Lucid

by Gabrielle Castania

  Everything about it seemed magical to me, like I had stepped into a whole new world. Above and around the dance floor in the middle of the room was a crossed pattern of glittering balloons, green and silver to match our school’s colors. Candles following the same theme flickered in the decorative centerpieces on every table around the room. At the back, a DJ flipped through a stack of music as he talked with our principal, the volume of his sound system quieted to a dull roar as it played a song I almost remembered from the radio.

  After we set our belongings down at a table to claim it for our group, we set off to greet all our other friends. We made our rounds, Joey and I stopping to converse with just about everyone, both offering and accepting compliments, as well as the assurance that they’d voted for us for prom court. People swore allegiance to me in a vote I hadn’t really given much thought to, but I was told that I “looked like a prom queen” that night. I didn’t really know what that meant, but it sounded nice.

  I felt like I was flying, right up until I saw Ellie and a small but earnest group of her other acquaintances come in. She’d really wanted to go for a Cinderella theme with the cut and color of her dress and the styling of her honey-blonde hair. I’d seen the dress and helped her try hair tutorials we found online, and, put together, she looked amazing.

  Nervously, with my heart in my throat, I broke away from Joey for a moment, sneaking over to her before I could stop to consider what I was doing. She had her back to me when I got there, talking with someone else, and I tapped on her shoulder to get her attention without hesitation. She turned with a beaming smile, and I couldn’t help but to notice it flatline when she realized who wanted to chat. I pretended I didn’t see it, though, and told her, “You really meant it when you said you wanted to look like Cinderella tonight. It’s like you stepped right out of the movie.”

  Her body language screamed at me how little she wanted to talk, but I didn’t want to just give up on her. It killed me that our conversation required effort that night. She may not have been the best friend, but she was my best friend, and the gap between us cut me pretty deep.

  She replied with her eyes on the floor, “Uh, thanks. You look nice, too.”

  Just as I was about to say something, to ask her if we could talk at some point that night, an arm wrapped around my shoulder. “There you are,” Ben said excitedly, not even sparing Ellie so much as a glance. “We’re taking more group pictures with people, and it’s not our group if you’re not there.”

  Immediately, I turned to Ellie again, and she chuckled without humor. “Have a good night, Ashley,” she said dryly before turning her back to me, talking with her group again like I’d never interrupted them in the first place.

  Administration allowed enough time for people to get into the ballroom and socialize for a bit before we were called to order so we could file into an adjacent room to get our dinner. After we ate from an elaborate buffet, when a bunch of servers were almost finished taking plates from the satisfied students, the DJ picked up the music. The overhead lights went down, the ones from his setup casting sparkling light that streamed down through the balloons to project the glitter around the room, and my entire class headed off to dance the night away.

  At the beginning of the night, your place on the floor reflected your social standing at our school, climbing the social ladder as you worked your way into the mass of students, and I found myself nestled safely at the center of it all. Although we danced with other people, our core group in the middle of the floor remained strong. Joey and I were not afraid to bust out some of our sweet moves from those dancing video games we played in his basement, and he and the guys from our prom party took the liberty of getting “creative” with one of those dance instruction songs that gets played at events. People around us stopped their sterile dancing to watch the spectacle, and it was hilarious until Jeff learned the hard way that he maybe wasn’t limber enough to do a split and had to hobble off the floor with Katie to sit down for a while.

  At some point in all the festivity of the evening, Joey and I were indeed named prom king and queen, which was an utterly bizarre feeling for me. We collected the cheap plastic crown and tiara, and returned to our place on the floor for the promised slow dance. Other couples got in on it as well, but it didn’t distract me from feeling like I was on top of the world in that moment. Soon enough, the spotlight was gone, and we were free to shake and grind our way through the rest of the evening, the shimmering tiara in my hair glinting under the lights to broadcast my newly renovated social standing to all the people there that I barely even knew six months before.

  Songs were blended together, dances were shared, laughs were had, photos were taken, and it didn’t feel like we’d been there long before the DJ announced that he was about to play the final song of the night. After a brief conference with my group, we decided to head out as soon as it was finished instead of staying to mingle, swearing we’d see people at whichever after-party it was decided we would go to. To give people time to get home and get things set up, as well as to refuel after a long night of dancing, we found ourselves at a diner down the street, cramming breakfast foods into our mouths as fast as we possibly could so the group could continue the party.

  Except, Joey and I weren’t going to an after-party. We’d booked a room back at the hotel, leaving our bags in the limo while we were at the actual prom, just to give ourselves some time alone after a long day of being with other people. To fend off our parents, we told them we’d be hopping from party to party all night and would likely sleep at someone’s house.

  Although I crash-landed into a scene emblazoned with parties I could go to, I knew the night would be full of drinking, and I didn’t really want to participate. Roger always had a predilection for alcohol and it made me a bit cautious about drinking as a whole, but I allowed myself to try it only once, at a party at Joey’s place when his parents were out of town for their anniversary. Although I don’t remember much of it, I was told I’m a fun, affectionate drunk, which was a relief. While waking up under the coffee table sore, confused, and with one of my legs inexplicably wrapped in toilet paper was amusing once, I vowed not to let it happen again. I was terrified that I would come to need it, and my absolute worst fear in life was ending up angry and bitter like my father.

