To Love Again

by E. L. Todd

  Maybe this would be different. Maybe I couldn’t be faithful in my past because the women simply weren’t right. Beatrice was the woman my soul had been searching for. And now that I had her, I didn’t need anything else.

  Or anyone else.

  ***

  Beatrice watched me cook from her seat at the table. She wore one of my t-shirts, and it reached past her knees. Her hair was a little messy from rolling around on her bed, but it looked cute on her.

  I flipped the pancake then tossed it back into the pan. “Hungry?”

  “For you.” She gave me a playful look.

  I grinned. “Already?”

  “I’m always hungry.”

  “Well, after breakfast we’ll defile your kitchen table.”

  “Sounds good.”

  I finished preparing breakfast then set the plates on the tables.

  “Ooh…this looks good.” She picked up her fork and ate her scrambled eggs first.

  “A long time ago I worked as a cook in a diner.”

  “Really?” she asked with a smile.

  “Yeah, the kind that serves breakfast all day long. So, I know a thing or two.”

  “I wish I knew that sooner,” she said as she kept eating. “I might have given you a blow job a while back to get a taste.”

  I immediately stopped eating because my cock inflated like a balloon.

  Beatrice knew what she did because she smiled.

  “You’re a vixen, you know that?”

  “Maybe.” She ate her pancakes then took a bite of her toast. “Well, Jeremy will be happy.”

  “That I can cook?”

  She laughed. “No, that we’re together. But he did like Jason.”

  I immediately glared at her because I didn’t like hearing his name.

  “I’m just saying…”

  “He better not prefer him over me.”

  “He won’t,” she said. “He’ll just be happy that I have someone to put up with my shit.”

  “Who said I would put up with your shit?”

  Now she glared at me. “You better. Because I’ve been putting up with yours for awhile.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “How about the stunts you pulled with Jason?” she asked. “You were acting like a lunatic.”

  “Well, you’re my woman and I didn’t want him touching you.”

  “Whoa, hold on.” She raised her hand. “I was not your woman.”

  “Yes, you were.”

  “How am I supposed to be your woman if you don’t tell me?” she demanded.

  “It’s implied.”

  She rolled her eyes. “This is the shit I’m talking about.”

  “You’ve got your shit too.”

  “Like…?”

  I tried to think of something. “Well…you…”

  “Yeah?” She leaned forward.

  “You…need me to cook for you.”

  “Hey, I didn’t ask you to cook. You just started doing it.”

  “You seduced me into having sex with you. It was practically rape.”

  “Because you were acting like a pussy,” she snapped. “I’d been throwing myself at you for days but you never took the bait.”

  “I was not acting like a pussy. I just drilled your pussy thirty minutes ago.”

  She sighed. “This argument is going nowhere. All I meant to say was, my brother will be happy when he hears about this.”

  “He better be. I’m dreamy.”

  “I don’t think that’s what he’ll be thinking…”

  “But I am dreamy.” I winked at her and kept eating.

  “When am I going to meet your parents?”

  I hadn’t thought about it. “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to them in a while.”

  “Well, the holidays are just around the corner…”

  Did she really want to meet them? “I’ll see if I can arrange something.”

  “Arrange something?” she asked. “They’re your parents. They should be thrilled that you want to see them.”

  Last time I checked my family was pretty disappointed in me. I told them the truth of what I did to my marriage with Lexie in a final attempt to get Lexie back. Mom had never looked more disappointed in me, and I couldn’t blame her for feeling that way. I didn’t feel like a man anymore in that moment. When a man hurts something innocent he automatically forfeits his title as a man. After what I did to Lexie, I became a boy again.

  Beatrice caught onto my sorrow. “They’re still upset with you because of Lexie?”

  “My mom hasn’t called me in eight months. And she always calls me.” I kept eating even though I lost my appetite.

  Beatrice’s eyes filled with sorrow. “Your family doesn’t hate you, Jared. It’s just shocking information. That’s all.”

  “I’m not sure how welcoming they’ll be toward you. They really liked Lexie.”

  “Well, I’ll make them like me.”

  I smiled against my will. “You’ll make them?”

  “Yeah, I can be charming and funny.”

  “I’ve never seen it.”

  She threw a piece of toast at me. “Don’t be a jerk.”

  “I’m not,” I said with a laugh. “Just being honest.”

  She threw a grape at me next. “You know I’m sweet, funny, and irresistible. Why else would you fall in love with me?”

  I gestured with my hands like I was squeezing her nice tits.

  “Oh my god, Jared!” She stood up and started to storm off.

  I laughed before I chased her and caught her from behind. “Baby, you know I’m kidding.” My arm wrapped around her waist and I kissed her neck.

  “You were not.”

  “Yes, I was.” I kept kissing her then moved my hand under her shirt and in her panties. I found the area between her legs and rubbed it just the way she liked. Within seconds she was breathing hard and pressing her ass against me. “I love you because you’re stunning. Because you’re kind. And because you believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. That’s why I fell in love with you.”

  ***

  I just got a beer out of my fridge when there was a knock on the door.

