Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  “Daddy!” I don’t mean to panic as a man gets out of the bus.

  “Everything will be okay, Jasper. Ethan will find you! Look for Chance. Look for your mother. You’re as strong as your mother. You need to get out,” Dad whispers urgently, as a man dressed neatly in a pale yellow suit walks toward to us. The yellow of his clothes clashes with his red hair.

  “Jasper Matthias.” He says my name, not making any eye contact. He holds a device out to me. It has no keypad, only a screen with three circles at the top. “Press your thumb to the scanner, please.”

  I remember this from when they came for Mom. She didn’t press her thumb to the scanner. She shoved the man and ran. She didn’t get far before they caught her. I don’t know why she did that, if she knew they would ban her.

  I tighten my grip on Dad’s hand and lift my other to the device. As I press my thumb to the scanner, I wish I could stop the slight tremor so clearly visible to everyone. Nothing happens and for a second I hope they’ve made a mistake. The man takes my hand and presses my thumb harder down, so hard my thumb cramps. He rolls it over from left to right. The device beeps and the first light glows yellow, the second glows yellow again. I don’t know what it means. The third glows bright blue and a name and face appear on the screen. Shock vibrates through me - it’s my name, it’s my face.

  “Proceed to the vehicle, please.” The man steps aside and waits for me to walk.

  Dad hugs me, a quick, stiff hug. It’s not how I imagined a hug would be. But it’s our last moment together and I try to take in everything about him. I smell the familiar smell of sanitizing spray that always clings to him. I take in a deep breath and try to imprint his smell to my memory as best I can. My throat tightens and my eyes burn. I’m not courageous, I’m scared.

  “Remember what I said. You will make it,” Dad whispers.

  Tears well up in my eyes and I blink them away. I want to be strong for Dad. I want to be Virtuous, only I can’t find those traits in my heart. I’m my mother’s daughter after all. I want to run like she did. I want to be selfish and stay with Dad.

  The walk to the bus is a daunting one. Every step I take is taking me further away from home and closer to the bus, the very thing that will take me away. My legs feel heavy, as if my body is nothing more than dead weight - no longer youthful and supple - a woman in the making. I feel as if I’ve lost something precious this morning, my hope of a future that might have been.

  The metal of the door is cold as I take hold of it to steady myself, boarding the bus. It looks much the same as the ones used for transport in the metropolis and neighborhoods. Only, this one has the blue and yellow lights at the top for in case of an emergency.

  I recognize the guy already sitting in the back. He’s in my class, and unfortunately we share the same name. It’s because of him everyone calls me Jai, except for Dad.

  When I start towards him, Jasper Thomas looks relieved to see me. I shake my hands out and concentrate hard so I won’t show him I’m just as scared as he is. I take the seat in front of him. We have been taught to not intermingle with men from a young age, to protect our virtue and keep ourselves pure for the one we will marry. If we fail at this, the most important virtue of all, Chastity, you are of course banished. To be banished and to be called an impure, that must be awful.

  “Just the two of us so far.” He never talks to me unless he really has to, either. He must really be nervous, and it makes me more nervous. I wish he would rather keep quiet.

  I scoot over to the window. Taking the window seat keeps me from sitting between people, but it will only be the seven of us today so I guess it doesn’t really matter where I sit.

  Families turn and go back into their houses as we drive past them, lucky to be left untouched. They’ll go have breakfast now. They’ll go to school and work. I wonder if Dad is fixing himself some oats. I won’t look around to see if he’s still standing there.

  ‘It’s not a Virtuous thought,’ I reprimand myself. I must have courage, as per the virtue, Humility. I must sacrifice off myself, as per Charity. I straighten up and lift my chin.

  We stop and I can’t keep from looking at the family hugging each other outside their house. A house just like all the others.

  Our Ecocity was cleaned up after the Fifth World War. With the last war everything was destroyed. I was one of the lucky ones, not to have been born yet. But from what I’ve heard in my History class it was a brutal war where only a few survived. From what I understand no one won, and too many died. Mankind was almost driven to a point of extinction, the animals and most of the vegetation, plants and trees weren’t that fortunate – they were all destroyed. All that remained was their DNA some scientist had managed to keep in a secure location from the Dissolute. That location is now the laboratories where my father works, at the heart of our Ecocity, close to where I’ll be going to be blessed.

  Sometimes I get the feeling everything is just too … much, too perfect. It’s a bubble waiting to be popped. The way this family’s bubble has just been popped, just like mine was popped. They hug, they kiss, they say their farewell.

  “Mr. Demetrius. It’s Mr. Demetrius!” Jasper’s voice cracks. I think a part of my heart is breaking as well, as I watch our science teacher start toward the bus.

  I watch his wife hold their two children. It’s not right that Mr. Demetrius has been chosen, he has a family to take care of.

  He offers us a tight smile as he comes aboard the bus and I try to give him one back, but I think I fail, because he squeezes my shoulder and then scoots into the seat next to Jasper.

