Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts Book 4)

by Missy Johnson

  “Mum, Dad, this is Cade. Cade, my parents, Andrew and Rose.” I pull him onto the seat next to me, sliding my hand onto his thigh. His fingers entwine in mine as he gently squeezes my hand.

  “Nice to meet you,” Mum says. She raises her eyebrows at me, a knowing grin on her face.

  I cringe inwardly. My mother thinks my boyfriend is cute. Boyfriend. I just called Cade my boyfriend, and it felt good.

  “Don’t I matter?” Calli asks, narrowing her eyes at me. “Where’s my introduction?”

  “You’ve been speaking on the phone for the last two months, remember?” I fire back.

  “Speaking to isn’t the same as meeting them in person,” she argues. She leans across the table, extending her hand. “Hi. I’m Calli.”

  “Nice to meet you, Calli,” Cade chuckles.

  “So, what do you want to do today?” Calli asks, turning her attention back to me. She swipes another piece of fruit from the plate in the centre of the table. “The day is yours.”

  I think about it for a second. “You know what I feel like doing? Having a girls’ day. Just the three of us, and Mel and Nora when they get here.”

  Calli smiles, tears in her eyes. “That sounds great,” she mumbles. I sigh and tap her gently on the hand.

  “No crying, Cal. If you cry, you’ll stay here with Dad and Cade,” I warn.

  “I’m sorry, I can’t help it,” she whispers, wiping her eyes. “I just keep thinking that this might be the last day I ever get to see you, and it makes me sad.”

  “And you might have to put up with me for ten more years,” I point out, my voice gentle. “You don’t know what is going to happen, so stop trying to guess.”

  “Anyone would think that you’re the older sister,” she grumbles. “Okay, no more tears, I promise.” She smiles at me, but I can see it’s still worrying her.

  “Let’s get going, then,” I say lightly. I kiss Cade on the cheek. “Will you be okay?” I ask, meaning can he handle the day with my dad. I’m only slightly nervous at the idea of leaving the two of them together.

  “I’m not going to scare him off,” Dad scoffs. “If he can put up with you, then he can certainly put up with me.”

  “Thanks Dad,” I say, rolling my eyes. I grin to myself as I follow Mum and Calli outside.

  Did I mention how much I love my family?

  We start off our girls’ day by getting manicures and pedicures at a little salon in the city, just down from the hotel. Because every girl wants to look at best when she goes in for major brain surgery, right? As my nail technician puts the final coat of hot pink on my fingernails, it dawns on me that they’re probably going to remove it tomorrow.

  Oh well. At least I can look good today.

  We walk out feeling girly and pretty, trying to decide where to go next. I suggest a mall, because the less I have to walk today the better. We’ve barely even begun our day and I’m already tired. We arrive at the mall just as Mel calls to say she and Nora are at the hotel.

  “Want to come shopping?” I ask her.

  “Hell yeah,” she laughs. “I was born to shop.”

  We wait at the near the entrance for the girls, perched on a bench seat outside a Chinese massage centre.

  “Oh sign me up,” Mum exclaims, making a beeline for one of the vacant chairs. Calli and I roll our eyes at each other, because shopping with Mum is like shopping with a hyperactive toddler. I follow her in and sit down too, mainly because I’m exhausted and I figure a massage can’t hurt.

  As soon as they start working the knots out of my neck, I’m in heaven. It’s incredibly soothing and the it’s most relaxed I’ve been in months, not to mention the good it’s doing for my aching head.

  “Ez!”

  I look up and see Mel and Nora standing there. My masseuse finishes, so I get off my seat and run over to hug them. I nudge my head towards the little Asian man who had been working on me and sigh.

  “That guy and his hands…”

  I shiver and Mel nods, like she catches my drift.

  “You got the special, then?” she asks knowingly.

  Nora and I give her a funny look.

  She flushes and waves us off. “Never mind.”

  I’m still trying to decrypt her comment when Nora pipes up.

  “So, what are we doing? Because someone mentioned shopping, so I need to shop. I’ve been sitting on a plane for the last twenty hours and I’m feeling antsy.”

