Friendship

by Margit Sandemo

  “You told me that you weren’t in love with the vicar. All you said was that “such things” are necessary.”

  Cecilie sank into the nearest chair, still unable to summon any useful words.

  “I really would like to know,” he said.

  “But why, I wonder?”

  “Because I only want what’s best for you.”

  They were in the anteroom between their bedrooms. Cecilie’s head was spinning and her vision seemed to be blurred by the pounding of blood in her temples, her ears and all through her body.

  “Surely, as long as I’m discreet and cause you no nuisance ...”

  “That wasn’t what I was speaking about. It’s you, Cecilie, I’m concerned about. I just want you to be completely happy at Gabrielshus. You’ve done so much that I ...” Suddenly it dawned on him what she’d just said and his train of thought was interrupted. “Be discreet, did you say? Does that mean to say that you’ve already ... had a lover?”

  She was tired now. “No, Alexander, how on earth could you imagine that?”

  He waited without taking his eyes off her. “Well, we’ll say no more about lovers then,” he said quietly. “But you do have needs, don’t you?”

  Cecilie wriggled uncomfortably in the chair, wishing very much that she could be somewhere else. For his part, Alexander stood resolutely waiting for her response.

  “And if that were the case? If I sometimes have such desires,” she said finally, with taunting bitterness, “what would you do about them?”

  When he replied, his voice was low and gentle. “I could help you.”

  That was too much for her. She dashed out of the chair, rushed into her bedroom and stood in the middle of the floor, trembling from head to toe. She didn’t notice Alexander had followed her until she heard his voice behind her.

  “Please understand, Cecilie. It has taken three weeks for me to pluck up the courage to ask that question.”

  Cecilie nodded her head, waiting for him to continue.

  He ran a distracted hand across his forehead and then said: “I was under the impression ...”

  “Alexander,” she interrupted, “you’ve made me so ashamed of myself!”

  “My dear Cecilie, my question wasn’t meant to make you feel ashamed.”

  “But did you honestly believe that I ... craved any of those men at the ball?”

  “I was afraid that you had.”

  “Oh, Alexander, I thought you knew me better than that.”

  He said very quietly: “I’ve decided to forget what you said to me when you thought I’d die.”

  “Yes, I sincerely hope you have. But even so you offer to help me? You? How can you?”

  “Let’s not dwell on details! I just want to know whether you’ve felt any desire?”

  She swallowed hard and nodded, her head bowed in shame.

  “How? In what way?”

  “Alexander! Are you trying to pry into my private desires?”

  “No, Cecilie dearest. But If I’m to help you then I need to know what it is that you’ve been missing. I’ve no idea how women think, or about their needs, desires and cravings.”

  Cecilie took a deep breath as if she were about to explain but then changed her mind. “No, I can’t expose my feelings to you when you have such distaste for women.”

  “But not for you, Cecilie! To me you’re my friend, a companion. One should have compassion for one’s friends, don’t you agree? Protect them from misfortune?”

  “Yes,” she agreed, but without being convinced.

  He waited while he watched her face expectantly. But when she didn’t continue, he prompted: “Well, then.”

  Cecilie was wrestling with her emotions. Her hands were twisting the folds of her nightdress. Eventually she cleared her throat and spoke.

  “During the night – when we’ve ... gone to our beds ...” she began cautiously, then stopped.

  “Yes?” his kind voice urged her on. “What then?”

  “That’s when I feel a desire ... an emptiness ...”

  He stood silently listening, and moved slightly behind her so that she wouldn’t have to return his gaze.

  “This is when I have a fierce hunger,” she whispered softly.

  “What sort of hunger?”

  She clasped her hands in front of her face. “Don’t ask such foolish questions! My body seems to ache. Is that so difficult to understand?”

  He placed his hands gently on her shoulders.

  “Come, Cecilie.”

  She remained where she was, her face buried in her hands. He bent carefully forward, scooping her up in his arms and carried her to the bed. Cecilie daren’t open her eyes as he put her gently down and stretched out beside her.

  “My dearest Cecilie, just tell me what you want me to do.”

  “I can’t! I don’t know how to.”

  Alexander began to run his fingers very carefully along the collar of her nightdress, loosening the ribbon.

  “Don’t say anything. Simply nod your head if you like what I do.”

  “Alexander, you mustn’t do this if you don’t like it or find that it’s distasteful.”

  “But I don’t find it distasteful – not with you. You’re a very beautiful woman – and I’m interested in the secrets of women. They’re a complete mystery to me.”

  She forced herself to ask the vital question. “But do you – feel nothing yourself?”

  “No, not in the way you mean. But you mustn’t think that I find this unpleasant either! Let’s say I’m curious.” Then he lowered his voice to a whisper. “Does this feel good?” he asked as his hand slipped inside the open front of her nightdress and gently stroked her breast.

  “How can I lie?” she answered breathlessly. “Don’t your fingers tell you that my skin’s shivering?”

  In her mind she was thinking, ‘Oh, what sweet torture is this! Where will this lead? To heaven or to hell?’

