The Edge of Honor

by P. T. Deutermann

Was she somehow imperiling Brian’s career by coming over here to reveal some pretty private thoughts to the captain’s wife? But then she told herself, Consider what she already knows.

  “Right,” she began, then cleared her throat. “Well, I think this deployment has brought me to kind of a crossroads in my marriage to Brian. The last thing I ever envisioned happening was what did happen—I got involved with another man.” She told Mrs. Huntington the story of Autrey, starting with the night at MCRD and ending with the fact that Autrey was now gone, probably overseas to Vietnam.

  Mrs. Huntington’s only reaction during the entire recitation was a small frown at the mention of Tizzy Hudson’s name, but Maddy pressed on.

  “We—I mean Brian and I—did not part gracefully when the ship left.

  I’ve come to see now that that was mostly my fault and that I was behaving selfishly. And since then, what with the letters being as much as six weeks out of phase, a not very good phone call from Subic, and some of the things going on in the ship … well, Brian’s not having the best time of his life, either.

  Now, what you said the other day really made me think about what I want out of life. I’m pretty sure I can bury the fact that I got involved with Autrey, especially since I think—no, I know—I want to try this Navy marriage business again.”

  She went on to tell the captain’s wife what she had decided, then asked her what she thought. Mrs. Hunting ton sipped her coffee thoughtfully for a few minutes, staring into the fire for so long that Maddy was beginning to wonder whether she had been listening.

  “Well,” she said finally, putting down her cup, “that’s a big decision indeed. Let me ask you something. In light of what’s just happened, do you feel that you can be faithful to Brian from here on out? I mean, what’s to keep this all from happening again?”

  Maddy uncrossed her legs and sat forward in the chair.

  “In a nutshell, I think it has to do with my knowing what I want out of marriage. With Autrey, I satisfied my fear of being alone, but it didn’t really work, did it? Autrey got what he wanted, and then he, too, was gone. As you pointed out.”

  “But your own needs had to have had a part in all that, Maddy. Can you reasonably expect Brian to meet those needs, assuming that he’s going to stay in the Navy and go on with his career?”

  Maddy frowned. “I thought you would approve this decision, Mrs. Huntington.”

  “I’m all for it, Maddy, as long as you know what you’re deciding.

  Because, believe me, it would be better for you and for Brian if you told him what’s happened and go ahead and take the consequences than to fool yourself into thinking that all you have to do is join the wives’ club to solve your problem. You’re a beautiful woman, Maddy. This problem is probably going to come up again.”

  Maddy shook her head. “My attraction to Autrey was always, to put it bluntly, entirely physical. It surprised me that I hadn’t … I don’t know, outgrown that part of me after college. I was always in control in college.

  Autrey ambushed me; he was just better at it than I was, I guess. But what I recognized now is that I was all wrapped up in myself, my problems, my loneliness, my needs, instead of focusing on our marriage.”

  “I guess the key question then, Maddy, is whether or not Brian can fulfill your expectations on a full-time basis, whether he’s there or not. Because if you truly need many men in your life, then it doesn’t matter whether Brian stays home or not, in which case you’d be better off to let him go now and not destroy his naval career.”

  Maddy shook her head. “Deep down inside, it’s not many men I need. I just need a full-time man. Brian and I usually get along famously. It’s only when these damned deployments, or shipyard trips, or refresher training, or fleet exercises come along that I have trouble. I’ve always understood what’s expected. What’s expected is that I put up with the separation and knuckle down and be a good little Navy wife. I’m sorry—that was patronizing.

  But what I meant was that there is a clearly defined role.

  I’m just now understanding that this role can be a means to an end, which is a stable marriage based on all the usual things—love, shared expectations, plans for the future, children. The part of me that fell for Autrey just has to go back in its box until I can figure out a way to make it useful to my marriage. Hell, I don’t know if I can succeed at this. What’s changed is that I’m willing to try.

