Locked Inside

by Annette Mori

  A tiny blue gem represented the eye and inlaid turquoise and lapis added stunning color to the body and wings. It was beautiful. Carly somehow found out that I had a thing for hummingbirds and picked out the perfect charm to complement the bracelet.

  She turned the bracelet to reveal the engraved message—Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. The clasp was something easy to connect, probably because she figured I would eventually want to put in on and take it off by myself before showering. I hadn’t progressed that far yet, so she undid the clasp and wrapped the gift around my wrist.

  I smiled and would have laughed aloud if at this point I was capable of vocalizing my joy. I’d gotten Carly something very similar.

  “I hope that your smile is an indication that you like it,” she teased.

  I loved it, but could only nod to let her know how much I appreciated the gift. I would somehow convey my emotions by wearing her gift every day for the rest of my life—never taking it off except when I showered.

  Carly grinned and grabbed the box on the dresser. Again, she carefully unwrapped the box. When she opened her gift and saw a similar leather bracelet, only with a dragonfly charm in the center, she burst out laughing. I knew how much she adored dragonflies. It was almost an obsession of hers. She must have sensed there was more because she flipped it to read the engraving. Be yourself, everyone else is already taken and I love who you are.

  “I love it. I’ll wear it always.” She kissed my cheek and lingered there for a minute.

  It was quite the challenge to get Fran to pick the exact phrase I wanted engraved on the underside of the leather. She googled various sayings and asked me about each one until I blinked my way to the perfect saying.

  Carly winked at me. “I’ll tell your sister thank you later because I’m sure she was your co-conspirator in choosing this gift. I got yours the day we went to see the Christmas lights. That was why I wouldn’t show you the package. I had to go back to get it engraved.”

  I smiled back at her.

  “Hey, the other reason I came by besides exchanging these gifts was to ask if you would be my date for New Year’s.”

  I nodded and smiled.

  “Of course I’ll clear it with your parents, but they’re having a teen event and I thought it would be nice to get you out of the house,” she enthused.

  I agreed. Besides, I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to ring in the New Year with.

  I would always remember 2009 fondly. Although it would have been the perfect chance for Carly to give me a real kiss, I didn’t end up getting my first true kiss from Carly until years later. I suppose we were both still figuring out our feelings for one another and at this point, we both regarded the other as best friends—nothing more.

  Chapter Twelve

  It’s amazing what a dash of hope will do to the spirit. After the holidays, I began a regimented physical therapy program. I don’t believe I ever worked harder in my whole life and I don’t think I ever will again.

  My greatest frustration was the inability to utilize the computer to type the words always floating around in my head. Math was difficult without the ability to do the problems on my own. I could only go so far with Carly showing me how to get from the problem to the solution. It wasn’t her fault.

  It took two months for my progress to advance enough to try typing on a computer. My fine motor skills were still seriously lacking.

  I wanted to make Carly laugh, so when she suggested I give it a try, I typed, sdghoiyt. I was going for shit this is hard, but never got past trying to type shit. I have no idea how she figured it out, but she did.

  “Why, Belinda, you potty mouth—were you trying to type shit?” she asked.

  At this point, I’d progressed to nodding or shaking my head instead of blinking my answers. I could even manage a shrug to indicate I didn’t have the foggiest, freaking idea. I nodded at her and tossed an impish grin in her direction.

  “Don’t worry. It was only your first attempt, you’ll get better at it,” she encouraged.

  I did get better at it. I was still a clumsy thumbsy—a lot—but a few months later, I was able to type well enough to get my point across. In some ways, using a tablet and writing was easier because I didn’t have to strike those itty bitty keys.

  We started using a tablet to work through math problems and Carly was always very encouraging even though I felt like an idiot working on basic adding, subtracting, multiplication, and division, before she introduced pre-algebra and finally algebra. Math was never going to be one of my strong points, but I just needed to advance enough to pass the GED and meet the math requirements in college.

  Carly handed me my tablet, after my feeble attempt to type shit. I wrote in big cursive letters, this sucks big hairy gorilla tits.

  Carly laughed. “Okay, smarty pants, back to our math lesson.”

  Killjoy, I wrote.

  Mom was true to her word and had taken a six-month leave of absence. Carly visited so often, she became a part of the family. Mom, Dad, Fran and even Evie grew to love her. I felt bad for Carly’s mom. She had to feel somewhat abandoned. Once a week Carly would make sure she set aside mother daughter bonding time. It was usually on Sundays, her mom’s day off. Sometimes Fran would come home for the weekend and she would hang out with me on Sundays, other times Dad and Mom would take me on various excursions so I didn’t feel locked inside our home. I was just so happy to be out of the rehab center, that every day was an adventure.

  When my motor skills progressed enough to operate an e-book reader, Mom would download everything from contemporary fiction to high school textbooks that would prepare me for my GED. It was her version of home schooling. What I desperately wanted to read about was how someone knew they were gay or not, but I didn’t know how to get my hands on those kinds of books without Mom knowing about it. Carly had a lot of books about that and lesbian fiction, but except for when she was reading to me, she never shared them with me. I was too shy and embarrassed to ask her about it.

