Lean On Me (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  “I’m pretty sure we’ve had enough surprises, don’t you?”

  “Would you like to see?” Doctor Jameson asked, interrupting our ill-timed squabble.

  “Yes,” we both said in unison. I squeezed Rachel’s hand tight as he turned the monitor to face us. A rush of disappointment surged through me when I was met with a black screen and some fuzzy grey shapes. Where are my babies?

  “Baby number one is right here,” he pointed out, hovering his finger over a black blob.

  “It moved!” I said, feeling like the wind hand been punch from my lungs. The black blob moved!

  “See this here? This is baby’s head. If you look closely you can just about make out the face.”

  Wow.

  What looked like two tiny black potholes were visible on its face. They were either eyes or eye sockets or something else related to eyes. It looked like an alien. My baby alien. He or she couldn’t have been more perfect, and as I stared at the black blob on the screen, tears began to prick at the corners of my eyes.

  “And these two stumps right here are baby’s legs. Unfortunately baby isn’t keeping still long enough for me to show you the arms.” Legs. My baby’s got legs! How amazing is that? “Now…” he began again, moving the T-shaped thing around Rachel’s belly. “Here’s baby number two.”

  The tears weren’t just prickling anymore. They were rolling freely down my face like I was a giant fucking pansy. Again, I stared, unblinking in utter awe as the doctor pointed out my baby’s bits and pieces. Every move the perfect little blob made mesmerised me and I already knew without a shadow of doubt, I would do anything to protect those little smudges.

  When the doctor had finished showing us our babies – holy shit I don’t think I’ll ever get used to saying that – he told us we would need to wait in the waiting room to be called in to see a midwife, then he left the room with a courteous nod. Smiling, the sonographer tore some paper towels from a roll at the end of the bed and passed them to Rachel to wipe the gel from her belly, and then left us alone while I got her back in her chair.

  “Thank you,” I breathed, kissing Rachel’s forehead before scooping her in my arms. “I’m so fucking proud of you,” I added, squeezing my eyes closed against her hair to trap the threat of more tears. “And our babies.”

  “Aren’t you scared?” she asked me once I’d lowered her into her chair.

  “Nothing scares me when I’m with you, saffy. Nothing.”

  “Daddy,” she whispered playfully. Hell yes, I could get used to the sound of that.

  “Mummy,” I mirrored, pushing her nose like a button. “I love you, Rachel. I mean really fucking love you.”

  “Don’t be getting all soppy on me,” she scolded, but I knew it was because she would cry if I carried on - her eyelashes were already damp from seeing our babies on screen. “Come on,” she added, cocking her head towards the door. “I’ve got a pot of piss in my bag I believe someone wants.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Rachel

  “You should call Emily,” Jared suggested, tracing the lines of the koi tattoo on my upper arm while holding me close to him in bed. We’ve had a week to come down from the news that we are having twins – twins! – yet I still find myself feeling flabbergasted whenever I imagine them growing inside me.

  “Maybe,” I kind of agreed. Of course I wanted Emily to know… but then I also wanted her to call me first – show me she missed me as much as I missed her. Childish? Probably. I knew deep down I needed to drag my stubborn head out of my arse. “I’ll call her later.”

  “You will?”

  “Don’t act so surprised. You’re right. I want her to know this. And… well… I miss her.”

  “I know she’ll be missing you too.”

  “Then why hasn’t she called? Or returned my texts?”

  “Come on, Rach. I know you don’t really believe she doesn’t care. There’s something she’s not telling us. There must be. I’m guessing Dexter’s in some kind of deep shit. He’s always been secretive. No one’s ever really known anything about him or his past.”

  “You think she’s in trouble?” I asked, feeling suddenly guilty. Jared sighed heavily, causing my head that was lying on his chest to rise and fall. My fingers wandered up the centre of his stomach and trailed across his muscles until they landed on a nipple. I tweaked them softly between my fingers – not in a sexual way, I just like the feel of them. Weird, eh? Maybe I’ve got some kind of nipple fetish.

