Locked Inside

by Annette Mori

  I was watching the news when they entered my room. Dad had a pained expression on his face and I got the impression I had missed an important discussion between him and my mom.

  Mom came to me and stroked my hair as she leaned in to kiss my forehead. Dad stood awkwardly by her side and then quickly kissed my cheek.

  They still were not speaking directly to me and it appeared as though they were continuing whatever discussion or argument they were having just prior to entering the room.

  “I just don’t see what harm it would be to ask Belinda a few questions to see for ourselves,” Dad implored.

  “Remember what that other doctor said six years ago? Parents sometimes see what they want to see and attribute the slightest reaction to some kind of communication. I guess I just don’t want us to misread anything. I told Dr. Sullivan we could come, but please don’t make this out to be something it isn’t. It’s not like we didn’t seek multiple opinions before and every one of them told us she would never recover. Her brain was damaged beyond repair,” Mom answered.

  Click Click Click. I heard Dr. Sullivan’s heels before she came into the room. “Thank you for coming. I don’t want to get your hopes up too much, but we’ve seen some minor improvements with Belinda and I wanted to bring you both up to speed. My daughter, Carly, called me yesterday to run a few preliminary tests to confirm what she believes. She insists that Belinda can answer simple yes and no questions by blinking her eyes. I confirmed this yesterday, but I am not a neuroscience expert. I’ve contacted the Neuroscience Institute at Virginia Mason Medical Center to arrange for more in-depth testing, but the soonest they are able to test Belinda is sometime in December. I’m sorry it’s not sooner. I’m cautiously optimistic with these new developments.”

  “Do you think after these tests, we’ll be able to determine whether she really can understand us?” Dad asked.

  “Absolutely. They are the leading neuroscience center in the state. We’ll know a lot more after those tests. Sometimes patients can see, hear, and comprehend everything, but are unable to respond in the more traditional mode of communication,” Dr. Sullivan explained.

  Yes. Finally we were getting somewhere. I desperately wanted my parents to understand this.

  “Feel free to try to communicate more with your daughter. It certainly can’t hurt. I believe Carly and Belinda have worked out that one blink means yes, two blinks means no, and three blinks means I don’t know. I’ll leave you to your visit.”

  Dr. Sullivan turned to leave and then, as if as an afterthought, she pivoted on her heels and waved to me. “Goodnight, Belinda.”

  Mom burst into tears. “Oh, Leonard. I can’t, I just can’t afford to get my hopes up again to have them squashed. Do you really think Belinda can understand us?”

  Dad pulled my mom into his arms and wrapped them around her body. “Shh. It’s okay. It’s been six years, a few more months won’t make a monumental difference. We’ll get through this together like we have been. This is good news. I’m cautiously optimistic for the first time since Belinda got sick.”

  Mom disengaged herself from Dad and swiped away her tears. She sat down next to me and tenderly pushed a lock of hair away from my face. “Belinda, do you know who I am?” she asked.

  I blinked once.

  New tears flooded her eyes, but she smiled. Dad walked to the other side and patted my shoulder.

  “Are you in any pain or discomfort right now?” she asked.

  I rapidly blinked twice. I didn’t want her to worry any more than she already was.

  Mom looked up at Dad. “Oh, Leonard, do you think our baby is really coming back to us?” she asked.

  “I want to believe it’s true. We have nothing to lose if we remain hopeful. Belief is a powerful force. It’s time we set aside all those naysayers who told us she would never be able to communicate or care for herself.”

  Mom nodded and grabbed my hand. “I’ve been so stupid. I never should have listened to them.” She kissed my cheek. “Can you ever forgive me for losing my faith in you, my precious baby girl?”

  I blinked once.

  She pulled me toward her as she hugged me and held on like I might slip from her grasp at any moment. It felt desperate, but hopeful.

  Mom and Dad did their best to ask yes and no questions. They weren’t as good as Carly. No one was. However they did get better every time they visited. It was a start.

  Chapter Seven

  Carly and I fell into an easy routine during the next few months as she would visit each day around lunchtime. Sometimes she would bring me a treat and sometimes she would feed me whatever the kitchen prepared. It didn’t matter that much to me as long as Carly was the one to feed me. I lost my insecurities and inhibitions around Carly because she never made me feel like an invalid or a burden.

  I guess the center that would eventually test my abilities really didn’t have any openings for several months because Dr. Sullivan wasn’t able to get an appointment until December, still almost three months away. I’d like to say I waited patiently for my chance to prove I was still inside and had more complicated thoughts and feelings than simply my need to eat and sleep. Each day that I missed the opportunity to prove my abilities had a profound effect on my outlook on life. My only joy was Carly’s visits.

  Carly desperately tried to advocate on my behalf and would pester her mom no less than once a week to see if somehow they had moved my name up on their waiting list. Unfortunately, neither Carly nor her mom had any pull with the famous testing center.

  Mom and Dad started visiting more frequently and took a page out of Carly’s book by reading to me off and on between questions that only required a yes or no answer.

  One week before my testing date, Carly came bounding into the room. The chilly winter weather had left a bright red flush on her cheeks, noticeable as she removed her heavy, down-filled coat.

