Locked Inside

by Annette Mori

It turns out that it was a very accepting group of women and no one even gave me a second glance as I grooved to, “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. I spun my chair around and let the breeze flow across my face. I was having fun. I was on a date. Somebody thought I was attractive. I felt like I’d just won the Trifecta.

  Carly and Abbie danced to the corner of the dance floor where Quinn and I were moving to the beat of the music.

  “Looking good, Belinda. Save the next good song for me, okay?” Carly asked.

  I nodded.

  I saw Carly’s eyes shift to the warehouse entrance and a huge grin appeared on her face. I glanced in the direction she was looking and saw an attractive gay couple confidently stride into the open room. They were obviously a couple because their hands were linked together. One of the guys looked like a linebacker and I thought he might play for the UW football team. As they came closer, I recognized that Jacob was the other handsome part of the duo.

  “I knew it,” Carly declared. She pointed her hand at Jacob and shouted, “Jacob, get your big gay ass over here and start your groveling right now. I deserve a big bucket of thank yous for being your cover, you big coward.”

  Jacob walked to us with his date and started laughing. “Yeah, I guess you do. How’s it going, Carly?” Jacob pointed to the linebacker. “This is Geoff, we met when I walked on to the UW football team. I’m a bench warmer, but Geoff is the real deal. He’ll probably go pro.” Jacob beamed with pride.

  I waved at Jacob and he narrowed his eyes. “Belinda, it’s nice to see you again. Who’s your friend?”

  Quinn stuck out her hand. “Quinn.”

  I suspect Abbie felt left out of the conversation when she interjected, “So you’re the douchebag who left Carly holding the bag when she came out?”

  “Yeah. Not one of my prouder moments. Sorry, Carly. You deserved better,” Jacob confessed.

  “Hey, it’s okay. You redeemed yourself at the festival. I bet you paid dearly for that with Tammie. I didn’t tell Abbie that little nugget, so she only heard half the story,” Carly explained.

  Jacob stuck out his hand for Abbie. “You must be Abbie. Carly’s the best, treat her right, okay?”

  “Better than you did,” Abbie mumbled.

  I think I was the only one who heard Abbie’s retort because everyone was still smiling. I thought to myself that I sure hoped that Abbie would treat Carly well because she certainly deserved that.

  Jacob and Geoff took off for the dance floor and Abbie dragged Carly in the same direction.

  When Carly wasn’t wrapped in Abbie’s arms, she was glancing at me. I kept giving her the thumbs up signal to let her know I was doing fine and having a good time.

  It nearly killed me when Abbie captured Carly’s mouth in a lip lock that left nothing to the imagination. She was marking her territory as surely as if she had urinated on Carly’s leg.

  Quinn saw the look on my face and rolled me outside for some fresh air.

  “Do I even have a chance?” Quinn asked.

  A tear leaked out and I angrily brushed it aside. Friends first and then maybe we’ll see what happens. Okay?

  “Okay.” She smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek.

  I really did like Quinn and if I wasn’t so in love with Carly, I think that maybe we could make it work. For her part, she was the most patient loving person a gal could wish for as a first girlfriend. She deserved better. I knew that.

  I heard the first stanza of “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross, which as it turns out was a crowd pleaser no matter what generation the song played to.

  Carly poked her head out the door and caught my eye. She grabbed my hand and started pulling. “Come on, Belinda, dance with me.”

  I looked apologetically to Quinn and she just waved at me as if to say, go ahead, I can wait for you.

  Abbie was frowning as she walked outside and stood next to Quinn. She probably wanted to drill her about me, but I was convinced that Quinn would remain her normal uncommunicative self.

  Carly looked so carefree and happy. I never wanted to be the cause of pain or confusion for her, so I didn’t confess either secret to her that night. I let her get involved with Abbie. It would be a mistake I would regret for a very long time.

  Quinn and I stayed another half an hour before heading back to the dorm.

  Carly’s head was tilted back laughing at something Abbie was saying.

