Lean On Me (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  I dismissed the untimely self-pity threatening to take over my mood and snapped my seatbelt off.

  “Wow,” Rachel muttered when I opened her car door. Mick was already at the boot fetching her chair and so together we just stared at the large semi, painted white with black accents around the guttering. “It’s fucking huge.”

  I laughed softly. I guess it was huge compared to Rachel’s tiny little flat, or even her parents’ home back in Cheshire. To me, it was just a regular house. And yes, I know that makes me sound like a jumped-up, spoiled brat, but well – I’ve never really known anything else.

  Once she was settled in her chair she started moving herself towards the door, too eager to wait for me to take hold of her handles. Mick faffed around in the file my dad gave him for a minute as he searched for the key, and when he found it, he handed it to me.

  “Ready?” I asked Rachel, slotting the key into the lock. She nodded enthusiastically and I twisted the key. I’d still been debating how I felt about this whole arrangement until the second I opened the door. In that very moment, when I looked in onto the cream hallway, with polished mahogany floors and beige carpet hugging the stairs, I knew. I knew this was the best decision for my family. I could already see us living here – my babies trying to crawl up the first stair and Rachel shooing them away.

  “We’re home,” Rachel breathed as I tilted her chair over the threshold. This house obviously had the same effect on her as it did on me and we hadn’t even ventured into any rooms yet.

  “According to this,” Mick interrupted, holding up some letters from the file. “A lift is being installed in the dining room next Wednesday, Thursday the bathroom is being re-fitted with a hydraulic bath chair and a freestanding shower cubicle and then Friday someone’s coming to fit an emergency bell in every room.”

  Wow. My Dad had thought of everything. He’d thought of Rachel.

  “Rach?” I asked carefully, dropping to my knees in front of her. “What is it?” I asked, noticing the overspill of tears.

  “I just… it’s just… I’m overwhelmed I suppose. Your dad… he’s gone to so much trouble for me.”

  “No, saffy. For us,” I said, flattening my palm over her swollen belly. “It’s all turning out just great don’t you think?”

  “Meaning?”

  “Everything. Life. This. Us. I couldn’t be happier right now.”

  And I meant every word. Everything was slotting into place like a jigsaw puzzle. In just a few months I’d fallen in love with the most beautiful person, inside and out, I’d ever met. I’d finally got my head in gear and faced the illness that’s loomed over me my whole adult life and was now hopefully on the road to a future without those damn episodes. I was going to be a daddy, we had a family home just waiting for us to move into, our best friends would be back in our lives soon, my dad and Mick’s relationship may well be salvageable and…

  I’m the proud owner of a giant flower tattoo on my arse.

  “So, where do you want to tour first? Upstairs or down?” I asked.

  “I can’t get upstairs.”

  “I’ll carry you.”

  “I’m getting heavy. These babies weigh a ton.”

  “Nothing to do with the fact you’ve been having chocolate for breakfast every morning this week then huh?”

  “Hey!” She swatted my arm. “It’s a craving. I can’t help it!”

  “Come on,” I said, jumping to my feet before scooping her in my arms. “I like a challenge.” Then I climbed the stairs, cradling her like a baby – all the while laughing as she squealed into my chest. “MICK?” I called behind me when I reached the top stair. “Bring Rachel’s chair up!”

  **********

  Two weeks later…

  “That one’s for upstairs,” Rachel instructed as I brought the box she’d been looking for into our new kitchen.

  “I’ve just got this from upstairs. You said you wanted the green box.”

  “Not the green box that says ‘bathroom’ on it, nobcheese.” Holding my arms out in front of me I examined the box, and sure enough, there in Rachel’s handwriting in black marker said ‘bathroom’.

  We’d been moving in for two days and are almost finished. Well, to be honest I thought we were finished a couple of hours into the first day but it seems we needed another few days moving this box here and that box there and those boxes up, down around and back up again.

  Grr. Women. Why do they have to be so indecisive? The way I see it, take a box, open it, toss the contents in the nearest cupboard – done. Time for a beer.