  “I don’t know. Maybe,” he replied. The words twisted around my heart. “But whatever it is I don’t think for a second she doesn’t need you as much as you need her. You know she’s been kind of sheltered. I think she’s probably overwhelmed, struggling… I think maybe whatever’s going on she’s embarrassed about. Maybe she thought it would blow over before she needed to tell you. But in the meantime you guys convinced yourselves the other one is pissed off, when really, you both love each other so much, and feel so guilty that you don’t know how to make the first move.”

  “I never even thought of it like that,” I admitted. “Jesus, I’m such a bad friend.”

  “Hey,” Jared all but snapped, palming my cheek and pulling my face up to meet his gaze. “You are not a bad friend. Now I don’t know what shit Em’s got going on but I also know she doesn’t think that either. You two don’t know how to live without each other, that’s what’s gone wrong here.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead before backing up and looking me straight in the eye. “Don’t ever let me hear you say things like that about yourself again.”

  “Yes, sir,” I concurred playfully.

  “Now, fancy some pregnant sex?”

  “How about we just start calling it regular sex?”

  “Where’s the fun in that? I’ve only got a few months left to enjoy this,” he said, rolling me onto my back. “And these,” he breathed against my nipple. “It won’t be long before I’ve got to share these,” he said with a fake tsk of his tongue. “I need to enjoy you being pregnant before you start complaining that you’re too tired, or sore, or whatever other shit new mums complain about.” I knew he was teasing but that didn’t stop me swatting the side of his head. “So I’ll ask you again. Fancy some pregnant sex?”

  Giggling, I answered, “I’d love some pregnant sex.”

  I’ll leave you to imagine how the rest of our morning panned out.

  **********

  “Ugh. Back to the real world tomorrow,” I grumbled. After the scan last week I called work and Uni and told them I was sick. Jared was already signed off after his accident but he told Mick the real reason we were taking the week off together anyway. Funny how I’ve grown to really like Mick. He’s not such a miserable old bastard after all. “Are you ready for your appointment?” Jared has an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow. It’s early in the morning so I said I’d go with him before my first class.

  “Truth? I’m kinda shitting it.”

  There was nothing I could say to that, so I did the only thing I could that I hoped would soothe him. I curled my finger, inviting him down to my level, and kissed him.

  “Is that what’s been bothering you today?” Ever since we surfaced from bed this morning, he’d been acting strange. Edgy… distant.

  “No I…” he trailed off, straightening his back and running his tense fingers through his golden hair.

  “Jared?” I pressed softly when it became apparent something was really bothering him.

  “I, um… I think I’m getting a warning.” The blood drained from his face as he spoke and his eyes refused contact with mine. “I held off telling you in case it was nothing, and…” He drew in a deep breath. “I even considered making an excuse and going back to my place.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t,” I said without hesitation. Then I took a few seconds to process his words while trying not to panic at the same time. “What do I do? How can I help you?” I asked, sounding only a little flustered compared to the deep swell of panic ballooning
in my chest.

  “You can’t do anything,” he said dejectedly, sweeping the floor with his eyes. “I think it best if I go and lie down for a while.”

  “Then I’ll lie with you.”

  “No,” he said sternly, still not looking at me. “I might… hurt you.”

  Oh. Christ this was nerve-destroying. I hated the fact he was suffering and there was nothing I could do to ease that.

  “Then I’ll just sit with you.” He shook his head at me and I could already see his body weakening when he stumbled and had to support himself on the wall. “Jared, look at me,” I ordered. Reluctantly, he did. “Don’t hide from me, don’t push me away and don’t you dare ever be embarrassed in front of me. Got it?”

  “I… don’t know what it looks like to an outsider. I’m guessing not pretty.”

  “Stop it, Jaz. Stop looking so ashamed. I love you – all of you. Let me be here for you.”