  I decided to sneak out without saying goodbye. I didn’t want to interrupt Carly’s first college date.

  †

  When we got back to the dorm room, it was nearly eleven o’clock and I was exhausted. Quinn escorted me to my door and hesitated before going back to her own tiny space. I could tell she wasn’t sure whether to kiss my cheek or attempt something slightly more intimate.

  When your date is more than six feet tall and you’re in a wheelchair, figuring out how to say goodbye is awkward at best.

  I looked up at her and curled my finger signaling her to come a bit closer. She squatted to my level and I grabbed one of her hands with my left hand. I simply wrote, Thanks, a with my free right hand.

  “My pleasure,” she replied and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.

  I turned my head and caught her lips in a brief kiss, signaling that I was open to the possibility of more.

  The smile she gave me could have lit up all of New York City.

  “Goodnight, Belinda. Eight o’clock?” she asked.

  I nodded, letting her know I would see her tomorrow morning for an eight a.m. workout.

  After rolling into my room, I proceeded to get ready for bed, which was a bit of an ordeal since I was so tired. I missed my nighttime routine with Carly.

  Carly ended up stumbling into the room two hours later and I could smell the alcohol oozing out of her pores.

  I’d waited up for her, lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. When she bumped against her bed and giggled, I pretended I was asleep. I sure hoped she wouldn’t have a massive hangover in the morning or remain slightly intoxicated for her early morning class.

  As it turns out, I worried for naught because she blew off her first class and snored right through my workout and shower. I wondered if this would be an on-going pattern of behavior for her. It wasn’t the essence of Carly and I didn’t want Abbie to unduly influence her.

  College is an exploration of sorts for many people and most students pushed the boundaries their first year. I wanted to believe that Carly would just spread her wings a little bit and then things would return to normal.

  I was the odd freshman who didn’t venture into the more dangerous territory of alcohol and drugs. I had to work hard to prove myself and didn’t have the luxury of screwing off, so I didn’t. For most students, this was a stage they went through—no harm, no foul—but for some it was a spiral into the abyss. I would have to wait and see which category Carly fell into.

  Chapter Seventeen

  For the next three weeks, Carly went out almost every night with Abbie, but fortunately limited her more intense partying for the weekends.

  On weeknights, she would come back to the room around nine or ten o’clock at night and it felt like something major shifted between us. Our conversations were brief and stilted. What had come to be our nightly ritual ceased during those first three weeks until our first major disagreement realigned our relationship. It wasn’t quite the same, but it was close.

  I’ve always regretted our first argument, but I couldn’t stand by any longer and watch as Carly danced so close to the edge. I was afraid that she would eventually tumble into a dark territory that would be hard to find her way back from.

  On the third Saturday after that first LBGT mixer, Carly ran straight into the bathroom after she stumbled in at three o’clock in the morning. I could hear the violent sounds of her vomiting as she expulsed whatever mixture of alcohol she’d imbibed on that evening.

  Bleary eyed, she walked unsteadily to her bed and groaned as she sat down.

  I pulled
myself up and waved my finger in the air signaling that I wanted her to turn on the light. I grabbed my tablet and scribbled out an angry, what the fuck are you doing to yourself?

  Somehow she managed to flip the switch and landed hard back on her bed. She glanced back in my direction and read my tablet. “What do you care, you’re always hanging out with the giant now?” she slurred.

  Why shouldn’t I? You have a girlfriend now, who I might add is not a good influence.

  “She loves me. We have fun.”

  Was it fun puking your guts out tonight?

  “Don’t judge. College is hard. Just blowing off steam.”

  Abbie’s a fuck up. Don’t let her drag you down with her. You can do way better than her.

  “She’s gorgeous, funny, and crazy about me. Please tell me how I can do better.”

  I wanted to shout I’m better than her, but obviously I couldn’t shout that. Besides I wasn’t better than her, at least that’s what I believed at the time. Instead, I wrote, wake up, Carly. If she makes it through the semester without landing in academic probation, I’ll be surprised.

