Island Skye

by Fox Brison

  “Skye…” I stopped and turned around to see Robbie slump to the floor. He was the one crying now. “Shit, Skye, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… I don’t know what to do any more… I’m so scared of turning into him, yet I seem powerless to stop it. Maybe we’re cursed, our family.” I sat down and hugged him. He put his head on my shoulder and cried some more.

  “Dad?” Jamie was holding an almost flat soccer ball under his arm and his eyes were flicking between us.

  “Go on inside with Natalie, Jamie” I smiled wanly at him. “Your Dad and I need to talk for a minute.” Jamie was reluctant, but when Angela appeared at the door holding the kettle, he followed her in. “Talk to me Rob.”

  “We never knew any better, did we?” The question was rhetorical. “Mam was out at work all day, and most evenings, and when Dad was around and sober, god he was the best, wasn’t he?” I nodded in agreement. There had been some good times mixed in with the truly horrendous. “It was when the mines closed... he never got his respect back, always having to work shitty jobs, Mam having to go out cleaning houses for people he went to school with. It hurt his pride.” I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. I needed to let Robbie have his say. “Dad became a monster and it was easier to agree with him than to fight. Especially after Mam died. I was frightened, Skye, terrified of losing him as well. So I blamed you. I was a coward, I know, I should have stood up to him, stood up for you. But I couldn’t… I just...” the words failed him again. “Skye, I…” he hesitated.

  “Go on, Rob, tell me, let it out.”

  “Sometimes I wished it had been me he threw out, you know, the one who got to escape, the one who managed to leave it all behind, the one who got to leave him behind. Some days I stand at the back door gripping the handle and think about just going. Then I’d hear Angie calling on the boys, or Malcom talking to you on Skype, telling you what he’d done at school and my heart would stop hurting.”

  “Rob… I…”

  “I was jealous, Skye,” he slogged on. This was something he’d obviously wanted to get off his chest for a long time and there was no way he was stopping now. “You had the brains and the motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I love Angie and the boys, I wouldn’t not have them for all the tea in China, yeah? But there’s days, especially since the auld man took poorly, that I would think of ye in your place at Durham and wish I’d left too.” He looked down at his feet. “So instead of blaming him for being a bigoted bastard who beat the shit out of his kids, I blamed you because after that day when Dad went for you, nothing was ever the same. It was like this monster was unleashed and he didn’t know how to put it back in its cage. If anything he got worse, would fly off the handle at the slightest thing.”

  “Do you think Mam ever suspected how bad it was?” I asked, knowing the answer deep inside, but wanting him to tell me anyway.

  “Yeah, Mam knew. She worked longer hours, her way of coping.”

  “Why didn’t just leave him? Did she not love us enough? Or did she love him more?”

  “Mam was weak, Skye, didn’t have the strength to leave. She thought it enough to keep the roof over our heads and food on our plates. It’s different here, isn’t it? We’re still rooted in the past. Folks don’t split up so quickly, things are hidden from the neighbours. Image is everything. She hated being the brunt of the gossip mongers.” He paused and looked at me and I reluctantly nodded. My mother had as much to answer for as my father, but she’d left us in a manner that made it impossible to blame her for anything. Death has a way of deleting bad memories and replacing them with sepia snapshots of only the good.

  “And you left us,” Robbie finally continued with a sigh. “That day when he first snapped, that was the day you made the decision to quit on me and Cameron. Eight years old. You would either hide out in your room, or be at the nursing home. And when you met Sara, ye’d hide out on the island. I blamed you for that too, for leaving us behind. And yes, I blamed you for Mam dying.” He took a deep breath. “It was easier to blame you than to stand up to him.”

  I could have told him there then to bugger off. I could have chastised him and walked away, like he had me. But the memory of the ten year old boy was still fresh in my mind, and I knew that the wall that kept us apart for so many years had a tiny window of opportunity in it. It was now up to me to open it wide. “Do you still blame me?” I held my breath.

  “No, Skye. My head’s clearer now.”