  It wasn’t Beatrice because she would text me before stopping by. It could be one of my friends but I doubted that too. I headed to the door and was disappointed when I saw Macy on the other side.

  Nothing good could come of this.

  I opened the door with my guard up. “I have a girlfriend and I only have sex with her. If you’re desperate, they have male hookers.”

  Macy ignored everything I said. “I need to talk to you about Lexie.”

  That wasn’t where I expected this conversation to go. “Lexie? What about her?”

  “She’s taking her break up with Conrad really hard. She tried getting him back but he won’t budge. I’m worried about her.”

  “Whoa…hold on.” I set the beer on the table. “They broke up?”

  “Yeah. You didn’t know that?”

  “Does it look like I knew that?”

  She ignored my sarcasm. “They’ve been broken up for nearly five months now. He proposed and she said no…because she was afraid he would cheat on her just the way you did and the way our dad did. But it looks like she took too long to come to her senses because Conrad is in a new place.”

  She just dropped a bomb on me. “That’s a lot to take in.”

  “I know you guys aren’t close anymore but I’m desperate here. Maybe you can even say something to Conrad.”

  “About taking her back?”

  “Yeah.”

  My thoughts swarmed.

  “Lexie could use a friend right now, someone who knows what it’s like to mess up a relationship irrevocably.”

  “Thanks,” I said sarcastically.

  “I’m just saying,” she said quickly. “Please go talk to her. She’s really down.”

  I had no idea any of this happened. And I was surprised Beatrice didn’t know either. “I’ll talk to h
er.”

  “Thank you,” she said. “Despite everything that happened with you guys I know she still cares about you.”

  “And I’ll always care about her.”

  Macy released a sigh before she walked away. She didn’t say goodbye, her mind somewhere else.

  I shut the door and thought about my ex-wife. She was alone in the world, and it didn’t seem like she had a chance with Conrad. She needed a friend to comfort her. For just an instant, I remembered how hard I worked to get her back. I was so close, almost had her, but then Conrad swooped in and realized what she meant to him. If only he weren’t there she and I could have worked on our relationship and gave our marriage another try.

  But then I shook the thoughts away.

  ***

  I pounded on Lexie’s door and waited for a response.

  Finally, she cracked the door. Her cheekbones were dramatic and hollow, and her eyes were just as empty. “Jared, what are you doing here?”’

  I didn’t need confirmation of Macy’s story. It was written all over her face. It was clear in the hard lines around her lips and eyes. “I didn’t know you and Conrad broke up.”

  “Oh…” She took a deep breath like she just remembered to breathe. “Yeah…it happened a while ago.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  She shrugged. “I wasn’t thinking.”

  I stepped inside even though she didn’t invite me. Her apartment was exactly how I remembered it. But it was a little darker, like she didn’t use the lights or open the curtains very often. I took a seat on the couch and waited for her to join me.

  When she fell onto the cushion she barely made an impact. She lost weight since I last saw her. She didn’t have the same curve to her hips or the tone in her arms.

  “Macy told me what happened…” I rested my elbows on my knees and stared at the floor.

  “Then there’s nothing to say.”

  “Why did you say no?” Macy already told me the answer but I wanted to hear it from Lexie.

  “I got scared. Dad just left Mom for a skank. She doesn’t even compare to Mom but he left her anyway. Marriage doesn’t work. It didn’t work for my parents or us. I assumed it wouldn’t work with Conrad either.”

  I understood her logic even if I didn’t agree with it. “But you and Conrad are different…”

  “I realize that now,” she whispered. “But it’s too late. He’s different now. He’s…darker than he used to be. Sometimes when I look at him I don’t recognize him. I ruined him far more than you ever ruined me.”

  I could only imagine how shitty Conrad felt.

  “But I can’t live without him. And despite what I did, I know he can’t live without me. But I don’t think he can ever forgive me, trust me, or let me in. I pushed him too far and broke his spirit.” She covered her face with her palms like she was trying not to cry. “I’d do anything to get him back. Anything at all.”

  “Did you tell him all of this?”

  “Countless times. Sometimes he looks at me the way he used to. And one time I walked home alone from his apartment. That’s something he would never allow when we were together, and when he let me find my own way I felt hopeless. But when I reached my door I turned around and saw him there. He’d been following me the whole time…making sure I was safe.”

  I wanted to hold her hand but I managed not to. “Conrad loves you. I saw it in his eyes a long time ago. And I can tell he’ll always love you.”

  “I don’t think that’s enough in this case…I really shattered him.”

  “Don’t expect him to recover overnight.”

  “I just don’t think this will ever work between us, not because we don’t love each other. Conrad’s soul has been destroyed in an irrevocable way. I left him a note under his door explaining why I left and he never got it. He spent the last five months wondering why I said no and took off. He never knew…”

  I bowed my head and sighed.

  “And he…spun out of control. There were girls and parties…I know I have no right to care but I do. And then Beatrice…”

  My ears perked up at her words. “Beatrice?”

  “She spends time with him…she got him a dog.” She closed her eyes like she was in pain. “Who knows what else they did. It’s stupid to feel jealous and betrayed but…it’s hard not to when I love him.”

