To Love Again

by E. L. Todd

  Sassy immediately ran to Apollo and started sniffing him.

  Apollo explored her in return.

  Carrie smiled when she saw me. “I think they miss each other…”

  “They do.” I watched the dogs feel each other out. I knew I would run into Carrie eventually, but I was surprised when it wasn’t awkward. “How are you?”

  “Good.” She came closer to my side and ignored the dogs. “You?”

  I shrugged.

  “Always the strong and silent type, huh?”

  “Something like that.”

  She started walking with me down the path. “Is Lexie back in your life yet?”

  “No.”

  She sighed as she watched me. “Conrad, what are you waiting for?”

  “I don’t know…but it’s too soon. I can’t forget months of heartbreak overnight.”

  “You don’t have to. But the sooner you accept Lexie back into your life the better you’ll feel.”

  “You’re making a lot of assumptions…”

  “No, I’m not,” she said quietly. “I knew everything I needed to know the moment I saw you two stare at each other. It reminded me so much of Scott and I that I felt like I was living in the past. Love like that doesn’t happen for everyone, Conrad. What you two have is special. Don’t let it slip through your fingers.”

  “She’s the one who let it slip through her fingers…”

  “Forgive her and let it go. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be happy again.”

  “Perhaps I’m a bitter person but that’s not so simple for me.”

  Carrie sighed like she was irritated with me.

  “You could have just kept me for yourself,” I said. “You would be happy right now.”

  “But you wouldn’t be,” she said. “I love you, Conrad. I want you to have what you deserve.”

  “And you think Lexie deserves me?”

  She kept walking. “I think she made a mistake. We all make mistakes, Conrad.”

  “That’s a pretty big mistake,” I snapped. “All she had to do was say yes instead of no.”

  “She was scared,” Carrie said. “Cut her some slack.”

  I stopped walking and glared at her. “Why is everyone taking her side? I’m sick of it.”

  “Because we know she loves you,” she said simply. “Love conquers hate.”

  “I don’t hate her…I just don’t trust her.”

  “That trust will come back.”

  “And what if it doesn’t?”

  “It will,” she said firmly. “You need to give her another chance because of this unstoppable love in your heart.”

  “I don’t need to do anything.”

  “What’s the alternative?” she asked. “Think about her every time you sleep with me?” There was no anger and jealousy in her tone. “Believe me, I know when a man is thinking about another woman. It’s obvious.”

  I looked away because I was ashamed.

  “It’s okay, Conrad. I’m just making a point.”

  I continued to hold Apollo’s leash as I walked. “She brought me dinner the other night…and we ate together.”

  “Anything else happened?”

  “No. We just watched TV then she left. I didn’t want her to walk home alone so I followed her. But she spotted me before she walked into her building. Now she knows I care about her.”

  “She already knew that before, Conrad.”

  “My dad thinks I should give her another chance. Mom doesn’t.”

  “Your dad seems pretty wise.”

  “But I have a feeling my mom and sister will never stop hating her.”

  “Who cares?” she asked. “If Lexie is the woman you love, be with her.”

  I smiled. “When did you become so wise?”

  “I’ve always been wise. You’ve just never listened to me.”

  “Well, I don’t listen to a lot of people.”

  Carrie hooked her arm through mine as she walked beside me. “Can we still be friends? I really miss you.”

  I turned to her and saw the smile on her face. “I miss you too. I would love to be friends.”

  “Do you think it’ll bother Lexie?”

  “Lexie isn’t my girlfriend so it doesn’t matter.”

  “Yet…”

  “I don’t care if it bothers her, not after what she did.”

  She squeezed my arm. “Then we can still be dog-walking buddies.”

  “Apollo and Sassy will like that.”

  “Yeah, I think so too.”

  Chapter Five

  Arsen

  I cried last night before I went to sleep.

  I lay alone in the bed I once shared with Silke while Abby slept in her room. Silke’s scent was still on the sheets, and I felt cold not having her next to me. The sudden sensation of loneliness and regret swept through me like a tornado. Struck by grief, I cried into my pillow and hated myself more with every passing second.

  I lost her.

  Now I was sitting at my desk at work getting nothing done. I kept taking time away from the office but I had to be there today. Shit needed to be filed and workers needed to be paid.

  I rested my face in my palms and concentrated on my breathing. Sometimes I felt a breakdown coming on and I had to stop and control my emotions. I managed to keep a positive appearance around Abby but I don’t know how I did it. Of course, she asked why Silke wasn’t living with us anymore. I told her Silke just needed some alone time.

  I couldn’t say we were broken up. I just couldn’t do it.

  My office door opened but I didn’t bother pulling my hands away. “What?” I had no idea who was there or what they wanted but I didn’t give a damn.

  Feet approached my desk. “Let’s get lunch.” It was Ryan’s voice. He came every day at the same time so I shouldn’t be surprised.

  I lowered my hands and looked at him. “I’m not hungry.”

  Ryan didn’t care. “Come on. Let’s go.”

  I didn’t have the energy to argue. I was too indifferent to care.

  He and I headed to a pizza place and ordered our food and sodas. Then we sat down at a table and ate quietly.