  “Hey, Belinda. I brought you some homemade chili today. I know it’s not very epicurean of me to bring plain old chili, but I made it myself. I love my word of the day today—epicurean—it means devoted to the pursuit of sensual pleasure, particularly in the pursuit of gourmet food.” In the blink of an eye, she switched topics. “Are you excited about next week?” she asked.

  I blinked once to let her know I was.

  During the three months, I’d made incremental improvements in my ability to move my hands and arms. They were no longer completely atrophied. I was able to weakly squeeze back when Carly would take my hand. I could also move my arms a little bit. My fine motor skills were nearly non-existent, but at least I had movement. I probably resembled someone with severe cerebral palsy. As usual, Carly took my hand and held it. I squeezed back in greeting.

  “Christmas is just around the corner. Do you know what I want for Christmas?” she asked.

  I knew she wasn’t really expecting me to respond, but I gave my three blink answer to indicate I didn’t know.

  “More than anything, I want you to show those naysayers and yahoos just how smart you are when you go for testing. I’m not even religious and I’ve been praying to every god there is that you’ll knock their socks off next week.”

  She impulsively kissed my cheek and I felt my face flush when her lips made contact with my skin.

  “I have a dream—” She chuckled. “God, I sound like Dr. Martin Luther King, but honestly, I’ve been dreaming that we’ll go off to college together, be roommates and best friends until we graduate, get our own apartment, and venture out into the big bad world together.” She sighed.

  I wanted that too, but I still had so much to overcome. First, I had to prove I was smart enough to get my high school diploma after missing six years and then I had to get into a college. Carly told me about the Americans with Disabilities Act and assured me that they would have to accommodate me if I could prove that I was intelligent enough to make it through four years of college.

  Almost as if the train jumped the tracks, she was off on another topic. “I’m
gonna tell Tammie tomorrow. I know she has a huge crush on Jacob and it’s just cruel to let her believe that I’ll ever be interested in him as anything more than a friend. Of course, I have to tell Jacob first. I have to admit he’s been awfully patient with me. I never let him do anything more than a brief, definitely chaste kiss on the lips. Sometimes I wonder if he’s gay, because he never pushes for more and it’s almost like we’re best friends rather than a couple. If he is gay, that will crush Tammie. I know she only hangs around me because of Jacob. She’s just waiting for the big break up so she can rush in and comfort him. I’m tired of playing the game. I feel almost dirty letting people believe something that isn’t true. Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” she asked.

  I blinked my acknowledgement, but what did I know about teenage angst and the right decisions to make.

  “Thanks for your support, Belinda, because I just might lose every last friend I have after I tell Tammie. She isn’t exactly known for her ability to use discretion. It’s just so exhausting pretending to be someone I’m not. No matter what happens, I’m just tired of the big lie.”

  She was holding my hand and I concentrated on giving her the biggest squeeze I was able to manage just to let her know I was on her side.

  “Hey, you’re really improving. I seriously felt that. One of these days you’ll be running a marathon and making keynote speeches about your experiences.”

  I felt my lips curve upward in appreciation of her belief in my ability to recover.

  “I asked my mom if I could come with you to your big testing appointment. She’s thinking about it. At least it wasn’t a no. I want to be there with you when you triumph over all the obstacles that cross your path.”

  Carly mentioned this so nonchalantly—like it wasn’t a big deal—but to me it meant everything. Truer words were never spoken, because she was there for every one of my accomplishments—big and small.

  I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with Carly, maybe it was the first time I saw her walk into the room, or maybe it was on this day when she made this declaration. It took me a long time to figure out that I was in love with her. I couldn’t let myself feel that way, not because I had any issue with loving another girl, but because I didn’t want to be a lifetime burden on anyone. It was clear to me that a burden was exactly what I was to my family. So the concept of doing that to a life partner just wouldn’t compute in any scenario I could devise about my future.

  Carly reached into the backpack she always carried with her and pulled out a new book. She looked down and wouldn’t meet my eyes at first. I could tell she was nervous about reading this new book to me.

  When she grabbed my hand again, I squeezed with all my might to show her it was okay. Whatever she wanted to share with me would be fine.

  “I googled lesbian romance novels on Amazon and this one kept coming up as one of the best so I bought it.”

  I looked down at the book in her hand—An Emergence of Green by Katherine V. Forrest.

  “If you don’t want me to read this to you, I can pull out another book,” she added quickly.

  I just looked at her because she hadn’t asked a yes or no question.

  “Do you want me to read the other book instead?” she asked when she realized I couldn’t quite respond to her earlier statement.

  I quickly blinked twice to let her know that I was okay with the first book.

  Her mouth formed a shy smile and she opened the book to the first page and began reading and continued reading for the next two hours.

  It was Friday and the high school had let the students out early for Christmas break. I felt special because Carly had decided to spend the whole afternoon with me.

  When it was time for her to go, I was completely enthralled in the book. I wasn’t sure if she would come to read to me on Saturday or Sunday because that was when my family came to visit and sometimes she thought it best to let me have time with them without interruption, but I hoped she would continue reading the book to me on Monday. This should have been my first clue that maybe Carly and I were not so different after all.