  “Thanks to Angie smacking the back of it?” I said with a chuckle.

  “Something like that. I know it won’t be easy and I know I probably don’t deserve it, but do you think you could give me a second chance? A second chance to be the brother I was, to be the man I should be. I know it’ll take time, but will you forgive me?”

  “Of course I forgive you. I’m sorry you felt that I abandoned you, I thought I was making things easier. I want that second chance too. You’re my big brother, right?” I hugged him again and the world shifted. No-one was dead yet, we still had time to fight. Together. As a family. “Let me help. He won’t accept it, but you have to, you and Angie need a break. Does Cameron help out?”

  “He comes round now and again, normally on a Saturday morning so Ange and me can go shopping. Sometimes he’ll take the boys, but you know what Ali’s like.”

  “So Cameron wears the skirt in that household?” I joked. It was awful thinking it, but this tragedy was bringing Robbie and I back together and I hoped it would do the same for Cameron and me.

  “Aye, a bloody pleated one!” Robbie chuckled. “She drags him to mass every Sunday.” That said it all. I’d totally forgotten Allison and her family were holier than thou. Hence the shotgun wedding rather than abortion.

  “Look it’s not much, but let me pay for a nurse. She can come in for a couple of hours every morning and maybe a few nights a week. Give you and Angie a break, let you spend some time with the boys.”

  He grabbed me and held me tight. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to thank ye,” he choked out. “I have this nightmare she’s going to leave me, that it gets too much for her.”

  “You’re an idiot Robert Donaghie,” Angela was carrying a tray piled with cups and cake. “Natalie and Skye are going to have lunch with us.” Her eyes were rimmed with red, but bright with love as she watched the two of us connecting for the first time in years.

  “I can’t refuse a free lunch. Besides, I have a favour to ask.”

  “Anything!” Rob said eagerly. I think he would have given me his next born son to try and make up for his past sins.

  “Can the boys come and stay with me on the island for a couple of days? I really would love to spend a bit of time with them.”

  At that point my brother looked at me like I could walk on water. “Thanks,” he said gruffly and I smiled warmly.

  My brother was mine again.

  ***

  After lunch I rubbed my full stomach. “Cheese and onion, my favourite. So boys? What would you say to coming with me to Holy Island for a few days?”

  “Yay!” they shouted in unison.

  “Yay!” Natalie said with a twinkle. She wasn’t quite as exuberant as the boys. Things were proceeding nicely on the personal front, and a one bedroom cottage wouldn’t allow much privacy from two rambunctious boys, but I saw she was pleased for me. “Your Mam and Dad will help you finish packing, whilst me and your Aunty Skye clear away, okay?”

  “Okay Nat!” Jamie pulled a reluctant Malcom away from her; he really wasn’t impressed with being dragged from Natalie’s lap. He’d taken quite the shine.

  “I’ll be back in a sec,” I said and gave Natalie a peck on the cheek. “I need to visit the little girl’s room.”

  “Any excuse to get out of the wash up!” she yelled after me.

  I looked at myself in the mirror and grinned. It was amazing how a simple lunch with family could raise such joy in my eyes. I had sticky marks where Jamie had rubbed his jam encrusted fingers on my face, so I cleaned them off using som
e of Angie’s facial wipes. Damn. My smile melted away. The bruise was now more prominent and I didn’t have time to cover it up again. Hopefully, no-one would notice.

  Natalie and I began loading the boys’ gear in the car. They were only coming for a few days, but Natalie called it right; they weren’t leaving much behind. Seemingly they couldn’t manage without their games system or their entire collection of football magazines.

  “You must have been a whizz at Tetris back in the day,” Natalie said handing me another toy, this one a garage, to fit into the boot.

  “Aye, it seems they are more like me than I realised.”

  “You never did tell me what happened the other day, sweetie,” she traced her finger down my bruised cheek. “It was your Dad, wasn’t it?” I sensed the ripples of anger flickering through her body.

  “I’ve never pushed his buttons on purpose before,” I avoided answering directly.

