Shattered Puppet (Rag Doll)

by Catori, Ava

  She was tired. Was this how she’d live the rest of her life? Would there be more? She dared to dream for just a moment, and then chased a fragment of hope away. It was too painful to think of what could have been if her life had been normal.

  Now she was damaged good, worn out, had no future, and no clue how to make things better.

  And this guy? Where did he come from? She missed her hot water and her room. She wouldn’t be bullied. That’s it, she’s taking her space back. She’ll ask for a room change, the guy will never know. How did he find her? How did he know she’d been in contact with Crystal? Who is he?

  Cree’s self-judgment was harsher than anybody else’s would be. She knew she was going nowhere fast. The question was how much longer could she live this way? Or even live at all. What was the point? Sometimes she wondered why she continued to suffer in silence.

  Depression spiraled around her. It was a familiar feeling of unworthiness, drowning, taking her down and pushing her under. She was tired. So tired. Could she get out? Could she start over? Kendle did.

  With a deep sigh, Cree slid down the embankment and started back to the hotel. She looked worse for the wear, barely having cleaned up or changed clothing. She only grabbed what she could carry in a small bag, expecting to go back. She just thought she’d go back sooner.

  Walking down the highway, down the roads, cars whizzing by, she finally came to the hotel. She slipped in a side entrance, using her key for admittance, and quickly climbed the stairs. Peeking around the door, she made sure nobody was in the hallway. He wasn’t there. That was all she cared about. Tip-toeing, she found her way back to her room. What she didn’t expect was to see him rummaging through her things.

  “What are you doing?” She demanded on walking in and seeing Carter in her room. “And how did you get in here?”

  Carter spun around. “You’re back,” was all he said. No explanation. “I almost had to give up on you. What took you so long?”

  “Get out of my room.” Her lock. It meant nothing to her now. She felt invaded, vulnerable.

  “Right,” he said, barely budging. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “By going through my things? You’re in my room. What is your problem? I’m going to report you…”

  “Tell me about your sister, Kendle.” Was his only response.

  Cree froze. “How do you know her name?” Her eyebrow arched. She wasn’t certain if she was more curious or frightened of him knowing.

  Cree sat. She didn’t have the energy for this. “I’m leaving. I won’t be back. If you follow me, I’ll go straight to the police station and report you for harassing and stalking me.” She glared and him and walked to the nightstand beside the bed. Flipping through the book, she scanned for the picture…furious, she turned to Carter. “Give it back! It’s all I have.”

  Carter stood. “Here,” he said pulling it from his pocket. “It’s yours. Tell me about your sister.”

  “I don’t know who you are, or what scary stuff you’re into, but you’ve broken enough laws already to land you in jail. I suggest you leave and pretend like you never met me. I know people.” Her voice climbed with each sentence. But she couldn’t hide the shake in her voice.

  He laughed. “You think I’m afraid of your people? My people eat your people for breakfast.” And on a side note, he added, “And if I don’t find Crystal, they’ll eat me too, okay?” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “They aren’t fooling around. I’m in trouble. I need to find the girl.”

  This was a new angle. She sensed for the first time he was telling the truth. “What did you do? And what does Crystal have to do with any of this?”

  Carter looked away. “I’m running out of time, okay? I just need to find her.” It was none of her business what he got himself into.

  “Now we’re getting somewhere,” Cree said. She wanted to turn the tables, learn more.

  Carter exhaled deeply and spun on his heel. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry I went about this the wrong way. I’m sorry I lied. I’m scared, alright? I’m freaking scared. I need to find the girl, or I’m in some serious trouble. I don’t even know who she is. I just know she means something to the person looking for her and she disappeared. My finding her clears me. I owed them something.” He hated to spill his truth, but he had no other choice. If he didn’t find the girl, he was afraid of what might happen to him.

  Cree watched him move. The once confident walk, the light in his eyes; now his shoulders hunched forward like a burdened man and his eyes had burned to dark. Something was different. He smelled of desperation, something she knew well.

  “And I should care because…” she trailed off. She wanted to feel superior, but honestly she just wanted him out.

  Carter dropped his head into his hands. “They’re bad news. It’s not like I can just disappear.”

  Cree watched him speak. His entire demeanor changed.

  “They’re involved in some crappy stuff. It’s not like I chose this life, I was born into it.” He got up and paced. “Listen. I know you don’t know me or even care what my problems are, but if you have any shred of decency, can you just send me in the right direction? My life depends on it.”

  “Does hers?” Crystal was her friend. She wouldn’t out her.

  “I don’t know what he wants from her, but they’re caught up in some bad stuff.” Carter shook his head. He didn’t even know why he bothered to tell her any of this.

  Cree turned away. “I don’t have many friends. She trusts me. I’m sorry. If you could leave now, I’d appreciate it.” Her voice softened.

  “I get it.” He left the room, his tail between his legs, and on exiting he turned one last time. “They’re going to hurt me, I think.” There was something in his eyes, fear.

  Cree stared at the man; a shell of existence was all that was left. How had he changed this much in only a few days?

