the seat while I take a wazz, that’d be great.”

  “Oh…um…sure.” The blood drained from Jared’s face as he began to stand up.

  “I’m pulling your pisser, Jared.” Somehow I managed to laugh, shake my head and roll my eyes all the same time. I still can’t believe he fell for it! “That’s what they have disabled toilets for, dickcheese.” The colour returned to his cheeks faster than it left.

  “Well how the hell am I supposed to know? I was only trying to be nice,” he pouted, seeming embarrassed. I have to admit I felt kind of bad. I’d never seen that look on his face before. This is just what we do – take the piss out of each other. Usually, he’s just as quick to fire something even more insulting back.

  “Sorry, Jaz,” I said genuinely.

  “Jaz?”

  “If you can make up nicknames then so can I.” Jared smiled crookedly but there was still a slight unease between us that I’d never experienced before. “I came out to get away from my mum’s fussing for a while, that’s all. I might have to do things differently, but I can do everything anyone else can.”

  “Bollocks. You couldn’t beat me in a race now could you?” Finally… we were back to normal.

  “I bet you twenty-quid that I could,” I said determinedly – already conjuring up my master plan. He raised a disbelieving eyebrow at me. “How about when we leave here, I race you to the lamppost outside the off-licence?”

  “Saffy, I’m not going to race you. You’re talking shit.”

  “Scared, pussy-boy?”

  “Fine. Whatever. But I’m not taking your money from you.”

  “How gallant of you! But I’m sure as fuck gonna take yours.”

  Thankfully the disabled toilet was empty so I was in and out fairly quickly. When I returned to Jared I called my mum and told her where we were, that we were safe and that we’d be home in a couple of hours. Surprisingly she didn’t fuss too much and I suspected it was because she knew Jared was driving, therefore not drinking. I’m not sure why but I like that she likes him… that she trusts him to look out for me.

  Guess I do, too.

  “You ready, pretty boy?” I asked confidently, slipping my handbag strap over my shoulder. I love teasing Jared about how ‘pretty’ he is – mainly because I know how much it annoys him. He’s got that shaggy sandy-blonde surfer-hair going on, he’s toned but lean and has the brightest pair of green eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. Truth is, he’s pretty hot… But don’t you dare ever tell him I said that.

  Jared’s face remained screwed-up in confusion as we made our way outside. Getting into position by the lamppost outside the pub, I reaffirmed our finishing line next to the off-license. It was only three lampposts away. I totally had this.

  “On the count of three,” I said, flexing my fingers above my wheels. Jared was still shaking his head with a bemused smile. He’d been doing it that long I started to think the spring in his neck had broken. “One…” I clamped my fingers around the hand-rims. “Two…” Then I turned the angle of my wheels slightly so they were facing the direction I needed to be. “Three…” Before Jared had taken his first foot off the ground, I purposely ran over it, causing him to double over on himself while swearing…a lot. Then, spinning around, I propelled myself towards my goal.

  As planned, I reached the finish line first. After raising my arms above my head and hollering something that sounded like ‘wahoooo!’, I turned to see Jared limping sorrowfully towards me.

  “What the fuck was that?” he complained, shaking out his tender foot.

  “Well, I told you I have to do things a little differently to most people.” I was trying so hard to be serious but I couldn’t help the smile spreading across my lips, even though I tried to bite it away.

  “There’s different and then there’s cheating. I think you’ve broken my foot!”

  “Oh stop being such a pussy. I weigh barely anything.” Jared continued to whine and even went to the lengths of removing his shoe and his sock in the middle of the
freezing-cold December street, so he could look for marks that weren’t there. “How about I buy us chippy to make up for it?”

  “It’s a start.”

  “Great. Now, hand me over that twenty-quid you owe me and I’ll get right on it. Fish or pie?”

  “You’re un-fucking-believable,” he groaned with a twisted smile. “Fish,” he added, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.

  There’s a small park nearby and we headed there with our fish and chips and sat down on a cold, damp bench to eat them. Well, Jared sat down – I stayed where I was and made a point of reminding him how warm and dry my arse was compared to his.

  “Any news from Dex and Em?” Jared asked while trying to steal one of my chips.