  Ryan watched me with a fatherly concern like always.

  It was hard being around him because he reminded me of Silke. They both had a no-bullshit attitude. But it was also comforting having them there. Even though Silke walked away from me, he didn’t. He still cared about me like he used to…even if he was a little disappointed in me.

  “How’s the shop?” He steered clear of Silke.

  “Fine.” I didn’t feel like talking.

  “Abby?”

  “She’s good. I took her to the zoo yesterday.” It was just something to do to get us out of the house. That place haunted me. Silke’s ghost was present in everything.

  “What’s her favorite animal?”

  “The hippo,” I said without hesitation. “She thinks they are sweet and cuddly…even though they are one of the most deadliest creatures on the planet. But I’ll continue to let her live in a fairytale.”

  “Let them live there as long as possible.”

  I stared at my second slice but didn’t eat it.

  “Silke went back to work.”

  Hearing her name caused me so much pain. “Yeah? She’s doing better?”

  He shrugged. “She’s doing okay under the circumstances.”

  “I decided to give her some space to cool off but…it’s hard.”

  “I know,” he said with sympathy.

  “I miss her…so much.” I stared at the table because I couldn’t meet his gaze. I was afraid I would break down in the middle of the parlor.

  “I know that too.”

  “I asked her to give me another chance but she refused…but I can’t picture my life without her. I can’t imagine her life without me.”

  Ryan stared at me but said nothing.

  “Ryan, please help me. Help me get her back.”

  He sighed like the request irritated him.
“You know I can’t do that, Arsen. Silke made the right decision and I stand by her.”

  “You think she made the right decision…?” I couldn’t help but feel the betrayal in my heart, the undeniable pain.

  “She told me about everything before she hit her limit. I told her if you continued to hurt her, then she should leave. But I also told her to warn you and ask you to change first. But you didn’t change…”

  “I changed now. I’m different.”

  “Why did you have to push her so far before you made that change?” he asked. “Silke is an incredible woman. She’s too smart for her own good, she’s beautiful, and she’s compassionate. She had so much patience for you even though you didn’t deserve it. She’s been a mother to your daughter and stood by you through everything. Arsen, we both know she didn’t deserve to be treated like that. And we both know she can do better.”

  I closed my eyes because his words stung.

  “I’m sorry to be harsh, Arsen. But that’s the reality of the situation.”

  “I’ll be better for her. I’ll be everything she wants.”

  He shook his head. “You had your chance but you blew it.”

  “Come on.” I slammed my fist on the table. “My mom died. Do you not understand that? Do you not get it? How cold can you be? Grief makes people do crazy things but neither one of you have any understanding of that.”

  “And that gives you the right to abandon your responsibilities as a boyfriend and a father?” he asked. “That gives you the right to come home drunk off your ass every night? That gives you the right to yell and scream at Silke just because she’s there when you walk through the door? No, Arsen. That doesn’t give you a free pass to be a dick.”

  My hand clenched into a fist.

  “What?” Ryan asked. “You’re going to hit me?” He didn’t seem phased at all. “Do it. I dare you.” His body was still relaxed while he stared at me. “I think your ass needs to be kicked anyway.”

  I managed to calm down and my fist relaxed.

  Ryan took a sip of his soda. “Smart choice.”

  “Maybe Janice will help me…”

  Ryan released a sarcastic laugh. “She’s not your biggest fan right now. After everything she did for you she sees it as a slap in the face.”

  Did I really ruin everything I had because of this? “If you’re so disappointed in me why are you still here? Why do you have lunch with me? Why do you check on me?”

  “You really can’t figure it out?”

  I shook my head.

  “I love you, Arsen. It’s as simple as that.”

  “But I hurt your daughter…”

  “And I’m not happy about that. But you didn’t lay a hand on her or cheated on her so I’m not going to kill you.”

  “But you support her decision to leave me.”

  He shrugged. “It’s not really what you did that justifies her leaving. It’s the fact she’s not happy anymore. I don’t want her to be unhappy.”

  “I can make her happy again.”

  Ryan picked up another slice and kept eating.

  I rested my elbows on the table and sighed. “You know I love her. Please help me.”

  “No.”

  “Ryan, come on.”

  “I came to your house and I warned you.” He gave me a threatening look. “I told you to knock off your bullshit behavior and clean up. I warned you this would happen. But you did it anyway.”

  “I slipped up because Levi said the most painful thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Anyone else would have done the same thing. That doesn’t make me a bad person.”

  Ryan shook his head and took another bite.

  “You know I love her, don’t you?”

  He chewed for a long time before he answered. “Yes, I do.”

  “You really believe that?”

  “Of course.”

  “And you know she loves me?”

  “I don’t think she would cry herself to sleep every night if she didn’t.”

  That made me feel like shit. “Then help us find our way back to each other.”

  He turned his gaze to his food. “I’m not doing that. I’m sorry, Arsen. You’re on your own for this one.”

  Everyone had turned against me. Silke wouldn’t listen to me. How was I going to fix this?

  Ryan gave me a look full of concern before he kept eating. But he didn’t say anything more on the subject.