  “You didn’t push his buttons,” she bent until her forehead was touching mine. Her warm breath was coming out in ragged gasps, and I ached for my lips to stretch the few centimetres to hers.

  So I did.

  Our lips touched, softly at first. Natalie placed her hands on my hips and I wrapped mine around her neck, our tongues slowly dancing with each other and we only stopped when a polite cough interrupted us. Natalie stepped back, but one possessive hand remained on my waist.

  “The boys are packed and raring to go,” Robbie said, his face red. “And here’s, erm, the other information Angie said ye wanted.” He handed me a folded piece of paper and I smiled warmly.

  “Well done that man!” I lightened the sombre mood using a phrase we’d often used as children when teasing each other.

  He frowned, his eyes drawn to the bruise on my face, before they rapidly flicked between Natalie and me. “What the hell, Skye?” They finally landed on Natalie who’d been cradling the injury seconds before.

  “It’s not what you think,” I explained, caught off guard by his sudden protective display. I was eight again and he was my shield. “I turned quickly and banged against the open door of the kitchen cabinet, I’m always-”

  “Bullshit,” Robbie swore.

  “Rob, leave it.” My tone brooked no further argument, I had, after all, used my best angry teacher’s voice and wore my best angry teacher’s face.

  “I know what it looks like when a woman’s been hit. You get off on it, Jeffries?” Wow okay. Whilst my brother’s new found concern was incredibly heart-warming, he was so far off base he was about to steal third.

  “Jesus, Rob, get a grip. It wasn’t her, it was Dad the other day.”

  His jaw clenched. “Sorry, Nat,” Robbie said. “I don’t know why I thought that, I should have known better. Ye always looked out for Skye, even at school.”

  Huh? School? “What now?” Natalie was shuffling nervously.

  “Ye didn’t know? About the county hockey trials?” Robbie looked between the two of us.

  “What about them?” I moved away from Natalie and wrapped my arms around my waist, holding myself together and apart from her. Even though she was hurt by my purely defensive reaction, it was instinctive; I hated being caught unawares.

  “It was nothing,” Natalie said. “I’ll go and get the boys. We only have a few hours until the tide cuts us off.” She went into the house leaving me and my brother outside.

  “Robbie?”

  “Shit, sorry, Skye. I hope I haven’t caused bother between you two?”

  “Robbie?” The pain in my bruised cheek was now being exacerbated by me grinding my teeth together tightly.

  “It was Ali.” It always was. “She thought it would be a laugh tay put chilli powder in yer kit. Natalie stopped her.” I remembered the day vividly. There were eight of us from the school chosen to try out for the Northumberland hockey team. I remembered it because I made the development squad, the only goalkeeper from our school to ever do so, and Natalie…

  “Natalie never got to try out. Ms Hansen said she’d an injury.”

  “She didn’t,” Robbie said, “she had Ali by the throat, told her if she didn’t lay off you there’d be hell to pay, according to Angie. Their friendship was never the same again.”

  “How come no-one said anything to me?”

  “What was the point? Natalie made the team the next year, and Ali knew to leave ye alone.”

  “I could have defended myself,” I argued lamely.

  “Aye, you were always very good at that,” he said sceptically. Okay so I was a lemur when it came to self-defence and usually hid myself as far away from predators as I could.

  I looked towards the house. What a goddamned fool I’d been. “I guess I owe her a thank you.” I owed her far more than that. I owed her a huge apology after accusing her of always looking out for number one.

  ***

  Natalie was driving and I was answering random questions thrown at me by two extremely hyper little chaps bouncing on the back seat. I could see her relaxing the further away from Berwick we drove. I could also tell she was wondering what was going on in my mind. I knew this because she kept sending me sideways glances when she thought I wasn’t looking, or was occupied explaining to the boys why cows lay down in the fields or why the moon could be seen when it was daytime; the first was a common sight, the second a rarity in the north-east as there was usually grey or black clouds covering the pale white orb.

  Reason number two hundred and ninety three for not having children: the endless questions, some of which could only be answered with a frustrated ‘because.’