  “Fine.” I grin, even though I’m just the opposite and about ready to collapse. “Let’s go shop.” I arrange to meet Mum and Cal at a coffee shop in an hour so I can spend some time with my friends.

  We walk around the stores, checking out clothes. I pretend to be interested in some pretty dresses, when in reality I couldn’t care less. All I want to do is sleep, but they’ve come so far to see me, I feel bad for just wanting some me time.

  We meet Mum and Cal for lunch. They all eat, but I’m not hungry because my stomach is regurgitating blueberry pancakes. While I wait for them to finish, I text Cade. I wonder how he’s going with Dad. I bite my lip and smile. I wish I could be a fly on that wall.

  Me: How are you going?

  Cade: Me? Your father is only mildly terrifying. But seriously, we’re fine here. Take your time and enjoy yourself. I miss you.

  Me: I miss you too.

  I almost type I love you when I stop myself. Neither of us has said it yet. I do love him and I know he loves me, but saying the words means something extra special.

  I’ll say it tonight. Just in case I don’t get the chance again. My lip trembles, and just like that, the floodgates open. There I am, sitting in the middle of the food court in a busy London mall, bawling my eyes out, and I just can’t stop.

  The girls and Mum rush to comfort me, but I’m holding onto three months’ worth of tears and a whole lot of fatigue. All my fears, anxieties, and frustrations are bubbling to the surface and I can’t get a grip on them.

  “Can we go back to the hotel?” I sob, barely able to get the words out. All I want is to lie down with Cade.

  “Of course we can,” says Mum in a soothing voice. She stands up and puts her arms around me, holding me close.

  I breathe in, instantly feeling better because it feels good. No matter how old you are, you’re never too old for your mother’s hugs.

  We arrive back at the hotel and I cannot keep awake. Somewhere between the elevators and the room, Cade is carrying me. I smile at him, then close my eyes again, drifting back to sleep.

  **

  It’s after six in the evening when I finally wake, but I feel so much better after a decent sleep. I’m wrapped in Cade’s arms as we lie on our bed. I turn over to face him and he smiles, kissing me softly on the lips. Has he been lying here this whole time, watching me?

  “Hey beautiful,” he grins, kissing the tip of my nose.

  I laugh and swat him away.

  “I was just about to wake you. Your parents are on their way up with pizza. We thought it was easier than making you go out somewhere.”

  “Pizza is good.” I grin. Not going out is even better.

  I quickly get dressed and wash my face, retying my hair. I glance outside. The sun is starting to die down, and every minute that passes sees my anxieties increase. It’s getting way too close. Tomorrow. If I think too hard about it, I can’t breathe. It’s like the walls are closing in on me, crushing me. I take a deep breath. I’m trying so hard to pretend to be strong, and it’s exhausting.

  “I’m sorry you came all this way for a day,” I mumble to everyone in general. The time they’ll be spending on the plane exceeds the time they’ll have here. Whose stupid idea was this?

  “Stop talking like this isn’t going to work,” Calli chastises me, reaching for another slice of pizza. “And it’s not one day, because you’ll need our help after the surgery.”

  If I’m still alive. But then again, if I’m not, I’ll need their help even more.

  “We’d have flown out for an
hour with you, Erin. You know that,” Dad chimes in, throwing his arms around my shoulders. “So stop feeling guilty and let us enjoy being here with you.”

  “Geez, Erin,” Mel teases. “Way to ruin our fun.” Her eyes sparkle.

  I poke my tongue out at her and resume picking away at my uneaten slice of pizza.

  For the next few hours I enjoy being with my family and my friends, but hiding in the back of my mind is reality.

  I’m trying so hard to pretend to be happy for them, but I’m a blubbering mess on the verge of cracking. I need space to get my head right. I don’t want them to leave, but at the same time I can’t wait for them to go so I can release all my emotions on poor Cade.

  Mum watches me thoughtfully. I try to smile, but can’t pull it off. She winks at me, like she can read my mind, and then stands up. “Okay, everyone out. Erin needs a good rest before tomorrow.”

