Hate the Way He Loves Me

by Stacey Covington-Lee

  “Zoe, baby, don’t say that. I’d hate for something to happen to you if you tried to leave. And I know you’d hate for something to happen to your mom or sister if I were to come home and find you and all your stuff gone. Now I’ve told you that I’m sorry and I really mean it. I never should have allowed Rich to man-handle you like that or call you out of your name. But I swear baby, it’ll never happen again.”

  Ramon’s voice was sincere and he gently caressed her as he spoke, but his temporary sincerity meant nothing to Zoe. She and her family had heard it all before. That sorry ass Otis would apologize and bring them all kinds of meaningless gifts every time he sobered up and realized what horrific things he’d done to them. But Ramon was taking it to a new level with his threats against her family. His apology meant nothing to her, but his threats meant everything. Zoe would do whatever she had to; endure just about anything to keep her mom and sister safe.

  “Say something babe. I’m pouring my heart out to you and you won’t even look at me,” Ramon begged.

  “Are you serious! What do you want me to say? Do you want me to thank you for threatening my life and the lives of my family? Thank you for slapping me and punching me as if I were some thug on the street? Thank you for using the things I told you about my life, my father, and my abuse against me? You threw that up in my face in a most hurtful way and that showed me what a pathetic man you really are.”

  “Okay, maybe I deserve that. I realize that none of that was cool and it shouldn’t have happened, but you can’t stay mad at me forever. Zoe we can have a really good life together, but you’ll have to forgive me first.”

  “Ramon, you are a weak excuse for a human being. I don’t know what Rich has on you to make you act like his little bitch, but you need to man up and get him out of your life. As long as he controls you and you are abusive to me, there will be nothing good about either of our lives,” Zoe retorted as she tried to get out of bed, but Ramon yanked her back down.

  “You call me a bitch again and it’ll be the last thing you ever call anyone. Rich doesn’t have a damn thing on me. He’s my boy, my friend and you will respect him just like you will respect me.” He released her arm and allowed her to get up from the bed. “What are you getting ready to do?”

  “I’m going to soak in a hot bath, maybe it will help ease my pain.”

  “I’ll do it for you, babe. Relax and I’ll run you a hot bubble bath. It’ll be ready in just a minute.” Ramon jumped up and went into the bathroom to prepare Zoe’s bath. Not only did he fill the tub, but he turned on some relaxing Jazz and lit a few scented candles. He returned to the room, undressed Zoe, and helped her ease into the steaming bath. While she relaxed, Ramon went into the kitchen and began to prepare her breakfast.

  While Zoe relaxed her body, her mind was flying. She kept imagining different ways that she could get away from Ramon without harm coming to her or her family. And then she wondered if he’d actually try to hurt Martha or Pam if she left him. There was no doubt that he’d beat her senseless, but would he really hurt them? It was a chance that she was not willing to take. She’d been the protector, the planner, the defender of the three of them for so long and now she was the one putting them all in harm’s way. Tears began to run down her face as she contemplated having to run from another abuser and uproot her family to yet another city.

