Song Chaser (Chasers)

by Kandi Steiner

  I know I was a little shit to him the other night, and the more removed I am from him the more I realize it. I still stand by the fact that he’s not ready to be with me, that he doesn’t know how to balance what he feels for me and what he still feels for Paisley, but asking him to leave and not giving him the chance to talk to me about it wasn’t my smoothest move. I didn’t even really tell him why I was upset, I just expected him to know.

  And that is exactly something my mom would do.

  She used to pull that shit with my dad all the time. She would sulk in a corner all pissed off at him and when he would ask her what was wrong to try to make it right, she would just look at him pointedly and say, “You should know.”

  Once again, I wasn’t thinking of him. I was thinking of myself. I was hurt and I felt like I was second place. Shit, I still feel that way – but I didn’t give him the chance to tell me differently, and now he’s gone. He’s on a plane to Orlando and I’m stuck here wishing I would have just told him to take me with him, two concert tickets sitting on my kitchen counter and no one to use them with.

  No one I want to, anyway.

  I don’t know what else to do, so I pull out my phone and call Mee Ma like always. We were always close, even before Mom left, but after that it really felt to me like Mee Ma took on both roles – crazy, eccentric grandma and loving, caring mother. She’s been there for all my life celebrations, but unfortunately she’s also the one I turn to for all my life’s undoings, too. I wonder if she’s ever tired of being that person for me.

  The line rings twice and then I stop in my tracks when a man’s voice answers.

  “Hello?”

  People continue to rush past me, but my feet are cemented to the spot where I stand. My mouth feels sticky as I try to speak. “Dad?”

  There’s a pause at the other end and then he speaks again, “Yes, Kel, it’s me.”

  My heart is beating in my throat. I think this is the first time my dad has talked to me on the phone since before I left for college. “Where’s Mee Ma?”

  “She’s taking a nap,” he says, his voice booming like it has my whole life. “We were out on the farm early this morning and she wanted to rest.”

  I nod, “Oh.”

  Silence stretches on between us and I think about hanging up the phone and calling back later, but Dad speaks again. “Everything okay there?”

  I falter, unsure if I should talk to him about this. “Not really.”

  More silence.

  “Well, you can talk to me about it, if you want.”

  Okay, now I need to sit down. I look around for a bench and spot one a half a block up. I half walk, half sprint to it and sit down, my head spinning slightly. “No offense, Dad, but I don’t really feel like I can talk to you about what the weather is like, let alone what’s upsetting me.”

  I don’t mean to say the words as accusatory as I do, but once they’re out I don’t regret them, either.

  Dad sighs, “I don’t blame you.”

  Silence.

  This is seriously stupid. I waited so long to get my dad on the phone, to get him to talk to me at all, and this is what happens. It’s like we don’t know each other anymore.

  I guess technically, we really don’t.

  “Kellee, I’m sorry.”

  Good thing I’m sitting down.

  “For everything. Your Mee Ma kind of ripped into me after I didn’t get on the phone on Thanksgiving, and that woman has a way of making me see things straight. I haven’t been a good dad, I haven’t been much of a dad at all and I’m sorry for that. It’s just…” His voice trails off for a moment, and I can’t imagine how hard this is for him because my dad was never one for words even before he stopped talking to me. “Your mom leaving has never really left me, and when you said you wanted to leave, too, I felt like I was losing one of the last things on this earth holding me in place.”

  “But you didn’t have to lose me, Dad.”

  “I know,” he cuts me off. “I know that. I’ve been stupid and I should have been supporting my baby girl but I was too busy sulking in my own life issues to realize I should be celebrating your successes instead.”

  Tears swim in my eyes and I’m so pissed about it I want to stomp my feet like a child. I don’t want to cry, but hearing the words come from him warms me. He’s my dad, after all.

