Lean On Me (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  When I reached the top of the steps I lowered Rachel into a chair on the back row before settling in next to her.

  “Um… forgot something?” she asked, nodding down the centre aisle. Shit. The food and drinks were still on the seats near the screen. In that moment the theatre lights started dimming so I hopped up quickly and went to fetch our stuff. When I returned seconds later, Rachel took her hotdog and took an almost violent bite.

  “I hope you’re going to be a little gentler with my hotdog later on,” I whispered in her ear. Yeah, seems I really am that immature.

  “Wow, why didn’t you tell me your twelfth birthday was coming up?” she joked, shaking her head at me.

  The trailers were almost over when I noticed, after that first bite, Rachel had barely nibbled around the edges of the rest of her hotdog. Mine was long gone, along with a decent chunk of the popcorn.

  “You okay?” I asked, eyeing up the bun in her hand.

  “I feel a little sick. Think it’s off or something,” she muttered, wrinkling her nose.

  “Well gee thanks. Could’ve warned me before you saw me devour mine. I swear if I wake up rolling in my own diarrhoea in the morning, you’re cleaning it up.” With that comment, Rachel started gagging. I thought she was taking the piss at first until she started panicking.

  “Jared, please. Toilet. Need a… toilet,” she choked out, clamping her hand over her mouth. I was running down the steps with her in a millisecond, then I got her in her chair and wheeled her the hell out of there as fast as I could.

  The ladies toilets were luckily next door to our screen and I leaned over and pushed the door open with one hand while pushing Rachel forward with the other. I’m sure if she wasn’t holding on to a mouthful of vomit she would’ve objected to me coming in with her – much like the snooty cow with the Louis Vuitton handbag did.

  “Does it look like I’ve got time to give a shit?” I snapped when the whiney old bitch angrily informed me that I shouldn’t be in there. Moving forward and ignoring her gasp, I practically hurled Rachel into a cubicle and grabbed hold of her hair while she bent over and spewed up six months worth of food.

  “Let’s get you home,” I said, soothing her back with my hand when there was nothing left to come out.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, wiping the corners of her mouth on a paper towel. “I ruined our date.”

  “Fuck the date, Rach. I’m more concerned that you’re having a shit birthday.”

  “My birthday isn’t shit. I’m with you. Now take me home and cuddle me.”

  “Jesus, you really are ill,” I ribbed. “You’re never soppy.”

  “I can tell you to go fuck yourself if you’d prefer?”

  “Ah, there she is. My saffy.” I rubbed the top of her hair like she was a small child. “Come on,” I added, stepping around her and taking hold of her handles. “Bed time.”

  **********

  “Do you think we can really do this, Jaz?” Rachel murmured against my chest. It was almost morning. She was tucked under my arm and had been for hours.

  “Do what?” I answered groggily. When I woke up a few hours before, I had the dreaded lightheaded feeling I thought had fucked off yesterday. I hadn’t moved a muscle since, in the hope if I kept still and calm, it would go away without ruining my day.

  “This. Us. For… the long term…” Supporting her in the crook of my arm, I rolled onto my side to face her. Then I took her hand in mine and clamped it to my chest.

  “I know we can. Rachel, I love you. I feel like I’ve loved you forever and the feeling that I get in here when we’re together,” I squeezed the hand that was lying over my heart, “it’s more powerful than anything I’ve ever felt before. It won’t fade. It won’t leave. It’s too strong, saffy. So yeah, I’m in this for the long haul. Question is, are you?”

  Rachel was silent for longer than I’d either anticipated… or liked.

  “Rach?” Fuck, was there even a decision? Did she really need to think about it? “Rachel, I’m kind of nervous here.”

  “No. I mean yeah. I mean… sorry. It’s just… things can change you know? You’re happy right now, but what if something changes between us? Life doesn’t stand still. It won’t always be like this. Me at Uni, you working at the pub, meeting up to either get pissed or shag…”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa… slow the fuck down. You think that’s why I like being with you? For the booze and the sex? The amazing sex I should point out but still… Rachel I would love you if your pussy healed over and your liver packed up. I would love you just as much if you could run as I do even though you can’t – though I’d probably be a little more afraid of you if you could chase me.”