  Tomorrow. There’s that crushing feeling again. I can’t escape it. I smile as Mum rounds everyone up and forces them out in a whirlwind of pizza boxes, noise, and hugs. Finally, they’re gone. I close the door behind them and wander back to the living room with Cade.

  “How are you feeling?” he asks.

  I shrug. I’m strangely calm, as if in just the last few moments, I’ve come to terms with everything. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. I can’t change it. All I’m doing by thinking about it is robbing myself of the time I have left.

  The problem is, in ten minutes I’ll be feeling something else.

  “I’m okay. Tired,” I admit.

  He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck. I smile, closing my eyes, loving his touch.

  “Go get some rest,” he says.

  I turn around and place my arms around his neck.

  “I’ll be right here while you sleep.”

  “I don’t have any intention of sleeping tonight at all,” I reply. “If this is my last night with you, I want to remember it.”

  “Don’t speak like that, Erin.” His dark eyes flash with passion. “I’m not going to lose you. I won’t let that happen.” He pulls me into his arms, embracing me tightly.

  I smile through my tears. I wish I felt just a little bit of his confidence. I don’t want to waste a second of tonight, because it might be my last night with him.

  “Lay down with me?” I whisper.

  He scoops me into his arms and carries me into the bedroom, placing me on the bed. I scoot over so he can join me, then wrap myself in his arms where I feel warm and safe. He leans down and kisses me, pressing his mouth against mine. I wrap my hands around the back of his neck and pull him closer to me. He smiles, tilting my head back so he can kiss my neck. My heart races, not only because of the way his touch makes me feel, but also because I know that this might be the last time we’re together. Stop thinking about tomorrow. Focus only on tonight—the here and now, where it’s just the two of us.

  “You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met.” His kisses engulf me as he presses his mouth against mine. “You’re so strong.”

  “Oh God,” I whisper. A soft moan escapes from my lips as he slides his hands behind my back. They creep under my shirt, his fingers running down my spine.

  “Is this okay?” he whispers.

  I arch my back in response, the sensation both unbearable and incredible at the same time. He touches my thigh, bunching my dress above my hips, then pulls away just long enough to guide my dress over my body and then my head. I reach behind my back to unclasp my bra and slide it over my arms. After I toss it aside, I wrap my arms around his neck and tug the back of his shirt. He takes the hint that I want it gone and peels it off. Smiling, I run my fingers over his bare chest.

  “Take your pants off too,” I whisper, a gleam in my eye.

  He smirks, unbuttoning his jeans and somehow shuffling them off without leaving the bed. I giggle at his talent. He lowers himself down on me until our bodies touch.

  “You have me so worked up,” he mumbles.

  I brush my fingers over his crotch and grin at how hard he is.

  “If you’re going to tease me, you need to do more than that,” he growls.

  “Really?” I chuckle. I hold his gaze as I reach down and stroke his length. I press my mouth against his, kissing him as I tease him. He sighs, throwing his head back.

  “That feels amazing,” he mutters with a groan.

  I gently grind myself against him until he can’t handle any more. I wrap my fingers around his cock and press him against my entrance. I gasp as he pushes himself inside me, my legs curling around his waist. I keep my eyes on his, watching him as he enters me.

  “I love the way you look at me,” he whispers, tenderly stroking my hair. A bead of sweat rolls down his temple as he thrusts himself further inside me, his movements getting faster. “I love you so much, Erin.”

  “I love you too,” I say softly.

  He pushes harder, rocking my thighs against his as his climax intensifies. I can’t take my eyes off him, because I want to remember every second of this. He gasps, gripping hold of my side, and I know that he’s almost there.

  “Oh yeah,” he groans, releasing inside me. His body jerks forward as his body convulses.

  I kiss his shoulder, savouring the feel of him against me as he collapses on top of me. I touch his back, fingers tracing circles over his warm, sweaty skin. My legs wrap tightly around his waist, keeping him close. I don’t want this perfect moment to end, but I’m so exhausted.