  Carly glanced down at her watch and closed the book. She sighed loudly. “Well, time to face the music. I have a date with Jacob tonight and I’ve decided to break the news before I meet up with Tammie tomorrow.” She touched her index finger to her nose. “Hmm, I wonder if I should tell him before or after the movie. What do you think? Before the movie?”

  I blinked twice because I didn’t think that was a very good idea.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right. I should tell him after. No sense in ruining a perfectly good movie. Ooh, how about this…I might as well maintain a nice halcyon evening.” She giggled. “Halcyon is my word for the day. It means calm, peaceful, or tranquil. Odd that I should find a way to weave that in, considering what I’m planning on doing.”

  Carly seemed to contemplate her decision. “I know it’s kind of selfish of me, but I really want to see this movie. It’s supposed to be a good movie with a good message on discrimination. I heard that Clint Eastwood gives an Oscar worthy performance.”

  I must have expressed my surprise somehow, reacting to her giving accolades to Clint Eastwood.

  “No, really, this is supposed to be one of his best roles. The movie’s called, Gran Torino. I’ll tell you all about it on Sunday. Of course, I’ll have to give you an update on my big confession. Should I wait to tell my parents?” she asked.

  I blinked three times because I didn’t have the slightest notion whether it was a good idea or not to come out to her parents. Dr. Sullivan seemed like she was open-minded and she was always gentle and kind with me, but I didn’t know how Carly’s dad would react.

  “Fair enough. I don’t know either. I think I’ll wait to see what happens with Jacob and Tammie.”

  She stood up and stretched before placing the book in her backpack. She kissed me on my cheek again before breezing out the door. I guess this would be a new tradition of ours. I didn’t mind it one bit. She waved to me as she left the room. I wanted to touch my face where she’d kissed me, but at this point, my arms and hands were not that coordinated. Movement was still relatively limited.

  Carly always doled out affection without restraint and I wanted to one day be able to return the favor. At least, she was affectionate with me and I just assumed that she was with everyone.

  I relaxed into my chair and prepared myself for another boring Friday night. Someday I would be one of those lucky people to go out on a date. I would just have to bide my time until my body cooperated with my brain. I saw my body as a traitor, an enemy, a betrayer, and my beliefs remained my biggest barrier until I started to view my body differently. As a result, my progress was slow.

  Chapter Eight

  For the first time since I’d become aware of my surroundings, my entire family came to visit. Maybe it was because it was close to Christmas or maybe they truly began to believe that I would completely recover with Carly continuing to badger everyone about my capabilities. Regardless of the true reason, I managed to see a glimmer of hope in this new occurrence.

  Fran looked so grown up. She was eighteen now—not the gawky twelve year old she had been before my illness took me away from my family. When we were younger, Fran and I looked a lot alike, almost like twins. She was so beautiful now and I wondered if I would ever grow into a beauty like Fran. There was no hesitation from Fran as she confidently strode into the room. Although I didn’t know why she hadn’t ever visited before, I got the impression that it wasn’t her choice to avoid the rehab center. She was the first to greet me as she came and kissed my cheek.

  “You go, Bels, I know you’re in there,” she whispered in my ear. “I believe Carly and I believe in you. You’ve always been able to do whatever you put your mind to.”

  Evie, on the other hand, entered the room with a great deal of trepidation. Her head hung down and she barely met my eyes as she briefly looked up. I wondered if she thought that she would somehow catch wh
at I had and then she too would become a cripple for life. She kept a polite distance from me, leaning against the wall while the rest of my family greeted me.

  Mom grasped my hand and smiled at me. “You look good today, Belinda.”

  I managed to squeeze her hand just a little bit and if I’d been more able, I would have done a happy dance to her response.

  The light in her eyes came to life. “Oh, honey. I felt that. Maybe Carly is right. Maybe you will completely recover from this.”

  Dad leaned and kissed my forehead. He turned to Mom. “She does look good, doesn’t she?” Dad glanced at Evie. “Aren’t you going to greet your sister, Evie?”

  Evie glanced up and mumbled a greeting. “Hi, Belinda.” There wasn’t any enthusiasm or love attached to her greeting.

  Fran pushed her shoulder. “What the hell is wrong with you? You act like Belinda has some contagious disease or something.”

  “Language, Fran. Give your sister a little time to get used to seeing Belinda,” Mom interjected.

  “Are you freakin’ kidding me? You keep us from seeing her for months after learning that she’s started to respond and now you give Evie a free pass to be rude?” Fran spit out.

  “Shh, I don’t want either of you upsetting Belinda,” Mom stated.

  “Dad, are you going to let this slide too?” Fran huffed.

  “Now, Fran, give it a rest. This has been a trying time for all of us,” Dad replied.

  “Unbelievable. I don’t know why you even bother to visit. You don’t even talk to her like she’s a normal human being. I don’t give a shit what either of you say, I’m coming to visit more often because I won’t get much of a chance when I head back to college. I hope all those supposed experts choke on the crow they’ll be eating when Carly’s observations prove dead on after her tests.”