  Is that… yep, definitely a smile.

  “I don’t know how many times I need to say it before you believe me. I. Love. You. And you know why, because I’ve told you a thousand times. So stop fishing for compliments and tell me you love me too already.”

  “I-I do.”

  “You do… what? Say it, Rachel. Tell me how you feel.” I pushed, my lips trembling from the pressure of the smile trying to take over my face.

  “I… love you.”

  “I’m sorry? Didn’t quite hear that?” I teased, cupping my hand around my ear.

  “I love you, okay? I fucking LOVE you! Happy?”

  “Ecstatic,” I breathed, leaning forward and smiling against her lips before brushing my tongue over her lip-ring. “What took you so damn long?”

  Rachel backed away a little so our noses were no longer touching. I stared into her eyes, which are the colour of brown sugar, and waited for her to relax enough to tell me.

  “You asked me once if I trusted you. Can I, Jared. I mean really?” I had a peculiar heavy feeling in my gut. Whatever she was trying to get across was unnerving me.

  “Of course you can. Why are you asking me that?”

  “Because we shouldn’t have secrets.”

  Fuck.

  Does she know? About the… episodes? No. She can’t, I decided. Mick is the only other person to know about that and I’m pretty sure they’re not bosom buddies. Speaking of episodes, one was coming. I’d been feeling it all night. My limbs already felt heavy and I hadn’t even stood up yet. Selfishly, once I’d reassured Rachel enough to trust that I’m not going anywhere, I would have to go home.

  This would’ve been my perfect opportunity to tell her. But then again, why worry her when they will stop eventually? Besides, how can I admit that I hate how weak they make me feel? That I detest the fact it feels like they control me. That I fucking hate being different to anyone else and that it scares the fuck out of me that she might think I need help – need to be dependent on others some of the time.

  How in hell can I tell her that, when she’s stuck in a damn wheelchair and yet is one of the strongest, most determined and able people I’ve ever met in my life?

  “Jared… I found something out today. And I’m terrified it’s going to change things between us.”

  “It won’t.” Jesus, what the fuck was coming? “I promise you. You can tell me anything,” I assured her, pushing past the anxiety crawling up my throat. Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep, no two… ended up being five lingering breaths.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  What?

  Sorry, what?

  Holy fuck…

  “You’re…” I couldn’t even finish speaking, too busy focusing on the blood draining from my face and pooling in a terrified fucking heap in my feet.

  “Pregnant. I’m pregnant, Jared. I’m having your baby.”

  Sorry, what?

  Okay, okay, okay… breathe. You can do it. Go on… in and out.

  “Jared?”

  In and out. In. And. Out.

  “Jared, please. Say something.”

  “You’re having a… baby. We’re having a… baby.”

  A baby.

  A tiny human.

  A tiny human who will rely on me to take care of it.

 
; Me.

  “You’re going to be a dad.”

  Fuck.

  A… dad?

  ME?

  “I’m so sorry. It’s changed hasn’t it? Everything’s changed. I knew it. I fucking knew it! Jared, I didn’t plan fo-”

  “Rachel,” I interrupted. “Don’t apologise. Christ, this isn’t your fault. Not that it’s even a fault at all. It’s just… a lot to take in.”

  Me. A father.

  Fuck.

  “And you’re sure?”

  “Yes. According to the packet it’s like ninety something percent accurate. But… I’ve not felt ‘right’ for a while. I know it’s true. I can feel it.”

  “Okay,” I nodded. “So, what’s next?” Oh fuck, I really needed to leave soon before it was too dangerous for me to drive. But how could I leave her after what she’s just told me? How much of a total selfish prick would that make me? Tell her. Just… tell her. “Do we need to make an appointment to see a doctor?”

  “Yeah, I guess so. I’ll ring when they open at nine.”

