Ragged Heroes: An Epic Fantasy Collection

by Andy Peloquin

  “You got ash in your ears? I asked you all a question.”

  Nine pairs of eyebrows rose. The bandits hadn’t ever been spoken to in such a way, at least, not in the longest of whiles. Shoot, they were probably so used to getting want they wanted through fear, violence, and threats that they didn’t know exactly how to handle Cuda. Should they be afraid? Or should they go on with the act of being tough?

  Out of the lot, one man was singled out, as the rest of the men retreated their choulos, leaving him out in front. Half his head looked to have been burned in the past, leaving nothing but charred skin. The other half had dirty, matter red hair, but he had a bushy black moustache that twitched a little when he saw his so-called comrades had abandoned him .

  “Guess you’re the one I’m s’possed to have words with.” Cuda kicked Bella lightly and she trotted up to the choulo, which reared its lips and hissed at the shagra, even if it was four times itsweight.

  “You got a lot of nerve talkin’ to us like that, you do,” said the man. He played with the side of his head that had no hair. “We oughta cut you down for that.”

  Cuda spit out the side of his mouth, the wad of saliva going a good impressive ten feet away. Even this simple act brought down the man’s demeanor by a lot. Poor guy was probably shaking in his boots.

  “How’s about you go and get your so-called boss,” Cuda said, pulling down a rag and revealing more of his own bright red eyes.

  “What'chu mean by, “so-called”?” asked the man. “You must have a death wish if yer wantin’ to call upon the leader of the Desolators!”

  “I’m not wishin’ a damn thing,” Cuda said, unraveling a little bit more of his rags. “Son, you don’t know nothin’ about no Desolaters, I’ll tell you that. Now, how’s about you go get that so-called boss of yours.”

  “Why you keep sayin’ that I don’t know nothin’ about the Desolators when I am a bona-fide member of that company. What you’re sayin’ don’t make much sense, friend. Tell ‘em, boys.”

  The boys in the back were quiet. Not a peep out of them; if anything, a few of them even pulled their choulos a few feet farther away. Cuda was known for putting that energy out there. People feared him before they knew him.

  “I’m sayin’ I know all about the Desolators because I…” Cuda pulled off the rest of his mask of cloths, showing off his scarred and ragged face. “…am its founder. Now, I’ll give you one last chance to go and get that higher up of yours before I start whippin’ some ass around here.”

  Cuda, with one of his quickest draws yet, dropped the whip out of his long sleeve and cracked it so loud that he was sure the people of Zel hundreds of miles away heard it. It was so loud that even his ears, rugged after so many years of cracking whips, tingled a bit.

  There was something else Cuda knew about choulos that many men didn't, and that was that the critters had the tendency to faint at the sound of loud and abrupt noises. And guess what? That’s just what happened.

  The domino effect of men falling sideways off their mount was comical to Cuda, but not as funny as how fast they ran toward their base camp afterward. The man with the burnt face, now pulling himself out from under his choulo, stared at him white-faced with fear.

  Cuda hopped off Bella and strode over to him, circling the whip around his right forearm. He bent low so the man with only one ear could hear him properly.

  “Oh, and tell him that good ole Splitter is back in town.”

  Chapter 3

  “Well I’ll be a son of a bitch!” exclaimed the leader of the Desolaters as he hopped off his choulo and walked towards Cuda, his hand extended.

  The man with the burnt face hadn’t been lying too awful bad. Here Cuda was, shaking hands with a man he’d known so many years ago. His second in command. A ruthless bastard if ever there was one.

  “I’m not here on good relations, Titan. I know what yer up to around these parts.”

  Titan let go of Cuda’s hand, a big ass smile on his face as he shook his head.

  “Good ol' Splitter with that legendary conscience of yours. You know, I even heard you became a man of the law. Tell me that ain’t true.”

  “It’s right as molten rain, it is,” Cuda replied, his lips tightening into a thin line. He hated to have to confront such a good old buddy of his, but he was here on business. This was no pleasurable affair.

  “That’s too damn bad, and I sure as the four hells are cold hate to hear that. I’m guessin’ you’re wantin’ to put a stop to my arrangements here.”