  But no. ‘We can’t put that there because it doesn’t match this.’ ‘That can’t stand next to that – it doesn’t go.’ ‘That would look better with the bedroom curtains not the living room ones.’

  Christ she’s adorably annoying when she’s stressed.

  But we’re finally here. Home. All the boxes are in, though I’m sure it will take Rachel another six months to decide where she wants everything to go. Mick helped us with the last of the boxes this morning, Rachel’s friend Holly is due in an hour or so to help her choose which drapes to hang in the dining room and my sister and parents are coming this evening to… well I’m not actually sure why they’re coming. To nosey around the place probably.

  My mum and dad seem to be working things out – they’re pretty much back to their usual uptight selves. The ‘incident’ hasn’t been mentioned since and I doubt it ever will. Therefore I’ll probably never know why my mum decided to lie for all these years, but to be honest I’ve got too much good stuff going on in my life right now to care. Mick and my dad? I’m not so sure yet. Neither of them are what you could call ‘talkers’ so I suppose it’s going to be a case of time with those two. But hey, they’ve exchanged a few handshakes and tossed the odd grunt in each other’s direction so that’s progress.

  And… I finally told my parents about the epilepsy. I didn’t know what I was expecting – maybe a few tears from my mum, an accusation that I must have brought it on myself from my dad… But no. They flew straight in doctor mode. My mum disagrees with the medication I’m taking and has insisted I go back and ask for some other one with a ridiculously long name that apparently won’t make me so tired all the time, and my dad wants to refer me to a different neurologist.

  For now I’m going along with it. If it makes them feel helpful, and keeps me in their good books, then I’m happy.

  Re-entering the bathroom for the fiftieth time today, I set the ‘wrong’ green box back down on the counter. As I did so, my phone vibrated in my jeans pocket.

  Dexter: Still on for next week daddy?

  Jeez, this was getting old pretty quickly. Ever since he found out about the twins he’s taken to calling me ‘Daddy’. From another guy it’s just fucking weird. Kind of makes me feel like I’m involved in one of those sick fetishes, you know where you have a middle aged pot-bellied dude wearing a nappy, getting spanked by his ‘mummy’. Ugh.

  Anyway, Emily is throwing a ‘surprise’ birthday party for Dexter next week. Not much of a surprise seeing as it was Dexter who told me about it, but he wants to make that the day Rachel and I go up there to surprise Emily. They’re back on UK soil now, staying with Em’s brother Chris until they get their own place.

  It’s weird because I haven’t even known them that long, Dexter only marginally longer than Rachel and Emily, yet I’m so bloody excited to see them again. Those guys right there are my best friends – Rachel’s too. The kind of friends I know in my gut would never turn out like Ben. I tried speaking to him about what happened, about the part he played in my attack… but I ended up walking away. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look into his eyes again and not see the eyes of my attacker staring back at me – taunting me, threatening me all over again. Well, they were brothers after all.

  Maybe this is another situation that just needs time.

  Me: Yes mate. Settling in ok?

  Dexter: A little crowded at Chris’ place but couldn’t b happi
er right now. Em smiles so much. Life’s pretty darn perfect

  Me: Soppy much? Dude, tell Em u want ur balls back

  Dexter: Go fuck yourself pretty boy

  “Who you texting?” Rachel asked, startling the shit out of me. I swear the lift my dad had installed is too damn quiet. The amount of times I’ve choked on my heart this last couple of days is insane.

  “Dex. Just checking we’re still on for next week.”

  Rachel nodded with the same nervous smile she wears every time we talk about Emily.

  “Well I just got a text from Jess. She can’t make it with your parents tonight so she’ll be here in five minutes. To be honest I think she’s bored. The station have put her on office duties for the rest of her pregnancy – she’s not handling the mundaneness very well.”

  “Guess I’ll put the kettle on then. Tea? Coffee?”

  “Pot Noodle,” she winked. Rolling my eyes and feeling slightly nauseous at the mere thought of having to smell another Pot Noodle, I headed downstairs.