  And that made me feel more alone.

  ***

  “Get your ass outside now!” Slade’s voice came through the front door and reached my ears in the living room.

  Abby heard him too. “Daddy, why is Uncle Slade yelling?”

  I think I knew. “Stay here, sweetheart. I’ll be right back. “I pretended everything was fine even though I knew it wasn’t.

  I opened the front door and immediately stepped outside. “Keep it down. Abby—”

  “You motherfucker.” Slade pushed me hard in the chest, making me stumble back. “You hurt my sister, and now I’m going to hurt you.”

  I shut the front door then headed to the sidewalk so Abby wouldn’t hear anything. “I’m trying to fix it.”

  “I don’t want you to fix it, asshole.” Slade pushed me again.

  I didn’t retaliate because he was Silke’s brother. I couldn’t touch him.

  “Who the hell do you think you are? Treating her like that?”

  “I was going through a hard time and I lost my way…I wish I hadn’t. You can hurt me in whatever way you like but it’s not going to inflict any pain. I’m already in agony over Silke. There’s nothing you can do to make me feel worse but you’re more than welcome to try.”

  Slade looked like he wanted to hit me more. “What the hell is wrong with you, Arsen? After everything my father and Silke have done for you, you pull this stunt?”

  I was tired of everyone acting like I was a terrible person. I admit I made a mistake but I wasn’t evil. “You’re one to talk, Slade. You treated Trinity like shit for a long time, and when she wanted to get married you turned you back on her. I may have done some bad things, but it’s no comparison to your mistakes.”

  Slade’s anger immediately died, replaced by shame and guilt.

  “The only person I know with a perfect record is your dad. He’s a fucking saint. But the rest of you are guiltier of far worse things. My mom died and I didn’t handle that very well so I hit the bottle too hard. I learned my lesson and apologized for it. Stop treating me like some kind of criminal. I didn’t treat Silke right and I realize that. I won’t repeat that same mistake. But you have no right coming over here, where my daughter lives, and throw out insults when you’re worse than I am. So fuck you, Slade.”

  His hands didn’t ball into fists and the anger didn’t enter his eyes. He stared at me with a blank expression, like he was experiencing old memories from a different time.

  “Doesn’t feel good, does it?” I was starting to lash out in grief.

  Slade stepped back. “My wrongs and mistakes have nothing to do with your relationship with Silke. That doesn’t justify anything.”

  “I know it doesn’t. But you have no right coming over here and dishing out threats. I’m working on my relationship with Silke and I will get her back…somehow. I know she loves me despite everything that happened.”

  “I don’t know about that…”

  “She does.” I couldn’t think otherwise because I would lose my sanity. “I know you care about her and want to protect her but—”

  “You already broke her heart once. I can’t stand to watch it happen again.”

  “I know…I’ll fix it.”

  Slade watched me like he was studying me, trying to determine if he should break my nose or walk away. “Make this right, Arsen. I fucked up a lot with Trinity but I finally got my shit together when I knew she and I would last forever. I believe that people can change because I did. But you need to commit yourself to it, to understand that you can never make another mistake. Because
if you do that’s it. She’s gone. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good luck.”

  “Wait, Slade. Can you talk to her for me?”

  His eyebrows furrowed in a stark glare. “No, Arsen. I’m letting you live. Just be thankful for that.”

  ***

  I waited for her outside the museum, and when she exited the large front doors I walked up to her.

  She wore a thick pea coat with black slacks. Her hair was curled around her face, and she looked beautiful. The only sign of sadness was in her eyes. They didn’t glow the way they used to.

  When I was close enough to her I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her into me. One thing that couldn’t be denied was our chemistry. If I touched her the right way she responded to me. I was relying on that now.

  She flinched when I grabbed her but relaxed when she realized it was me.

  A good reaction. I pulled her against my chest then placed my mouth over hers, giving her a slow and sensual kiss.

  She responded, but hesitantly. When she realized what she was doing, she pushed me away. “Arsen, don’t do that.”

  There was hope. She let me kiss her, no matter how short it lasted.

  “And don’t wait outside my work like a stalker.”

  “Where would you like me to wait?”

  “Nowhere.” She tightened her coat around her like she was trying to hide her figure from me.

  “I’m going to wait somewhere. You may as well give me a place.”

  “How about hell?” Her sassiness was in overdrive.

  “I’ve given you space. Now I want to talk.”

  “We talked last week.”

  “I want to talk again.” I slowly came closer to her and was glad she didn’t take off like I thought she might.

  “There’s nothing to say, Arsen.”

  “I love you. That’s something worth saying.”

  Her eyes softened but it was only for a nanosecond. And then her harshness resurfaced all over again. “Arsen, leave me alone. If you think you’re going to change my mind with pretty words you’re mistaken. I care more about your actions, not your apologies.”

  My hands found her waist again, wanting to touch her as much as possible. “You’re the love of my life and I’m yours, Beauty. I know I disappointed you and you’re still upset with me. But this—what we have—is forever. I can apologize as many times as you need to hear it. I learned from my mistake and I won’t do it again. Ryan checks on me every night. He can vouch for me.”