Locked Inside

by Annette Mori

  I was kissing my girlfriend and I think I kind of moaned. I wrote this quickly and wouldn’t look her in the eyes.

  Taylor touched my arm to get my attention and pushed forward without making any comment about my reaction to my first real kiss. “Okay, Belinda, I’d like to try something with you, but it requires me to place my hand on your diaphragm and I don’t want to touch you if you aren’t comfortable with that. Can I try this with you?” Taylor asked.

  I nodded.

  “Great. Okay, here’s what I want you to do. When I push your diaphragm, I want you to concentrate hard on pushing out the air and saying, huh. Okay?”

  I eagerly agreed to this new method.

  When she gently pushed, I tried really hard, but nothing came out except a little bit of air.

  “That’s perfect, Belinda. Now, I’m going to push just a little harder and I want you to concentrate again on saying, huh,” she instructed.

  I didn’t know what was so perfect about me expending a little air on the first attempt, but I concentrated once again and when I felt her push a little harder I shocked myself when a weak, huh, came tumbling out of my mouth.

  Taylor clapped her hands. “Congratulations! I predict we will have you talking before the start of summer break. We’ll be great friends by the time we’re done and I’ll expect an autographed copy of whatever you plan to hand out on your famous speaking tour.”

  It was uncanny how close her predictions ended up coming true, but the work we did during the next six months had its fair share of ups and downs. Sometimes it felt like we would take one step forward and two steps back. I knew this wasn’t accurate, but it would frustrate me when I wasn’t able to leap to the next level in my recovery as fast as I thought I should.

  Taylor tried a few more tricks, including manipulating my cheeks and mouth to get me to vocalize other simple sounds, like muh, and ah. Learning to speak again was a lot like teaching a baby to talk or a kindergartner to read. We spent a lot of time on making alphabet sounds before putting the letters together to form words. At first, I felt stupid, until I suddenly realized I was starting to form words.

  The first three words I wanted to say aloud were I love you and I knew who I wanted to say them to. I wanted it to be a surprise so I remained vague whenever Carly asked how therapy was going.

  At the end of our first session, Taylor touched my arm. “It is such an honor to be a part of your amazing recovery. I hope you know what an inspiration you are to everyone who has ever had to struggle with similar issues.”

  I’m still not sure if I ever would have come as far in such a short time without Taylor’s never-ending passion and enthusiasm. Or, if anyone else would have been able to unlock the door to whatever blockage remained to keep me from speaking. She remains one of the most amazing caregivers I had come across in my long and difficult journey to reach the other side of that tunnel.

  We both had huge grins on our faces when we entered the waiting room where Carly sat flipping through a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. She jumped up. “So how did it go?”

  Good.

  This became my stock answer and Taylor never revealed anything more. She always left it up to me to decide what I wanted to share and with whom I wanted to reveal whatever progress we’d made.

  “You’re coming back for more therapy then?” Carly asked.

  I nodded.

  “That’s awesome. You know I never liked that other prissy speech therapist you had. She was kind of a bitch,” Carly whispered in my ear.

  That’s not very nice, I wrote.

  “Maybe not, but it’s true. This one seems a lot nicer.”

  Definitely.

  “She’s cute, too.” Carly winked.

  Fortunately, we were far enough away from Taylor that she didn’t hear the last part—at least I didn’t think so. I craned my neck and waved goodbye to Taylor and she waved back before we completely exited the clinic.

  Aren’t you forgetting about our girlfriends? I already have one too many women I love right now. I don’t think my heart could take a third.

  “I didn’t say that either of us should make a play for her or anything, I was just noticing her considerable assets. Admiring other women isn’t a crime as long as we don’t touch.”

  I wondered if she was saying this aloud for both our benefits—knowing that neither of us could or would act on our feelings for the other.

  Flirt.

  “Babe magnet,” she retorted.

  Hardly.

  “No, definitely. You aren’t aware of how many people are attracted to both your physical appearance and your determined spirit. You, my friend, have the whole bloody package.”

  I didn’t respond because I knew she would chastise me, but I thought no, I don’t have the whole package until I can speak and walk again.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  I continued to work with Taylor on my speech skills and tried not to get frustrated about the excruciatingly slow progress. It took two months for me to be able to push out the alphabet in a somewhat recognizable sound. I thought it resembled a cavewoman grunting sounds before humans were able to communicate with one another—not that I knew exactly what that sounded like of course, but it was what I imagined.

  Quinn, Abbie, Carly, and I continued to hang out together and although I still craved a different relationship with Carly, we never went there. It was as if by unspoken agreement, we kept our distance. I think both of us were afraid of what would happen if we continued the nightly ritual of Carly helping me get ready for bed.

  Carly stopped kissing me on the corner of my mouth because it was too close to my lips and the temptation to take things further. I wanted to sign us both up for sainthood because that was surely where we’d end up as we continued to avoid our feelings for each other for the benefit of our tenuous commitment to our girlfriends.

  Winter quarter ended and after a short spring break, we were in the last quarter of our freshmen year of college.