  “Oi, cheesedick! You shouldn’t have gotten gravy if you wanted curry sauce,” I said through a mouthful of grease-soaked fish while batting his hand away. “And no – not since yesterday.”

  “Do we know what his mum died of yet? Still can’t believe he never even mentioned his parents.” I nodded in agreement. The whole situation was a little weird and a whole lot of fucked up.

  “Pneumonia. But she had something wrong with her already that made her more susceptible to like, dying and shit.”

  “Dying and shit? Is that the technical term?” Jared mocked, laughing as he shook his head.

  “Hey, I’ll let you know when I’ve finished that imaginary degree in medicine,” I threw back.

  When we’d finished we made our way back to the pub where I fully intended to carry on drinking. That was until I got there and suddenly I just wasn’t in the mood anymore.

  “We should head home,” I suggested. “I’ve had a really great day.” And I really had. Part of me suspected that’s why I didn’t want to drink any more… because I didn’t want to ruin or forget the fun we’d had.

  “What saffy wants, saffy shall get,” Jared replied, winking as he opened his car door for me. ARGH! What the fuck is the deal with him calling me bloody saffy? There and then, I decided that next time we go out, we will take a taxi. If Jared doesn’t need to drive he will drink, and a drunk Jared never knows when the hell to shut up.

  I brought myself in line with the passenger seat of Jared’s BMW, pulled up my brake to steady the chair, and hoisted myself inside with one fist on the seat and the other hand grabbing onto the handle above the window.

  “Holy shit, Rach…” My eyes shot to Jared and I stared at him in confusion… until I saw his gaze resting on my waist where my shirt had hitched up.

  “It’s nothing,” I dismissed, tugging my shirt back down.

  “Like fuck it’s nothing. Your mum said you fell but… Jesus, I didn’t know it was that bad.”

  “Well she shouldn’t have. Like I said, it’s nothing.” I should’ve known my mum would rat me out. Always fussing as usual. I slipped last night when I was transferring myself from the electric bath seat to my wheelchair. I lay there shivering on the cold floor, the pain in my side throbbing too badly to gather enough strength to pull myself up, for almost half an hour before I plucked up enough courage to call for my mum. I’ve always felt this need to prove to her that I can be independent… that I’m no different to anyone else, and when things like that happen, I feel like I’ve failed.

  Sometimes it’s hard to accept that, as much as I don’t want to be, I am different.

  Jared collapsed my chair in one go and wedged it behind the front seats in the back of his car. Then he made his way to the driver’s side and climbed in beside me.

  “You can tell me stuff like that you know. You don’t need to feel embarrassed. Not with me.” I glanced up at Jared and then looked away again just as quickly. He was staring at me with an expression of concern and my breath caught briefly. Jared and I don’t do serious, and it both unnerved and comforted me at the same time. I didn’t reply because I didn’t know how. So instead, I stayed quiet and rested my head against the window while he drove us home, suddenly feeling completely sober.

  When we got home Dad was watching a re-run of Only Fools and Horses that he must’ve seen a gazillion and three times before, and Mum went straight to the kitchen to make drinks for everyone. She joined us a few minutes later carrying the silver tray she only brings out at Christmas and proceeded to hand Dad his cup of tea, me my glass of cranberry juice, and Jared his lager.

  “Thanks, sugar,” Jared said, taking the bottle from her hand. Damn him and his ‘sugar’. He calls every member of the female species that… expect me. For some reason which I’m determined to find out eventually, I’m stuck with bleeding ‘saffy’. “I love this episode,” he added, nodding towards the TV. Comments like that always reminded me of our almost ten year age difference.

  “You want me to fetch your slippers, old man?” I teased.

  “Oh come on! The Batman and Robin episode is a classic!”

  “I’ll take your word for it.”

  Dad and Jared were wholly engrossed in the TV so when Mum headed into the kitchen to potter, I followed her. When I reached the hallway I heard an explosion of laughter coming from the living room followed by muffled voices and then more laughing. I smiled as I entered the kitchen. I guess you could say Dad and Jared were the two most important men in my life and it was nice hearing them get along.