  “I don’t know where she is right now. Sometimes you can find her on Twelfth and Elm.” She hated herself for sending him on a wild goose chase. Maybe if she gave him a shred of hope…and she’d have time to leave before he came back…it wasn’t the right thing to do, but it’s all she had left, the drive to save her own skin.

  Carter looked at the girl. “Now you’re lying.” He turned and walked away.

  “Carter,” she called out.

  As he spun to look at her, she lowered her head. “Good luck, okay. I can’t help you, but I don’t want you to get hurt either. I know what that’s like, and it’s not any fun.”

  He nodded and let himself back into his own room.

  Maybe she didn’t need to leave after all.

  Tossing the covers off, fighting the nightmare, Cree climbed out of bed. Would they ever go away? Shifting through the change on her dresser, she pulled out enough to grab a drink from the vending machine down the hallway. Peering out the peep hole, she saw the hallway was clear. The less people she ran into, the better.

  Cree crept quietly down the hallway and plucked the coins into the slot. Pressing the button, a carbonated beverage rolled out of the dispenser. Slipping down the hallway, she scanned over her shoulder, always aware. She kept waiting for Carter to stick his head out, but he never did. Did she want him to? Or did she want him gone?

  At first all she wanted was for him to leave, and yet seeing him again…he felt familiar, even though he invaded her space. She was angry at first, but then she recognized herself in his eyes, his desperation. Something touched her. Something she hadn’t felt in a very long time, empathy. She cared, even if it was just for a second. She hadn’t cared about anything or anyone in ages. To feel something, anything, other than resentment and fear meant something. It had to, right?

  Cree curled up into a ball and rested her head on her arm. The chair was square and stiff, not like comfortable furniture you’d find in someone’s home. This was meant to last and look decent for a long time. It wasn’t meant to sink into, to leisure on, to read a book in and get lost. It was still softer
than the pavement. A bed, a chair…she didn’t know how much she missed them until she had them back.

  What was going on with Carter? Not that she cared, but there was something going on there. He obviously had some backstory of his own.

  Cree picked up the hotel phone and dialed her sister’s number.

  “Hey,” she greeted on hearing her sister’s voice.

  “Hey, how are you doing?” Cree asked.

  “Good. We’re taking things slowly on the possible career thing, and getting to know each other.”

  “That sounds smart.” Cree said agreeing.

  “What’s going on?”

  “There’s this guy.” Should she even be telling her this?

  “A guy?” Kendle’s curiosity peaked.

  “It’s not like that.” She was quick to shut her down. No need her thinking this is anything like that.

  “What is it like?”

  “I don’t know. He wants information from me. He’s poking around about Crystal. He says he’s in trouble, but she may be too. I told him I couldn’t tell him anything.” Cree was frustrated with the entire situation.

  “Good, watch your back.” She was worried on hearing somebody was poking around.

  “Yeah. Kendle?”

  “Huh?”

  “I’m confused about some stuff.” Cree was hesitant to say much more.

  “Like what?” She wanted to help her sister anyway she could.

  “I’m angry at this guy for being in my personal space, but when I saw this look in his eyes, I wanted to help him. I didn’t. He’s staying across the hall from me. I think he tracked me down. He got my name from somebody.”

  “Weird. Are you okay? Do you want me to come get you?” Kendle was getting more concerned. Where did he get Cree’s name and what had Crystal gotten herself into now?

  “I’m fine. I don’t know what I want. I’m just tired, you know?” Her voice trailed off.

  “I know.” She wished her sister would think about a different job. At least she was living inside again.

  “I’m going to go to sleep. I think I want to breathe again.”

  “Cree, that’s wonderful. When you’re ready…”

  “Not yet, okay? I’m getting there.” She didn’t want to be rushed.

  Hanging up the phone, she set her head on her arm again. She missed friends. She missed life. When she was younger, she’d have sleepovers with friends and go skating and play ball and go to dances at school. Now all that was left was day after day, trying to breathe. Only every time she tried, it felt like she was suffocating. Suffocating felt normal anymore. It didn’t even feel bad. It just felt vacant, like she was inside.

  For the first time in a long time she didn’t want to suffocate.

  Chapter 6

  Kendle wasn’t ready to tell her sister. She knew she’d have to eventually. Graham offered to hire a lawyer. They could go after their father and finally put him away. She knew Cree wanted to hide from the past, but Kendle wanted to drop the weight off her shoulders. Her father belonged in jail, and with Graham’s lawyer she would be able to go about it the right way.

  She could do it without Cree, but the case would be stronger, and his jail term might be longer if she cooperated. It’s not like Kendle wanted to rehash the past. She didn’t want to relive the nightmare, but maybe if they locked him away, there would finally be a sense of relief and justice.

  She’d have to tell her soon. Kendle was meeting with the lawyer the following week. With Graham by her side, she finally felt like she could tackle the monster that’s been haunting her for so long.

  Chapter 7

  Carter rolled over and hit the off button on the alarm clock. What he wanted more than anything was to hit the snooze bar, but he had work to do. He’d give it one last shot tonight. If he couldn’t get any information, he’d move on.

