Jaguar

by M. L. Hamilton

  He felt his knees go weak as he stared at her. Nancy had been right. The child had his eyes. He must have swayed because Wilson put a hand under his elbow.

  “Steady, young man,” he said.

  Jaguar wanted to speak, he wanted to go over to her, but he felt paralyzed. He hadn’t given the child much thought, certainly not the amount of thought she deserved, but now a riot of emotions were crowding his head at the same time and he couldn’t pull a single one to the forefront.

  The door opened at his back, but he didn’t turn to see who stepped inside. Then Sam Murphy walked around him, holding a bag of teddy bears. She took one out and hunkered down in front of the child clinging to her mother.

  “Can she have one? We keep them in our patrol car for scared kids.”

  Pam nodded, stroking her hand down the child’s hair. “Go ahead, Amanda,” she urged.

  Amanda reached out and took the bear. Then Sam brought out two more and held them out to the little boys. The older one came forward and took the bears, passing one to his little brother. Jaguar watched the exchange, watched Amanda stroke her cheek against the bear’s soft fur, but he still couldn’t formulate a coherent response.

  Finally Tate stirred and moved around him, holding out his hand to Murphy. “Can I have one of those?”

  Sam passed him one, then straightened from her crouch. Tate carried the bear over to a rundown couch and took a seat closest to the archway where Sophia hid. He fluffed the bear’s fur and straightened an ear. Then he held it out to the little girl.

  “This guy needs a home. He’s scared of all the noise and really needs a hug. You think you can take care of him for me?”

  The little girl’s eyes shifted from Jaguar to Tate and back again, then she eyed the bear.

  Tate stroked the fur between the bear’s ears. “He’s shaking, he’s so nervous with all those people outside. He really needs someone to hold him.”

  Pam disentangled herself from her daughter, taking her hand and leading her over to the couch. She hunkered down next to Tate, holding out her free hand. “Come here, Sophia. It’s okay, sweetheart.”

  The little girl ran to her aunt and Pam pulled her close, brushing back the thick brown hair.

  “Take the bear, honey,” she urged.

  Sophia took the bear from Tate. “Thank you,” she said in a little voice.

  Tate smiled at her.

  Sophia hugged the bear close, burying her face in its fur. Pam released her daughter and turned Sophia, pointing at Jaguar. “Sophia, I want you to meet someone.” She nodded for Jaguar to come closer.

  Somehow Jaguar got his legs moving and he walked over to the couch, sinking down next to Tate. Pam stroked Sophia’s hair away from her face. She was a pretty child -- delicate features and a wealth of hair. And those large blue eyes were stunning. Emotion swamped Jaguar and he swallowed, trying to contain it.

  “Sophia, this is Jaguar,” Pam said, pointing at Jaguar.

  Sophia stared at him unblinking and Jaguar wanted to squirm. The idea of her being his child seemed alien, but he couldn’t deny it now. No one could, seeing her eyes. His mother’s eyes. He sucked in a shivery breath.

  Pam pressed a kiss to the child’s temple. “He’s your father, Sophia,” she whispered.

  ***

  He’s your father.

  Jaguar stared at the ceiling above his bed and tried to find shapes in the texture. They hadn’t stayed long and Sophia hadn’t talked to him, but Sheriff Wilson had assured Pam that they would maintain a police presence until the paparazzi left. Having Jaguar leave drew some of them away and they milled outside the gated community, making a nuisance of themselves.

  Pam had made him promise to meet her the next day at the Caffeinator to discuss Sophia and Jaguar’s roll in her life. She’d changed her mind about giving him full-custody, she said, but she still wanted him to be involved. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but he didn’t want to remove Sophia from the only home she had. She was obviously bonded to her aunt and her aunt’s children, and after her mother’s death, it probably wasn’t a good idea to make changes too quickly.

  A clatter sounded from the kitchen and Jaguar threw back the covers, climbing out of bed. He pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, then he padded barefoot through the dark hallway and across the living room to the doorway of the kitchen. Henry was making himself a plate of food with the leftovers from the wake.