  Abbie was back to not drinking again and there wasn’t a repeat of the end of fall quarter—no champagne this time. I’d like to think that she avoided partying with her friends during spring break, but neither Carly nor I knew what happened during her trip to California. It wasn’t until finals week at end of our freshmen year, when the full story came to light.

  I thought Carly would join Abbie for spring break, but she steadfastly refused, giving some lame excuse about not really having the money to spend. I knew that was total bullshit, but I let the lie slide. After my lies of omission, I thought I could grant her a few freebies.

  Quinn remained steadfastly loyal to me and was often the one who took me to my therapy appointments with Taylor.

  Taylor and Quinn hit it off right from the start. I don’t think Quinn even recognized the attraction for what it was. Opposites really do attract, because Taylor was this effervescent commanding personality compared to Quinn’s steady, quiet, calm in the middle of any storm.

  The first time they met, Taylor stuck out her hand for Quinn to shake. “Damn, Belinda, your girlfriend is gorgeous, no wonder you moaned when you two kissed.”

  Quinn turned beat red, but I could tell she was flattered. Taylor was a cutie and her honest assessment was refreshing.

  “It’s really nice to meet you. I know how much Belinda appreciates your expertise. She writes about you all the time,” Quinn offered.

  Taylor captured Quinn’s gaze and the corners of her mouth turned up. Who wouldn’t appreciate Quinn’s crystal blue eyes and dazzling smile?

  Taylor was one of the few people I confided in regarding my mixed feelings for Quinn and Carly.

  After I’d worked with Taylor for a few weeks, she came right out and asked me about Carly.

  “Look, it’s none of my business really, but you and Carly seem to have a connection. I can tell you really care about one another, why aren’t you together?”

  Timing seems to always be off with us and I want to be able to tell her I love her
, not write it. I want to be able to enjoy the same things she does and I can’t until I can walk again. Maybe someday, I wrote on my tablet.

  “What about Quinn? She’s an amazing person and clearly cares for you,” Taylor asked.

  I know and I love her, but just not like I love Carly. Maybe that will change and Quinn is who I’m meant to be with. I don’t know. Life is complicated.

  “Yes, it is.” Taylor got this faraway look and I wondered what that was about.

  It wasn’t too much later when I finally figured it out. Taylor was struggling with her growing feelings for Quinn.

  I watched their interaction with one another with interest and was genuinely happy to see their friendship develop. Maybe Quinn could have deeply fallen in love with me and I might have returned those feelings if Carly wasn’t in the picture, but she was. It was something that was always in the middle of taking that final step. She knew it and I knew it.

  I’m not sure either one of them would have made a first move if I hadn’t pushed them in the right direction. They both kept strict boundaries when it came to their friendship. As much as Taylor was attracted to Quinn, I knew she never would have made a play if I hadn’t suggested one day that I thought she ought to ask Quinn out because I was about to have a serious talk with her about our relationship.

  I needed to be honest with Quinn and give her the go-ahead to pursue her attraction. I could see so clearly their attraction and I wanted them both to be happy, even if it meant an end to my relationship with Quinn

  I didn’t want to lose Quinn as a friend, but I decided it was time to confront the big old elephant in the room.

  We were out on a date one month before the end of our freshmen year and I laid the cards on the table. Quinn, we need to talk.

  She raised her eyebrow.

  I mean I need to write some things down and you need to be open to hearing/reading them.

  She grabbed my hand and the sad look on her face nearly broke my resolve. I started to second-guess myself. Was I going to confront what I saw happening between Quinn and Taylor for my own selfish reasons. Did I really see things for what they were versus what I wanted them to be? I didn’t think so, because Abbie and Carly were still going strong, or at least I thought they were at the time. I forged ahead.

  You know I love you Quinn, but I’d never want to hold you back from finding that perfect person for you. I’ve been watching you and Taylor during the past month and I think she’s the one.

  Tears formed in Quinn’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, Belinda. I know you still love Carly, but it’s still not an excuse for abandoning my feelings for you and letting my feelings for Taylor creep in. I swear I haven’t cheated on you, except maybe a little in my heart. I haven’t acted on it, is what I mean.”

  I squeezed her hand. It’s okay. I really want you to be happy. You have my blessing to pursue Taylor. I think you two are perfect for one another. We’re destined to be great friends, not great lovers. It’s not your fault. If anything, it’s mine because God knows I’ve tried to not let my feelings for Carly get in the way, but I know they have.

  I smiled at her to let her know I really was okay with the new direction our relationship would take.

  “Belinda, I just want you to know that you will always be my first love and first loves are special. You are special. You are a remarkable woman and I’ll never forget what you gave me. I never felt attractive before. You may not have been in love with me, but you always made me feel like I was attractive and worthy of love. I wasn’t just some gigantic amazon woman in your eyes,” she said through tears.

  Quinn, I can say with all honesty that you are gorgeous both inside and out. Taylor is a lucky woman. Friends?

  “Always and forever,” she pronounced.

  Just like that, my first relationship with another woman ended. I’d always heard that lesbians sometimes stayed good friends with their exes and that not all break-ups were acrimonious, but we were certainly the poster children for positive endings.

