Clicking Stones

by Nancy Tyler Glenn

  "No," the tiny, tiny lips attested. "You asked if I'd do it and I said I'd be happy to. Have I ever denied you a request when it is in my power to-"

  "You knew what I meant," Erica said through her teeth. "I even said please."

  "Don't you see," the tiny, tiny lips instructed kindly, "I'm very busy and although I'm programmed to read mood shifts as they're revealed through biological changes I'm not able to read what you do not speak."

  Morgan was fascinated as she watched Erica relax. "What's happening?" she whispered to Billy.

  "Computer instruction," Billy revealed.

  "Now, Erica, I had no way of knowing when you wanted the printout. I thought we were just chatting as we often do to be sociable."

  "I see," Erica said. "This is a priority. Can you give it to me now?"

  "Of course."

  Jerri was fascinated. "Does Erica get that angry at home?"

  Morgan nodded. "From time to time."

  "She seemed so ferocious. What do you do?"

  "Nothing," Morgan said. "When she's ready we're able to put our heads together and figure out what's wrong. Usually it's as simple as making an apology."

  "Mummy told me Erica has always been a very passionate person," Britain added.

  Erica tore the paper off the printer. "Let's put our heads together and see if we can figure out why there was such a mood drop in the room when I was giving my spiel."

  The five women sat around the conference table, each in turn examining the information.

  "All it says here is that people who think they are smart see the light," Morgan concluded.

  "We could take a look at the video," Britain suggested.

  "Why?" Erica asked.

  "You said you wanted to determine at what point the mood changed in the room. I thought it might show up on the tape."

  Billy looked at her proudly.

  "Good idea," said Morgan.

  Erica studied the screen thoughtfully. It was very interesting, even if she did look a little arrogant, self-centered and naive. She didn't look bad - that easy slouch in the seminar leader chair, tugging at the microphone cord when she needed to stall for time. Yes, she looked sincere and certainly knew what she was talking about. She had terrific eye contact which added to her air of authority. She smiled at the right times, chuckled when appropriate, cocked her head and looked cute when it was the thing to do.

  Erica watched the faces of the others as they viewed the screen attentively. Suddenly everyone in unison pointed to the TV. "That's it!"

  "What is it?" Erica asked.

  "Stupid!" Morgan told her. "You said that people who couldn't see the light were stupid. It stands to reason - those who consider themselves stupid wouldn't see it."

  After viewing the tape again Erica looked at the others. "I don't know what to do. I'll do anything. Just tell me how to unravel that story so that people who think they are stupid won't exclude themselves from the light."

  In unison everyone looked in the direction of the little lips.

  "Are you ready?" Erica asked.

  "Go ahead," the tiny lips instructed. "I'll see what I can do."

  Erica began, "When I was seven years old..."

  "I'm glad we're friends," the tiny lips told her ten minutes later, "because you haven't said anything."

  "I was telling you the story of receiving my Stone

  and-"

  "Erica, I've never said this to you before but, CUT. There are too many contradictions. I'm afraid you've come to the wrong computer."

  "There must be something you can do."

  "Erica, it's just words strung together. Some words have different meanings and while I'm programmed for subtleties, quite frankly there were parts in the story where I'm convinced you didn't know yourself what you wanted to say."

  "Couldn't we take it sentence by sentence and try to make some sense of it? It would mean a great deal to a lot of people," Erica implored.

  "OK, but I'm warning you Erica, no c-r-a-p. This is going to take long enough as it is. You're going to have to sit down and work. I mean w-o-r-k."

  "I promise." Erica turned to the others. "This is going to take a while. Billy, get as much business handled today as possible."

  "I will," Billy promised. "I'd better get out there now. The AHOTs are on their last number, I Get a Click Out of You."

  When the others were gone, Morgan took Erica's face in her hands. "Would you like me to stay?"

  Erica shook her head.

  ~ Chapter 44 ~

  Morgan opened her eyes and smiled. "Have you been watching me sleep for very long?"

  "About five minutes. Watching you sleep makes me feel peaceful." Erica sat on the bed next to her lover. "Did I awaken you?"

  "No. Just let me splash some water on my face." Morgan moved toward the bathroom.

  While Erica was waiting for Morgan she took several pages of notes she had made that day and began shredding them.

  "Are those notes from this afternoon?" Morgan picked up her hiking boots and shook them upside down.

  Erica nodded.

  "You aren't giving up, are you?"

  "No, but these notes won't do me any good. The only thing that will work is to tell the truth."

  Morgan walked to the closet. "Do you want to talk about it?" She selected two warm sweaters.