  I knew a GED and home schooling probably wasn’t as impressive to the admissions departments of the major colleges as a regular high school diploma, but when Mom approached me with the thought of trying to reintegrate back into high school, I adamantly refused. The few times I’d gone out, people stared and I just wasn’t comfortable enough to make the leap to public school. I knew Carly would have my back, but it was one more obstacle that I wasn’t willing to take on.

  It was no surprise to any of us that Carly was the driving force behind my acceptance to the University of Washington in Seattle, pending a certain score on the GED and Scholastic Aptitude Test, or SAT as it was more commonly referred to. She pounded down doors, made appointments with various administrators, and was a big, fat pain in the ass to everyone. Finally, she brought the media to their doorstep, threatening to prove they were being discriminatory in their review of my application until they gave in to the pressure and considered it.

  They did, however, insist that I write an essay for them and if I impressed them enough with my writing, they would grant me an interview. Carly, of course, made sure that they provided accommodations during the interview. She had to explain to them that I could communicate through my electronic tablet and they needed to be patient enough to let me write my answers. It wasn’t pretty when I wrote, but it worked because I could use my finger to sloppily write my answers.

  I wrote about my experiences with locked-in syndrome and why I wanted to attend their university. Many years later, a woman on the admissions committee told me that my essay brought her to tears and she wasn’t surprised when I decided to pursue an English degree. She insisted that accepting me to the university was one of the best decisions she’d ever made.

  †

  When I finally got the acceptance letter in the mail on October 15, 2009, Carly squeezed me so tight that I grunted. It was the first real sound that had come out of my mouth. Carly was too excited about the news to notice the grunt or I
was sure she would have said something. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but I suppose I should have given it more weight as a major breakthrough.

  More than a year had passed since that first day when I woke up to my new reality. Although it was only Thursday, Carly had big plans for the coming Saturday. She’d read about a kiteboarding race at Magnussen Park on Lake Washington and convinced my parents that it would be a fun event to attend. She insisted that if we were going to be Seattleites soon, we might as well get to know our way around the city.

  After her bone-crushing hug, she impulsively kissed me on the lips and squealed her elation at the news. “It’s all coming true, Belinda. We’re going to the UW together. Nothing will stop us now. I knew they would let you in after you wrote your essay. It was beautiful.”

  I don’t think she thought much about the kiss, but I ruminated about it for the next week. I wondered what it meant. Did she care for me as more than a friend?

  By this time, I’d progressed enough to operate a computer even though a tablet was often easier and faster. I typed my response. Do you really think they’ll let me live in the dorms with you?

  “Count on it. You can take that to the bank. I’m gonna start my research right now and find out which dorm accommodates students in wheelchairs.” She reached for my laptop. “Can I borrow this for a sec? I want to do a little research right now.”

  I smiled and nodded.

  Her fingers flew over the keys and I watched as she got that adorable intense concentration look on her face. Sometimes I would just watch her as she dug into whatever task absorbed her focus. Carly was a natural beauty and she got more magnificent as the months wore on. When she was fixated on something, I was able to watch her without her realizing what I was doing.

  “They have an application that we need to fill out to request an accessible room. It looks like we can even get one with our own bathroom. Everything is falling into place. All we need to do is select disability accommodation needed on the housing form. I think we should apply right away to make sure we can get a double room together.”

  She turned the laptop in my direction. “Look here, there’s a disability resource center that you can register with. I knew that UW would be the perfect place to go to school. Western is okay, but it’s time you and I got out and spread our wings, and going to school in your own town would definitely not give us the same freedom as going away. Besides, UW practically has the best academic reputation in the state.”

  Carly turned the laptop back to me as I slowly typed my answer to her. Carly, you don’t have to do all the research. I’ve got nothing better to do all day. I’ll take care of submitting the application and finding out about the resources available, but I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. You’re the best friend I could ever hope for.

  She pushed back a lock my hair and her finger lingered on my cheek as her eyes watered. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had too. You make me smile and laugh and you never judge.”

  How could I possibly judge someone else?

  “Hey, are you totally stoked for our outing on Saturday?” Carly rapidly switched topics.

  You bet. I’ve never seen a kiteboarding race—giggle giggle—I don’t even know what kiteboarding is, I typed.

  “Well, look it up, Miss I’ve Got Nothing Else Better To Do.” She laughed out loud.

  I pushed her shoulder.

  “You know, I can tell how much stronger you’re getting, next thing I know you’ll be punching me on the arm and leaving a bruise.”

  I didn’t hurt you, did I?

  “No, you silly goose. I was just remarking on how much progress you’ve made. I’ll bet you’ll be able to transfer yourself in and out of the car in no time. I’m starting to see muscle definition in your beautiful arms. Very sexy. You’ll be fighting off the guys in no time.”

  First, I didn’t think that was really true. I wasn’t remotely close to being able to get myself in and out of a chair. Feeding myself was the major accomplishment of the year. I didn’t have any misconceived notions about my attractiveness to the opposite sex. I knew what I was—a person with a severe disability. Second, something about attention from a guy was definitely not appealing to me.

