“Hey, I was going to call you.” I smile, answering the call.
“So you’ve made a decision then?” she asks nervously. She’s been for me having the surgery since I told her the outcome of yesterday’s appointment.
“If he thinks he can remove it, then I’ll do it.”
“I’m so glad to hear that, Panda. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, I just want you around for as long as I can have you.”
“I know.” I slouch back against the cushions on the couch. I feel the same way. It’s impossible to know what the right move is, so I just have to back myself that I’m making the right choice. “Hey, why don’t you come over here? Mum and Dad too? I still have some savings left that will cover your flights.”
Even though I came here with the possibility of assisted suicide in my back pocket, the thought of doing this without saying goodbye to my family is too much. I know that makes no sense, but I had prepared myself for choosing to die. I haven’t had a chance to let this sink in.
After I hang up with Calli, I call my parents. Mum sounds both relieved and terrified when I tell her my decision.
“I want to tell you that you’ve made the right choice, but I don’t know what that is,” she whispers tearfully. “I’ll support whatever it is that you do. I just want a chance to see my baby again.”
“I suggested to Cal that you all come over,” I reply, feeling my own eyes welling up. I want nothing more than to hug my mother right now.
“You mean that?” Mum asks, the hope in her voice making me smile.
“Of course I do,” I say, my voice thick with emotion. “I miss you guys like crazy. But I understand if you can’t come. It’s a long way, especially for such a short time.”
“We’ll be there, Erin. Nothing could keep us away.”
Cade still isn’t awake when I get off the phone with Mum, so I decide to call the girls too. Nora doesn’t answer, but Mel does. She squeals with excitement when she realises it’s me. I’ve neglected my friends, but I know they understand.
“Where the hell have you been, Ez? A phone call or ten would’ve been nice,” she grumbles.
I laugh. I can almost hear the pout through her voice.
“I’m sorry, I know you’ve been busy, but I’ve been dying to talk to you. So much has been happening and you weren’t here to share it with me.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been a bad friend,” I say. “Maybe this will make up for it. I was thinking you and Nora could come over here. My shout.”
“You want us over there?” she repeats, confused. “What’s going on? You’re not getting married are you?” she gasps. “Oh my God. You are!”
“Jesus, no,” I laugh. Only Mel could jump to that conclusion. “I found a surgeon who might be willing to operate.”
“Holy shit, Ez, that’s huge.”
“I know. The risks are very high, so I’m naturally nervous.”
“Say no more. We’ll be there.” She pauses. “But I have to be back for the weekend for Karly’s wedding.”
Karly is her older sister.
“Just seeing you, even for an hour would be amazing. I know it’s a long way—”
“Like I care about that,” she laughs. “I’ll be there. So, now to my news.” She pauses dramatically.
“Yes?” I press, amused.
“Yeah. I’m kind of seeing someone.”
“Do I know this someone?” I ask. I get the sneaking suspicion I do, judging by her embarrassed reaction. I rack my brain, trying to figure out who it could be.
“It’s Steve, okay?” She’s so oversensitive, which makes me giggle. “Shut it, Erin. I don’t need your shit over this. I’ve been getting enough of it from Nora.”
“Cat guy Steve?” I gasp between fits of laughter. “Oh my God, that’s perfect, Mel. You’ve totally made my day. How did this happen?”
“He’s actually a really cool guy,” she replies defensively. “He came in where I work and we got talking. Things happened from there. I’ve been so nervous about telling you.”
“Why?” I laugh. “Good on you. I’m glad you’re happy. I can’t wait to see you guys.”
“Me too,” Mel says softly. “I’ll give Nora a call and get over there ASAP. It will be fun.”
Fun probably isn’t the right word, but I get what she’s saying.
I feel like I’m on death row, waiting for my last visit from my family. I glance over and spy Cade walking to the bathroom, his backside on full display. I smile, enjoying the show.
“I better go, Mel. Let me know when you book so I can reimburse you, okay?”
**
“Let’s go and do something,” I say to Cade. I’m lying on the bed, watching him dress. He looks super sexy, in faded jeans and a fitted grey shirt. “I don’t want to sit around here stressing about the test results and then stressing more about whether he’ll do the surgery and then more about whether I’ll survive—”
“Okay,” he interrupts, his eyes twinkling. “What do you want to do?”
I go blank. I have no clue what there is to even see in London, but I’m too embarrassed to admit that to him. Panicked, I answer with the first thing that pops into my mind.
“We can start with Buckingham Palace.”
“Really?” He laughs, then realises I’m serious. “Okay, let’s go.”
The palace is huge, as I expected, and the crowd of people standing at the front is phenomenal. We can’t see much from our spots at the back, but just being there gives you that buzz of being a part of something important. We’ve arrived just in time to see the changing of the guards. It’s quite a display, especially considering they never crack a smile during the whole ceremony. I watch, amused, as a couple of teenage boys try everything to break their concentration.
“Was that all you hoped it would be?” Cade teases afterwards. “Because I kind of felt like Buckingham Palace was the thing you say when you can’t think of what you want to do.”