  “And I’ll be with you. You know that right? You don’t have to attend one single appointment on your own. We can do this, Rach.”

  Can’t we?

  “I’m sorry, baby, I just need the bathroom,” I announced. I needed water on my face. Now. “But this changes nothing,” I said assuredly, pulling my pants on from the floor by the end of the bed. “I love you.” I bent down and kissed her forehead, steadying myself on the headboard when I started to feel dizzy.

  “I was so scared of telling you.”

  “Don’t ever be afraid to tell me anything, saffy. I told you nothing could come between us and I meant it. Now, I really need to piss.” I kissed her head one more time and walked slowly and cautiously to the bathroom.

  Ten minutes I stayed in the bathroom. I was growing weaker by the second. I’d drank four glasses of water and dunked my head in the sink but nothing worked. In a way, the fact that I know what’s coming kind of makes me feel more confident that it’s nothing serious. I mean if it was epilepsy, or a tumour or some shit like that, I wouldn’t get so much warning. I’d go just down like a sack of shit, right? It’s probably just low blood sugar or something. I think my granddad had that.

  Yeah, that’s all it is. And once today’s over I’ll go to the doctor and get it sorted. I have to. It’s time to start being responsible. I’m going to be a dad.

  Fuck.

  “Rach, I’m really sorry I’m going to have to leave. Mick’s just called and there’s been some kind of fuck up with the deliveries,” I lied, shrugging into my shirt. What? I’m going to tell her. For now, I just needed to get home.

  “Um… okay,” she said dejectedly. Damn, I hated myself in that moment.

  “I’ll call you later. Let me know when you get that appointment.”

  I left straight away, and it wasn’t until I turned my key in the ignition I remembered I hadn’t even kissed her goodbye.

  I hate this. I hate the fact I had to leave whether I wanted to or not.

  See? The fucking thing controls me.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Rachel

  So, Mick needed Jared in work, eh? Quite simply, I find it fucking amazing that Mick managed to get that message to him telepathically. I mean, how else could he have ‘called’ while Jared was in the bathroom, when his phone was sticking out of his jacket pocket at the end of my bed?

  After hearing him leave, I got out of bed, washed and dressed quickly for the day and decided to go and have it out with the sneaky bastard at the pub. Riding in the back of a black cab, I managed to get myself to a whole new level of royally pissed off. I’d just told him I was having his baby, and he runs off to sort out some barrels or whatever it was he said. How the fuck was beer important right now? He should’ve told Mick to fuck off.

  Christ I needed a smoke right now. I knew I couldn’t of course, but that didn’t stop me getting cranky. I ended up sucking on the bottom end of a pen, hoping I could trick my mind into thinking it was a cigarette. You probably won’t be too surprised to hear my mind wasn’t that stupid, and the pen didn’t do shit to quash my craving.

  Ugh.

  If this incident with Jared had been a one off occasion I might not have thought too much of it. Okay, so maybe I would. I think we’ve established I seem to have some trust issues going on. Seriously, what’s the deal with that? I don’t want to be a bunny-boiling girlfriend but it’s like I can’t seem to help myself sometimes.

  Anyway, my point is, this wasn’t the first time. When I look back there are a handful of times Jared has gone missing off the face of the planet, stood me up or left with a shitty explanation. Now don’t worry, I’m not convinced he’s cheating on me again so you don’t have to put up with me sinking into a whiney depression over that. No, if this last two months have proved anything to me, it’s that Jared really does love me.

  We’ve shared too much for me to have any doubts there. It’s in his eyes – the way he stares at me, the way they light up when he sees me and then darken slightly when he wants me. He says the most wonderful things – like he really cherishes me. And let’s face it, Jared is a goofball so I don’t think he has it in him to make all that shit up. So no. I don’t think he’s cheating on me. But he’s hiding something and I’m determined to find out what.

  Getting out of the minibus after paying the driver, I remembered how we had only just said there should be no secrets between us. Then, I remembered it was in fact me who said that and Jared didn’t actually say anything at all.