  That’s the essence of it, and that’s why I’m here imposing on you.”

  Mrs. Huntington leaned forward and poured herself some more coffee.

  “You’re not imposing, Maddy, and I’m not questioning your sincerity.

  This must be very difficult to talk about. I know it would be for me. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that you are a generation younger than I am and that your generation has come along in these …

  Well, disturbed times. Let me tell you a little bit about my marriage so you can see where I’m coming from, as they say nowadays, and then perhaps I can give you some more advice. Mercy, as soon as I think of what to say.”

  Maddy smiled and sat back to listen. Mrs. Huntington told her the story of her marriage to Warren Huntington, from the early days as ensign through almost three decades of steady advancement in the Navy.

  “He’s gone from seaman recruit to Captain, USN, Maddy, and the Navy has a special place in its heart for men who accomplish this. They are held up as examples to young recruits everywhere as symbols of what an opportunity a service career presents. And when he got the Navy Cross for throwing that bomb fuze over the side, his future was just about guaranteed. As was mine, you see. I won’t say that I was never tempted to stray during all those years, but, for me, it was much easier to play it straight. The direct consequences of being unfaithful became much greater as time went on and both he and I had more to lose as he went up the ladder. I’m not saying it’s perfection; far from it. But you learn, over time, what to say and what not to say, when to fight and when to give, how to disagree—you know, the rules, and these are rules you apply only to this one person. And, of course, we had three children, which makes an enormous difference. I think another secret has been that we both used the separations to refresh and strengthen the emotional ties. You tend to say things in letters that you forget to say around the house, and while you may both be a little embarrassed by those thoughts later on, they’re still there. And if it works, you tend to become very close indeed. That closeness is amplified by every instance of what you see happening around you in other marriages, where perhaps it’s not so good.”

  “Like mine.”

  “Well, yes, like yours. And I don’t mean that to criticize you or hurt your feelings. But it makes a large difference when marriage is the only or main thing you have at your life’s center, marriage, children, a family, even if it’s a family operating under special circumstances.

  Now, of course it makes you more vulnerable, too, because if that all blows up and sinks, you’re left with nothing and you have to start over.

  That’s the risk.

  But the risk is what generates the value, I think, and when you value something, you don’t stray. Maybe that’s a bit too simplistic, but—”

  Maddy shook her head. “No, I understand it perfectly.

  I do have at least a start on a career in finance, and the fact that we don’t have children at least implies that other avenues are still open, I guess. I’ve never consciously looked at it that way, but I suppose it’s true. And maybe having all these alternatives blinded me to what I really wanted out of marriage, and life, for that matter.” She paused.

  “You spoke of risk; for me, the risk is that I’ll screw it up.”

  “Well, and then there’s Brian. He’ll have something to say about all this, won’t he?”

  Maddy shook her head slowly. “No, I don’t think so, Mrs. Huntington,”

  she said. “This is something else I’ve come to understand, I think. It’s our call, isn’t it, as to w
hether this marriage business works, whether it’s in the Navy or in the civilian world? I don’t think Brian has all these problems; he’s pretty much a straight-ahead kind of guy. He showed me what and who he was, showed me that he loved me, and asked me to marry him. I fell in love, said yes, and then made promises I didn’t keep. If this is going to work, it’ll be because I make it work.”p>

  Mrs. Huntington just looked at her for a moment. Then she smiled. “Well, Maddy, if you’ve grasped that truth, you’ll have no problems whatsoever.

  Being a Navy wife is child’s play compared with learning that lesson.

  Shall we switch to cognac?”

  Maddy relaxed with the compliment and they talked after that, comparing their upbringing, their families, and their college and Navy experiences. Inevitably, the conversation came around to the ship.

  “You mentioned things going on in the ship that were making Brian’s life difficult. I must admit, this cruise in Hood has been somewhat different for us. Warren’s told me very little about what’s going on. His letters have been … well, lighter, more superficial than in past cruises. I’m actually kind of worried about him. He is sixty, you know.”

