Clicking Stones

by Nancy Tyler Glenn

  * * * *

  Erica was unprepared. Morgan was so thin Erica hardly recognized her. Her thinness accentuated her high cheekbones and dark penetrating eyes.

  Morgan spoke. "What, no Stone? I expected to see you standing here on the doorstep ready to Click. Come in. I thought you'd never get here."

  It took Erica a moment to realize that Morgan was teasing about the Stone. The slow, easy, fascinating voice was rambling in a manner she wasn't used to. She looked at her watch. "Am I late?"

  "No, no. I'm restless today. It's good to see you. You look wonderful. I like your hair."

  Erica was pleased. "Thanks, I had been wearing it short but..."

  "What can I get you? I think there's some beer... or cola. Would you like a cola?"

  Erica sat down on the sofa and crossed her legs. She was aware of Morgan looking at her. "No thanks. I just had-"

  Morgan moved through the swinging door into the kitchen.

  Erica absently twirled her Stone and began to form a plan. She had the weekend free. If she could only get Morgan to agree to go to the cabin. Maybe it would be better if Morgan saw a doctor first. She seemed awfully thin. If the weekend wasn't enough time she would just have to miss some school. Mike would be pissed if she took more time from the Center. Tough shit.

  Morgan came back into the room. "What did you say you wanted? I forgot. Do you want a beer? There's some scotch."

  "No, yes, I'll have a scotch."

  Morgan disappeared again and came back with a glass of ice and moved toward the bar. "Donna says you have some kind of big center now. I was going to call. I've only been back two weeks. Lots to do. I've been gone for five years."

  Erica was excited by the tension in Morgan's body. She moved like a cat. "I've missed you."

  "Yes, I've missed you, too. I've been studying with Claude Bernard. He's the best sculptor living today. Jesse would have been the best if he had lived. Claude has big hands. Strong. Jesse wasn't as strong but he had more vision. I liked his vision." Morgan put a cocktail napkin on the table in front of Erica and set the glass on it. She sat down at the far end of the sofa and put a thin bare foot up on the coffee table. For a moment she seemed almost relaxed. She smiled at Erica as though seeing her for the first time. "You look marvelous. You're wearing makeup. That's a beautiful jacket. I like suede."

  Erica's voice revealed her emotion. "When my mom told me you were back..." She wanted to touch Morgan. "Seeing you is wonderful. I've thought about you many times in the past few years. I'm glad you're finally home."

  Morgan rubbed her forehead. "I'm not sure I'm here to stay. I had to come back on some legal matters. Ted is trying to take over my trust fund. He thinks I use the money injudiciously." She laughed nervously. "As soon as I get this straightened out I'll probably go back." She looked at Erica. "Back to gay Paree."

  Erica had never imagined the effect Morgan would have on her. It was almost frightening. She took a drink of scotch and put the glass down. "Were you alone in Paris?"

  "Alone?" Morgan smiled. "No, never alone. I hate being alone. The more the merrier."

  Erica reached into her pocket for her cigarettes. "I mean did you go there alone?" She offered the pack to Morgan.

  "Are you still smoking those strong ones?" Morgan took a package of Kents from the table in front of her. "The cigarettes in Europe are terrible. Yes, I went there by myself."

  Erica put the pack back in her pocket. She took another drink of scotch. She could see Morgan beginning to relax. "I lived with a woman for awhile." Her eyes connected with Morgan's. "I've been living alone for four or five years."

  Morgan lit her cigarette and blew out the match. It was the first gesture that seemed familiar to Erica. She smiled, remembering the first time she had seen Morgan light a cigarette.

  Morgan drew smoke deeply into her lungs and then exhaled slowly. Her eyes searched Erica's face. "Yes, Donna told me you were with a woman. I was surprised. I always thought you would get married and have ten kids." A cloud seemed to cross her eyes. "You were so innocent."

  Erica brushed the rim of her glass across her lips. "Loving a woman just never occurred to me. I used to wish one of us was a man so I could marry you. Now I wish I hadn't been so naive."

  Morgan's eyes searched Erica's face again and then she shut them and drew in a deep breath. The pulse was visible in her throat and Erica could feel her own heart beating. The tension in the room was interrupted by the sound of chimes.

  Morgan pushed herself up. "Excuse me." She moved gracefully toward the hallway.

  Erica cursed softly. When Morgan got rid of whoever it was they could go to her apartment. A quick call to Julie and there wouldn't be any more interruptions. She had a couple of steaks in the freezer and some wine. Maybe a nice salad.

  Morgan came back into the room followed by another woman. "You remember Britt, don't you? We went to school together."

  Erica stared without wanting to.

  Britt flipped her hand in a little half wave. "Hi, Erica." Her voice was sullen. She turned her attention to Morgan. "I need a beer." She went into the kitchen.

  Erica got up. "I have to get back."

  "No," Morgan admonished. "Please, I want you to stay."