  “I know you can’t just forgive me for everything I’ve missed and my behavior,” he says, losing his ability to find words again. I can sense him pulling back into himself. “But I just wanted to tell you all that. And I love you. I haven’t said that in years but it’s still just as true as it was before you told me you were leaving.”

  Ugh, stupid heart. Stop making me want to cry.

  “I love you too, Daddy.”

  It’s quiet again and then I hear some shuffling in the background. “Oh, looks like your Mee Ma is up. Still want to talk to her?”

  I think about talking to Dad instead, asking him for his advice, but something about Mee Ma calms me and I know she’s the one I want to speak to. “Yeah, can you put her on?”

  A few seconds later, Mee Ma’s tired voice reaches me. “Hi, sweetie. How are finals going?”

  I don’t answer. Now that I have her on the phone, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what advice I need.

  “Oh Lord,” she says. “A pause like that can only mean that you’ve put your hair up into a tight bun again. What’s going on?”

  A deep sigh leaves my lips before I lift myself from the bench and start walking toward the subway again, filling her in on everything as I walk. From the amazing moments in Georgia I wasn’t able to fill her in on before to the night Tanner left. I tell her everything I can because I want her to understand the whole story. By the time I finish talking I’ve already reached my apartment and I lean against the kitchen counter, staring at the tickets as Mee Ma thinks. She hasn’t said much as I spoke, and now I can feel her gears working as she tries to sort through everything.

  “Well, I’m glad he finally realized what color your eyes were,” she says first, but quickly moves on. “Honey, you can’t give up on what you feel for this boy because of some friend of his in Florida.”

  “She’s not just a friend though, Mee Ma.”

  “Oh? Because from what you’ve told me, he’s not dating her and it sounds to me like she’s got her hands full with a man of her own.”

  I sigh, “Yes, but you also know it’s not that black and white.”

  “Oh bull,” she says. “Now I’m not saying you aren’t right in a way. You do need to know what this thing is between you two. You need to feel secure enough in your relationship that if this girl was to become single tomorrow, you wouldn’t have to worry about him running off with her.”

  Shit, I hadn’t thought about that. Would he be with Paisley if that happened?

  “But kicking him out of your apartment in the early hours of the morning because your emotions were so strung out you couldn’t think straight wasn’t the right thing to do and you know it.” She sighs, “Sometimes I think you act like your mom because you think you have an excuse to. Because everyone around you has said you’re so much like her for so long, you just make it so.”

  I think back to the conversation Tanner and I had right before everything went to shit. “Tanner said that maybe what mom gave me was a good thing, the desire to want to be myself, or whatever.”

  “And I would say the boy’s right,” Mee Ma says. “But you like to take it and twist it into a negative thing. You take the easy way sometimes, dear, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why.”

  Her words sting a little, but I hold back from saying much because I know she’s right.

  “The situation with this boy,” she starts again. “It’s not an easy one. It’s not going to get easy anytime soon and you’re probably going to have to work at communicating and he’s going to have to work through the feelings he has for this girl. But if everything you
say about him is true, then what the hell are you so afraid of? Is he not worth fighting for?”

  I know he is, but at the same time I don’t know if I would be fighting for something I could actually attain. If his heart still belongs to Paisley, it might be null and void all together.

  “I don’t know, Mee Ma.”

  “Well,” she says pointedly. “There’s your first task. Figure out if the boy is worth it.”

  I nod, still staring at the tickets. “I love you, Mee Ma. Thank you for talking to Dad.”

  “Oh sweetie, that grump needed an old fashioned talking to and that’s exactly what he got, whether he wanted it or not,” she laughs. “And I love you, too.”

  “I gotta go, Tee just walked in,” I say, smiling at Trista as she drops her pile of books on the table and pouts at me. I end the call and fold my arms together, waiting for Trista to say something.

  “Finals suck,” she finally says.

  I point to the kit Mee Ma made me and say, “There’s a kit for that.”