  My head was pounding with the adrenaline that just kicked in. “Beatrice got him a dog?” She knew they broke up but never told me? She spent time with him behind my back? How long did this go on for? Did she sleep with him? Was she still into him?

  Now I felt jealous.

  And betrayed.

  “Yeah,” she answered with no emotion in her voice. “A German Shepard.”

  And she didn’t say a word to me?

  “I don’t know what to do, Jared. I know I fucked up but I really love him. After spending months alone I realized I made a mistake. I would much rather take a chance on Conrad and be heartbroken later than give up on him altogether.”

  I was only half listening to her.

  She turned to me. “What do you think I should do?”

  I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at her. “Never give up.” It was the only advice I had. “I remember the way Conrad felt about you. Emotion like that doesn’t just go away. You’re the love of his life. You still have a chance.”

  She nodded. “I guess I don’t have a choice…”

  “Keep trying. Eventually he’ll see your remorse.”

  “I know I don’t deserve him…but I can’t stay away. Does that make me a horrible person?”

  It was exactly what I had done to her. Only when I hurt her beyond repair did I truly want her…as sick as that made me sound. “No, not at all. You love him. You just made a mistake.”

  She kept her empty eyes on me. “Do you think you could talk to him for me?”

  The last thing I wanted to do was go near that asshole. He touched Beatrice—my girlfriend. I wasn’t sure who I was more upset with, him or my own girlfriend. “I don’t think that will change anything. He needs you right now, no one else.”

  She turned away and nodded in agreement. “I want that house with the picket fence…I want two kids that look just like him…and I want to make him dinner every night.”

  I couldn’t stand the sadness on her face so I didn’t look at her anymore. “You can still have that...someday.”

  She sniffed as she started to cry. “I just wish someday was today.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Lexie

  The last time I saw Conrad he followed me home. I couldn’t begin to describe the relief I felt when I realized he was behind me. It gave me hope, that we could be together again. He still cared about me. He even still loved me.

  And that pushed me forward.

  I made pot roast and vegetables, and I even made his favorite pie for dessert. I stood outside his door and tried to find the courage to knock. Last time I stopped by we ate dinner then watched TV together. Would that happen again? Or would he shut the door in my face? Our relationship was so strained that it was hard to predict what would happen.

  After I rapped my knuckles against the door I stood there and waited.

  Conrad opened the door with a desolated look on his face. He didn’t just look sad. He looked…absolutely devastated. His eyes were blank and hollow, and his shoulders looked so weak they couldn’t stay up much longer.

  “What happened?” I blurted it without thinking. I somehow knew it had nothing to do with me. Something else was bothering him, cutting him to the bone.

  He stood back from the door and walked away.

  I took that as an invite. I stepped inside and set the plastic containers on his kitchen table. Conrad moved to the couch and sat down, his arms resting on his knees. The TV was off and he stared at the blank screen.

  Something was definitely wrong.

  I took the seat beside him but refrained from touching him. Patiently, I waited for him to say s
omething, to open up to me even though I had no business being his confidant.

  Conrad took a deep breath like there was an invisible weight on his chest. “Skye and Cayson had their baby…”

  That should be a happy sentence, not one full of depression. And that told me everything I needed to know. “No…” Skye and Cayson were good people and didn’t deserve that.

  “He’s premature...doctors aren’t sure if he’s going to make it. He’s been under critical care and observation for almost two weeks. I hope he makes it…he’s held on this long.”

  My hand automatically went for his due to the shock of the situation. Their baby was small and helpless, and he was doing everything he could to make it to see another day.

  “He’s my nephew…” Conrad continued to stare at the TV screen. “And I might not get to meet him.”

  I scooted closer to him and squeezed his hand. “He’ll make it.”

  “His name is Cedric.”

  “Beautiful name.”

  “And I hope you’re right. Skye and I are a lot closer than we used to be. She’s like my sister…but better than Trinity.” He took another deep breath like he was fighting his emotions.

  “If Cedric has made it this far, he’ll make it all the way.” My fingers felt the texture of his skin, noting the callouses and the rough edges. It felt warm, just the way it used to. He used to grip my hair then my neck. I loved feeling his long fingers wrap around me.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t…it’s like losing my own child.” He shook his head. “I can’t explain it.”

  He didn’t need to. His family was woven together in an inexplicable way. The bonds that connected them were as strong as steel. Each one of them was innately linked to the other. I completely understood his expression…because I completely understood him. “Don’t think that way. Cedric will get through. Remember who his mother is. She can survive anything. And so can her son.”

  His eyes turned to me, and there was longing and desperation there.

  I held his gaze and tried to anticipate his next move.

  Conrad leaned back into the couch and pulled me with him. His thick arms hooked around my waist and pulled me right into his lap. My thighs straddled his hips, and for a moment it felt the way it used to.

  He held me close to him and pulled me against his chest. Then he didn’t move, just holding me in a tight embrace. His chest continued to rise and fall at a quick rate, like he was battling all the emotions deep inside.