  Cuda nodded his head once. “That’s why I’m here, Titan. We put the Desolaters to a rest all those years ago, and fer good reason. I hear you have a wife and child of yer own. Ain’t that a good reason to stop with all the crime?”

  Titan put a hand on Cuda’s shoulder and slapped it a few times. “I sure do have a wife and child, but you know what I ain’t got? Food to put in the mouth of my wife and child. Wouldn’t that make my little business here worthwhile? To see them fed?”

  Cuda thought about it a moment. “I guess that makes it a tad more admirable, but you know I just can’t turn a blind eye to this sort of mess. I made a promise. I took an oath. I am the law now, Titan. I can’t just turn away from this.”

  The twenty or so men were back on their choulos, all with much more confident faces now that they had their boss out on the front lines. They were roarin’ and ready to strike at Cuda with just a single word. That was the power Titan had over people and that was why he’d made such an excellent second-in-command.

  Titan hocked a loogie and shot it out a good distance away. Cuda did the same. Titan smiled his wide smile and tapped the lawman’s belly.

  “The years’ve been good to you, Splitter.”

  “I reckon they have.”

  “Wish I could say the same. You been hear'n about all the scarcity goin’ around?”

  “I reckon I have.”

  “Well it ain’t no good, Splitter. Ain’t no good at all. See all these good men behind me?” Titan gestured to all the good men behind him.

  “I reckon I do.”

  “They’re all hungry, Splitter. Now, see here, I have one job here and this one job ain’t gonna hurt nobody nohow. I tell you that from the goodness of my heart. You always did trust my judgement, didn’t you, Splitter?”

  “I reckon I did.”

  “Well, trust me now when I say I don’t wanna hurt nobody. I just want that damn precious gem and me and my associates will hit the ol' ashy trail. And, judgin’ by the looks of the town, I'dsay they haven’t even cashed in on the damn thing! That’s a waste of money, ain’t it, Splitter? Don'tcha think that could put bread in my little girl’s tummy?”

  “I reckon it could.”

  Titan’s teeth showed through his lips, his eyes hungry as he put his arm around Cuda and walked him a little ways away from the rest of the gang. He put his mouth to the lawman’s ear.

  “Now, listen here, Splitter. I got a deal for you. You look the other way and I give you half the profit. Now, what do you say about that? We hurt nobody. We just get in, get out. I’m tellin’ you that if we tell that damn town shithole—”

  “Hitsholuh,” Cuda corrected.

  “Whatever. We tell Hitsholuh that we got the legendary Splitter on our side, and you know we will have our way! They ain’t gonna wanna get in the way, and that just means no violence needed! Dudn’t that sound great?”

  Cuda couldn’t help but nod his head. All his dreams of living on his own and not needing to worry about ever having to work another sun-cycle in that damn jailhouse again got his skin all pimply. He could really get behind the idea of finally being able to get away from just about everyone until he just couldn’t live on the land no more, and all he would have to do was go into town for just a sun-cycle to get a few more supplies, then he’d be back on his own once more. The possibilities with that amount of currency were endless for him. Maybe he could open up his own shagra ranch. Now wouldn’t that be a dream?

  “
Titan, you drive a hard bargain. And you say no violence, am I correct?”

  “You have my word,” Titan said, licking his lips. “Not an ounce of blood.”

  Cuda heard footsteps coming up behind them. He turned to see a hunched man with a white long beard and only one tooth, his yellow eyes staring up at him something hard. He shook his head at the lawman and spit at his feet.

  “I ‘ear they call you Splittuh on account of you’s splittin’ the head of a man with a single swing of a sword.”

  Cuda said not a word and neither did Titan. The new leader of the Desolators knew when to keep his mouth shut. This wasn’t going to be good. Not good at all.

  “If you’s ask me! I’d say that’s a bunch’a hogwash!” The toothless man spat another wad of brown spit, hitting the edge of Cuda’s very dirty boot. “I don’t see a sword on you’s nowhere’s! You ain’t nothin’ but a, uh, uh, a deceiver! Ha! Yes’m, a deceiver is what you are!”