  Erica sat down again, confused.

  Britt came back into the room with a can of beer and plopped down on a large overstuffed chair. The light blonde hair, pale skin and violet eyes were perfectly framed against the dark leather. She looked at Erica. "Long time no see, what have you been doing?"

  Before Erica could answer Britt jumped up. "I almost forgot, I left my lipstick here last week. I was going to pick it up when I was here last night but it slipped my mind." She disappeared in the direction of Morgan's bedroom.

  "Excuse me." Erica got up and walked to the guest bathroom. She shut the door behind her and took a deep breath. Morgan had gone to bed early last night.

  Erica shook her head. She had a reputation for playing it a little loose, but she didn't have a reputation for breaking up couples. Morgan should have told her and not let her make a fool of herself. She looked at the woman in the mirror. "Asshole!" she told her.

  When Erica returned, Britt was standing next to the sofa where Morgan was sitting. They were speaking too softly for Erica to hear the conversation, but the tone was argumentative. Morgan saw Erica and stopped speaking.

  Britt turned to her. "Morgan hasn't eaten anything all day. I'm going to fix dinner."

  "Would you like something to eat?" Morgan asked.

  "You would be doing her a favor if you said yes," Britt assured her. "Look at her. Donna said to make sure she eats."

  Erica looked at her watch. "I really have to leave. I have to hit the books. You know I'm working on my doctorate."

  Britt looked at her and then flounced into the kitchen.

  Morgan's eyes sought Erica's.

  "Please don't do that." Erica fought her tears. "I have to leave." She started toward the hallway.

  Morgan rose quickly to her feet. "I'll walk you to your car."

  Erica shook her head.

  Morgan looked abashed. "I'll call you later."

  "Please don't," Erica implored. "I'm just not ready for this."

  Morgan closed her eyes for a moment and then looked at Erica searchingly. "I'm sorry." She reached up and lightly brushed Erica's lips with her slender fingers.

  Had the fingers lingered a moment longer, Erica would have had to kiss them.

  * * * *

  November 8, 1967

  Dear Kelly,

  I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to stop by on your way back from Bolivia.

  I went to the opening of an exhibition of Morgan's work. The sculptures were beautiful but they weren't Morgan. They were massive and very masculine. There is nothing masculine about Morgan. She is strong, but all woman. I was planning to buy a couple of pieces for the garden at Central but nothing I saw would fit in here.

  There were two pieces I did buy for myself. Apparently she did the
m when she first went back to Paris. They fascinate me. Sometimes when I look at them I almost start to hallucinate (and I'm not taking anything). They are busts of two women wearing very close-fitting helmets with an oblong emblem on the front. Inside the emblem is an insignia. When I look at them I get very frustrated - like trying to remember the title of a familiar song.

  Ted and Donna were at the exhibition and we went out for a drink. They went to Paris last year to see Morgan. Ted showed me some pictures of her. She is racing cars now (which has Ted and Donna worried). She is still thin but not like she was when I saw her four years ago. She is very attractive and there were many lovely women hanging around the fringes - none of them looked like Britt. I wanted to ask if Morgan is living with anyone, etc., but I'm uncomfortable talking to them about her.

  Thinking about it later, I realized - I love Morgan and always will (it's like she has a sign on me) but I wouldn't be comfortable living the life she has chosen for herself. I even entertained the idea of going to Paris after I got my doctorate (to test the water) but I changed my mind. Knowing how she affects me I'm better off staying away from her.

  As a result of your book on Vietnam, Julie and a group Mike calls "Julie's Girls," went on a protest march last April. Mike was pissed as hell.

  Julie started a group for women. They come in and Click but then they also talk. It's totally without ritual and I've never heard people talk so intimately. Sometimes they pick a subject like jobs, or relationships - even sex. Many of the women who are lesbians came out during one of the discussions. When it first happened most of the straight women crossed their legs, but after they talked about fear, everybody seemed to relax. Now I can hug women without being afraid of what they'll think.

  Mike is restless. Attendance is down at Central. After ten years of operation the young people think of us as part of the establishment.

  What has happened, mostly due to Julie's groups, is a number of small centers opening up all over the place. They are usually started by women. Mike doesn't like it because he can t control them, but they send us money.

  I'm glad you're finally taking time out to get your Masters, you deadbeat!

  Have you heard the AHOT's latest album, If It's A Stone? I heard a less elegant song called "Gimmie a Click - I Got Me A Brick."

  Sorry about the divorce but frankly I've seen it coming for a long time. I don't think STAllioN's ego could take your success.

  Love,

  Erica

  * * * *

  Erica slipped into her jeans, cowboy boots, warm sweater and a pea jacket with the same sense of adventure she always felt when she was going to spend the day with Maudeen. She put a carrot for Maudeen in the pocket of her pea jacket.

  She was surprised to see Mike's Cadillac in the parking lot. It wasn't in its usual place. He refused to park in his space since someone had painted out DIRECTOR and painted in DICTATOR.