  Jared offered me a slight nod in return and as I made my way over to him, he stumbled again – this time blinking his eyes repeatedly as if he was having difficulty seeing. Then, without uttering a word he started making his way to the bedroom and I followed, swallowing the knotted lump of nerves and uncertainty clogging my throat along the way.

  When he reached the doorframe he almost walked straight into it as he lost his balance again and started rubbing at his eyes.

  “Here,” I said, cocking my head towards the back of my chair. “Lean on me. Use my handles for support.” He did without question. I noticed his fingers trembling slightly as he reached out to grab onto the back of my chair, and as I wheeled slowly towards the bed, he walked beside me, letting my chair take some of his weight.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he lowered himself onto the bed.

  “Don’t you dare,” I scolded. “Don’t you dare apologise for this.”

  Jared lay down and curled himself into the foetal position. He closed his eyes and mumbled something unintelligible… and then it took him.

  With one violent jerk, accompanied by a harsh growl that made me wince, Jared’s body uncurled itself. The sight in front of me tore my insides apart. I leaned forward and clasped my hands together, resting my elbows on my knees. Every time Jared’s body stopped convulsing my hand instinctively reached out to touch him, to comfort him – but then another violent spasm would wrack through his muscles, causing his limbs to stiffen and jolt, making me shrink back again.

  A tear bled from my eye as the sound of course grunts and moans were propelled from his throat. Then, his eyelids rolled open slightly, exposing the white of the back of his eye and I crumbled. I clasped a hand over my mouth to quieten my sobs as I watched a gathering of marbled white foam settle around his mouth. Lastly came the sound I hadn’t been expecting…

  My eyes trailed down his body until they reached the source of the hissing sound. My gaze reluctantly settled on the crotch of his jeans and when I saw the dampness setting in, I cried harder. I had never felt so helpless in my life. I clutched my belly, subconsciously hugging my babies – our babies – and I silently told them what a strong daddy they had.

  How had he coped with this all alone for so many years? I’d seen it just once and it destroyed me. Watching him lying there, on my bed, helpless, grey and stretched out in a shallow pool of his own urine…

  I cried. Hard. And in that moment I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to stop.

  His body hadn’t been shaking for several minutes when I thought it safe enough to get closer to him. I took myself over to the edge of the bed and cradled his hand in mine before bringing it up to my face and kissing his knuckles. Then I used the back of his hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks, and as I did, his eyes started to flicker open.

  “I’m here, baby,” I assured him, clutching his hand to my chest.

  “W-where am…am I?” he stuttered. His eyes strained to see across the room - he looked dazed, disorientated and a little scared.

  “You’re in my bed. In my flat. You’re okay, babe… just rest,” I said, plucking a tissue from the box on my bedside table and dabbing the corners of his mouth.

  “R-Rach?”

  “Yeah. I’m with you, babe. Just relax until you feel ready to talk.” I didn’t know if that was the right thing to say. Was I meant to move him? Call someone? I didn’t have a fucking clue. I just wanted him back. I wanted him to reassure me that he was okay. I’d never witnessed something so painful in my life – even though I’m sure he didn’t feel any pain, I sure as shit did.

  I don’t know how much time passed before he opened his eyes fully – until he looked at me with recognition. All I know is seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours.

  “You stayed,” he breathed, and there it was again – that damn, unnecessary shame saturating his voice.

  “I told you I would. You should never have to wake up alone after that.” I winced at the memory and hoped he didn’t see. Then I noticed him squirm uncomfortably on top of the bed and I knew by the sudden paleness to his face he’d felt the dampness between his legs.

  “Can you um, leave me alone for a while?” he asked, embarrassment preventing his eyes from looking into mine again. “I just need to, um…”

  “It’s okay, Jaz. Please don’t be embarrassed in front of me.” His hand shot up to his face, concealing his mortification. “I’ll go and wait in the living room,” I said, unable to fathom how he must be feeling. “But know that what just happened has only reaffirmed how much I love you.”