  “I’m not ready to die.” Jasper’s words come out in a rush. He is breathing so fast it sounds like he’s been running.

  It’s not something I’m good at, physical exercises. We only had the class once a week when I was still in school, luckily for me. Since I’ve been in college the only exercise I get in is when I walk to and from my classes.

  “We’re not going to die, Jasper. The Dissolute aren’t barbaric. We have been honored by being chosen.” I don’t turn around in my seat to look at Mr. Demetrius, as he speaks words of comfort to Jasper.

  I haven’t thought about death, only finding Mom, should I ever get the opportunity to go. I haven’t thought at all about what lies behind the boundary marker of the dome.

  “Why have none of the others returned?” Jasper asks the question I thought of quite often since Mom was banished.

  In my heart I never really thought the day would come that I would be chosen. I didn’t even feed the glofish this morning.

  “Because they are still spreading the news.” I wonder if Mr. Demetrius truly believes what he is saying.

  We stop again. I know this house. Ruth Hosea lives here. She’s a year younger than me. I know this, because we sometimes walk home together. I look down at my hands. I know if I see her crying, I will cry too. I hear her come onto the bus and I hear her go to Mr. Demetrius. That’s good. I only have strength for myself right now.

  I don’t look up to see who the last three people are. I keep my eyes on my hands. But, we don’t stop – we collect more people. One of them sits down next to me. I scoot as close to the window as I can. My knuckles are starting to show white as I clench my hands tightly into fists on my lap. I don’t understand why there’s more than seven and I grow more anxious each time the bus stops.

  The metropolis area of our Ecocity rises high into the sky in some places. There are smaller concrete buildings, the older ones that weren’t broken down and replaced with the new shiny skyscrapers. The solar windows reflects green and blue all around the metropolis.

  There are seven billboards up across the metropolis, each show a virtue. They convert the atmospheric humidity into water, because the one river we have running through our Ecocity isn’t nearly enough to provide for our needs.

  It only rains once a year, a sheet of ice that freezes everything. We can’t go outside for a week, but when the ice melts the water runs into the canals, wh
ich feed the reservoir for storage.

  The Ecopark is also known as the beehive, it’s where the Curing Centre, the Genetics Labs and the Haven is, that’s where the Emissaries are. That’s where we are going now, to be blessed. I don’t want to be blessed, I want to go home.

  The bus stops right outside the Haven. “This way please.” The man with the red hair stands by the door and I hear him, but my legs won’t move.

  “Come.” I glance up at the person nudging me along. Ethan. I don’t remember his last name. Dad spoke highly of Ethan. Dad said that if Ethan kept up his grades he would be joining the team of engineers. He is attractive in a boyish way, with his blue eyes and dark brown hair. He could’ve made some girl happy. I guess that won’t be happening anymore. Just like mine, his life changed today.

  Ethan! ‘Ethan will find you.’ Dad’s words ring in my ears as if he’d just spoken them again. I was so stunned when they came for me I didn’t quite take in what he was saying.

  For a second I stand staring at Ethan, and he might start getting the impression that I’m staring for the wrong reason, when I finally get over the shock. I let out a slow breath and brush past him. His hand wraps around my arm, holding me back. My heart starts to beat faster and I can feel the flush creeping up my neck.

  It’s just my luck, the first time a guy touches me will be the day I’m chosen to become a Crusader! I let out a shaky breath. I need to control my emotions better. I mean, come on, he’s just holding my arm. Mr. Demetrius, Jasper and Ruth brush past us. I can’t look at them, I’m too embarrassed by Ethan touching me. Should I even allow him to touch me publicly? Then again, what can they do? Throw me out? I’ll be leaving the Ecocity in a few hours anyway.

  “Just stay with me. Whatever happens from here on out don’t leave my side,” Ethan whispers urgently, bringing my internal babbling to a screeching halt.

  My eyes dart up to him, but he’s looking out the window. He nudges at my back, for me to move forward. Oh gosh, now he’s touching my back! I walk faster, putting some distance between us. Climbing out of the bus, a nervous tension flows through me as the crowd gathers together. I forget about Ethan touching me and do what he says, I stay next to him. I can’t stand the thought of being alone right now and Ethan is a link to Dad.

  We all wait for the man to lead the way. The Haven looks so much bigger today, its shadow looming over us. I shiver and take another step closer to Ethan. We all bundle into the impressive lobby. The floor tiles gleam our reflections back at us, and our footsteps echo, as if it’s mocking us with a fake applause for being chosen. The red haired man presses the button for the elevator.

  How many people can fit in an elevator? A fresh wave of panic washes over me. I don’t like confined spaces. I can feel the air already whooshing from my lungs at the thought of being stuck in such a small space, crammed in between all these people.

  “Excuse me,” my voice is a hesitant whisper, “can I take the stairs? I have a fear of confined spaces.” So much for being brave! I can’t believe I just said that to the man! Apparently my fear for confined spaces is bigger than my fear of talking to him.