  “Did I mention I love you?” he whispers, kissing me gently on the lips.

  “Once or twice,” I murmur. I smile, rolling onto my side where I can get closer to him.

  I close my tired eyes, just for a second, as his fingers gently graze my back. I focus on the sound of his steady breathing. He makes me so happy. How can I possibly die when I feel so alive?

  The tears begin to fall, because I don’t want this to end.

  **

  It’s six in the morning and I’m lying in Cade’s arms, listening to him snore, lost in my own thoughts. Somewhere between sex and now, he fell asleep, but I’ve been awake all night thinking…worrying…wondering…

  My stomach churns. I’m so nervous that I feel sick. I’ve got less than two hours before I need to be at the hospital, but I can’t seem to get myself moving because I love where I am too much, and moving means it’s happening.

  I glance at Cade. Last night was perfect, but it’s overshadowed by fear. I’m so scared that this could be our last few moments together. I snuggle closer, because this might be the last time I will ever feel his arms around me. I close my eyes, determined to savour every second I have left with him.

  He stirs and opens his eyes. They take a moment to register on me, but when they do, he smiles.

  “Morning,” he says sleepily. “What time is it?”

  “After six,” I admit.

  That wakes him up. “We need to get going,” he says. He’s much more alert now. He gets out of bed, then looks back at me, as if it’s dawned on him that I haven’t moved. “Are you okay?” he asks, his voice soft. He lies back down and takes my hand as he leans closer to kiss my mouth.

  “I’m just…” I stop, because the tears are flowing. My voice breaks into loud sobs. “I’m not sure I can do this, Cade. What if I don’t wake up?”

  “Listen to me, Erin, you’re going to be fine. You’ll get through this, and then we’ll have our whole lives ahead of us.” He cradles my face, staring deep into my soul. “I love you so much,” he whispers. His voice breaks, the emotion in his face enough to unleash a fresh round of crying. He kisses me through my salty tears, his eyes glistening.

  “I love you too,” I whisper. I know he’s right. This is what I want. What I’ve always wanted. I slide back the sheets and stand up.

  **

  Arriving at the hospital with my entourage in tow, I put on the bravest face I can muster. My legs feel like they’re made of jelly as I walk through the doors, but at least I’m here. I
made it. I glance at Cade, who smiles and squeezes my hand.

  “You’re going to be fine. I promise,” he whispers in my ear. I know he can’t promise me that, but I take a deep breath and try to believe his words.

  Mum and Dad fuss around me while Calli lets the reception nurse know I’m here. It’s a weird kind of feeling, like I’m not really present. I feel disconnected, like I’m watching all this unfold outside of myself.

  “We have to go, Ezzie.” Mel throws her arms around me, kissing my cheek.

  I turn to Nora and hug her tight.

  “I’m so sorry we can’t stay.”

  The only flights back they could get before Mel’s sister’s wedding on Saturday were today, and I insisted they take them.

  “No, it’s fine,” I say, smiling through my tears. “We’ll catch up when I get home.” The three of us look at one another. They’re worried, like I am, that I won’t be coming home. I shut the thought out of my mind, knowing I need to stay strong.

  “Erin Camden?” A scary-looking nurse calls out my name.

  This is it. I stand up, not sure who to say goodbye to first. Dad decides for me, wrapping his arms around me. He kisses my cheek, holding back tears.

  “I love you, baby. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  “Love you, Daddy,” I whisper. The tears are coming freely now, but I don’t care. I turn to Mum next and embrace her.

  She strokes my hair, like she did when I was little and sick. I close my eyes and for a second I’m back there.

  “Love you, Mum. Don’t cry,” I whisper, wiping a tear from her cheek.

  “I’ll see you soon,” she says.

  “Come here, you.” I envelop Calli in a big hug and kiss her cheek. “Look after Mum and Dad, okay?”

  She nods and holds me tighter. “You can look after them yourself when your better.”

  I kiss her cheek whilst wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. Before I pull away, I whisper in her ear. “If something happens, make sure he’s okay?”

  She pulls away and frowns at me. “You’re going to be fine, okay?”