  Maddy bit her lip. Brian had not wanted to talk too much about this either, at least in part because he was apparently going against the wishes of the captain.

  “It has to do with drugs,” she said finally. “There’s apparently a lot of drug use in the ship and it’s caused some big problems.”

  “Ah. Drugs. Warren feels that’s the greatest betrayal he’s faced in his entire career, when the men use drugs in the ship. I think that’s one of the reasons he’s done things a little differently in this ship.”

  “Differently?”

  “Well, Warren has always been Mr. Straight Arrow when it comes to matters of discipline in his ships. This is his third command, you know.

  But in Hood, I’ve detected sort of a … well, ‘let’s all just get through this’ attitude, especially since the cruise began. I almost think the drug problem is proving to be just too hard to deal with. Some of his letters—oh, there’s the phone. My goodness, what time is it?”

  “It’s almost eleven-thirty.”

  Mrs. Huntington got up and headed for the kitchen.

  “Eleven-thirty. If this is the Navy calling, it’s not good news, whatever it is.”

  Maddy helped herself to a small measure of cognac while Mrs. Huntington went to take the call. She felt somewhat better for her talk with the older woman.

  There had been no blinding light of revelation, but more of a confirmation that she was on the right track. Like the captain’s wife, she realized she had a good man. Mrs. Huntington had let the possible consequences be her guideline for how she conducted herself in a Navy marriage.

  Maddy was going to have to work harder than that, but she was increasingly confident that she had come up with the right answer. Mrs. Huntington returned.

  “Well,” she said, sitting down abruptly in the leather chair, “my instincts were correct. The ship’s been in some kind of incident. That was Capt. Tom Farwell, the local headquarters chief of staff. And that’s all they know. He’ll call back.”

  Maddy felt an icy finger touch a nerve somewhere in her stomach. “That’s all they know?” she asked, her voice unnaturally loud. “They call you in the middle of the god damned night and say something’s happened and we’ll get back to you?”

  “Now, Maddy, don’t get all excited. Tom said that this was literally all the information they had at headquarters.

  That’s the Navy system—when something happens, the ship is supposed to get a message out immediately, even if it only says something’s happened. That alerts the rest of the Navy and gets things moving—you know, other ships, helicopters, whatever.

  This is standard procedure.”

  “Standard procedure. My God. So what do we do now?”

  Mrs. Huntington smiled sympathetically. “We wait for the next call. When I actually know something and can answer the same kinds of questions you’re asking, then you and I will make some phone calls to the other wives.

  If it’s serious, I suspect those who can will gather over here in the morning until we find out the extent of it.”

  “But did he say it was a collision, or a—”

  “They don’t know, Maddy. They’ve received an initial report that Hood has been involved in some kind of incident, with amplifying information to follow. That’s literally all they have.”

  Maddy sat back, suddenly ashamed of herself—and afraid. Ten minutes ago, she had been confidently calculating how she was going to put her marriage back on track. With one phone call, she had become, once again, a chip in the maelstrom, at the mercy of whatever news might be winging its way back across the dark Pacific.

  Mrs. Huntington was speaking.

  “It might be hours before they call again, Maddy. Let me show you to the guest room. You can try to get some sleep. I know you have to work in the morning.”

  “Well, all right, but I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep. I mean, this is almost cruel, calling the wives like that and then leaving us all hanging.”

  “Better that we hear it from the Navy than see it on the TV in the morning. The Navy tries very hard to protect its dependents. Come, the room’s right down here. fes, bring that.”

  Maddy took her snifter of cognac along with her to the guest room. Mrs. Huntington showed her where the bathroom was and then suggested she just turn out the lights and nap until the next phone call. “It literally might be tomorrow morning,” she said.

  Maddy stood in the bedroom doorway. “Thanks for hearing me out tonight,”

  she said. “I really needed to talk to a friendly face. I think I already knew what I was going to do, but it helps to be able to check it out.”