  Carly waved her hand in the air like she was swatting a fly away. “Don’t be such a goody, goody.”

  Fuck you, I wrote. I was hurt and it came out in an angry retort.

  Carly stumbled out of her bed and shouted, “You judgmental puissant—” She stopped mid-sentence and I think she realized the force of her words on me.

  I could feel my tears leak out. I felt like she was slipping away right before my eyes. I miss you, Carly. The real you.

  Carly blinked a few times and then started crying. She stumbled to my bed and lay down beside me. I stroked her hair.

  “I miss you too. It feels like I’m losing my best friend. Why did you leave me?”

  I tapped her head so she would look up and read my response. What are you talking about? I never left you.

  Through blurry eyes and tears of anguish, she clarified. “At the mixer. You never even said goodbye. It’s like all of a sudden Quinn is front and center in your life and I’m not even sure I’m in the circle. Abbie’s been filling the void since you left. I love you so much it’s killing me.”

  Carly plopped her head back in my lap and I started stroking her head again. Her arms automatically wrapped around my waist as she clung to me like a life raft. It wasn’t long before she passed out on my bed. I didn’t get much sleep that night as I pondered her confession. Was I purposely distancing myself from Carly? I would have to rectify that, because the last thing I wanted was to lose her. That would kill me.

  †

  I must have finally dozed off sometime during those early morning hours. Carly’s stirring the next morning awakened me from a troubled sleep.

  “Fucking tequila. God, I’m never doing another tequila shot again,” she groaned. “Okay, how much of an ass did I make of myself? Things are a little fuzzy. I’m sorry if I said anything mean about Quinn—she’s a nice girl, oddly quiet, but nice.”

  I’m sorry too. I should have said goodbye when we left the mixer, but I just thought you were having fun on your date and I didn’t want to intrude.

  “Let’s make a pact. From here on out, we set aside at least two nights a week for bestie time and I promise to be home by eight so I can study with you and Quinn. Oh, and tuck you in at night.”

  I nodded and she sealed it with a kiss to the corner of my mouth again. I wasn’t sure if she remembered telling me she loved me. I wondered whether she meant as a friend or something more, but I was too afraid to explore it any further. I didn’t ask and she didn’t offer.

  “I need aspirin before I can face my anatomy and physiology class. I might puke all over the pig they’re making us dissect. It’s almost enough to make me change my major. Maybe healthcare is not the right field for me after all. Maybe I’m just not smart enough for pre-med,” Carly groused.

  You’re definitely smart enough unless you keep killing all those brain cells with tequila. I grinned after I wrote this to let her know I was kidding, but I did wish she would cut down on her alcohol intake.

  She grinned back. “Shots are definitely off the table from now on and I will cut down, because I need every last brain cell to make it through this class. A and P is kicking my ass. I know it’s the class designed to weed out all the riff raff, but it’s really hard.”

  I pushed her shoulder. Take a shower, you stink.

  “Thanks a lot. Kick a girl when she’s down, out, and hungover.”

  Self-imposed.

  “Yeah, yeah. I guess it’s time to move through the wild freshmen year stage before I flunk out.”

  I nodded.

  I felt better about our argument. It was as if the world turned back on its axis and things made sense again. For the past three weeks, I felt like all the colors of the world simply took a vacation. This temporary truce lasted for another six weeks until right before the Thanksgiving break when the shit hit the fan.

  †

  True to her word, Carly began spending less time with Abbie, which I suspected did not go very well with her new girlfriend. I overheard Abbie, one night, pleading with Carly to spend the whole weekend with her. Carly could be very stubborn and I imagine that she steadfastly refused to take their relationship to the next level.

  Every night Carly would help me get ready for bed in the same manner as that very first night. I knew it was an intimate ritual that we probably shouldn’t be doing—because it still drove me crazy—but I let her do it anyway. A part of me felt like I was somehow betraying my budding relationship with Quinn, but I couldn’t help myself—I craved Carly’s touch.