  “Hey, Rach?” I called back from the middle stair. “Get whichever green box you’ve been rambling on about yourself while you’re up there!”

  “Arsehole!” she shot back, the amusement evident in her voice.

  Jess arrived minutes later, waltzing straight into the living room and flopping backwards onto our new brown leather sofa.

  “Work is a bastard,” she groaned, smoothing her palms over the leather and nodding in approval. “Nice couch.”

  “You can’t expect them to let you patrol the streets, Jess. Not in your condition.”

  She huffed, shrugging her shoulders the same way she’s been doing since she was thirteen years old.

  “Yeah, I know,” she grudgingly agreed. “It’s just not what I signed up for. If I wanted to shuffle papers for a living I would’ve applied for a job as a receptionist.”

  “It’s not forever. Quit moaning, brat.”

  “Screw you.” Jess arched her back, trying to get comfortable as she rubbed her belly. Even though there is a couple of months separating her and Rachel’s due dates, there is barely any difference in their size. Rachel sitting down all the time, means her body hides it better, but when she’s lying next to me at night, the fullness of her growing belly presses against my own and I get to see just how big she is. She’s beautiful. “You’re a shite host. Where’s my drink?”

  “Me playing host would imply you’re a ‘welcome’ guest. You’re pregnant, not dying. Get your own.”

  “Hey, Rachel!” Jess called out as loud as she could. “My brother’s being mean to me!”

  “Cut it out, snitch. She won’t take your side over mine,” I teased, knowing she damn well would.

  “Oi,” Rachel said, snapping her fingers when she came in from the dining room. “Kettle on. Now.”

  See?

  Women usually stick together anyway. Women pumped with pregnancy hormones? I don’t stand a fucking chance.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  The rest of the afternoon panned out as expected. Jess and Rachel faffed around with cushions and curtains, then Holly turned up and joined in with the girly shit. I snuck out to work for a couple of hours. I wasn’t due in today but I had to escape the madness before my cock shrivelled into a clit. Too. Many. Flowers.

  Mick laughed at my predicament and told me beer would solve all my problems. That was the moment I realised just how pussy-whipped I actually am. I didn’t dare take so much as a sip of the beer Mick pulled for me, knowing the moment Rachel smelled my breath I would be in the shit. Not because she’s turned into some nagging psycho girlfriend – but because my parents were coming tonight and she would kill me if she had to deal with them alone.

  By the time I got home the three girls were sprawled out across the sofas and chairs – giggling, stuffing their faces with chocolate and drooling over Matt Bomer on TV.

  “You know I’ve got more chance with him than you girls right?” I joked, casually leaning against the doorframe.

  “He’s gay, Jared. Not blind,” Jess insulted. Holly almost choked on her chocolate and then her face flamed in embarrassment when she sprayed spit all over herself.

  “Need a bib?” I couldn’t help myself. I only regretted my words when Rachel gave me a look that promised no blowjobs for a month if I said anything else. “Sorry, Hol. I was just teasing.” No way was upsetting this girl worth having to wank alone for a month.

  I left the girls alone for a while longer whilst I headed upstairs to empty some boxes. I didn’t think for a second I was putting the contents in the right places, but sod it. I would rearrange it whenever she clicked her tongue like a good little boyfriend.

  When I’d finished I stood by the large window that spanned across the wall at the head of our bed. Looking down onto the garden below, I imagined my children as toddlers, running around and asking me to push them on the swingset I planned to buy. Then Rachel appeared in my daydream, laying out drinks and cookies on the patio furniture I also intended to get before the next summer. Calling us all over, we ran to her – wrapping our arms around her all the same time before diving into the cookies.

  I cannot fucking wait for that daydream to become reality.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Rachel

  “You nearly ready?” Jared asked as I stuffed my last bits and bobs into my handbag. We were heading north today. I was going to see Emily for the first time since she left for the States before Christmas and I was nervous as hell. She didn’t know we were coming. What if she wasn’t happy to see me? What if we’d drifted too far apart? What if… “Rach?”