  Ramon returned to the bathroom, helped Zoe out of the tub, dried her off and dressed her in fresh pajamas. Then he presented her with a wonderful breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast, and coffee. Zoe was baffled. How could he be so evil one minute and like Prince Charming the next? Was he bipolar, schizophrenic, or just plain crazy? Whatever the case, Zoe knew she had to devise a plan to get away because only God knew what other evil he was capable of.

  ~~~~

  April knew that something was terribly wrong with Zoe, but had been unsuccessful in getting her friend to open up to her. Zoe’s body showed up at work, but her mind was clearly somewhere else. The glow and joyfulness that was so much a part of her was now gone. Instead, she walked around like a zombie, in a trance that April hadn’t been able to shake her out of. After three days of observing this behavior, April called Desi in hopes that he would somehow be able to pull Zoe out of this funk she’d slipped into.

  “Desi, I’m really worried about her. She won’t talk to me; at lunch she goes and sits in her car and cries. I have no idea what has happened. I don’t know how to help her and I’m scared,” April confessed.

  “I’ll be waiting in the parking lot after work and we’ll get to the bottom of this, I promise,” Desi reassured her.

  As promised, when April and Zoe walked out of the credit union, Desi stood in the parking lot right outside of his car. Zoe immediately knew that April had called in the troops. Hard as she’d tried, she hadn’t been able to put on a happy face or share with April what had happened at home. She was too embarrassed and ashamed that her life had taken such a drastic and painful turn. The ladies approached Desi and without provocation, Zoe fell into his arms and began to weep. Keeping secrets from April was one thing, but with Desi she wouldn’t even try. He knew her too well and he was her safe haven. He held her tight and whispered, “I’m here, love. Let it out, go ahead and cry. I got you.”

  Zoe’s tears brought tears to April’s eyes. Seeing her in such obvious pain was heartbreaking for both April and Desi. And not knowing the source of the pain was maddening. When her sobs started to subside, Desi motioned for April to get in his car as he walked Zoe around to the passenger side. He opened the door, but she didn’t get in as he had expected.

  “I can’t go with you guys,” she objected. “I’ve got to get home, Ramon is expecting me.”

  “He can wait!” Desi clearly didn’t give a damn what Ramon expected. His concern was for Zoe and no one else. “Get in,” he instructed and Zoe knew that there was no telling him no. She eased in the car and it wasn’t long before they were all sitting in Desi’s apartment. He poured them all a glass of wine, looked at Zoe and simply said, “Talk.”

  “Things with Ramon aren’t going the way I’d imagined they would. I wasn’t at all ready to move in with him. He’s just not the man I thought he was.”

  “I’ll be over this weekend to help you pack and we’ll move you right back home with Ms. Martha and Pam,” Desi said thinking that it was just that simple.

  “I can’t,” Zoe said. “It’s not that easy to walk away from him. He has promised that we’d get counseling and try to work through our issues,” she lied. Ramon had made it quite clear that he would never go to another counseling session with her or anyone else. And that lie may have worked except for the fact that she’d already shared with April months ago that there would be no more therapy.

  “He’s hitting you, isn’t he?” The anger in April’s voice was unmistakable. “That son-of-a-bitch is putting his hands on you. That’s what that scar at your eye was about, wasn’t it?” she demanded.

  “Yes, that bastard hit me. He punched me, he slapped me, and he threatened me and my family. I hate everything about him, but I can’t leave him,” Zoe confessed.

  Desi jumped up from the couch, went to his bedroom and came back with his Smith and Wesson 9mm gun. He was headed to the door with his keys and gun in hand. No doubt where he was going or what he was going to do. Both Zoe and April jumped from their seats and ran behind him. Zoe grabbed his arm and started pulling him away from the door. “You can’t do this, Desi. If it were that simple, I would’ve killed him myself,” she yelled.

  “I’m not about to let that coward beat up on you and it is that simple. I’m going to kill that bastard!” Desi exclaimed as he tried to free himself from both the women.

  “And then what, go to prison? You can’t ruin your life like that Desi. I need you here with me, not locked up in some cell. Please, Desi, don’t do this,” Zoe pleaded.

  “She’s right, Desi. This isn’t the way to handle things,” April added as she held her hand firmly
in the center of his chest as if she were strong enough to stop him.

  Desi stopped trying to push his way to the door and took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll put the gun back, but I am going to see Ramon. He has got to be dealt with.” Desi put the weapon back in his bedroom and once again began his journey to the front door. “Y’all wait here, I’ll be back in a little while,” he instructed.

