Song Chaser (Chasers)

by Kandi Steiner

  “Oh,” Drew offers hesitantly, shifting his gaze between us. “Well, I have some water and a couple different kinds of soda. Want me to grab you one?”

  Kellee is looking at me with pursed lips and I’m sure she isn’t happy I spoke for her, but the hell if I’m letting another drunken night happen between us. “I’d love a water,” she says pointedly, still staring at me. “Thank you.”

  Drew nods and trots off to the group of ice chests gathered at the far end of the fire. Kellee turns to me, “Aren’t you going to get a drink?”

  “Not right now,” I say, but really I mean not at all tonight. Even though a beer sounds really fucking nice right about now with all the energy I have running through me, I want to be sober. I don’t want to miss one minute of tonight, especially if it goes the way I want it to.

  One by one, my old classmates, some of them with new spouses or friends, wander over. I introduce them all to Kellee and focus on keeping steady breaths every time a new guy touches her hand or gives her a hug. I’m acting like a jealous fucking high schooler but I can’t help it.

  Kellee seems to come alive, laughing with everyone and thoroughly enjoying the stories from my high school days. She looks a lot like she did the night I took her to the High Line, tossing her head back in laughter and sipping slowly on her water. It makes me want to pull her back to the boat and kiss her until she doesn’t have the breath to laugh anymore.

  I fucking hate just friends.

  After a while, everyone starts gathering around the fire, taking seats on the short tree stumps positioned around the outside of the pit. Some of the crew are squished together side by side, some sitting on each other’s laps. When we first started this tradition, there were only ten of us, so only ten stumps are gathered. A few people have their own chairs set up, but I find the same stump I’ve sat on every year and take a seat. Kellee looks around nervously, her eyes shifting between me and the fire.

  “Should I go see if there’s an extra chair?” she asks. I realize the two stumps on either side of me are taken. Shit, I didn’t even think about that. Before I think enough to stop myself, I grab her hand and pull her into my lap, careful not to make it seem like more than a friendly gesture, though I’m sure she feels it anyway. She stiffens a little, so I start talking to distract her from thinking too much about it.

  “I hope you have your song requests ready.”

  “Does everyone sing?” she asks, crossing her legs. Damn, what I would give to run my hand along the inside seam of her jeans, to make her come to life for me.

  “Not everyone, but pretty much. It’s usually a slow start, but once we get going it’s tough to shut us up.”

  She laughs, “Wow. You? Tough to shut up? Imagine that.”

  There’s that sass I fucking love. She’s been so quiet, so reserved since our fight. I want the feisty girl I met at The Box back. I go to respond, but Drew stands and whistles, calling everyone’s attention.

  “Okay, we all know I’m not one for the sappy shit – but this is the twelfth year we’ve done this. So basically, we’re fucking old,” everyone laughs. “But, without getting too girly, I’m really glad we still do this. We started with ten, grew to over forty, and now we are down to just over a dozen. One year, I’m going to come out here and be the only one. But for now, we’re here – and I love you assholes.” There’s a mixture of “aw” from the girls and “stop being a pussy” from the guys. Drew waves his hands, “Alright enough of that shit. Who’s starting tonight?”

  “Oh! Me!” Hannah says, jumping from her seat. She runs over to grab an old guitar case and pulls out the same red guitar she’s played since we were all fifteen. It has a sticker on the front of it that reads COUNTRY GIRLS DO IT BETTER, and Drew took the liberty of testing Hannah on that theory after the first night we all came out here. According to him, it was true.

  Hannah has short, fiery red hair and light skin that reflects the glow of the moon. She used to be on the dance team and everyone called her Big Red, even though she was the tiniest girl in our entire grade. She takes position on the “stage”, the small spot at the end of the fire where there are no stumps, and starts to strum. I recognize the melody immediately as an old Journey song.

  “She’s really good,” Kellee says softly, adjusting herself on my lap as Hannah sings. Her thighs rub against me and I have to stifle a moan. Keep it together, Tanner.

  “I know someone who’s better,” I whisper back. “Any chance I can get you to sing tonight?”