  Carter’s stomach knotted thinking about his lack of action so far. Without the girl, everything still sat heavily on his shoulders. The money, his uncle, the rest of his life… If he was lucky, he’d end up with broken kneecaps and out a lot of cash. If he wasn’t so lucky, he might disappear. He was a realist. No point in lying to himself. He knew what the family business was about. He never wanted to be in it and just worked at one of the laundering places, but he knew about the darker side and the drugs they moved.

  Cart sat up and rested on the edge of the bed for a few minutes. It was the middle of the night. He’d normally be sleeping, but the dingy, seedy time of night were the prime working hours for Cree. Drunks would be stumbling out of bars, lonely guys would pay for some action, and shady people would slip a girl a few bucks and never tell their wife or girlfriend what they did.

  Carter stood and pulled on his jeans. Taking a big stretch, he stopped before the mirror. What happened to his innocence? What happened to his integrity? Where was the moment he thought it was okay to skim off the top? That single moment, that single bad choice was unraveling. Now he was left to pick up the pieces. He had nobody to blame but himself.

  He had to face his fears. If he didn’t find the girl, he’d have to go back empty handed. He could run, but what was the point. If he wanted to straighten out his life, he’d have to stand up to what he’d done. He’d need to pay it back and get on with his life. It would ruin him financially, but the money was never his to start with. He could leave town, but not until he cleared his name.

  It was time to be a man. He’d already taken the easy way out, taking something that wasn’t his to get ahead. That got him nowhere fast. At first it was a rush, a thrill to score the extra money unnoticed. Then it became greed. Only he was noticed. They let him get in deep enough that he couldn’t get out. When his uncle clued him in, it was too late.

  One last stop. One last visit. Pulling up alongside Fifth and Main, he called her over.

  Cree looked toward Carter’s car. Great. It was him again. What now?

  “Hey. I’m leaving. I was going to ask you again, but I think I just need to face the fire. I’m sorry for harassing you.” He was genuinely sorry. He felt like a dick. When it came down to it, he did things he wasn’t proud of.

  She didn’t know what he expected her to say. But the tiniest bit inside of her wasn’t ready to never see him again. She wasn’t even sure where that came from. It’s not like he was nice to her. It’s not like he was suave and sweet talking. It’s that she recognized herself in his eyes…when he let the desperation show. She understood. She knew desperation.

  “Aren’t you going to offer me dinner first?” She asked with a shrug.

  He laughed sarcastically. “Yeah, sorry about that.” He thought she was joking.

  “There’s a diner two blocks from here.” She noted.

  “You’re serious?” How could she be serious? As much as I badgered her, and she told to leave her alone…she’s serious?

  “Sure, why not. I’m not seeing much action out here tonight anyway.” What was this? What was the point?

  “Umm, okay?” He didn’t seem sure about this.

  Whether he offered good attention or bad attention, she rarely wanted either. And being treated well wasn’t something she was used to. Healthy relationships were never a part of her life. And yet…she didn’t want him to leave. Not yet. She had no clue why. In fact, her reaction was a surprise. She figured hearing he was leaving would be great news. No more finding him in her room, no more knocking at her door, no more lies, no more hostility…and yet something clawed her insides. Don’t go.

  Cree got in the car and pointed. “Two blocks up that way. There’s a lot to park in the back.”

  “You really want to do this?” He double checked. He still didn’t believe her.

  “I have nothing else going on.” She looked out the window.

  “You aren’t my biggest fan. What’s going on?” He quizzed.

  “I figured you could tell me more of your story. You owe me at least that…”

  “Oh. Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it. Do you want to
tell me your story?” He responded.

  “No.” She got it. Both of them had secrets.

  “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.” He rubbed his temples, frustrated.

  “Whatever.” She got out of the car.

  “Wait.” He called her back. “Let’s go get a bite to eat.”

  Cree stared at Carter, thinking. Maybe he was right. There was no point. “I’m going to pass.”

  Carter got out of his car. “Cree?”

  She turned around. “What?”

  “Let’s go get some dinner.” He looked sincere enough.

  She shrugged. “Suit yourself.” She turned around and got back in his car.

  What was this push and pull? There was something pulling them together as much as pushing them apart.

  Carter drove the two blocks and pulled around the back of the diner. Getting out, he waited for Cree to join him. They walked in silence. She wondered if this was a mistake. She had nothing to say. She wasn’t even sure why she was here.

  “Do you ever want more?” She asked.

  “More what?”

  “More out of life…” she trailed off.

  “More is what got me in trouble.” Wasn’t that the truth? His greed is what got him here.

  The couple was seated at a corner booth. Ordering a couple of drinks, they perused the menu. Cree got a BLT wrap with fries and Carter ordered a burger slathered with barbecue sauce and onion straws. Sitting picking at the food, the conversation barely moved.

  Carter cleared his throat. “Why did you want dinner?”

  “I don’t know.” She truly didn’t know.

  “Was it about the food or talking to me?” Carter was curious. It was an odd turnaround from the last few days.

  “I can afford to pay for my own food.” She sniped at him, offended.

  “I didn’t mean it that way. Then it’s not about the food. You’re not exactly my biggest fan. Why did you want to talk to me?”