  “Desi, you can’t go confront Ramon. He has vowed to kill me or cause serious harm to Mama and Pam if I try to leave him. He can’t know that I have told y’all what’s going on, if he does I’ll be the one to pay the price,” Zoe told them as she took a seat back on the couch. “I am truly between a rock and a hard place. I can’t leave and God knows I’m afraid to stay, but I have no choice.” Zoe dropped her head in her hands and began to cry again. Her tears angered her because she never viewed herself as a weak, cry baby, but that’s just what Ramon was turning her into.

  “Look, I have some friends from my old neighborhood that would be happy to put a stop to Ramon. It would be so random that no one would ever be able to connect it back to any of us. All I need is one day and I promise you’ll be getting a call from the cops or the hospital saying that there’s been an accident.” April was stone faced and very serious.

  “I swear, I love y’all for wanting to protect me, but I got myself into this mess and I’ll have to get myself out of it. Besides, Ramon has safeguards in place. In case something suspicious happens to him, there’ll be someone there to take it out on me. He has this friend named Rich and I swear he is like the puppet master. He pulls the strings and Ramon dances. The only reason Ramon punched me the other day was because Rich held my arms and told him to. And just like that ass Otis, Ramon is full of apologies and good deeds after the fact.”

  “So what are we supposed to do? Sit idly by while you get beat up by this animal,” April asked.

  “I know it’s hard for you both, but I do actually need for you to do nothing. And please, I beg you to keep all of this away from my mom and sister,” Zoe responded as she looked in Desi’s direction. She knew his first reaction would be to tell Martha what was going on and Zoe couldn’t have him doing that. “I’m thinking of possible ways to get out of this situation and I ask y’all to trust me and please be a little patient. I won’t let Ramon’s bipolar ass kill me or anyone that I love.”

  “You’re asking the impossible Zoe,” Desi said. “I can’t send you back to him. If something terrible happens to you I would never forgive myself.”

  “Nothing is going to happen that I can’t handle and once I devise a plan, you’ll be the first ones to know about it. But for now, please take me back to my car because I’ve got to get home. I don’t want to give him any reason to pick a fight.”

  “Okay, I’ll take you back to your car under one condition,” Desi bargained. “Let’s stop by the police station and at least file a report. There needs to be some kind of a paper trail.”

  “Alright, but they better move fast,” Zoe agreed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Zoe hurried in the house, but only after she’d tucked the police report under the spare tire in her trunk for safe keeping. Luckily, Ramon had decided to meet his friends after work for a beer. She took full advantage of her time alone by packing her valuable jewelry and important papers in a small box and loading them into her car. Although she couldn’t leave now, she decided to start getting her vital possessions out of the house little by little.

  By the time Ramon returned home, Zoe had eaten, taken a hot bath, and was resting peacefully in bed. The noise that Ramon made when he entered the room woke her, but she didn’t move a muscle. She’d hoped that he would be considerate enough to not disturb her and quietly ease into his side of bed and fall fast asleep. Zoe was so thankful when her wish came true. He’d drank so much that he slid out of his clothes and flopped down on the bed like a rag doll and was snoring in no time flat. Zoe laid there thinking about how funny it was that she used to find his snoring funny and cute. Now it was annoying and she prayed that the snoring would cause him to choke to death.

  Morning had come so quickly and Zoe had no intention of laying around wasting the day with Ramon. “Where are you going so early?” Ramon asked as he turned over to see Zoe dressed and ready to leave.

  “I promised my mom that I’d take her shopping today and she wants to get an early start.”

  “Well how long do you plan on being gone?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll just play things by ear and see how the day goes. I know I’ll be gone at least long enough to share a dinner out with Mama and Pam.”

  “I see… Enjoy yourself, don’t do anything that would cause any of y’all harm and be back here by 7:00.”

  “Why do I need to be here by 7:00?” Zoe asked as she slipped her purse on her shoulder and dangled keys in her hand.

  “Because I said so and because we’re heading over to Rich’s place to watch the fight on pay-per-view. Oh and pick up some beer on your way back in. I told Rich that we’d supply the drinks.”