  “Yes,” he said calmly. “And how interesting that your breasts change their shape. They get smaller and harder. Why, I wonder?”

  “Maybe they want to be ki ... No! Stop, Alexander. I’m too ashamed and embarrassed! Let’s stop now while we’re still able to!”

  “Were you about to say: ‘They want to be kissed?’ I didn’t know.” And with that, he pulled her nightdress away and leaned across to kiss her now naked breasts, sucking gently at each nipple as he did so.

  Cecilie gasped. “No, Alexander! No more! I want you to stop now!”

  “But you do feel something?”

  “Alexander! Please!”

  “Cecilie, I don’t want you to lie awake at night and suffer just because you’re tied to an oddity like me. You cared for me and did so much while I was sick. Let me now do something that pleases you!”

  She sniffed back a tear and the next moment, without any warning, he placed his hand firmly on her loins, directly touching the most secret part of her. Through the thin material, Cecilie felt at once the fire of his caress and all her passion flowed to that part of her. She was unable to resist and responded by lightly pushing against his hand.

  “No! No!” she moaned. “Go, Alexander, go to your room, please. I feel so ashamed. Please go!”

  He stifled a sigh and removed his hand.

  “If that’s what you want. Forgive me if I behaved in an improper manner. I didn’t intend to hurt you.”

  He got up and left, closing the door behind him, leaving Cecilie outraged, her emotions in turmoil. She turned slowly so that she lay on her stomach, thumping her hand into her pillow, breathing heavily and grieving inside.

  “Oh, Alexander, you beast, you beast!” she wailed.

  She sat up; her legs, pressed tightly together, were dangling over the edge of the bed and her fists were clenched and pressed hard against her chin.

/>   “Oh, dear God,” she whispered to herself. “I can’t stand it any more!” as she held back a sob. “What more am I expected to do?”

  She slipped down from the bed, went to his door and knocked with trembling fingers.

  “Come in!”

  Cecilie opened the door. One candle was burning and by its light she could see him lying in his bed. Unsure of what to do, she remained standing in the doorway while she stared at him. Then, without a word, he moved over to make room for her. She closed her eyes for a moment, then walked swiftly across the floor and almost threw herself into the bed as she was frightened he’d change his mind. After a second or two, Alexander pinched out the candle to spare her any further embarrassment.

  The next moment his hand reached down once again, and she opened her legs for him with a tiny, guarded moan. Alexander’s hand explored a realm that he’d never known before. He moved his fingers gently, oh, so gently, down across her legs before slowly bringing them back again, his fingernails rubbing lightly along the insides of her thighs. Cecilie began to feel she was drowning in her own passion as he, delving ever deeper, moved closer and closer to the centre of her desire.

  Alexander couldn’t help but notice how her body was quivering, and be began to increase the urgency of his movements. “Where?” he whispered. “Cecilie, tell me where?”

  Ashamed of the pleasure she was feeling, Cecilie turned her face away.

  “My dearest Cecilie, we’re still man and wife! Show me, tell me!”

  Taking his hand quickly in hers, she led him to the precise place she longed for him to be. Aah! She knew beyond all doubt that now she was ready for him.

  “It’s not easy for me,” she whispered in his ear, with tears in her eyes. “That you aren’t with me, I mean.”

  “My dearest Cecilie, this is giving me great pleasure,” he breathed. “If this weren’t the case, I wouldn’t have asked you to let me do it. It’s an experience for me as well.”

  Cecilie bit her lip in near despair, struggling both to understand and say nothing at the same time. The movement of his hand was becoming more urgent, and she noticed that he was beginning to breathe more rapidly.

  “Don’t forget that I’ve waited three weeks for this,” he breathed. “When I saw you with other men I realised what you must have missed. But I also realised that I didn’t want you to fall into another man’s embrace.”

  His words brought a dazzling new warmth to her. Was he jealous? It certainly sounded as if he was and she thought she felt her heart skip a beat.

  “At the grand ball, it dawned on me that I couldn’t bear to think of you lying in secret with someone else,” he whispered urgently. “It started to be an agony.”

  ‘Oh! What sweet, sweet words!’ thought Cecilie, and how they brought such great joy to her soul!

  “Relax, Cecilie! Surrender to what you feel – I can tell that you’re holding back somehow ... Yes, just like that.”

  He touched her so gently and tenderly that suddenly she couldn’t resist any longer. She felt herself let go as a wave of pleasure washed over her. She threw her arms around him as he helped her through the tempest of delight.

  She lay, calm and exhausted, her arms covering her hot, crimson cheeks.

  “You were wonderful, Cecilie.” His voice was hoarse. “Good God, you have such passion within you. Will you sleep here with me tonight?”

  “No,” she muttered as she rolled off the bed. Her knees were trembling as she lurched to her room, slammed the door and tumbled back into her own bed where she lay shivering for a long time before finally falling asleep.

  ***

  The next morning she knew it would be awkward seeing Alexander alone in broad daylight. So she delayed the inevitable for as long as she could, washing very slowly and elaborately putting up her hair. She deliberately asked a maid to bring breakfast to her room, but she found she could hardly eat anything. She’d lost much of her appetite through the emotion of the night. When she couldn’t postpone it any longer, she dressed quickly and left her bedroom, unsure of what to say or do.