  “Kiss ‘em,” Cuda said under his breath.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “Kiss…them,” repeated Cuda.

  “Your fuckin’ boots? Kiss ‘em yerself, ya dirty bastard.”

  The old man turned to walk away, but Cuda grabbed him with all the strength he could muster. The old man’s shoulder crunched under his grip as Cuda forced him around and down to his knees, where he shoved the tip of his soiled boot straight to the back of his throat. The old man’s eyes went wide and blood shot from his nose as he tried to pull his head from the boot.

  Cuda front kicked, sending the man flying a good way. There was a crunch as the old man fell on his hip, sputtering as he tried to catch breath that wouldn’t come. The lawman was on him in a moment.

  He bent low and said, “I reckon you were right the first time.” Cuda pulled his hidden shortsword out, swung it in a wide arc, and brought it down perfectly on the center of the old man’s cranium. The blade slid down with ease, stopping at the base of the geezer’s collarbone.

  Cuda let go of the shortsword, allowing the old man to topple over dead. He adjusted his overcoat and turned himself to the west to take a gander at Gurgamesh. The volcano looked like it would blow any minute now.

  “That is why they call me Splitter.”

  Chapter 4

  No one sat by Cuda that moon-cycle in the tent. Titan had invited him to come and have some of the chili their cook had prepared. How could he say no? His stomach had been rumbling for two sun-cycles now, on account of Bella finding his stash of food while he was taking a nap.

  The gruesome event of Cuda splitting the old man’s head in half had the entire dinner quiet—all besides Titan, of course, who was telling stories of how he was going to spend his money. He was just getting to the part about buying a fancy house in the rich part of Zel when one of his bandits entered the tent, telling him the person he wanted to see was waiting for him at the usual meeting spot.

  “Excuse me, will ya? I have business to attend to.”

  Cuda just shrugged and had another bite of his chili. It was damn good. The perfect mix of spice, water, and meat. Boy, how long’d it been since he had a good bowl of chili? Too long. Too damn long.

  The tent above his head flapped hard with the wind. He listened to it as it whistled through the holes where the men had been too lazy to stake it down. Every so often, he could feel the eyes of the bandits digging into him hard. They didn’t like him. They didn’t like what he did to that old man. They wanted him bad.

  The makeshift table was rectangular and long, and it was pretty funny that all the imaginary bandits were too afraid to sit even a chair away from him. They’d seen proof of his abilities. They knew the legend was true and that he was that legend. He need no longer apply for their respect, as they now gave it to him unwillingly.

  A few minutes later, Titan showed his face again, which was, despite the dirt and a missing canine tooth, pretty handsome. Much more handsome than Cuda’s. Maybe that was why he was able to grab more attention from the opposite sex in their earlier sun-cycles. Titan was around the same age as Cuda, but looked nowhere near as rough, and even had a good amount of red in his hair. A true alpha that man was… well… more like a beta when the lawman was present.

  Cuda had accepted Titan’s offer, as it was too good of an offer not to accept. The Desolators, including himself, would have thought him crazy if he’d declined. What kind of person would he be if he just let that amount of wealth slip through his fingers? Not a very smart one, that was for true.

  Titan didn’t take his seat but held out his arm as one of his henchman helped him slip into the overcoat he’d forgotten. He wasn’t looking at Cuda, neither. His eyes were dead straight ahead, as if he had something mighty important running through his mind.

  “I’m gonna have to see you later, Splitter. Gonna go and meet my scout and see what it is he’s got to say.”

  “Don’t ya think it best I come with ya?” Cuda asked, taking another bite of chili. He chewed, swallowed, and added, “This is a partnership, ain't it?”

  “Don’t you worry your pretty head about it, Splitter. I got you covered. You stay here where it’s comfortable. I doubt the scout will have anything important to say.”

  Cuda shrugged. “If you say so. Sure hate to see you have to go do all the work yerself. I mean, you’ve been nothin’ but kind to me, and the least I can do is give you some company.”