  He looked up when Jaguar appeared in the doorway. “Want something?” he asked, motioning to the turkey he had on a fork.

  “Sure,” said Jaguar, taking a seat at the table. He realized this was the first time he’d felt hungry all day.

  Henry piled food onto two plates and carried them to the table, setting one in front of his son, then he took a seat at the opposite end of the table. Jaguar got up and went to the fridge, pulling open the door.

  “Want a soda?”

  “Sure,” said Henry.

  Jaguar brought two tin cans back to the table, handing one to his father, then he popped his open and took a sip. Henry pushed the food around his plate with his fork, finally taking a bite. Jaguar did the same and they ate in silence for a while. After they’d both cleared their plates, Henry sat back, his eyes settling on his son.

  “How’d it go at the sister’s house today?”

  Jaguar blew out air, leaning back in his own chair. “Nancy died. The paparazzi showed up, demanding Pam tell them what Nancy’s last words were. They said some other awful things and scared the kids.”

  “Did you see the girl?”

  “Sophia?”

  Henry nodded, reaching for his soda can.

  “Yeah. She wouldn’t talk to me, but I met her. Pam says she doesn’t want to give me full custody anymore.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  Jaguar shrugged. “I really don’t know.” He traced a finger over the line on a tattoo, a musical note. “I mean, I don’t think I’m necessarily equipped to take care of a child, but…” He shook his head. “Something changed looking at her. I mean, before she was an abstract and now, she’s real.”

  Henry nodded. “I get that. I keep thinking I have a granddaughter, but it’s not really set in yet.”

  “Yeah.” Jaguar looked out at the darkened yard.

  “Is that why you can’t sleep?”

  “Well, that and today.” He stretched. “Today or yesterday was harder than I thought it would be.”

  “It was,” said Henry, his eyes going distant as he stared at the table. “I just keep thinking I’m going to wake up and she’ll be here. I can’t get my head around a world where she isn’t in it.”

  Jaguar didn’t say anything for a moment. He and his father were overdue for a long talk, but he hated to break the detente between them. Still, it had to be done. They had some decisions to make.

  “Pops?”

  Henry’s gaze snapped to his face.

  “We need to talk about something and I need you not to get angry.”

  Henry’s eyes narrowed. “Speak your peace, son.”

  “I have a condo in LA. I need to get back there and salvage whatever career I have left. What do you think of selling this place and you moving down there with me?”

  Henry gave him a closed-mouth smile. “I think I’d be miserable in a city that big. No, I think I’ll stay here. There’s nothing in LA for me.”

  Except a son, Jaguar thought, but he didn’t voice it.

  “I know you need to get back and I appreciate you going through this with me.”

  He appreciated it? What the hell? Ida had been his mother. Of course he was going to go through it with him. But rather than lash out, Jaguar held his tongue. Henry was trying to show gratitude and Jaguar knew it didn’t come easy for him.

  He traced the tattoo on his arm again. Then he rose to his feet and gathered the plates, going to the sink to wash them. He didn’t know why he was disappointed. He’d known Henry would never agree to come with him, but he hadn’t even
pretended to give it any thought.

  When Jaguar turned back, Henry had left the room. He wandered back to his own room and grabbed his guitar, sinking into the chair at a desk he’d rarely used growing up. When his parents had moved into this house years ago, they recreated his room exactly as it had been at every other place they’d lived. He guessed it had never occurred to them he was a grown man now.

  He strummed his fingers across the guitar and his thoughts turned to Nancy. He had so many conflicting emotions about her. She was the mother of his child, but she’d tried to kill him. Yet, she’d thought she was protecting that child by doing so. It was a convoluted rationalization, he knew, but she was dying, so who was he to judge her feelings of desperation?

  He couldn’t deny she’d loved Sophia. She’d done everything for the little girl.