  Being early in the morning I wasn’t surprised to find the pub closed. I leaned forward and banged on the public entrance doors a few times before giving up and heading around the back of the building. There was a buzzer on the worn-in back door that was too high up for me to reach, so again I went with the option of bashing on the wood.

  “Do you know what time it is?” Mick said gruffly, scratching at the stubble on his chin as he opened the door. It was 9 AM – you’d have thought from his reaction it was the middle of the bloody night.

  “I need to speak to Jared.”

  “Yeah? Well then go and bash shit out of his door instead of bothering me at this hour of the fucking morning.” My shoulders slumped and I sighed heavily. What the hell was he playing at? “What’s he done?” Mick added in an almost sympathetic tone I’d never heard coming out of his mouth before. I just shrugged. I wasn’t going to explain myself to Mick. As far as I was concerned he was just the grumpy old bastard who ran the pub – regardless of the fact he’s related to Jared. “Come on. I’m up now, you might as well come in,” he grumbled while rubbing his eyes. Although he still sounded like a miserable tosser, it was the friendliest I’d ever seen him and so decided to go inside. Maybe, just maybe, he knew what Jared was being so damn secretive about.

  “You’re gonna have to give me a hand up this step,” I said.

  “A please wouldn’t go amiss,” he complained, stepping out onto the pebbled path in his slippers to grab the handles on my chair.

  “Neither would a smile,” I tossed back. I’m sure I heard the faint rumblings of a small laugh. Mick laughing… who knew that was even possible?

  Once he’d guided my chair up the step I took over. I don’t like people I don’t know very well pushing me – it makes me feel disabled if that makes sense. Incapable. Inadequate.

  “Coffee?”

  “No thanks.” Ugh, the thought churned my stomach. “Maybe some water please.” Mick nodded and disappeared out of the back room into the bar. He came back a minute later with a bottle of spring water and then slumped down onto the shabby sofa.

  “So go on, what’s the stupid little shit done now?”

  “For starters he told me you’d called him in about an hour ago. I might as well get straight to the point… Do you know anything you think Jared would want to keep from me?”

  “What makes you say that?” he asked carefully. I knew instantly from the hesitant look in his eyes
he knew damn well what Jared was hiding.

  “He disappears a lot. Acts nervous sometimes. I don’t think he’s doing anything to hurt me. I know he loves me. I… I’m worried about him.” And I didn’t realise it until that very moment. I wasn’t annoyed with Jared – I was overwhelmingly concerned.

  “You know you really should be talking to Jared about this.”

  “If Jared wanted to talk about it, I wouldn’t be here.” Here was me thinking the cranky old twat was going to be helpful. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have come in,” I snapped, releasing my brakes.

  “Wait,” Mick breathed out. “That lad means a lot to me. I don’t want him to think he can’t trust me.” Holy shit. That sounded more serious than I was expecting. I went there for answers and now I didn’t want them anymore. “You love Jared?”

  “Yes. Yes I really do.” Christ, if Mick kept this up I might actually start believing he has ‘feelings’.

  “I can’t believe the stupid shit hasn’t told you already. I told him to tell you.”

  “Tell me what?” I rushed out, feeling a sudden pang of panic in my stomach.

  “I don’t know if Jared’s told you, but I didn’t really have much to do with him growing up. My brother and I had an… irreconcilable altercation.”

  “Yeah. He mentioned something.” Like you came on to his mother…

  “Well, eight years ago I walked out the back there,” he said, nodding to the back of the building, “after closing, and found Jared bloody, beaten and having some kind of fit on the concrete.”

  “A fit?”

  “Yeah. He’d had a run in with some pricks in Glitter earlier on…” Glitter is the nightclub a couple of streets away from The Blue Apple. “They followed him outside, jumped him and beat the shit out of him. I’d not seen the kid in years and then he turns up bleeding out in my fucking yard.” Mick shook his head, flinching at the memory.

  “Jesus.”

  “Al found out he was flunking university – threw him out, stopped his money… Poor lad had nothing. So, I gave him a job and helped him get straightened out.”