  Quinn never pushed anything and Carly continued to casually date Abbie—never quite letting her in all the way. We were all in relationship limbo.

  Quinn never went beyond a quick peck on my lips. I know she wanted more, but she let me set the pace. Neither of us let on that we were anything more than good friends and Carly still believed that I was straight as an arrow.

  Carly confessed to me one night that Abbie was pressuring her to become more physical, but she kept holding her off. I didn’t exactly know what form of pressure Abbie used to try to get Carly to sleep with her until one Saturday night when I heard them arguing outside of our room.

  “What the fuck, Carly. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were cheating on me with your roommate, but I’m pretty sure she can’t get your motor running like I can,” Abbie blurted.

  “Ssh. You’re drunk and you think you’re being quiet, but you’re not. I’m not ready, so stop pressuring me,” Carly said.

  Carly was speaking in a low voice, but after Abbie woke me up, I started to listen intently to the conversation taking place just outside our room.

  “Frigid bitch. I think it’s time I found someone else who’s more than willing to warm my bed.”

  “Fine by me. You go right ahead,” Carly declared.

  I was proud of her for two reasons. One, she sounded sober and two, she was standing her ground.

  Then I heard some shuffling outside and I got worried.

  “Stop, you’re hurting me.” Carly cried out.

  I sat up so fast, my head got that awful dizzy feeling. I’d never cursed my disability so much before that evening. Carly needed my help and by the time I was able to get in my chair and come to her rescue anything could transpire. I didn’t know what to do. I scooted to the desk as fast as I could to text Quinn. It was late, so I couldn’t be sure she would even answer.

  Help. Abbie out of control.

  I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard the ping.

  B right there.

  “You think you can just toss me aside like some piece of garbage,” Abbie yelled.

  “Please, let go of my arm. You’re hurting me,” Carly squeaked.

  “I’ll do whatever I damn well please. You’re my girlfriend, for fuck’s sake,” Abbie shouted.

  I was struggling to get into my chair to try to stop whatever was happening.<
br />
  “Go home, Abbie.” Quinn’s quiet command reverberated through the door.

  “What? Did the cripple call in the big bad butch?” Abbie taunted.

  “Go, now,” Quinn ordered.

  “Fine, I’ll leave you with your freak show pals,” Abbie jeered.

  The door opened as I was half way in my chair.

  “Thanks, Quinn,” Carly whispered.

  Quinn nodded, glanced at me, waved, and left the room.

  Carly sat down heavily on her bed and I could see the tracks of her tears as they rolled down her cheek unimpeded. She held up her hand. “Don’t, just don’t. I really can’t listen to a lecture tonight.”

  I was finally in my chair and rolled to her bed. I used my fingers to wipe away her tears. I shook my head and grabbed her hand. I didn’t have my tablet so I wasn’t able to tell her that I wasn’t going to lecture her. I just wanted her to be safe.

  “You can say I told you so.”

  I shook my head again and leaned to kiss her gently on the lips. It was a chaste kiss, but I think it took her by surprise.

  She grabbed both of my hands and then stroked my cheek as she brought our lips back together.

  I opened for her and let her tongue gently explore my lips.

  This was definitely not a chaste kiss and I let her consume me with passion. I wanted this.

  All too soon she broke the kiss and the look of horror on her face was something I would remember for a very long time. “Oh, my God, Belinda. I am so sorry. I never should have done that. Please, forgive me.”

  I didn’t have my tablet with me to tell her that I wasn’t at all sorry she kissed me and in fact, I wanted her to. I should have corrected her perception that instance, but I didn’t. Instead, I let her continue to believe I was straight and suffered the consequences of my failure to act.

  Carly took a step back and dropped her head. She wouldn’t even look at me.

  My moment of opportunity passed, so I lifted myself back into bed.

  Carly mechanically arranged my body so that I could settle in and fall back to sleep. Before she retreated to her side of the room she kissed my forehead and whispered, “Good night, Belinda.”