  A lyric niggled at the back of his mind and he pulled open the desk drawer, looking for a pad of paper and a pencil. He found both and set them on the desktop, then he flipped open the pad. Strumming his fingers along the strings, he thought of Nancy’s sacrifice, her drive to do everything in her power to protect her daughter. Finally, he lifted the pencil and he wrote the first lyrics he’d written in years.

  ***

  Jaguar and Hakim showed up to the Caffeinator early. He wanted to be in place before Pam showed up and he wanted to see if the paparazzi would follow him. Zion and Dottie both came out from behind the counter and hugged him in turn.

  “What are you doing here?” Zion asked.

  “Meeting Pam to talk about Sophia.”

  “Tate told me what happened yesterday. Are you all right?”

  Jaguar rubbed the back of his neck. “Sure. I mean, I don’t know. Yesterday wasn’t a great day.”

  Dottie reached up and touched his cheek. “Today will be better.”

  “I hope so.”

  “It will. I’m trying a new gluten free recipe in your honor. I’ll bring you a sample with a café au lait.”

  He smiled at her. “You’re spoiling me, Dottie.”

  “You deserve a little spoiling right now,” she said and went back behind the counter to whip up his drink.

  “Let me know if you need anything.” Zion looked around him at the taxi driver. “What can I get you? It’s on the house.”

  “Coffee black,” he said. “Thank you.” Touching Jaguar’s shoulder, he motioned to the tables Zion had set up outside the coffee shop. “I’ll wait out there. That way I can spot the paparazzi if they start in this direction.”

  Jaguar gave the taxi driver a grateful nod and realized he would have hired Hakim on the spot yesterday if he didn’t plan on going back to LA. As it was, he was spending a fortune in taxi fare, but he didn’t care right now.

  He took his favorite seat in the window and stared out at Main. He could see Jim Dawson’s Cut & Print across the street and he wondered if he should stop in and thank his old teacher for the kindness he’d shown him lately.

  A moment later, Dottie set a plate in front of him with what looked like a bear claw and his favorite café au lait. “Gluten free. We’re getting quite a few people asking for it now. Let me know what you think. I want you to be completely honest.”

  He smiled at her again. “Thank you, Dottie.”

  She touched his shoulder, then moved back behind the counter. Jaguar tore off a piece and put it in his mouth, although he felt anything but hungry. He couldn’t believe how nervous he was meeting Pam today. He chewed and swallowed, then gave Dottie a thumbs up. It really was good, but then he’d known Dottie was a pro at baking.

  She beamed at him and nudged Zion. Zion beamed as well.

  He focused his attention out the window again. A number of people entered the coffee shop, some of them giving him curious looks. He ignored them, sipping his coffee, his mind preoccupied by the song about Nancy that he’d begun writing the previous night.

  You gave your life.

  You gave your soul.

  Did you know?

  Did you see?

  Blue eyes.

  Shadows.

  Shadows behind blue eyes.

  He didn’t think Nancy had made the right choice, but he couldn’t deny she’d sacrificed everything for their daughter. He’d never had anyone in his life that he’d do that for, that he’d even considered sacrificing for.

  He could hear the melody in his head. He could see the notes in his mind’s eye. He didn’t remember the last time he’d been motivated to write.

  He blinked as the chimes tinkled over the door and Pam stepped through. Her eyes scanned the shop, then came to rest on him. She wore a pair of shorts and a baggy sweater, her hair still in the messy ponytail. No makeup on her face. She walked over and slid into the chair across from him.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Hey,” he answered. Her eyes were still red-rimmed, her nose pink and raw looking. “The kids at the Y?”

  “Yeah. They take swimming lessons and tennis.”

  “Have you got Nancy’s office cleaned out? I could help if you need it.” He knew he was making small talk, but he didn’t know what else to do.

  “No, I’m good. It’s almost done.”

  “Can I get you something?” He motioned at his drink and bear claw.

  “Um, I’m not hungry. Maybe an espresso. I need the jolt.”

  He got up and went to order it. As he waited for the line to clear, he studied Dottie’s display. She’d made croissants this morning, so he pointed at one. “Can I have one of those?”