  †

  When I returned from our date, it was hard to hide what had happened from Carly. Carly almost knew me better than myself. She was always so in tune to my moods and she knew right away that something transpired between Quinn and me. I never did figure out why she didn’t pick up on my feelings for her, because I know deep down I always wanted her to know. Maybe she did, but wanted to let it play out with Quinn. Anyone could see how sweet Quinn was and I suppose Carly may have thought Quinn would be a good partner, someone worthy of my love.

  When I rolled to my desk, essentially turning my back on her, she knew something was different.

  She got up turned my chair around. “What happened?”

  I didn’t know why I was crying because I knew the break-up was inevitable and even ultimately the best outcome for all, but I mourned the loss of what could have been if I wasn’t still so in love with Carly.

  I scribbled, Quinn and I broke up.

  I wasn’t about to violate my promise to her that I would never keep something this big to myself again. No matter what the future held, I would always be honest with her.

  I don’t think she was expecting me to tell her that Quinn and I were no longer together. She blinked a couple of times and I imagined she was trying to formulate what she would say to me in response to my big news. “I don’t know how to respond to that. Of course, I’m sorry that you broke up, but is it awful of me to also feel something different. Shit, I am a selfish, terrible, person,” she confessed.

  No, you’re not. If the roles were reversed, I think I’d feel the same.

  “Damn, what are we going to do? Now that you’re free and clear, I can’t help considering the possibility of breaking it off with Abbie.”

  You can’t do that. She’s doing so well with your support. She hasn’t been drinking and her grades are good. I’m afraid of what will happen if you break it off with her.

  “I think something happened during spring break,” Carly whispered.

  What do you mean?

  “I think she fell off the wagon in a really big way. She’s been acting guilty ever since she came back and I think I smelled alcohol on her again. I know I’m a shitty person for not wanting to have a relationship with an alcoholic, but I just don’t have the energy for her drama. Is it so wrong not to want to have to deal with her every time she slips?” she asked.

  I don’t want to be the reason that you break up with her.

  “You’re not. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about ending it with Abbie for a few weeks now, but I didn’t want to impact your relationship with Quinn. I really like Quinn, she’s a sweetheart. What happened?”

  I smiled. I think she fell in love with my therapist, Taylor, and I called it out.

  “Okay, I thought I liked her. That bitch cheated on you, I don’t care if she can squash me with one hand tied behind her back, I’m gonna kick her ass.”

  Wait. I never said she cheated on me. She didn’t. I told her she has my blessing to explore those feelings. It wouldn’t be fair for me to hold her back, when I’ll never love her like I love you.

  Carly blew out a big breath. “You know this is a game changer for me? You can’t expect me to just go on without considering my options. I don’t think that’s fair to anyone.”

  No rash decisions, please, Carly. Abbie is a good person who happens to have a terrible illness. You can’t just break her heart.

  “I can’t promise that. God, this sucks. I do need to talk with her about my suspicions though. Let’s talk about something more pleasant. How’s therapy going?”

  I shrugged. I still felt like I hadn’t made a lot of progress and wasn’t about to reveal the grunting and relatively unintelligible sounds that I could now manage to force out.

  Without saying anything to one another, we reverted to the dangerous rituals before I first confessed my love to her. That night she helped me get ready for bed and kissed the corner of my mouth again. We headed quickly down that slippery slope. I kn
ew that if something didn’t give soon, we’d end up being big fat cheaters. I didn’t want that for either of us and I didn’t think Carly did either.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Carly and I danced on the edges of friendship, but managed not to cross the lines.

  The final nail in Abbie’s coffin came the week of finals when the proverbial shit hit the fan, again.

  Since her finals ended on Tuesday, she wanted Carly to celebrate with her. Carly had a final the next day and told her she couldn’t because she had to study. Abbie wasn’t happy with her response because I suspect she felt Carly slowly distancing herself. After Quinn and I broke up, the changes were subtle, but they were there. Carly would often tell her she needed to study and they rarely went out alone anymore. We still did things together with our small group of friends, including Taylor, who became a good friend to both Carly and me. I was happy for Quinn and Taylor and we eased into a friendship without too much angst.

  At first, Taylor was hesitant to go out with Quinn, but I convinced her that I was not only okay with this new development, I wanted them to get together and it was one of the reasons I’d ended my relationship with Quinn. I reminded Taylor about my feelings for Carly and let Taylor know that it was never going to work out with Quinn because we would always be better friends than lovers. Finally, Taylor took the plunge and asked Quinn out on a proper date. They were practically inseparable from that point forward.

  Abbie stomped out of our room and mumbled just loud enough for both of us to hear. “Fine, you two stay with your noses glued to your books, I’m heading out for some fun for a change.”

  Carly waved. “Have a good evening. Please don’t drink.”

  Abbie scowled. “What the fuck do you care anyway?” She slammed the door and I felt an impending catastrophe heading our way.

  Carly ignored her parting comment and returned to her molecular biology book.

  †

  Three hours later as Carly and I were putting away our textbooks, I heard a commotion in the hallway. I heard raised voices outside our door.