  “You like that boy,” my mum said, never taking her attention away from the worktop which she was wiping down. I eyed her up suspiciously even though she couldn’t see me. I sensed more to her statement than I think I wanted to.

  “Um… sure I do. He’s kind of filling the best friend spot while Em’s away.”

  “It’s more than that. You like him like him.”

  WHAT?

  “Um… no, Mum. I’m pretty sure I’d know if I fancied him. He’s… well he’s… Jared.” You want to know a little secret? Well… I kind of do fancy Jared. The reason I know that is because sometimes I think back to when he dated Emily and I find myself feeling relieved that they never slept together. Seriously, I just don’t think I could stomach knowing if he’d dipped his bits in Emily’s pieces.

  Not that it really matters. It can’t go anywhere – he’s too much of a great friend, and once you’ve slept and broken up with someone… you can’t ever be friends again. Not really. It’s kind of an unwritten law.

  “Hmm. We’ll see.” Oooo I hate it when she does that.

  “Oooo I hate it when you do that!”

  “Do what?” she asked, feigning ignorance as she turned around to face me.

  “Act like you ‘know’ you’re right!”

  “I know my daughter, and despite the fact you probably think I’m ancient, I know hunger in a man’s eyes when I see it too.”

  “Eww!” On that note, I gripped the hand-rims above my wheels and sped so fast out of that kitchen the metal burned my hands.

  “I’m going up now, sweetheart,” my dad said as he passed me in the hallway.

  “Okay. Goodnight, Dad.” He bent down and kissed the top of my head before patting my shoulder. “That’s a nice guy you’ve got there. I like him.”

  “He’s not ‘my guy’.” Ugh, what is it with everyone tonight? “But thanks. He’s a good friend.”

  “Not your guy, eh?” Jared ribbed when I entered the living room. He’d overheard. Well wasn’t that just fan-bloody-tastic.

  “Your mum never tell you it’s rude to eavesdrop?” He chose to laugh instead of answer and I chose to glower at him rather than say anything else. Putting my brakes on and dropping my armrest, I gripped the arm of the sofa and heaved myself over it and onto the brown-leather seat. “Gimme some of that,” I said, holding my hand out towards his bottle of lager.

  “So did your mum never tell you it’s rude not to say please?” Laughter took over my need to create a comeback until Jared scooted nearer to me… sitting so close our thighs were touching. Suddenly, I could barely breathe, let alone laugh. “You know… I could be your guy,” he whispered just inches away from my face.

  Holy fuckballs with giant
shiny bells on.

  He wasn’t serious.

  “You’re not serious?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” He actually sounded genuinely surprised… maybe even offended. But he wasn’t serious. Was he? No… he couldn’t have been being serious. “Maybe I think you’re really fucking hot.” Oh fucking hell, was he… did he… sweet, Jesus, he just kissed my jaw!

  “Stop fucking around, Jared,” I said firmly… shrugging away from him. He was pissing around, I knew he was, and that made the fact my heart had started racing so much more difficult to understand.

  “I’m not fucking around, Rach. I like you…. A lot.” Okay, I’ve had my fair share of hook-ups and I seriously don’t think a single one has ever muttered those words to me.

  “You and me? A one-night stand could ruin us… and you’re too good a friend for that.”

  “Who mentioned a one-night stand?”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.” From the outside I know I have this whole I-don’t give-a-shit attitude going on regarding my disability, and for the most part that’s true. But that’s because it only affects me. However, when it comes to someone else wanting to get close… and stay close… that’s a whole new ballgame. Jared sees the fun side of me – the carefree, jokey, no-nonsense persona…

  But the truth is, I do care… I do take things seriously and I know how difficult life can be living in a damn chair. People stare… people judge… people fuss…

  Sure people want to be my friend… guys even want to hook up for the odd night. But they can go home again. I’ve never even considered the idea of someone being around for the long haul. For fuck’s sake listen to me? Jared said more than one night… that’s hardly a fucking future.

  “This is to do with that thing, isn’t it?” he asked, nodding towards my wheelchair by the sofa. “Because you should know… I’ve never really even seen it until tonight. When you got hung up over that bruise on your side… well, that was the first time I’d ever seen you looking… ashamed, I guess. And I’ve got to be honest - I don’t get it.