“You don’t call me the whole time you’re gone, and now you’re asking me for a favour?” He laughs, incredulous, as if he can’t believe my nerve.
“Don’t punish Erin because you have a problem with me,” I say, angry.
“Cade, you’re the one with the problem,” he retorts. “Your whole attitude is self-indulgent. You think the world revolves around you and your problems.”
“Right, and that’s why I’m calling you to ask for help for someone else,” I snap. If it wasn’t for Erin, I’d hang up on him. “And Dad, why would I call you? So you can tell me how disappointing I am to you? Nothing I ever do is good enough.”
“Because you make bad decisions. I’ve done so much for you, and all you’ve done is throw it back in my face. Did you think I wouldn’t find out about medical school? Not to mention your little gambling habit.”
I can’t believe she told him. I’m beyond pissed, but I can’t deal with this now. I need to put Erin first and everything else second.
“Can you just put this vendetta you have with me aside for one day and help this girl? Can you do that?” I growl, my anger sparking. “If you won’t do it for me, do it for her.”
“I can’t just pull referrals out of thin air, Cade.” He sighs. He says it like I’m an idiot who doesn’t understand anything.
“You can, because I’ve seen you do it,” I growl. My father does whatever he wants to. He gets people to listen and to do what he wants. That’s how he became the best at what he does. As much as we have our differences, I respect him as a surgeon. “I’ve seen it all before, Dad. I’ve seen how far you’ll go when it’s your life on the line.”
“Cade, stop it.”
“I’m sure if Noah was asking, you’d do it in a second.”
“Is that what this is really about? Your rivalry with your brother? If I give him anything more than I give you, it’s because he deserves it.”
“You mean my half-brother.” It’s the first time I’ve admitted to anyone, other than Erin, that I know the truth. Ten years has been a long time to hold onto this. I’m so angry right now that I don’t care that what I’m saying will ruin any chance I have of building a relationship with him. “Right, Dad?”
“What are you talking about?” he asks, his voice raspy. “What is it you think you know?”
“I know how you used to shut Mum out. I know you offered her zero support when Noah was born, leaving her on her own for days at a time. I know you didn’t care how isolated and alone she felt, and I know it probably killed you when she slept with your colleague.”
“How do you know all this?” he asks, his voice barely audible.
“I found the letters they wrote each other after you insisted she end things with him. She wanted to leave you for him because she was in love with him.”
“What do you want from me, Cade?” he asks, defeated. “I’ve always treated you like a son. I gave you the best of everything, even though you were someone else’s kid. Every time I looked at you I saw her betrayal, but I never took that out on you.”
“But you did,” I argue. “You gave me every material thing I needed, but the one thing you didn’t give me is the thing I wanted most: your love and acceptance. Before I found the letters I was just a kid trying to figure out what the hell I’d done to make you hate me so much. Why couldn’t you have just let her leave?”
The silence is deafening. I don’t speak and neither does he. Instead I pace the hotel room, cursing myself for letting this conversation get so off track. This was supposed to be about helping Erin, not me and him.
“I’ll make some calls,” he says, breaking the silence. “In the meantime, I need you to call her parents and have them fax me her complete medical history.”
I breathe out, barely able to contain myself. “Thank you.”
It’s nearly ten in the evening when he calls me back. I’ve been sitting by my phone all night, willing it to ring, in between texts to Erin. When the phone rings, I pounce on it. It’s the only time I’ve ever been happy that my father is calling me.
“Where are you?” he asks.
“Paris. Why?”
“Because if you can get to London tonight, I’ve managed to secure you an appointment with a top neurosurgeon. Tomorrow morning is the only possible time, because he flies out to Germany in the afternoon for a conference.”
I nod, determined to make this work. “I’ll make it happen.”
I hang up. There is so much to arrange and no time to do it. I’m overwhelmed at where to start. Up until now, Erin has been in charge of all the travel arrangements. Everything was booked before we even left Australia, and all I had to do was sit back and enjoy the ride. Now it’s up to me to make this happen.
I grab my phone and check the train timetable. There’s a train leaving in two hours that would get us there at one in the morning. The next one gets us there too late. We have to be on that midnight train. I book the tickets, then find accommodation near the hospital where the appointment is going to be. With that out of the way, I quickly pack our bags and carry them down to reception.
“Leaving so soon? The room you are not happy with?” The manager steps out from around the desk, his expression concerned.
“The room was great, but we have to get to London,” I explain. “There is a chance we might have found someone who will operate.”
“Ah, that is wonderful news. I hope it goes well. You are a good man, she is lucky to have you.”
Embarrassed by his praise, I thank him, then head in search of a taxi.
The first taxi I hail ignores me, so when the second approaches I block his path, leaving him no option but to stop. I load my luggage and then sink into the backseat and direct him to get me to the hospital as quick as possible. He gets me there in record time so I tip him well, then race to Erin’s room. I’m fully aware that we’re running out of time.