  Alexander was waiting in the splendid drawing room where everything was still as it was before she’d arrived at Gabrielshus. Cecilie hadn’t wanted to change the style of this room by adding things that showed her own taste. Nevertheless, she’d made her mark discreetly but unmistakably in other parts of the house. But she’d always sought Alexander’s advice first and waited for his approval.

  “Good morning,” she muttered when she saw him, trying to hurry blindly past him into the next room.

  But he moved with surprising speed and gripped her arm. “Cecilie dearest, you’ve nothing to blame yourself for,” he said as he lowered his voice on catching sight of a housemaid, who was sweeping the floor in the hall. “Are you angry with me?”

  She shook her head. “Only with myself.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I behaved in an unseemly manner.”

  His eyes were smiling. “There are times when seemliness is foolish. May I ask you to do me a favour?”

  “What is it?” she said anxiously.

  “Tell me when you want me again!”

  She looked shamefully at him. “Do you want to relive the misery?”

  “It wasn’t misery. Not at all. It was the most wonderful experience for me. What do you say?”

  “I’ll let you know,” she mumbled, for no other reason than to end the conversation – and then hurried away to keep to herself for the rest of the day.

  ***

  A game of chess later in the evening restored the balance between them, and Cecilie was able to smile and be her natural self once again. During the day, she’d made up her mind to forget the whole embarrassing episode once and for all and not to refer to it again.

  But she discovered that it wasn’t going to be easy. Her days were busy and as the mistress of a large estate, she had many things to think about and a wide variety of duties to perform. But at night, when in her dreams she could sense his closeness, feel his gentle hands and touch his warm skin – that was different.

  Sometimes late in the evening before she slept, she would remember how she’d gone to his door, her heart thumping and she’d recall the look in his eyes as he gazed across the room at her – and how it had all begun in her room when he discovered that he could arouse her with his tentative kisses.

  But she was still astonished when three weeks later she woke up from a light sleep to find Alexander standing by her bedside. A candle he’d brought with him was flickering on the table.

  “You never came to me,” he said, smiling a little uncertainly. “I’ve been wondering why.”

  “No, I...” She half turned her head, not wanting him to see the true answer in her eyes.

  “May I?” he gestured towards the bed.

  She nodded and started to whisper, “Of course,” but her voice had deserted her.

  “So you haven’t yearned for a man again since I was with you?”

  “You know the answer to that, Alexander!” she replied in a firm voice. “You know very well.”

  “No, I don’t. Night after night I’ve waited for you because I thought we’d experienced something wonderful the last time we were together. I watched a dull ember burn brighter and brighter until it became an inferno of passion. But you never came, and I was disappointed. I thought you were still upset about my behaviour.”

  “I’m not angry with you at all, Alexander,” she told him more evenly. “On the contrary! But it’s an unfair union – you’re a cold and dispassionate observer while my innermost feelings are laid bare.”

  “For heaven’s sake, Cecilie, I’m not dispassionate! What makes you think that? Please give me the chance to bring you pleasure once more.”

  She put her head on his chest but said nothing.

  “Dearest Cecilie, I’m the one w
ho should feel ashamed – because I’m inadequate. You’re alive, warm and beautiful in your desire. Or has that flame now died again – maybe forever?”

  She didn’t answer him because those gentle, tender hands were there again and her yearning to re-live the wild, uncontrollable passion was so strong that this time she surrendered to him at once. She gasped and moaned, pressing herself against his hand, rubbing her knee up and down against his thigh in painfully slow, nervous movements. She groaned aloud as every muscle in her body stiffened.

  Alexander knew that her pleasure was almost at its peak as he provoked and tormented her urgent desire – but he wasn’t prepared for the sudden violence that exploded as her passion reached its zenith. He’d always thought her to have a cool, reserved manner even though she could be impulsive at times, but in the throes of passion’s fulfilment she abandoned herself shamelessly to her own inner nature and that of her kin.

  Later, when her moment had passed and she was calmer again, he put his arms around her to try and stop her from feeling ashamed.

  “Thank you, my dear,” he whispered gently in her ear. “Would you like me to stay with you tonight?”

  It was a voice she hardly recognised because of its tenderness but with a shake of her head, she again refused him permission. But this time she lay for a while, unmoving, in his arms before she indicated that it was time for him to leave her. Alexander kissed her tenderly on the forehead and eased himself out of her bed.

  He doesn’t understand why I ask him to go, she reflected. He doesn’t realise how hard it is not to be able to give him the small, impulsive, tender caresses that are the sign of a deep mutual trust, respect – and love. Though she couldn’t be anything but grateful to him; after all he was giving her all he was capable of.

  Two evenings later, she astonished him when she appeared in the doorway to his room, holding a large glowing candelabra in her hand.

  “May I come in?” she asked very softly.

  “Well, of course!”

  When she’d snuggled down beside him, she whispered: “You probably think that I’m in urgent need of a man?”