  “Of course, dear. Now try to get some sleep. This will probably take a while.”

  But it didn’t. The next phone call came in two hours, after Maddy had finally managed to drift off to sleep for about thirty minutes. Her senses must have been listening, because she sat bolt upright on the bed, still dressed.

  She waited in the darkened bedroom and then heard Mrs. Huntingdon coming toward the back of the house. She got up and went to the door; her left foot was asleep. Mrs. Huntington was silhouetted at the end of the hallway.

  “What did they say this time?” Maddy asked.

  Mrs. Huntington spoke slowly, as if the words hurt.

  “They said that the ship had been attacked by North Vietnamese aircraft and that there has apparently been some serious damage. There’s no word on personnel casualties, and it’ll be another hour or so before the nearest ship can get to her. All this came from one of the carrier aircraft when it was still dark out there. Tom says the initial reports are pretty—fragmentary, that was the word.”

  Mrs. Huntington turned on the hall light. She suddenly looked much older, her normally bright face sagging just a bit around the edges in the harsh light. Maddy’s heart went out to her. So close, she thought, so close to capping off a thirty-year career with a big ship command, and now this, this unknown “incident.” She took two steps and reached out to touch the older woman’s arm.

  “It’ll be all right,” she said, projecting a confidence she did not feel. “Hood’s a big ship, and Brian says the Gulf of Tonkin is full of Navy ships and aircraft. Hadn’t we better call some of the other wives now? And will the Navy have more information for us pretty soon?”

  “Yes, we probably should, and no, I don’t think there’ll be anything more until the first ship gets there. Apparently Hoods not communicating. And actually, let’s not call anyone right now. It’s one-thirty in the morning, and we’d just frighten everyone we called for no good reason at this time of the night. The ferries don’t even start running until five-thirty. Go back to bed. I’ll call you at six and we can let the others know then.”

  They got back up at six. Mrs. Huntington made the first call to Barbara Mains, the exec’s wife, w
hich would bring her to the Huntington’s house at eight. Maddy reheated some coffee and tried to sort out her thoughts as Mrs. Huntington delivered the grim news. The rest of the wives straggled over throughout the morning, after dispatching kids to school.

  Some with infants or preschoolers checked in by phone. Maddy remembered to call the bank, then helped to organize coffee when Mrs. Mains showed up. If the exec’s wife wondered why Maddy was already there, she did not ask and Maddy did not volunteer. By midmorning, there were a dozen worried women at the Huntingtons’, not including two next-door neighbors who had come over when they had seen all the cars. Both were retired Navy wives and had recognized the symptoms of a crisis. Tizzy Hudson had arrived last, coming from work. She had expressed to Maddy her total impatience with the lack of information.

  “Damn Navy, all they do is play these games. Everything’s always hush-hush, big deal, big secret. I am so sick of this crap!”

  The chief of staff called again at nine with no further news. He called again at eleven o’clock. Maddy answered the phone and handed it over to Mrs. Huntington. The captain’s wife listened in silence for a few minutes while the rest of the wives sat around the living room in chairs or on the floor and tried not to stare at her. Mrs. Huntington said thank you in a soft voice and then hung up. When she turned to face the women, her face was gray.

  “Well,” she announced, “that was Capt. Tom Farwell, the chief of staff.

  They’ve confirmed that the ship was attacked by several North Vietnamese jets in the middle of the night, sometime yesterday. Or perhaps it’s tomorrow —the time zones confuse me. Anyway, they apparently managed to shoot down all of them except one, which crashed aboard the ship.

  There’s been a serious fire and one of the boiler rooms is flooded. The ship has been taken under tow by USS Preble to get her out of range of enemy aircraft. They’re going to go back to Subic. He said they had more details on the damage but that they felt we didn’t need to know them right now.

  They have to figure out what they’re going to tell the press. And he warned me that the press might try to get information from us. He asked us to be discreet.”