  "Not yet. What I want to do right now is breathe fresh air and walk with you."

  It was beginning to turn cool. Morgan moved in step with Erica. "I didn't go back to the meeting today, but I saw Billy and Britain for a few minutes. Billy looks a little wild-eyed. Isn't she too young for all the responsibility she has at this conference?"

  "She can handle it." Erica laughed. "I think the wild look in her eyes has more to do with Britain. Britt said she gave her some pointers."

  Morgan took Erica's hand. "Who but Britt would think of a thing like that. How wonderful for them."

  "How long has Britt known that Britain is a lesbian?"

  "About three years," Morgan guessed.

  "It's wonderful that Britain felt free to talk to her about it," Erica said.

  Morgan kicked a rock from the trail. "It was the other way around. Britt told me Britain was displaying classic signs of lesbianism - her wall was covered with photographs of women actors, musicians and athletes. She would come home depressed after social events, spent hours locked in her room waiting for a phone call from a girl friend. She even tried to become unattractive so the boys would leave her alone."

  Erica breathed, "How could Britain become unattractive? She's even more beautiful than her mother."

  "Anyone can become unattractive if they work at it hard enough," Morgan asserted. "Anyway, one day she sat down and had a talk with Britain. Britt bought her some books -mostly novels."

  "Why does that make me want to cry?" Erica asked.

  Morgan squeezed her hand. "I know."

  "Even if our parents had known the signs to look for and had been willing to accept us, what books were there when we needed them?"

  "I read The Well of Loneliness in high school," Morgan revealed. "What a sad book."

  "I didn't read it until my third year of college," Erica said. "Years later I read The Price of Salt. At least Therese and Carol didn't have to die in the end."

  "Kids today have it easier than we did," Morgan maintained, "but we had the excitement and the challenge of changing society's attitudes."

  "We had many challenges," Erica said. "When we got out of high school the industrial revolution had just ended and the cybernetics revolution had just begun."

  "Has it been that long?"

  "Almost thirty years," Erica told her.

  Erica was propped up against a boulder looking into the moonless sky. "I wonder what my life would be like now if I'd found my ball that day when I walked into the woods -instead of getting my Stone."

  Morgan sat next to her. Their shoulders were touching. "I'm glad you didn't."

  "Does the Stone mean that much to yo
u?"

  "No." Morgan swatted at a mosquito. "When I saw you tossing your Stone into the air and catching it a bell went off in my head. It was as though all my life I'd been looking for a little girl tossing a light into the air. My heart pounded so hard I didn't know if I could walk the distance from my house to yours."

  Erica pressed against her. "Before I walked into the woods that day I didn't really exist. Everything in my world was outside of me. My parents, my house, my toys, teachers, friends - everything was just there in front of me as I needed it. It's like I was a spirit instead of a biological system. It wasn't until I thought I might die that I had the notion that I, too, had an effect on the world. Death didn't exist for me except as a loss to my parents. I was able to see them grieving for me. Minutes after I became aware of their love for me I was given my Stone. Do you think there was a connection?"

  "I don't know," Morgan admitted.

  "That light was so dazzling to me. I couldn't believe it when the old woman told me some people couldn't see it. I was serious when I said one would have to be stupid not to see it."

  "I don't think anyone blames you."

  Erica shook her head. "That isn't the problem. When I discovered that my own parents couldn't see the light, I decided to lie about it. I didn't even have to change the words the old woman spoke. I just emphasized the wrong word."

  Morgan was puzzled.

  "When I asked the old woman if I had a Clicked Stone she said: 'It looks as >though> you do.' I've been reporting the story as though she said: 'It looks as though you do.'"

  "I'm afraid I don't understand," Morgan said.

  "What she told me was, the lighted Stone is an illusion. It looks as though - it appears. The only accurate translation is: illusion. I was telling everyone it was apparent. It was a lie."

  "It wasn't such a terrible lie."

  "Everything I've become was built on a lie. I was able to convince myself that there was something special about me- the Lady of Light. Have you ever seen Billy light a Stone?"

  "She looks at people." Erica sat up and looked at Morgan. "She talks to them. I don't know what she says but they always smile and relax. At some moment their eyes light up, and that's when she Clicks them."

  "It's still an illusion," Morgan reminded her.

  "But her illusion includes that the light comes from them," Erica countered. "My illusion includes - if you don't see it my way you're stupid. That way, anyone who actually felt stupid was able to use my illusion to protect their own."

  "Are you afraid what people will say when you tell them?"

  "No, I'm afraid of being ordinary. Without the lie I will be just like everybody else."