  She walked back to his office. He was in his shirtsleeves and looked up frowning. "We discussed you coming to Center dressed like this."

  "Yes," Erica agreed, "we discussed it. What are you doing here so early?" She poured herself a cup of coffee from the pot on his desk.

  "I came in to look over some bills." He looked worried. "Our expenditures seem to be exceeding our income." He handed her a bill. "What's this?"

  Erica looked at it. "We rented a film for the Women's group. It was an educational film on self-examination. I learned a lot from it."

  Mike looked at her condescendingly. "Is this an appropriate expenditure for a spiritual center?"

  Erica was annoyed. "What's this spiritual shit? We aren't chartered as a church. We're an educational center and the film was educational."

  "That's another thing," Mike said with a scowl, "your language. There have been complaints."

  "Anything else?"

  "I can see you aren't in the mood to talk," Mike grumbled.

  * * * *

  Erica put the top down on her MG. She loved the cold wind in her face. The sight of the ocean cleansed her of any bad feelings she had from her encounter with Mike. The sand was covered with seaweed and other debris left by the swollen waves, but the sea was calm. She turned on her radio and sped along the coast listening to the brassy sounds of Herb Alpert's latest hit.

  Maudeen saw her and whinnied. "Hi, girl." Erica reached through the railing and rubbed her nose. Maudeen stamped a hoof and pushed against Erica's arm. "Do you think I brought you something?" Erica teased.

  "Hey! Get away from that horse!"

  Erica wheeled. Then she watched with interest as a woman she had never seen before clomped down the wooden steps and strode toward her.

  "I'm sorry I yelled." The voice was warm and musical. "That mare is unpredictable."

  "We're old friends." Erica smiled. "Where's Emma?"

  "Down at the barn with the vet. My name is Nicole. I started working here last week." She grinned. "Do you want to wait in the house?"

  "No, that's OK. I can tack up Maudeen myself. By the way, I'm Erica."

  Nicole peered at Erica's face. "Of course, I recognize you now. There's a portrait of you at the Center where Julie works." She laughed. "You don't look quite so young and innocent in person."

  Erica smiled. "That portrait is about ten years old. I don't remember seeing you there."

  "I just went one time," Nicole said. "You were out of town."

  Maudeen whinnied and pawed impatiently.

  "Excuse me," Erica apologized, "Maudeen is waiting for her treat. Did you think I had forgotten you?" She took the carrot from her pocket. She was aware of Nicole watching her and felt a pleasant sensation in her hips.

  "Emma's coming out with the vet now." Nicole's voice held a suggestion of teasing, as though she knew the effect she had on Erica.

  Emma grabbed Erica and hugged her roughly. "You're a sight for sore eyes!" She pulled Erica toward the house. "Come on, I'm hungry as a bear. Nicole's going to whip up some breakfast."

  Erica knew better than to argue with Emma.

  * * * *

  Nicole sat easy in the saddle. "I'm glad Emma suggested I go with you. The trail has too many mud holes. No one should ride alone today."

  Erica was glad Nicole was with her but for a different reason. "Where did you meet Julie?"

  Nicole had been looking at the outline of Erica's breasts. "We met at a peace rally. She's the one who told me about this job."

  "Emma really needed some help." Erica guided Maudeen around a big mud puddle.

  Nicole followed her on Barley, the big gelding. "I'll be leaving in January. I'm going to San Francisco for my Masters."

  Erica looked back at Nicole. For the first time she realized how young she was.

  They started up the path Erica usually took, the leather creaking as the horses strained on the upward climb. At one point Erica stopped and pointed toward the construction site of a new house. "That's where Maudeen and I used to go before they started building. I used to sit under that tree and play my flute."

  "I've followed the creek right through the property." Nicole shifted in her saddle.

  "At least they didn't chop down my tree," Erica said.

  The sky suddenly darkened.

  Nicole looked up. "We'd better head back. It looks like it might rain again."

  They reached the bottom of the hill just as a loud clap of thunder sounded. Maudeen squealed and bucked. Erica slid out of the saddle into the mud.

  Off Barley in a second, Nicole ran to Erica and knelt next to her. "Are you hurt?"

  Erica laughed, raindrops splattering on her face. "I should have had my feet in the stirrups. Maudeen hasn't bucked me for so long I wasn't expecting it. I just need to catch my breath."

  "Let's see if you can stand." Nicole put her arms around Erica and helped her up.

  Erica was keenly aware of Nicole's touch. When she was finally on her feet the two women were standing inches apart. For a moment Nicole's arms tightened around her and she was sure she was going to be k
issed.

  Nicole slowly released her. "Let's get these horses back. Emma will be worried."

  Emma was waiting on the porch when they got back. When she saw Erica she hollered, "What the blazes happened to you? You're a mess." She moved down the steps and held the bridles while the women slid off.