“Quick,” I direct her. “Get dressed. We have to go.”
“What you mean we have to go? What you talking about? It’s eleven o’clock at night. You told me I need to stay the night, remember?” She’s irritable, no doubt from lack of sleep and feeling like crap, and apparently in the mood to argue.
“Yeah, well, things have changed. We have to go to the London now.”
“London?” she repeats, bewildered. “Are you insane?”
“Probably. I’ll explain on the way—just trust me, okay?”
To my surprise, she does what I ask.
“Get packed and I’ll arrange the discharge papers.”
They’re not happy about her going, especially at this time of night, but I pull the doctor aside and explain to him why this needs to happen tonight. He puts a rush on her discharge, and within the hour we are walking off the hospital grounds. I glance at my phone. We are actually going to do this.
“Now will you tell me what the hell is going on?” Erin exclaims, a hint of annoyance seeping through.
“I’ve got you an appointment with a top neurosurgeon in London, tomorrow morning. He can’t promise anything, other than he is willing to meet with you and look over your scans.”
“Are you serious?” She stops, her expression unreadable. “And you did all this without asking me first?”
“Because I didn’t want to get your hopes up. I didn’t want to tell you and then get this far and have my father not be able to come through.”
“You called your father?” she repeats, amazed. After everything I’ve told her about my family, she knows what a big deal that is.
“I told you, I’d do anything for you.”
She sleeps most of the train ride over, snuggled up against me, her head nestled on my shoulder. I stay awake, staring out the window into nothingness, replaying the conversation with my father in my head.
I shouldn’t have confronted him like that. I never thought I’d say it, but I think I pushed him too far. Who knows, maybe I’m being too harsh on him. It had to be hard on him, raising another man’s child—not th
at it excuses the way he treated me growing up.
I’ve only heard my mother’s side of things. No, that’s not accurate, because she doesn’t even know that I know that I know. All I have is her words in those letters. I never told her that I found them because I was afraid that I’d get her into more trouble. Besides, I got what I needed from those letters.
I finally knew why my father hated me.
It’s easier to label it as too hard than to do the work to try and fix it. We are past mending our relationship. We can’t even be in the same room together and be civil, so I can’t see us ever coming back from this.
Just like I can’t ever see Noah and I fixing things. Even as young children, there was always that rivalry between us, and we became more distant as we grew older. Hell, in the last twelve months I’ve seen him twice. Twice. He lives less than fifteen minutes away from me and that’s all I can manage? Yet Bella, his girlfriend, I was seeing almost every day.
I slide my hand out from behind Erin and stand up. I carefully step over her and make my way down the aisles of the train. It’s after midnight, and nearly everyone is asleep, so I pretty much have the dining car to myself. I order a coffee and sit down, staring at my phone. I’m so fucking anxious. Calling family shouldn’t be this hard, right? I can’t remember the last time I had a casual conversation with any of my family. Someone always wants something.
I press Call before I can change my mind.
“Hello,” he answers. There is no recognition in his voice at all, and it dawns on me that he doesn’t even have my number in his phone. Or maybe he’s just that shocked that I’m calling him.
“Hey. It’s me,” I say. “Cade.”
“Cade? Wow, how are you? How’s the trip going?”
He must’ve found out from Mum about the trip, because I never told him. Did she tell him about the gambling too? My grip tightens around the phone. I don’t want him knowing my business because I’m ashamed, and it’s just another reason why he’s better than me.
“Yeah, it’s going well. We are on our way over to London. Dad lined up a specialist appointment for Erin.”
“The dying girl, right?”
“Yeah, that’s her,” I murmur. The dying girl. “How’s Bella?”
“She’s all right. You know we’re back together?”
I cringe, remembering what happened while they were apart. If he ever found out…
“She’s been a bit sick the last few weeks, but I think she’s coming good again. Now I just hope I don’t catch whatever it is she had.”
I swallow a laugh. I’m pretty sure he’s safe there.
“So…” He pauses for a second. “Did you need something?”
“No, I just wanted to call and see how things were going.”
He’s quiet, probably in shock. “Cade, in the twenty-six years I’ve known you, you’ve never called me just to say ‘hi’.”
“Maybe I want to change that,” I mumble. I run my hand through my hair, feeling frustrated and confused.
“What’s going on with you?” he asks. “Where is this coming from?”
“I don’t know, maybe this is a bad idea,” I say. I shouldn’t have called, not while I’m in this frame of mind. My thoughts are all over the place. I hang up before he can answer.
I head back to my seat. Erin hasn’t moved an inch, placed in exactly the same position as I left her. Sitting back down, I wrap my arm back around her. She sighs and smiles softly, still sleeping as I lean in and kiss her.
Chapter Twenty
Erin
“Thanks for coming with me.”
Cade glances at me. He reaches over and takes my hand. “Anytime. I’m here for you. Remember?”
I nod and look around the waiting room again.