  "That isn't such a bad thing." Morgan took her hands. "When I came to life on the operating table - it was much the same thing. I had lost my innocence. I was no longer the very special pain in the ass - with a special mission to carry forth my brother's vision. And I no longer suffered from the illusion I had killed him. Once I accepted the truth, other truths found me. My life changed in almost every way. I became, as you said - ordinary."

  "Was it difficult?"

  "It was worth it." Morgan lifted Erica's hands to her lips and kissed them.

  "Did you lose many friends?"

  "Not the important ones."

  "Which ones were they?"

  "The ones who stayed."

  "What's the best part of living without your illusion?" Erica kissed the tip of Morgan's nose.

  Morgan tilted her head and captured Erica's lips. When she pulled away she said, "Authenticity."

  "What's the worst part of being just like everybody else?"

  "You'll see, and it won't take very long," Morgan assured her.

  "Tell me," Erica insisted.

  "Are you sure you want to know?"

  Erica nodded.

  "Well, when we meet new people they'll get our names mixed up. Sometimes they'll call me Erica and sometimes call you Morgan."

  "Irritating," Erica declared.

  "Irritating," Morgan agreed.

  After the two had left the hilltop, there was a rustling sound nearby and a voice came out of the darkness. "They're gone."

  Becky sat up in the sleeping bag and held up her Stone. "Look!"

  "Put that thing away," Jerri warned. "They might be close enough to see it."

  "I can see it," Becky whispered excitedly. "I can see the light!"

  * * * *

  July 7, 1984

  Dear Kelly,

  Morgan's suggestion that I call you was brilliant. I want to thank you for your support and coaching.

  My plan was to tell the story as it really happened and then apologize profusely. It didn't happen that way. Just telling it as it happened was enough. No one seemed interested in an apology.

  When my story was finished I heard a gasp, followed by three gasps followed by many gasps. Once the light happened for one, it seemed to multiply by itself until everyone in the camp was carrying a Stone they knew was lit. I've never seen anything like it.

  I asked Becky why the distinction I had created of "stupid" had prevented her from seeing the light. She said, "Once one accepts a part of another's illusion, the whole illusion can be seen in one small part." Then she told me - that it was impossible to accept the part of the illusion that was useful without also accepting my assessment. Hence, my assessment about people being stupid if they couldn't see the light matched her own assessment of her intelligence (which of course is her own illusion).

  The last time everybody came together, before we left, I told them how I saw the light when I closed my eyes. It seems to come from a distant light, and reflects in the eyes of the Clicker, and then bounces to the Stone and back up to the source. Many told me they had already noticed how it worked. We all put our Stones in our pockets and gazed together in the direction of the light. Swear-to-god, for a microsecond it seemed to wink back.

  I really want to thank you, first of all for telling Billy the truth when you lit her Stone at Woodstock many years ago. It has meant a great deal to Clickers all over the world. Next, I want to thank you for not revealing to me that I told you the truth that time I got so drunk. You are right - it was much more effective for me to experience the truth myself.

  As you might have guessed, I am getting out of Clicking. As I told you while you were visiting - I just want to Click Morgan, spend some time with the girls, ride my horse, play my flute, and at night I want to go to bed with Morgan and make love.

  It's possible I was just holding together the illusion of the Clicked Stone, waiting for Billy. I love watching her Click. It is still an illusion, but a very wonderful and useful one. She is just there for people who want to Click a Stone to reflect their own light, and to demonstrate to others that the light is there for all of them.

  Speaking of Billy, she and Britain and Morgan are with a real estate agent over at Emma's. She told me she was thinking of buying the place. I explained to her that there are many acres and the cost is phenomenal - on her salary she couldn't afford the payments. She pointed out that even though we don't pay our managers much money, we have been willing to pay exorbitant rents. Since she used her house in Martins Ferry, she really cleaned up. She used the money to start a health food store and now has a chain of them across the country. Maybe you've heard of the chain -Pacific Health Foods.

  I warned her that this health food thing is just a fad, but she proved to me it is really a trend and will only increase. I asked her where she gets the time for business with all of her other responsibilities. She does all her business by computer. At the end of every work day the cash register reads the day's business into a central computer which then does all the ordering. And Billy seems like such a simple person.

  I'm glad you have decided to change stEwarD's name to wED. Once you got over your prejudice about his age, it was inevitable.

  Gotta go now. I have to rinse my bean sprouts before my Jin Shin Do masseuse gets here. Also, the three should be back soon and we're
going to barbecue some organically grown chickens.

  Write soon.

  Love,

  Erica

  * * * *

  While Erica was addressing the envelope to Kelly, the telephone rang.

  "Mi vida."