“Laugh all you want, but at least I can say I’ve seen it now,” I snap. Even though I’d had fun, it wasn’t at the top of my trip highlight list. Not that I’m going to admit that he’s right.
“So what do you really want to see?” he presses, studying me. “And if you say Big Ben, I’ll hurl you into that lake over there.” He gestures over his shoulder.
“I don’t know,” I groan, throwing my arms up. “I wasn’t expecting to come to London, so I didn’t have time to research it.”
He snorts and I glare at him.
“Do you research everything?” he chuckles.
“You’re shocked by that?” I retort. “Have you learned nothing about me?”
He laughs again. “Good point. Okay, then let me choose.” He nods, as if he’s just made a life-altering decision. “Right. Two things you have to do in London—and no arguing,” he warns me, pointing his finger at me. “One: ride the London Eye.
“What if I’m afraid of heights?” I challenge. I’m not. I just want to make things difficult.
“You bungee jumped off a bridge six hundred feet in the air. I think you can manage to ride an oversized Ferris wheel,” he replies, patting me on the back. “Number two: fish and chips in a pub with an ice-cold beer to wash it down.”
I laugh. “They’re your must-see sights of London?”
“Hey. Did I judge you when you wanted to go to Verona to see Romeo and Juliet?” he asks, pretending to be hurt.
“Yes,” I retort hotly. “You made fun of me for days.”
“Did I? Huh.” He shakes his head. “I was remembering it differently.” He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me in the direction of the Eye.
“Fine,” I grumble, giving in. I’m secretly happy to let him to plan the day, because I know he’ll do everything he can to distract me. “I’ll do London your way. But then you owe me.”
We arrive at the Eye to find that even though it’s early on a Wednesday morning, the line is huge. It’s like everyone in London woke up with the urge to ride
it today.
“We can leave it and find something else?” Cade offers, seeing my pained expression.
“It’s not that long,” I say, pulling him onto the back of the line. “I’ll be fine.”
It takes about half an hour to reach the front, where we are loaded into the car with a handful of other people. They shut the door and we are jolted up so they can load the next car. I’ve never understood the attraction to Ferris wheels. They’re so slow. It’s like a sloth created a roller coaster. I shift in my seat, trying to get comfortable. I’m sore everywhere today, which tells me I’ve been overdoing things. Will that slow me down? No.
After what feels like forever, the last car is filled and we start moving. I gaze out over the London skyline, mildly impressed. I have to admit, the view from up here is amazing.
“Okay so this is pretty good,” I begrudgingly admit.
Cade grins like a little schoolgirl.
I roll my eyes. “Calm down, I still say we could be doing something more fun.”
“Not with our clothes on,” he quips.
I snort as his comment earns him a glare from the elderly woman sitting next to him.
His face reddens. “Sorry,” he mumbles to her.
We leave the Eye and go in search of a pub to fulfil Cade’s second wish. The thought of any food makes me feel sick, but I’m so thirsty. We choose a friendly looking place with lots of outdoor seating. It’s one of the rare days in England’s winter where the weather is bearable.
I sit down while Cade goes inside to order. My phone sits on the table in front of me, set to vibrate, ready and waiting for the call. Honestly, the wait is killing me. How long does it take to look over a few tests? The damn thing starts vibrating its way towards the edge of the table, causing me to nearly jump out of my chair. I pick it up, my heart skipping a beat when I see the local number. This is it. The moment of truth.
“Hello?” I say.
“Erin, this is Sally Watson, Doctor Penderson’s assistant. He asked me to give you a call to see if you can come in again today?”
“Sure,” I say. My heart races, trying to decrypt what that means.
I end the call and place my phone back on the table. Suddenly everything feels so real. Cade returns with our drinks. He eyes me curiously as he sits down.
“Are you okay? You look kind of green.”
“The doctor’s office called. He wants to see me again today.”
“That’s great news, right? He wouldn’t call you in if it wasn’t good news,” Cade says. “When does he want to see you?”
“Now.”
“Thanks for coming down at such short notice,” Doctor Penderson says, ushering me and Cade inside. “Firstly, I’m happy to give this surgery my best shot if that’s still what you want.”
Holy shit. He is going to operate. I feel sick, nervous, terrified, and excited at the same time. I can’t believe this. I had convinced myself that he wasn’t going to do it.
“Has the tumour grown?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says, his voice grave. “The rate that it is growing, I’d estimate you have maybe a month left at most, without surgery.”
Wow. One month.
It’s a catch-22. If I take a chance, I might die, but if I don’t take a chance I will die.
“Let me run through the risks again now I have a clearer vision of what needs to be done.”
I nod, but I almost don’t want to hear them. I know it’s his job to make sure I’m informed, but this is hard enough making this decision without thinking about the risks.
“There is a three percent chance I can remove all of the tumour with no adverse effects.”
“So there is a ninety-seven percent chance of me dying?” I reply, my voice trembling.
“No.” He pauses and considers his response. “There is a ninety-seven percent chance of something going wrong. Paralysis, vegetation, memory loss, behavioural problems, brain damage…”
Wow. I sit there, still, not moving a muscle. I’d almost just rather die.