  Zoe’s heart dropped. She knew that an evening at Rich’s house would not end well for her. She absolutely hated him and felt sorry for his girlfriend, Candy. Rich was sure to take advantage of every opportunity to make Candy feel like a worthless piece of trash. “Why can’t we watch the fight here, just the two of us? I’ll pay for it and even pick up dinner,” she offered.

  “It’ll be more fun with friends so do as I’ve said and be back here on time. If I have to go looking for you, everyone will regret it,” Ramon threatened as he got out of bed and moved towards Zoe. He hugged her and kissed her on the forehead. “I love you Zoe, now go have fun.”

  It seemed that every free moment was spent plotting her escape from Ramon. Zoe drove through the city streets thinking that maybe she could move her mother and sister to another location within the city. Somewhere Ramon would never dream of looking. But then it hit her that he knew where both Martha and Pam worked. Their lives had been so disrupted so many times that Zoe absolutely refused to uproot them again. They would not suffer the loss of their home, jobs, and in Pam’s case, love life, all because she screwed around and chose the wrong man. Turning everything over in her brain was giving her a headache, so she decided to forget about it for a while and just enjoy the day with Martha.

  “Mama I’m here! Where are you?” Zoe called out.

  “I’m in my room baby. Come on back,” Martha instructed with a shaky voice.

  Zoe walked back to her mother’s room and as she crossed the threshold it became evident that something was terribly wrong. Martha was sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes. “Mama, what’s wrong, why are you crying?” she asked as she sat on the bed beside Martha. Noticing something in her mother’s hands, Zoe reached for it assuming it was the reason for Martha’s tears. But she was very reluctant to let it go and when Zoe finally wiggled it from her grip, her jaw dropped. It was a photo shopped picture of Zoe and Pam’s naked, mutilated bodies sprawled out on the floor, and the caption read “the only way she’ll leave me is over their dead bodies.”

  “I don’t know how he found us, Zoe,” Martha sobbed. “I was careful not to tell any family members where we were and I know that Pam was careful as well. I don’t know how he found us or how I can protect you girls,” she cried with confusion.

  Without a name or address attached to the photo, Martha had assumed that it was from Otis. Zoe was the only one he hadn’t been able to rape and for that reason she understood how Martha might think it was from him. Otis had always vowed that Zoe was his ‘baby girl’ and always would be. But Zoe knew better, she knew that the sick creator of the picture was Ramon. He wanted to make sure that she understood how serious he was about her never leaving him. What Zoe didn’t understand was why he had to drag her mother into it. Ramon knew what all they had been through; he knew how fragile they were. Zoe had given him no indication that she was leaving so in her mind, this was an unnecessary threat. It was nothing short o
f evil.

  “Mama, has Pam seen this?”

  “No, not yet. She spent the night with Alvin and won’t be back for another hour or so. When she sees this, she’s going to regress right back to that scary, paranoid little girl she was before we moved here.”

  “No she won’t because we’re not going to show it to her. There is no reason for her to suffer because of this insanity.”

  “Zoe, it’s only fair that we tell her. She has to know that Otis has found us. This fool could pop up from anywhere and she needs to know to be on the lookout.”

  “It’s not Otis, Mama. Ramon is the one responsible for this picture,” Zoe dropped her head and confessed. “I didn’t want you to know, it’s all so embarrassing, but Ramon is a very dangerous man.”

  Now it was Zoe’s turn to cry and that’s just what she did as she recounted some of the incidents of violence that Ramon had inflicted upon her. She told her mother about his threats and how Rich influenced him to take the abuse a little further than what he normally would. Martha held her daughter and they cried together. Martha blamed herself, thinking that if she hadn’t subjected Zoe to a violent environment as a child, she wouldn’t be in this situation now.

  “I’m so sorry, baby; I should have run away from Otis as soon as he showed himself to be violent. If I had you wouldn’t be in this situation now. I never should have allowed y’all to witness violence, let alone become the victims of it. This is all my fault and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to protect you,” Martha sobbed uncontrollably.

  “Mama please don’t say that. None of this is your fault. Otis was a monster and there was no way you could protect any of us. If you had tried he would’ve killed you on the spot.” Zoe decided that she’d had enough of the tears and grabbed a handful of tissues to wipe her face and blow her nose. “Here Mama, stop crying and clean your face,” Zoe demanded. “Pam will be here shortly and she doesn’t need to know any of this. I will not allow this to undo all the progress she’s made.”