  Her eyes grow wide and she runs over, fishing through the box until she finds a bar of chocolate and then she rips into it greedily. I laugh a little as her eyes roll up and she pretends like she’s thanking Jesus.

  “What are you still doing dressed like that?” she asks, surveying my appearance. “Isn’t the concert in a few hours?”

  I groan, realizing I’ll have to tell Trista almost the entire story I just told Mee Ma. Her brows shoot up as she notices my expression, “Shit, should I sit down?”

  Almost an hour passes as I fill Trista in, mostly because unlike Mee Ma, she has a lot of intermittent questions. When all is said and done, she’s eaten three more bars of chocolate and doesn’t even seem a little bit sorry about it. She props her feet up on our coffee table and leans back on the couch, “Well, I agree with Mee Ma, but I also don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. In fact, I’m kind of proud of you.”

  “You’re proud of me for acting like a teenager?”

  “Well yeah, if it meant sticking up for yourself,” she clarifies. “Think about it. Ever since you met this guy, you’ve had to deal with this Paisley situation. I know that you said she’s a nice girl and everything, but the fact of the matter is that if Tanner is going to pull some adorable ass shit in Georgia and make you fall in love with him, he needs to be prepared to put you first.”

  “I’m not in love with him, Tee,” I say, but I’m not sure I believe myself.

  She rolls her eyes and dismisses my comment, “Anyway, here’s what I think you should do. Get dolled up in that kick ass outfit you picked out for this concert last week, take me with you, have a good time, maybe rage in the pit to get out some frustration, and then when he comes back you can talk about it.”

  I consider her advice, “I don’t know.”

  “Well, I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m jumping in the shower now and I suggest you do the same,” she says, eying me. I laugh and she disappears into her room, but I don’t think I can go to that concert, not without Tanner.

  My Mee Ma’s words won’t leave me alone as I shower. Figure out if the boy is worth it. They badger me the entire time I get ready and when I finally sit completely dressed, staring at the tickets and waiting for Trista to finish up, I can’t ignore them any longer. I scribble out a note to Trista and put it with the tickets.

  Can’t do this, just need some time to think. You should take the tickets and go. Thank you for everything. Be back later.♥

  I grab my jacket and after one last look at the tickets, I open the door and leave them behind.

  Chapter 27

  The Perfect Song

  Tanner

  My thoughts are still eating me alive as I ride in the back of the cab to the airport. Since I waited until last minute, the best flight deal was out of a regional one just outside the city. I thought about going to get my car so I could have the drive to myself, but paying for parking just to drive a half hour would have been stupid.

  I lean my head against the window and shove my ear buds in, trying to drown out the cabbie’s shitty mainstream music. The city fades away as I stare beyond the glass and a slow indie song fills my ears. I try not to, but the lyrics make me think of Paisley.

  Goddamnit.

  I shove my fist into the back of the passenger seat and the cabbie jumps, cursing and eying me in the rearview. I mumble an apology and rip the ear buds from my ears, throwing them back in my bag. Funny, music has always been what brought sense to my life. It’s been there through the times I fell for a girl, the times I lost someone I loved, the times I just wanted to rage out and punch the shit out of a wall, and every single time in-between. But now, it’s like I repel it. I don’t want to listen to music anymore.

  But why?

  And then it hits me. Not like a stiff breeze or a gentle wave, but like a crash course at seventy miles per hour. It’s like every piece that has been floating around aimlessly just came flying into place right in front of me.

  What the fuck am I doing?

  Music isn’t the same, will never be the same, if I’m not with Kellee.

  “Can you stop the car?”

  Cabbie looks up at me, still frowning. “We’re almost to the bridge, man. I can’t just pull over.”

  “Just stop the car,” I say again, fishing for my phone.

  “I just told you –”

  “Goddamnit, stop the fucking car!”

  He curses under his breath and swerves over two lanes before flicking on his hazards, the cab pressed as closely to the right shoulder as possible. I open my door and hit the call button before I have the chance to try to make sense of what I’m doing.