  Doubtful, I typed.

  Carly waved her hand at me. “Trust me, it won’t take long for everyone to take notice of you.”

  That’s what I was afraid of. I didn’t want anyone to take notice, I wanted to remain in the shadows. People can’t help themselves. Whenever I ventured out, I received outright stares, or there were those folks who desperately tried not to look. Both responses were unsettling. I suppose I should have been used to this by now, especially since I’d had to depend on so much help from everyone, but I was entering a whole new phase in my life and I wanted more independence and less focus on my disability. I just didn’t know how to help people understand that as long as they treated me like I was severely handicapped, that’s exactly what I would always be.

  Maybe I’m not interested in guys. The words looked large and scary spread across the screen of the laptop. There—I’d put it out there—a tiny hint that maybe I was struggling with my own sexuality.

  Carly just stared at me as if I was some big math problem that needed solving. She looked like she was on the verge of putting all the clues together and then she just shook her head.

  “Fran called and told me that Brad and she were coming up for the weekend. I told her she should just stay put and meet us at the park on Saturday. Does she know you got in?”

  I haven’t had the chance to tell anyone yet, you’re the first to know. Remember you brought the mail in. Mom and Dad don’t even know.

  Carly smacked her head. “Oh, yeah, I forgot. You don’t think they’ll have a problem with you moving with me to Seattle, do you? I know they made you apply to Western because they thought it might be easier on you. Damn, maybe we should work on getting you a scholarship to UW—that way the choice will be easy. Have you heard back from Western yet?”

  No, not yet, I typed.

  “Hmmm, let’s get Brad and Fran to help. We need a plan.”

  Maybe they’re right. It would be easier to go to Western. You shouldn’t have to be my home health aide and my roommate. It’s not fair to you.

  “Don’t even think that. By the time we go to college, you could be walking again. You never know.”

  I gave her the look that said fat chance, but Carly was not discouraged. She was more stubborn than I was.

  “Okay, brainiac, I don’t have much more time until I have to go back to school. Tammie keeps stirring things up. She started this new club called Christians for Moral Integrity and guess what their first order of business is?”

  I shrugged.

  “She went to the administration to stop them from allowing the Gay Straight Alliance Club from forming. She caught wind of my plans and those school board douchebags are listening. She also said we shouldn’t be able to flaunt our depravity in front of anyone. Translated that means no gay couples at any of the dances and if we so much as hug in front of anyone, her club goes ballistic. I was kinda surprised she knew what the word depravity even meant. Anyway, I have a meeting with the principal tonight.”

  Good luck. I know you’ll convince them that what you’re doing is the right thing and Tammie is just a shrew in cheerleader attire. I kind of hate her.

  “Well, you know that when I first told Mom, after all those horrible Facebook posts, she wasn’t exactly thrilled, but now she’s one hundred percent behind me. She keeps asking if I have a girlfriend yet. It’s kind of annoying.”

  I knew she didn’t have a girlfriend yet because I was sure she would have told me, but I really wanted to know if maybe someone had caught her eye. I couldn’t bring myself to ask the question. Lately she’d been talking about this girl in her class named Darian who she categorized as cool. She wanted to bring her by sometime to meet me and I didn’t know how
I felt about that. I didn’t have any right to be jealous, but I was. I couldn’t really blame Carly for wanting to spend time with Darian, but I didn’t have to like it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The months flew by as I concentrated on my studies and Carly completed her senior year of high school. The year had ups and downs for both of us.

  I studied hard because math was still very challenging for me and I wanted to prove not only to myself, but to everyone else, that I could make it in college. I figured if I could ace the GED exam and do well on some of the entry placement tests, I would address everyone’s concerns about my ability to make it through college.

  I’d done some research and found that I could take a placement exam for math, chemistry, and Spanish. Carly was a wiz at math and chemistry and helped me a great deal with those two subjects. Foreign languages came easy to me, so I helped her with her Spanish. Since Carly wanted to do something in the medical field, probably physical therapy, it was a good thing she was good at the sciences. She thought Spanish would be helpful if she decided to work in an area of Washington where there was a high Hispanic population. There was a great need for medical professionals in Eastern Washington where many of the farming communities depended on migrant labor.

  For a few months, the budding relationship with Darian pre-occupied Carly and cut into our time together. I’d guessed correctly and as Carly fought the good fight for the Gay Straight Alliance, Darian’s support and friendship grew to something more. There was no way for me to compete with the outspoken, confident, out and proud transfer student.

  Carly seemed happy for those few months, but I could tell something was missing with her connection to Darian and I hoped that she wouldn’t end up heartbroken in the end.

  When I learned about Darian’s plans to go to Berkeley instead of the University of Washington, I was selfishly relieved. I didn’t want to share my friendship with Carly and I felt guilty for that. Of course, all along I encouraged her friendship and her exploration of her sexuality. I knew this was important and as her best friend, my support was crucial, even though it broke my heart that I wasn’t the one she would be exploring this new territory with.