  She turns back to me, her gray eyes dancing in the fire. For a moment, I swear I can see another color in them – something deeper. “You first.”

  She says it sarcastically, like she knows it won’t happen, and on any other night she would have been right. If she were anyone else, if it were just me here tonight – she would have been right. But sometimes you have to do something uncomfortable, something that terrifies you, to make a statement. Every muscle in my body tenses and I feel my breaths begin to shake slightly. This is it, one shot for me to show up or shut up.

  “Okay,” I say, grabbing her hips and lifting her from my lap. She looks at me with wild, confused eyes as I grab my guitar and walk up to where Hannah just was. Everyone is buzzing, some refilling their drinks and others talking amongst themselves. I pull out the practically new guitar and tune it a little before throwing the strap over my shoulder. Right now, I only know how to play three songs: one I learned from my online guitar lessons, one I learned for Paisley, and one I learned for Kellee.

  For the first time in over a year, I’m going to play. And I’m going to sing.

  And I’m going to hope like hell that it’s enough.

  Chapter 18

  Save Me

  Kellee

  Tanner starts strumming lightly on the guitar, a soft and familiar melody that I swear I know. Samantha and a few other girls shout out things like, “Ow owww!” and “Sing it, baby!” Tanner’s half smile creeps onto his face and if it weren’t for the glow of the fire I would swear he is blushing.

  He plays a few more chords, stretching the intro on a little longer than it usually is. I can’t quite put my finger on which song it is, but I know I know it. Suddenly, I see that his hands are shaking slightly. He inhales deep, then pushes all the air from his lungs slowly before locking his honey eyes on mine. Then, he opens his mouth and starts to sing.

  It’s a song by The Loner Boys.

  And I have never heard a voice like his before.

  It’s raspy and thick, deeper than I would have expected with a range I didn’t think was possible. I immediately get chills, and everyone around the fire stops talking. Everyone is focused on Tanner, and Tanner is completely focused on me.

  You didn’t know it, but you saved me with your kiss.

  Your hands in my hair made me want to bite your lip.

  And you don’t see it, but you’re more than just a pair of legs,

  I found myself inside you and now I can’t catch my breath.

  The stars, they don’t shine as bright as you do.

  The ache in my chest is too hard to escape.

  I’m a stupid boy with good intentions,

  But I think you can relate.

  We might be poison, I might destroy you,

  And you might be a little crazy.

  But God, I need you to stay, girl –

  I really need you to save me.

  Two birds locked inside a cage, we aren’t supposed to last,

  And I guess we both could blame it on our past.

  But I’m out of excuses if you’re done with pretending,

  I’m ready to start the story that doesn’t have an ending.

  Oh, the stars, they don’t shine as bright as you do.

  The ache in my chest is too hard to escape.

  I’m a stupid boy with good intentions,

  But I think you can relate.

  We might be poison, I might destroy you,

  And you might be a little crazy.

&
nbsp; But God, I need you to stay, girl –

  I really need you to save me.

  Please don’t walk away,

  Please don’t walk away,

  Please don’t walk away,

  Stay right here, girl.

  Save me.

  The last words leave his lips and his fingers glide across the strings, thumbing out the last of the song. When he finishes, everyone is silent. The only sound is the soft crackle of the fire.

  Finally, Samantha jumps up from her seat, “God, I’ve missed your voice! Oak Springs Idol, in the flesh!” Everyone laughs and it’s like the spell is broken. The ice chests pop open and more beers are handed out as Drew takes Tanner’s place. He starts singing an old 90s pop song that gets everyone fired up just as Tanner reaches me. He pulls me up and sits down, folding me back into his lap again like nothing happened. Like that didn’t just happen. I’m shaking, the chills still evident on my skin but I don’t think he notices. I feel him swallow hard behind me and I turn, letting his eyes find mine.

  We don’t say anything. Words seem so useless and feeble. But his hand just barely touching the outside of my thigh, his eyes holding fast to mine, the shakiness of his breath and the sound of his voice still resonating in my chest say more than enough, maybe even more than I want them to.