  “Please don’t tell me the plane has been delayed, because if you do I might have to use this cookie cutter to inflict harm on a pilot and I can’t be held responsible for something like that,” Paisley answers. My hands shake a little before I find the strength to speak.

  “Paisley, I’m not coming.”

  The line is silent for a moment as cars whiz past, rocking the cab in their wake. I swallow the thick lump forming in my throat and stare out at the silhouette of the city as I wait for her to speak.

  “What do you mean you’re not coming?”

  I sigh, pacing the bridge as I drag my fingers through my hair. “I have to let you go, Paisley,” my words shake a little more than I want them to as they break free from my lips, but I’ve never been more positive of a statement in my life. Well, other than the one that leaves my lips next, “I love her. And if I fly to Orlando today, I’m going to lose her. For good.” I know the words are truer than I want them to be. “Forever.”

  “Well,” she pauses, sending my heart into my throat. I don’t want to lose her friendship, but right now I would give up almost anything for Kellee. The pause lingers between us, and I know I could lose her right here. I could lose my best friend in the world in this very fucking moment. I swallow hard, still waiting.

  “It’s about damn time.”

  I stop pacing, “What?” The cab driver yells something over the roar of the traffic but I hold up a finger for him to wait. “You’re not mad?”

  “Mad?” She scoffs, as if it’s the most ludicrous thing she’s ever heard. “Are you kidding me? Tanner, I saw that you loved that girl the minute she walked into The Box with you. If you want the honest truth, your mom just called me and told me what’s going on and I was literally ten minutes away from calling and ripping into your ass. I wanted to give you the chance to prove me wrong before I made the call because I knew there was no way the guy I call my best friend is that much of an idiot that he would walk out on the perfect girl for him just to fly to some stupid bakery opening.”

  “It’s not stupid, Paisley,” I interrupt. “I’m so fucking proud of you and I’m your best friend. You’re opening your own business. I want to be there to help you celebrate – hell, I should be there. But if I leave –”

  “Blah blah blah,” she says, and it catches me off guard and k
ind of makes me smile a little. “Whatever. Like this bakery isn’t going to still be here in a few weeks or whenever you can get down here. Both of you. Unless,” she pauses again. “Are you trying to say you think my bakery is going to fail, asshole?”

  I give in and laugh a little, but it feels strange and forced. “Nothing you ever do fails.”

  Now it’s her turn to laugh, “Okay, the city fumes must be getting to you because you know better than anyone that statement could not be farther from the truth.”

  I move to the cab and drop down into the backseat, my legs still hanging out and my head falling into the arm propped up on my knee. The words are out now. Paisley knows I’m not going anymore, the cab is stopped, my mind is made up – but for some reason I still feel like I need something. There’s something missing that I need before I can hang up this phone. “I don’t know how I got myself into this mess. Do I have the Royal Fuck Up Gene or something?” I ask, sighing.

  Paisley laughs softly, “Well shit, if you’ve got it then so do I. Listen to me, Tanner. You’re right. You do have to let me go.”

  My heart moves from my throat into my head, pounding away so hard I have to reach for the cab door to steady myself. I try to swallow but my mouth is too dry, my arms shaking a little. “I know that now,” I say softly, pausing. “But Paisley, you have to let me go, too.”

  Now it’s her that pauses, “What? What are you talking about?”

  I curse under my breath, frustrated that what I’m about to say is true. “You have a hold on me, Paisley. You’ve had it since the day I met you. I can’t shake you, I can’t get over you, I can’t move on with the most perfect girl I’ve ever met in my life until you let me go, too. You have to tell me. Tell me to move on. Tell me something, anything, to make me stop feeling for you like this.”

  She laughs, which surprises me. I’m trying to have a deep moment here. “Don’t be ridiculous,” she says. “Tanner, we love each other. We always have and we always will. But I don’t have a hold on you. You have a hold on you.”