  Jared didn’t say anything else, choosing instead just to offer a weak smile, again without looking at me. I assumed he wanted to get himself cleaned up and changed – process what had just happened. He’d always dealt with this alone and it was as new for him as it was for me. So, wheeling backwards out of the room, I turned in the hall and made my way to the sofa to wait for him.

  **********

  Jared wandered into the living room about forty minutes later. I’d heard the shower running and then movements in the kitchen shortly after, followed by the sound of the washing machine spinning. He paused in the doorway, hesitantly looking at me while running his fingers through his damp hair.

  “You look like shit,” I told him honestly but playfully, attempting to add some normality to the situation.

  “I hate that you had to see me like that,” he said gravely, looking to the floor. My heart began to throb painfully in my chest. I hated that. I hated that he felt embarrassed with me.

  “Come sit with me.” I patted the spot next to me on the sofa, and after sighing heavily he walked gingerly towards me. “I had no idea they were that bad,” I confessed as he perched beside me. He sat a few inches away, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “How have you coped for so long like this?”

  “It’s been so long since I’ve known anything else. I’m just used to it I guess,” he shrugged.

  “Please look at me,” I coaxed, aching for him to trust me enough to be himself with me. “I want you to be comfortable with me, Jaz. I need you to trust me. I’m here for you. Always.”

  “You shouldn’t have to see me that way,” he argued.

  “Why not? You see me in this chair every day.”

  “That’s different.”

  “How? I’ve got no control over it just like you haven’t. But that doesn’t stop me wishing I could be more for you sometimes.”

  “Don’t say things like that. You are everything to me. You know that. What more could I possibly need from you?”

  “Well… I could ride you until you can’t remember your own name for a start,” I teased. Result! I got a smile! A small one, but definitely there. “It’s going to get better, Jared. Your appointment tomorrow is the first step, and I will be with you throughout this whole thing. I don’t want you to pretend anymore – not with me. Whatever this is, is part of you and that means it’s part of me now too.”

  Visibly relaxing, Jared leaned back into the cushions and took hold of my hand.

  �
��Who’d have thought it, huh? Me and you.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed with a small laugh. “You used to piss me off so bad.”

  “Whatever. You loved me really. Who else could you have ‘drink as many cans as you can without being sick’ competitions with?”

  “It really wasn’t a competition. You have the drinking stamina of a fourteen year old girl.”

  “I never knew I wanted this. Settling down I mean. But… I’ve never been so happy. You make me so happy,” he said, edging closer to me and running his thumb across my jaw. The simple touch ignited every nerve ending in my body. Well, apart from the ones that are shot to shit of course. “You think we’ll make good parents?”

  “I think we’ll make unconventional parents,” I answered through a giggle. “We’re either gonna be super cool or an almighty embarrassment.”

  “Sorry kids,” Jared muttered, staring down at my slightly swollen belly and rubbing it softly. “Mummy and Daddy will try not to embarrass you too much.”

  “Hey!” I mock scolded. “I don’t know about you but I’m choosing the super cool option.” Jared laughed, and then draped one arm across my shoulders, keeping the other laid gently across my belly.

  “I love them so much already,” he said genuinely – not a hint of playfulness in his voice. I felt the heat rise in my chest as my heart began to melt. “Rachel?” he asked, concern flooding his voice. “Why are you crying, baby?”

  Am I?

  Wiping a knuckle under my eye and skimming the shallow pool of tears, I noticed I was in fact crying.

  “Because I love them too. As much as it scares me, and as uncertain as I am about everything… none of it matters because nothing is as important as our babies.” I took in a sharp intake of breath. You know when you already ‘know’ something, yet somehow it still manages to slap you in the face when you’re least expecting it? Yeah, well that just happened.

  I’m going to be a mum.