  “Hey,” I said when the boys were distracted with their hudls.

  “Hey,” she replied with a nervous smile.

  “So, that was why Ali never invited you to her wedding, huh?”

  Natalie snickered. “Apparently. It might have also been down to the fact that I was the spawn of Satan and would burst into a column of flame if I entered the hallowed halls of her church.”

  I placed my hand on her left thigh and squeezed. “I’m thinking about getting this tattooed on my forehead so I don’t have to keep saying it. Thank you.”

  “Don’t you dare, I’m not a fan of ink,” she smiled. “Anyways there’s no need. She was a bully.” She shrugged her shoulders as if to say, whatever.

  “Is a bully,” I kept my eye on the two behind me. They had ears larger than an elephant and mouths as big as a hippo’s.

  They also shared my brother’s lack of tact and verbal off-switch.

  “Is a bully,” Natalie agreed. “Is her kid any better?”

  “I hope so, I hope Cameron stands up for what he believes in.”

  “You don’t know?” Natalie chanced a glance at me, but then turned swiftly back to the road.

  “I’ve seen her, Gemma that is, twice. Once at Malcom’s christening when she was barely walking, and the second time at Edinburgh Zoo.”

  “The zoo?” Natalie said surprised, finding it hard to imagine me and Ali sharing family fun time at the zoo without one of us trying to feed the other to the crocodiles.

  “Angie brought the kids up to meet me there, I was spending the Easter weekend in Edinburgh.”

  “Alone?” she asked, her tone light, but she gripped the steering wheel.

  “Jealous?”

  “Yes,” Natalie answered honestly, and I felt a little rush of pleasure.

  Okay, a huge rush of pleasure.

  “Yes, I was alone. No-one I’ve ever dated has met the boys, truth be told. There’s never been anyone that special.”

  “Before now, that is.” Her eyes were glued to the road, and although her statement was nonchalant, I knew my answer was important. Very important.

  “Yes, before now.” Natalie didn’t respond at first, and I wondered if I misjudged the situation.

  Thank god I hadn’t. “Good. Okay. Good. I’m glad we got that one sorted. Good.” Her fingers found mine, briefly, before returning to the steering wheel. I smiled. I loved it when she was nervous.

&nbs
p; “Aunty Skye?”

  “Yes, Malcom?” I turned in my seat to look at him.

  “Is Natalie yer girlfriend?”

  Hmm. Okay. How do I answer this one? I knew Angie had told the boys I would have girlfriends, not boyfriends, and I know she would have stressed how okay that was. My quandary was what label do I put on this fledgling relationship that isn’t going to send either one of us running for the hills?

  “I hope to be,” Natalie answered for me.

  Perfectly I might add.

  “Do ye love Aunty Skye like Mummy loves Daddy? Do ye live in her house? Do ye squeeze her spots?”

  “What?” I asked, appalled.

  “Mam squeezes Daddy’s spots when they’re in bed. Do you sleep in Aunty Skye’s bed?”

  Holy smokes Batman, shut up now, Malcom. No filter. Seriously, kids should come with health warnings – will damage their aunt’s love life before it even gets started.

  “I think I’m well on the way, no, eww no, and I’m working on it,” Natalie said sotto voce and I flushed. Thankfully the boys were too young to really understand the answers she had given.

  But I wasn’t and they revealed she was painting me into her future.

  Chapter 23

  Skye

  The cottage smelt insanely good. Fresh garlic bread was cooling on a rack on the counter top and the lasagne was in the oven, bubbling merrily along. The cottage also smelt of young children. Weird, I know. Kids don’t have a specific smell, do they? Or was it just my nephews that did? Anyway. The cottage had smelt different over the last twenty four hours and the only difference was that the boys were there.

  Oh, and Natalie.

  She’d arrived early in the morning and taken the boys off in her boat. I was nervous, very nervous, when she first suggested it; I don’t know why, she was an experienced sailor who knew these waters like the back of her hand. There was no chance in hell anything would happen to any of them.