  Joey’s intentions were pure enough when he agreed to stay with me, but I had an ulterior motive in getting him alone. About two weeks before prom, we’d been hanging out, getting dinner and spending the evening in his basement, as had become our standard fare. It was all fun and games until there was a quick change of pace after one round of the dancing game we were playing. On a song I was particularly good at, he beat me for the first time by a small but crucial margin, and, playfully berating him for stealing the victory that I was all but promised, I went to shove him onto the sofa. He saw it coming, though, and went to grab my wrists as he lost his balance, which sent me crashing down on top of him.

  We giggled about it, and after we exchanged apologies – him for beating me and me for, in turn, beating him – I smiled and leaned down to kiss him before I got back up, but it deepened before I knew what was going on. We’d made out before, but being alone, being on top of him, I began to feel things I’d never really felt before, and that made me kind of nervous.

  He and I had never consummated our relationship, so to speak; the thought of losing my virginity to him hadn’t even occurred to me until I was straddling his lap with his tongue in my mouth that night. I realized, thinking about it, that I was beginning to feel ready for it, but not right then. His parents would be coming home from work soon, so there was too much risk involved. It did, however, prompt the discussion of sex, and he promised to never push me into anything, ensuring that we’d take that step when I was 100% ready for it and not a moment sooner than that.

  “I love you,” he told me with an earnest expression, cupping my face in his hands with a gentle grin. “I don’t need sex to prove that.”

 
Since that night, I found myself being a bit more careful around him. Once the flame of lust had been ignited inside of me, everything about Joey instantly became more intense, more attractive. I began to actually crave him, and I assumed I wouldn’t be able to stop until I had him like I wanted. So, inspired by every single high school movie I’d ever seen, I came to the conclusion that it would finally happen on prom night.

  Mum was always home and who knew when Roger would turn up, so my house was out of the question for all of this. His parents would be working late for the weekend, sure, but they still had to come home at some point, and the last thing I wanted was for one of them to come tell us they’d gotten home while their son was on top of me. So, to avoid all of this, I convinced him to skip the parties and get the hotel room with me, “so we could have some time alone”, and staying at the hotel was the only logical way to avoid other people. Going out for food was unexpected, and I didn’t care about it. I didn’t care about the pancakes I ordered. I didn’t care about the stupid antics we all laughed about. I didn’t care about the time with my friends. Joey was sitting right next to me, and all I cared about that night was him.

  I let him handle checking in, and we headed up to the room. As soon as we got in, he dropped his duffel bag to the ground and flubbed onto the bed, one arm draped dramatically over his face. “I like the Marmara group – really, I do – but being alone with you is a very welcomed change.”

  I snickered, bending down to remove my pencil heels, my feet screaming out for the feel of the plush carpet. “Ditto,” I admitted. “I had a blast and this was absolutely one of the best nights of my life, but out of all the people I was with tonight, you happen to be my favorite, so I’m sort of glad they’re gone.”

  When I looked up from what I was doing, he was staring at me as I tossed my shoes aside. “I’m glad you enjoyed tonight, Ash; you deserve to.” He didn’t sit up, but he patted the spot beside him on the mattress. “Now, you’re welcome to come snuggle until check out in the morning, because I am ready to relax.”

  “Or,” I suggested, beginning to feel that vaguely familiar heat welling up inside my body again, every part of me enticed by where I wanted the night to go, “you could help be untie my dress, because, while it’s beautiful, I’d like to be able to breathe again.”

  “Fair enough,” he chuckled, standing up and moving toward me to come help. Once I’d been left standing in my bra and panties, I picked up my gown and draped it over the closet door so it wasn’t just in a heap on the floor. To my dismay, when I turned back around, Joey had already begun undressing himself. In all the movies I’d ever seen, there was the frantic removal of clothing before the action started, and it wasn’t really going according to plan. His shoes, socks, and waistcoat were gone already, and he’d set to undoing the buttons on his shirt. By the time I got back to him, he was already playing with the last one.

  “Hold on,” I told him. His hands froze as he undid the button, and I inched closer, tucking myself into him. Thinking that a hug was what I craved, he wrapped his arms around me, pressing his forehead gently to mine and looking into my eyes with a soft grin. “I just wanted to thank you for tonight. Without you, none of this would have been.” After stealing a quick kiss, teasing myself just a bit more, I smirked devilishly at him. “Do you remember what we talked about a couple weeks ago, the thing we talked about doing at some point, and you said we could whenever I was ready to?” Understanding where I was going, he nodded firmly. My voice sheepish, I bit my bottom lip before whispering to him, “I’m ready.”

  He pulled back to examine my expression, although I wished he’d move his eyes and look at other parts of my body. There was so much of me that I wanted him to see, and he focused on my face, which he’d seen hundreds of times before. Cautiously, he asked, “Are you positive? I mean, I’m ready when you are, and it’s a big step for both of us, but more so for you.”