  She dished it up. “What else, sugar?”

  “She wants an espresso.”

  “I’ll make it and bring it over. You can pay Zion later.”

  “Thank you,” he said, taking the croissant that Dottie placed on the counter. He carried it back and set it in front of Pam. “You need to eat something. You’ve got to keep your strength up.”

  She broke off a piece and put it in her mouth. Looking around, she asked, “Is there any water?”

  He went over to a cart with a pitcher of water on it and poured her a glass. Dottie met him in the middle of the floor with the espresso, so he carried both back to Pam, taking his seat again. He sipped at his coffee and watched her eat the flaky pastry. A few minutes later it was finished and she leaned back, sighing. Lifting a napkin, she wiped her mouth.

  “I was hungrier than I thought,” she said. “I can’t remember the last time I ate.”

  “I’m sorry about Nancy, Pam,” he said.

  Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them back. “Thank you, but I’m just glad she’s not suffering anymore.”

  “Do you need help with the funeral costs?”

  “No, Nancy made all the arrangements before she died.”

  “Did you…” His voice faltered and he cleared it. “Did you tell Sophia?”

  The tears did fall then. “I did. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Tell a little girl her mother is dead. She’s hardly spoken since.”

  Jaguar took another napkin out of the dispenser on the table and passed it to Pam. She dabbed at her eyes. Picking up the water, she took a sip, then leveled a look on him. “Listen, Jaguar, I’ve changed my mind about custody.”

  “What?” He recoiled at her abrupt change in topic. “I thought…”

  “I know. I was upset and panicked. I said things I didn’t mean, but I don’t want to give Sophia up. I love that little girl like she was my own.”

  “So you don’t want me in her life?” He couldn’t believe how hurt he was.

  “No, that’s not it at all. I want you in her life. I need you to be in her life, but I don’t think we should make any radical changes just yet. I think you should spend a little time with her, then gradually increase to weekends, and then we’ll see where we go from there.” She touched his hand. “I’m not trying to keep you away from her, but I just think it would be better for her until she gets to know you. I also don’t think she should be uprooted right now and I know you want to get back to LA.”


  He did, but he wanted to know his daughter, he realized.

  “She can stay with me and you can see her whenever you’re in town.”

  “I’ll give you child support,” he said lamely. He didn’t know what else to say.

  “I don’t want your money, Jaguar. That’s not what this is about.” She sounded almost angry. “Besides, Nancy left me a little.”

  “How will you support four kids though, Pam?”

  “I have my job cleaning houses. It’s not bad. It allows me to keep the kids with me if one of them gets sick.”

  “Cleaning house?” Not only did she have four kids to take care of, but she had a physically demanding job.

  “It’s good, solid work, Jaguar.”

  “I know, but…”

  “But nothing.”

  “What about your own house? Is it big enough for four kids?”

  “We make do right now.”

  “I could…”

  “No!” she said sharply. “You don’t understand. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone else. Just be a father to Sophia when you’re around. That’s all I ask.”

  He felt slapped in the face. When he was around? She didn’t have much faith in him.

  She ran a hand over her hair, smoothing it down. “I’m sorry. I’m just so tired. It’s been such a long couple of days.”

  “What would you be if you could?” he asked suddenly.

  Her gaze slowly rose to him. “What?”

  “What would you do if you could do anything for a living?”

  She thought for a moment. “I’d become a hospice nurse.”

  “Really?”

  She nodded. “When Nancy was dying, I would help out with her care. The nurses said I had a knack for it. I think it would be the most rewarding thing to be able to help people at the end of their lives.”

  “You need a degree for that?”

  “Yeah, at least an AA in nursing.”

  “Why don’t you get it?”

  “What? How?” She rolled her eyes. “When?”

  “Now. I’ll help you. I can take the kids while you’re in class and I’ll pay for it.”

  “I’m not…”

  He held up a hand. “It’s the least I can do. Call it a scholarship. We can set it up like that. Whatever you want, but let me help, Pam. Please. I need this as much as you do.”