  Just friends just got very complicated.

  * * *

  Everyone sings until they’re practically hoarse. I was finally coerced into singing, too – once on my own and once with Hannah. Even the ones who couldn’t sing to save a church joined in on a couple of the ballads and throwbacks. Tanner was the last to sing, closing us down with Don’t Stop Believing, the perfect closing time song – except the party isn’t over. Drew set up a large portable speaker and plugged in his phone, and now everyone is dancing.

  I ditched my jacket after the first few songs, the heat from the fire and dancing sustaining me just fine. Tanner watched me peel it off and I watched his jaw flex, loving that I got a reaction from him but knowing it was trouble at the same time. We’ve been normal all night, at least as normal as we can be, but there’s an unspoken tension between us. It was there before we came, and it thickened like mud after he sang.

  The Watermelon Crawl comes on and everyone cheers, gathering around to line dance. I’m almost shocked when Tanner slides up beside me and kicks in his sneakers along with everyone else.

  “You’re shitting me, right?” I ask, laughing so hard I’m almost embarrassed. I hate my laugh.

  Tanner smiles, his white teeth glowing in the firelight. “What? You didn’t think this city boy lost all his country roots, did you?”

  “I didn’t know doctors could dance like that.”

  His smile morphs into a devilish grin, “There’s a lot you don’t know about what I can do.” He glances sideways at me and my heart stutters, my mouth trembling slightly. I miss the cue to turn and Samantha knocks into me.

  “Oh! Sorry!” she laughs, taking a swig from her longneck and I fall back in line. Tanner’s grin widens and I shake my head.

  “You’re such an ass,” I laugh.

  “So I’ve been told,” he says. “And you like to talk about doctors, but who knew a city slicker could line dance?” He grabs my hips and spins me around and I laugh harder.

  I keep dancing, letting each song work through my flesh and into my bones. It feels like all the weight is releasing, like all the shit outside of this fire doesn’t matter. I’m not thinking of school, of the major I hate or the two jobs I have waiting when we get back to New York. I’m not thinking of my mom or my dad, of what they’ve said and what they haven’t. It’s just me and the music – a simple freedom I forgot existed.

  “I wish I could have as much fun as you do when I dance,” Drew slides up beside me and smiles, a soft dimple appearing in his left cheek. I realize now that I’m by myself and I’m not sure when Tanner or anyone else stopped. “Can I dance with you?”

  The song that’s on is a fast Electro one, so I turn toward Drew and start to jump up and down, throwing my hands in the air. He mimics me and we laugh, taking turns doing ridiculous dances like the Lawn Mower and Shopping Cart. I’m laughing so hard I think I might dislocate a rib when the music fades out and a soft, sexy R&B song replaces it. Drew grabs my hips and pulls me into him, burying his face in my neck. I can smell the beer on his breath as he pulls me closer. His hands make my hips sway, and even though I love dancing, I don’t feel right. I don’t want to dance like this with Drew.

  My eyes scan the party until I find Tanner’s, and I can’t explain the look on his face. Angry, hurt – but more than that, he looks defeated.

  Come stop him. Take his place.

  I bite my lip, willing him to come dance with me and scolding myself simultaneously. I can’t do this. I can’t tell him not to hold my hand but then expect him to dance with me, to care if another guy dances with me instead. Just friends. Just friends. No matter how many times I repeat it, I don’t believe it any more than I did the first time.

  Suddenly, Tanner throws himself up from his seat and storms back toward the trail that leads to the boats. I pull away from Drew and run after him, not even offering an apology before taking off. I crash through the brush and leaves, almost tripping on the leg of a tree. My breath is heavy and hard in my chest, my heart thumping so loud it’s almost deafening. When I reach the sand, I stop abruptly.

  Tanner faces away from me, his arms lifted above his head and his hands resting on the edge of the boat. Even in the dark I can see the muscles flow and ebb through his shoulders and forearms, his back constricting with heavy breaths.

  “Tanner,” I breathe quietly, because I’m not sure what else to say. I don’t ask him why he left because I know. I don’t ask him what’s wrong because I know. Yet, I still don’t know what else to say – his name is the only word I can muster, the only word that can form in my mouth.