  Translation, he wasn’t a virgin and I was. We’d never talked about it at length, but he’d had a handful of girlfriends before, and it wasn’t exactly a mystery that I wouldn’t be his first. It didn’t bother me, though. Really, one of us knowing what we were doing would probably be for the best.

  I nodded firmly to him. “I’ve never been more sure of anything. I love you, Joey, and this is what I want.”

  His lips curled into a delicious, new kind of smile, a tantalizing combination of love and lust. “Then let me just run to the pharmacy down the street for some protection, and then we can – “

  “Taken care of,” I cut him off, slipping from his embrace to dart to my duffel bag. I felt around inside until I found the telltale little packets at the bottom, grabbing a fistful of them and tossing them onto the bed so he could see. “I’ve never done this before, like I said, so I didn’t know how many we’d need. I figure it’s better to be over-prepared than to be under-prepared.”

  He looked at the part of my collection I’d thrown down with a chuckle. “Jesus. A couple, sure, let’s do this, but maybe we should save some for another time. There are nine here, and I love you, Ash, but I don’t think I’m physically capable of that in one night.” Grinning at my innocent confusion, he turned to me again, his expression entirely sincere. “And you’re absolutely positive about this?”

  For one reason or another, I giggled. “Yes,” I urged with a smile, delighted as he came toward me once again. “I’m new to this, though, so I’m hoping you could take the lead and show me the ropes this time around?”

  Assuming it would need to come off at some point, as soon as he was close enough to me, I ran my fingers over his chest on my way to pushing his button-down off his shoulders. He snaked an arm around my lower back, the other a bit higher up, and he pulled just my lower half closer, grinding our hips together in the most amazing way as he dropped his face away from mine, leaning into my neck. The tickle of him mumbling, “I think I can do that,” into my skin was nice, but not nearly as nice as the kissing and nipping and sucking that he followed it up with.

  Before long, we’d collapsed together onto the bed much like that night in his basement, but this time, we didn’t stop. Clothing was discarded, hands and mouths moved to wonderful places to do wonderful things, and everything was in order to take it all the way. The anticipation from the build-up had been so much that we barely remembered the pile of condoms in bed with us. It wasn’t long between that crucial recollection and the moment when Joey told me he loved me one more time before we took things all the way.

  I always wondered what the big deal about sex was, how something so basic could be as pleasant as everyone said, but now that I’d joined the league of the sexually active, I never wanted to go back. I heard it might hurt the first time so I was a little nervous, but Joey was gentle with me, making damn sure I enjoyed myself, and enjoy myself, I certainly did. We carried on through the night, and the fact that I was growing tired didn’t stop me from wanting more and more, as much of him as he could give me.

  Except, there was one little snag, which I thankfully hit toward the end, when the exhaustion was beginning to become evident, suggesting that we may be done after that go around. The problem wasn’t in the sex itself, because that was mind-blowing, but it lay in my emotions, dormant, waiting for just the right moment to come creeping out.

  For one reason or another, as we neared the end of our tracks, I thought of what Ellie told me the day before, of all the things I left behind when I completed my metamorphosis. In my mind, I saw my old friends, saw myself enjoying my hobbies again, and I even saw Danny. It’s bizarre to think of someone while someone else is literally inside of you, showing you a whole new, incredible kind of world, but it hit me before I could stop it. Suddenly, I was questioning everything I ever thought I knew.

  I hardly had enough time to think it over too much, though, before the buildup of pleasure spilled over, sending me over the edge one last time. A moment or so later, the same thing happened for Joey, and the whole ordeal was over. He gave himself a momen
t before, breathless and overcome by fatigue, he kissed me one more time before pulling out and collapsing at my side. I let him get up and do whatever he needed to do, rolling so my back was to him so I could stare blankly at the wall, the magic of the mood crushed in a single moment.

  Before long, he was back in bed, lying behind me with an arm draped over the curve in my torso, face buried deep into my hair that had become somewhat damp with sweat, his lips finding the back of my neck. Convinced I was going to sleep, he whispered sweet nothings to me about how much I meant to him, how much he loved me. Soon enough, his breathing became soft and rhythmic with sleep, and I was left alone with my thoughts.

  I don’t know how long it took me to fall asleep that night, far too consumed with my thoughts and questions to keep track of something as trivial as time. So, I lay there until I don’t know when, wondering, wishing, and, for the very first time since things began to change for me, actually mourning my life lost.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I didn’t even need to open my eyes to know where I wound up dreaming that night. The warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze against my skin was all I needed to realize that, for the first time in quite a while, be it while I was sleeping or awake, I was back in the meadow.

  Now that my life was drastically different, I didn’t need to run away to that vacant plot of land in my neighborhood anymore. My spot in the clearing against the tree had been a secret, but it was one I didn’t have much use for in recent days. When Danny was still cropping up in my dreams, our cruel universe kept putting us in The Bistro, daring him to confront me, daring me to confess. If we weren’t there, we were simply in my bedroom, lying together in my bed to chat the night away. Thinking about it, I couldn’t recall the last time I had been to the meadow, but all I knew was that Danny had to have been with me.