“Then on top of all that, if we can’t get it all, the tumour will grow back. The chance of you not surviving the surgery sits at about eighty-five percent.”
“So why do this, then?” I whisper. “Why even try?” Tears sting my eyes.
Cade reaches across and holds my hand.
“Because without it, you will die. It’s up to you, Erin. I understand it’s a big decision, but a three percent chance is better than no chance, isn’t it?”
“So, when would we do this?” I ask, my voice small. I want to be brave, but I can’t pretend. Not in front of him. I glance at Cade. He smiles, his forehead creased with worry.
“As soon as possible. I’ve booked you in for Friday, but you’ll need to let me know by tomorrow morning if you decide you want to go ahead.”
“This Friday?” I squeak. That’s two days away. Two days. I was expecting at least a week to come to terms with it.
“We can’t waste time,” he explains. “I needed to be in there, removing this, yesterday. Every day we wait, it gets more and more complicated and the risks increase.”
I nod and then rub my forehead, feeling yet another headache coming on. I don’t have much of a choice. The risk of dying scares me less than the other risks, because who wants to live like that?
You think I would feel more organised, but I don’t. This is different because it’s happening so soon. It’s not six months from now, or even a week. It’s two days. It’s not something I can tell myself I have time to prepare for, or something I can bluff my way through. I feel all over the place. I’m seconds away from falling apart, because nothing prepares you for something like this.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Erin
My family’s plane arrives just after five Thursday morning because Dad booked the flights before they even had the results back, just in case. Now I know where the planner in me comes from.
I offer to pick them up from the airport, but they insist on catching a cab, which I’m not entirely unhappy about. They arrive at the hotel just before six, where I’m anxiously waiting in the downstairs lobby for them.
I see Calli first and smile. She looks the same, her long blond hair tied back in a messy bun. She spots me and races over, embracing me in a hug so hard she lifts me off the ground. I laugh and order her to put me down. Mum and Dad stand behind her. They’re both smiling, but behind their happy façade, all I can see are sadness and worry.
“Hey,” I say with a smile. I give them a hug and they both wrap their arms around me. I close my eyes and snuggle into the comfort of my parents’ arms. It’s like I’m five years old again and I’ve grazed my knee. The only difference is, this can’t be fixed with a bandage.
“Breakfast is just starting in the restaurant, if you guys are hungry.” I need to keep myself distracted before I fall in a heap. “Or do you want to go and get settled in first?”
They’re staying at a hotel just down the street. I tried to get them rooms here, but because of the international comic convention that’s on, the hotel is fully booked. Why anyone would want to go to a comic convention, I don’t know.
“We didn’t come all this way to spend it in our room,” Dad grumbles.
I grin, because I love his grumbling. It’s comforting, like a big bowl of chicken soup.
He glances over at reception. “Do you think we can leave our bags over there?”
“Andrew!” Mum gasps. “You can’t ask a hotel you’re not staying at to mind your luggage.”
“I don’t see why not,” he argues. “It’s not like we didn’t want to stay here in the first place, is it? It’s not our fault they’re all booked out.”
Mum rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Just don’t drag me into it.”
Dad mutters under his breath and stalks off to the front desk. I giggle to myself. I’ve missed this. The fun banter between my parents is something I’ve always cherished. I love my family so much because I know they’re always there for
each other.
I think about Cade and the lack of support he has from his own family. I can’t imagine being part of something like that.
“So, where is this boy of yours?” Mum asks, raising her eyebrows.
“Oh, you mean the one you paid to come with me to make sure I was safe?” I retort, narrowing my eyes. I smile just so she knows I’m joking. The last thing I want today is drama.
“Yes, that one,” Mum says. “I hear he’s quite a catch.”
“And where would you have heard that?” I glare at Calli.
“What?” She shrugs. “I can’t help if the guy is cute.”
“He’ll be down later,” I say, shaking my head. I can’t keep the smile off my face, because she’s right about one thing: he is pretty damn cute. “He told me to wake him, but he looked so exhausted that I wanted to let him sleep.”
“How’s he handling everything?” Mum asks. Her gentle eyes examine mine, seeing past the mask I’m holding up.
“Better than I am,” I say, managing a smile. “Sometimes I wonder how he’s so strong about everything. If he’s worried about tomorrow, he doesn’t show it to me.”
“It’s amazing what you can do when you feel like you don’t have a choice,” Mum says.
Dad comes back over, a smug look on his face as I ponder Mum’s words. Is that how he feels? Like he has to be strong for my sake?
“All sorted, guys,” he says, smirking like he just solved the world’s most serious problems. “You go ahead and I’ll catch up with you once I sort these out.”
We leave Dad wrangling the bags, and walk over to the restaurant. Breakfast has just started up, and my usually nonexistent appetite sparks up at the sight of fresh blueberry pancakes. I load up my plate and sit down.
Halfway through breakfast, Cade shows up looking dishevelled. He leans over and kisses my forehead.
“You were supposed to wake me,” he chastises softly. He rubs over the light stubble that has formed on his jaw. He smiles at my parents, and I remember that he hasn’t officially met them yet.
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