  “I can’t do this, Kellee,” he says softly and I shudder at the sound of my name. Right now in this moment I’m not Freckles or Frecks – I’m Kellee, and for some reason that scares me. He drops his arms to his side exasperatingly, turning to face me. His brows are pinched together and his eyes sag, “I can’t be your friend. I can’t watch you with other guys and pretend like you don’t hold my fucking heart in your goddamn hands.” He moves closer to me, his chest heaving, “I thought I could, I wanted to. I wanted to be what you needed me to be and live with the fact that I ruined this, that I ruined us. But you don’t understand.” He stops, his hands turned outward and rolling into fists. “Every time I don’t touch you, my hands ache. Every time I bite back what I really want to say, it’s like swallowing acid. And just now, seeing Drew’s hands on you,” he pauses, biting his lip and exhaling sharply like a bull in the ring. His voice shakes, “It was like having my entire body crushed – like having the breath literally fucking ripped out of my chest. I can’t be just your friend. I can’t watch you fall in love with someone else.”

  His face twists and his nostrils flare, like he’s in more physical pain than he can bear. My cheeks are wet with tears I didn’t even know I had shed, my entire body shaking from my lips to my knees. I know I’m like my mom, I have the flight gene embedded deep in my blood and it’s always been the easiest thing for me to do. I knew I would hurt him, and now he’s standing as living proof that I was right.

  But he hurt me, too.

  I turn away from him, wiping the tears from my face. I know this is one of those moments, one of those life-defining specks of time that hold the power to change everything. I think of my dad, of my mom, of Paisley and how broken Tanner is, how I’ve broken him even more when all I wanted was so desperately to fix him.

  And it hits me.

  I’m not supposed to fix him, just like he’ll never be able to fix me. We’re supposed to be broken together, to form as much of a whole as we can by being exactly who we are – never promising to be anything more.

  I turn back to Tanner, his eyes still fixed on me, sho
ulders shaking.

  “So come save me,” my words shake more than I mean for them to as I repeat the lyrics of the song he sang just a few short hours ago.

  Tanner’s face changes, confusion ruling over all other emotions. “What?”

  I swallow, finding a steadier voice. “If you want me,” I step a little closer. “If you don’t want me with anyone else,” Another step. “Then come take me.”

  I focus on my breaths. In. Out. In. Then I say it again.

  “Save me, Tanner. And let me save you.”

  The words hover between us, the weight of them pressing down and suffocating me. Did I make a mistake? Is it too late? I hold my breath for what feels like hours, my lungs aching. Tanner’s eyes never leave mine, his body shaking more violently than before. Slowly, I inch toward him, like he’s a wild animal I’m trying to tame. Each step I take causes him to shake more.

  I’m just a few feet away, and I stop, waiting. The water slaps against the boat and the moon shines down on Tanner’s face, illuminating the ticking in his jaw.

  I reach out and touch his arm, and that’s all it takes. Tanner closes the gap between us, pulling me into him and wrapping his arms around my waist. He crushes his mouth to mine, cutting the tension between us like a rubber band. It breaks hard and fast and explodes all around us. Suddenly, our hands are frantic – his on my face, mine gripping his arms, his wrapped around my hips, mine running the length of his back. He kisses me hard, desperate – like everything depends on how his lips find mine, on how his tongue moves with my tongue.

  “I want you. For me. For only me,” he breathes the words hard against my neck. “For now. Forever. For the right reasons and for the wrong ones. For happily ever after or for a category five storm. I,” a kiss. “Want,” another kiss. “You.” He runs his lips across my jaw and finds my lips again before lifting me into his arms.

  He carries me swiftly to the boat, laying me down on the front seat and falling down on top of me, his kisses covering me in a frenzy. I rip at his shirt, desperate to be closer to him, before he finally pulls it over his head and throws it to the floor. The moonlight cascades down his bare chest, the light touching the peaks of his abs. I slide my fingers along where the light touches, making Tanner shiver.