We are sitting in a clinic in the middle of London, about to meet a surgeon organised by Cade’s father, who thinks he might be able to operate. I’m so nervous. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m worried he won’t be able to remove it, or he’ll tell me he can.
“It’ll be fine, Ez.”
I see the strength in his eyes and can’t help but feel safe. He called me Ez.
“This is just a meeting to discuss your options. What you do from here is completely up to you.”
My name is called. I jump, my heart pounding. Cade takes my hand and we stand up.
“Hi, Erin? I’m Arthur Penderson. Down this way,” he says, gesturing to us to follow him. He doesn’t look like an Arthur. I don’t think I’ve ever met an Arthur who is under sixty. This guy looks to be in his early forties and he’s very attractive—not that his appearance has any bearing on his ability to perform delicate, lifesaving surgeries.
We walk into his consultation room. He slides behind his desk and we sit in the two chairs in front of him.
“Okay.” He glances at Cade. “You’re Andrew’s son? Your father is a great surgeon.”
Cade smiles tightly and Arthur turns his attention back to me. “Okay, Erin, I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I’ve looked at your file and I’ve gone over your scans. You have one hell of a tumour in there. Ninety-nine percent of surgeons wouldn’t even think about touching you.”
“Do you fall into the one or the ninety-nine category?” I ask softly.
He sighs and sits back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest. He rubs his eyes, as if he’s had a long day. “I’ll do the surgery, Erin, but I need you to understand the risks are shocking. The chances of me being able to get it all are less than three percent. The likelihood of you dying is greater than ninety percent. The chances of this working are tiny. But it’s there, and it’s probably more hope than you’ve felt in a long time.”
I sit there, my hands fidgeting in my lap. I have no idea what I feel or what to say, so I say nothing. Cade places his hand over mine, but all I can do is stare at the floor and try not to cry.
“Take whatever time you need to think about this, Erin. How have you been feeling?”
“The headaches are the worst thing,” I mumble. “I’m getting more and more episodes of blurred vision, and I’ve pretty much felt consistently sick the last two weeks.” I can feel Cade’s stare burning through me, probably because he had no idea how unwell I’ve been feeling.
“I’d like to do some more tests to see where we are at. How about we start with those and then we can chat?”
I nod.
He picks up the phone and speaks to his receptionist. “Sally will organise the tests for you. I understand that this is time sensitive, so I’m having her schedule them all for today and tomorrow.”
He escorts us back out and leaves us with his receptionist. I’m numb as she runs through the series of tests he wants me to have, but luckily Cade is listening. I mumble something incoherent and wander over to sit down. Cade watches me, concerned, but still getting all the information we need from Sally.
I’d prepared myself to die. How am I supposed to process the fact that I might not?
Chances are this disease is still going to kill me. There’s less than a ten percent chance of me surviving. How soon is he going to want to do this? What if I die during surgery? If I go ahead with it, I could be dead by next week.
I’m so confused.
Cade walks back over to me. He kneels down in front of me, his face creased with concern. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I mumble. “Can we please go?”
He nods and stands up, leading me outside. We walk in silence to the rental car. He opens the door for me and I get in. After having the requested tests, which they managed to arrange all for today, we’re finally free to leave.
We drive back to the hotel, neither of us saying a word. I love that he’s giving me time to think about all this, but at the same time I know he’s dying to know what I’m thinking. We get back to the hotel room and I curl up on the bed, my eyes closed. Cade lies next to me, stroking my face.
“I’m sorry if this was too much, Erin. I’m sorry if I pressured you into seeing him.”
“You’re making perfect sense,” Cade whispers. “I don’t want to lose you, but if there is even the tiniest part of you that wants to do this, then I think you should. Time flies, Erin. It’s moving too fast and…” He doesn’t finish.
Time is moving fast. It feels like only yesterday we were leaving Australia. It’s been nearly three months since that morning on the river, and so much has happened since then. It’s been hard, but I know the hardest part is coming, because I have to decide. Only I have no idea what I’m going to do.
Do I have the surgery and risk dying or live the heck out of the next few weeks and be happy with that?
Chapter Twenty-One
Erin
I barely slept all night, so at six a.m. I finally decide to get up. I carefully slide myself out from Cade’s arms and walk to the bathroom. I think I’ve finally made my decision. If he comes back with a yes, then I’m going to have the surgery. It was a lot harder making the decision than I thought it would be. When there was no chance, all I wanted was for it to be fixed. Now that there’s a chance, so many other factors come into play.
The likelihood of me not surviving the surgery is huge. It scares me so much to think I might not wake up from this. I’m not ready to die, but in order to give myself even a chance at living, I know I need to do this.
The shower makes me feel almost human. Once I’m dressed, I make myself a coffee and settle on the couch to watch television until Cade wakes up. I’m not expecting that anytime soon, because morning is a word that rarely enters his vocabulary. I’m halfway through the morning news when my phone vibrates. I look at the screen. It’s Calli.
Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts Book 4) Page 16