  Titan knocked the table with his knuckles and shook his head, “Like I said, Splitter. You just stay cozy and enjoy that warm chili. I’ll be back in a jiffy, you’ll see. I need some time to clear my head, anways.” He bent low and gestured to the bandits who were giggling, probably about something really dumb. “These guys bring down your level of intelligence if you hang around them too long.”

  Cuda looked over at the bandits, who stopped their laughing when they saw him staring. “I can see that.”

  Titan knocked on the table a few more times and stood up straight. “I’ll be back, partner. Keep an eye on the place. Don’t want no one takin’ off with all the choulos.” He eyed the bandits, but they had their attention still on Cuda.

  The lawman must have ate himself eight or nine bowls of chili before he could eat no more. With Titan having left the camp to Cuda, the bandits had gone silent. Not a peep from them. What? Did they think Titan was strong enough to keep them safe? Well, they were mistaken.

  “So, how’s you all get to know Titan?”

  Silence.

  “Ya see, I was a Desolater before there were any Desolators. I knew every man and woman that joined us like they were my siblings. And…” he paused, giving them a good look. “I don’t remember any of yer faces.”

  Silence.

  “I’m gonna give to the count of ten before one of you pencil-necked swine starts a-talkin’.”

  Silence.

  “One. Two. Three. Four.”

  Silence. Lots of fidgeting.

  “Five. Six. Seven.”

  More silence. More fidgeting.

  “Eight. Nine. Ten.”

  Cuda stood, about knocking the table over with his slightly protruding belly.

  “Okay!” cried the burnedface man, standing but hunkering down, both hands out to try and stop an imaginary whip strike. “I’ll talk. I’ll talk. Damn! Just don’t you’s be splittin’ no heads ‘round ‘ere.”

  “Then answer the question.”

  The man coughed, a bead of sweat trickling down the side of his head.

  “What, uh… what was the question again?”

  “Titan wasn’t jokin’ when he said the lot of you’s enough to bring down one’s intelligence.” Cuda spit a good-sized wad to the ground. “I said, how’s you all come to findin’ and knowin’ Titan?”

  Silence. Cuda pulled open his overcoat and reached inside.

  “Wait! We just sorta trickled in, you see?”

  Cuda raised an eyebrow. “Trickled in?”

  “Yes! Yes! Please, for the love of… no whip! Please. We just trickled on in. One by
one, Titan found us out.”

  “Go on,” the lawman said, his hand still in his overcoat.

  “Yes, well… you see… Titan found us through our wanted posters in different towns, you see? He tracked us all down, like a damn bounty hunter, he did. Didn’t he, fellas?”

  No answer.

  “Ahem… well, he did. That’ ain’t no lie. Either the man’s a good detective or he’s got a honker on him that can smell the unlawful shit we shoot through our assholes.”

  “And what deal did he make y’all?” Cuda asked.

  “Well, Titan, the good man he is, said if we helped him scare the buhjeezers out of the town that we’d all get one percent each of the spoils. With unlimited wealth as they say this gem is worth, well, one percent is all a man like we’s all are need. Ain’t that right, fellers?”

  No answer.

  “Any of you have families?”

  “No sir. That’s part of how Titan was able to win us over. Sayin’ that we’d all be a family, a vile one, but a family nonetheless, I reckon.”

  “And how does Titan’s family feel about that?”

  It was the burned-face man who raised an eyebrow this time, but, of course, there was no eyebrow so he just lifted the upper part of the eye. “What family you talkin’ ‘bout?”

  “Titan’s,” Cuda said, finally pulling his hand out of his overcoat. He sat himself back down and considered getting himself another bowl of chili. “His wife and child.”

  The burned man scoffed, “You’s yankin’ my belt, right? You is, uh, just tryin’ to get a laugh out of me.”

  “No, sir,” Cuda said, bending over the table now, his fists clenched. “Do I look like a funny man to you?”

  The burned man scratched his head and looked everywhere else but the lawman’s eyes. “No sir, I reckon you don’t but…yuh see...I thought you were tryin’ to pull a fast one over my slow head, see. Titan’s family died in a fire long ago. That’s why I-,”

  “What did you just say?” Cuda growled.

  “I said, Titan’s family’s dead, Splitter.”