  “Oh, um… yeah. Almost.” Tucking my scan photo into my handbag, I nodded weakly. I couldn’t wait to show my mum and dad. They’re so excited about the babies and I haven’t seen them since I found out. I wanted to be excited about showing Emily too, but I couldn’t seem to see past whether she would even say hello to me first.

  I called my mum yesterday to let her know we were coming and she squealed so loud I think people in New York shoved their fingers in their ears. She also told me the news that my dad has finally got another job. A good one too by the sounds of it. Agency work driving HGV’s which means he can take as much or as little work on as he likes. For now, he’s choosing the ‘as much’ option, which means he’s earning more money than he has in years.

  I’ve decided to keep my job at the gallery though, and not just because of the arrangement we worked out with Jared’s father. I like it there, and by keeping my hand in I increase my chances of finding someone willing to display my own work someday. I’m working on a life drawing of Jess for Uni at the minute. It’s beautiful. She posed for me, without me even needing to beg, draped across the sofa clothed in a tight vest top which rode up over the top of her glowing belly. Seriously, with such a beautiful model, I’m gonna ace this assignment.

  “Train leaves in an hour, saffy,” Jared reminded me, tapping his watch.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

  “Without me? You should’ve said. I’d have helped,” he teased with a suggestive wink. “You okay?” he asked, seeming suddenly concerned, narrowing his brow. “The babies okay?”

  I followed his gaze and realised his change in temperament was down to me rubbing my belly.

  “They’re fine,” I assured. “They’re kicking the shit out of me so I guess that means they’re happy. And so am I. Everything’s working out pretty perfect isn’t it? If Emily agrees to talk to me today, it means everything is going to be okay.”

  “There’s no ‘if’, Rach. She loves you. You know that deep down.”

  “Hmm,” I murmured. “We’ll see.”

  “I’m looking forward to it myself. Dex has been through some serious shit, I’m kind of eager to know he’s doing okay.”

  “The American will be fine. He’s got my girl looking out for him.” My girl – Emily. My heart constricted at the thought of seeing her again – hugging her again. God I’ve missed her.

  �
�So, you ready now?” Jared asked again.

  “Yep,” I replied confidently because this time I was – physically at least. I had all the belongings I needed, but I doubted my mind would be ready until I held Emily in my arms again.

  “Good,” Jared said, walking behind me and taking hold of my handles. “Come on, saffy. Let’s go get our friends back.”

  The End

  Acknowledgements

  Wow, where do I start? I have met so many amazing people in the last few months and each and every one of them deserve a special thank you. I’ll begin by saying a huge thank you to my beta readers. Keeley Wall, Paula Agnes, Karen Peacock, Penny McCoid, Claire Pengelly, Tara Greseth, Autumn Thibault and Holly Baker… THANK YOU! Thank you for all your amazing words of encouragement, your advice, and your keen eye for typos!

  Next I need to give a special mention to all the amazing bloggers out there. Without you guys I would never have reached where I am today. Thank you for all your hard work, for reading, for pimping, and for being all round amazing people. I feel privileged to have work with so many amazing bloggers since I started this journey and I’m proud to have made some very special friends along the way. The Book Enthusiast, Mia’s Point of View, Reading Rainblog, Book Hooked, The Book Trollop, Holly’s Hot Reads, Love Between the Sheets, A Pair of Oakies, Rumpled Sheets Book Blog, Debbie the Book Vixen… to name but a few – thank you for your continued support. You guys rock my world!

  I’d also like to acknowledge the girls at The Book Enthusiast. Thank you for letting me join your team of awesomeness! Debra, Paula, Cindy, Kelly, Erin and Tami… you girls are fabulous and I’m so happy to be working with you! Debra, you get an extra thank you because you arrange all my tours and promotional shizz, and so does Paula because she has quickly become one of my very best friends in the whole world. I love you ladies BIG time J