  “I’ll walk with her, Aaron,” Ethan says.

  Ethan knows the man?

  “Seventh floor,” the man, Aaron permits us to go.

  Ethan takes big steps and I have to walk fast to keep up with him. We climb the first flight of stairs in silence before he starts to talk. “Aaron is with us, but don’t look at him. He programmed us into the system to be chosen.”

  I stop climbing the stairs, too stunned to move. Why would someone willingly want to go? But, I don’t ask him that. I’m at a loss for words. I’m staring at him again. When I realize my mouth is hanging open, I snap it shut.

  “Move, Jai!” He comes back and takes hold of my arm, pulling at me to follow him. I move, because I’ll fall if I don’t. My eyes jump between the stairs and his hand, wrapped around my arm. “You need to keep calm. You can’t freeze up on me. Your father said you would be able to handle this!”

  Handle what? But again I ask nothing and climb faster to stay next to him.

  “I can.” It’s all I manage to squeeze out. Can I really handle this? Whatever this is?

  “After the Emissaries say their thing and we get our packs just stick with me. Before the boundary marker we’re going to split from the group. My brother will get us on the other side.” He sounds too calm. I don’t feel calm, especially not with all the touching going on. I want to run home and hide in my bed. I’m a coward.

  The realization hits hard and I duck my head so Ethan won’t see it on my face. I’m a coward. I’m not courageous at all. I want to go home. I swallow hard on the lump in my throat, but it bounces back, bigger, pushing up to my eyes. Sixth floor. We have one more flight of stairs to go.

  “Why?” The word bursts from my mouth. Why not do as we’re told. I’m too scared to go against the Virtuous.

  “There is no spreading the word on the other side, only death.” Ethan holds me back, or up. I’m not sure if my legs are tired from the stairs, or numb from the shock. “I can’t explain it now, but if you want to make it out alive, you have to trust me.”

  I think again of what my dad said. “Ethan will find you. Look for Chance. Look for your mom.” Didn’t he perhaps mean I should give Ethan a chance? I try to remember Dad’s exact words but right now everything is a blur.

  A cold fear washes over me and this time I’m grateful when Ethan takes hold of my hand. I need to hold onto something. He’s my only chance at survival and I don’t want to die.

  ~*~

  “…every year seven Courageous Crusaders are chosen to go outside the boundary marker. They offer up peace and freedom to spread the word and ways of the Virtuous. This year we are tripling our blessing to the Dissolute in the hopes that the word might be spread faster. Be Blessed.” Everyone in the room, except for Ethan and me, repeat the words ‘Be Blessed’.

  I don’t feel very blessed right now, as I look at the other nineteen people. Besides the three older men and Mr. Demetrius, there are two other guys from my class standing with Jasper, five of the chosen are younger boys, and then there are the six other men that are easily in their early twenties. Then there is Ruth and me, and Ethan. We are all young, but besides Ruth and me there are no other women.

  Now that Ethan told me, I know why I’m here, but I don’t understand why Ruth has been selected. She’s not strong. She’s very pretty but not strong. Her face is still blotched red from crying. She’s actually one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen, with her black hair and bright blue eyes. She shouldn’t be here, she should be at school.

  The Emissaries are seated at a table, shaped in a semi-circle. Each one has a flag hanging above their heads. We can’t see the virtues in yellow writing on the blue flags. I think that kind of defeats the purpose of having them up there.

  “Blessed be your journey. Blessed be you all.” Emissary John closes with the usual greeting. He is the Emissary of the virtue, Chastity.

  “Blessed be.” The murmur goes through the room and before I can bring myself to open my mouth, it’s quiet again.

  We follow Aaron to another room where there are three tables. One holds silver square packets, another holds the blue first aid kits I recognize from class, and the last table is covered with bags. To my left I see clothes in different sizes. It’s all black and I can’t stop staring at the clothes. It’s the first time ever that I’ve seen black clothes.

  “Get your size, get dressed quickly. Move it,” Ethan whispers. He moves to the larger sizes and I move down the line to the smaller ones.

  “If you haven’t’ figured it out yet, get a set of clothes that will fit you. It will be best if you blend in on the other side,” Aaron gives the instruction as I grab my size and follow Ethan to the dressing rooms. Everyone rushes for the clothes and I’m relieved to be out of the way.

  The clothes are plain; a black t-shirt that has no collar, black jeans and not surpri
sing, a black jacket. The Dissolute must hate color.

  I dress quickly and tuck my mother’s photo in the back pocket of my jeans. There’s a tight pull in my chest as I bundle my clothes together and walk out to the front.

  “Um … what should I do with these?” I look to Aaron, holding my clothes tightly. It’s the last items I have that are my own, and I hope we get to take it with us.

  “Throw it in there.”

  He looks up from a clipboard and points to a bin with a pen. A pile of clothes lies at the bottom of the bin, and I hesitate.

  “Just throw it in. You won’t need it where we’re going. Here’s your bag. I packed your portion of food and a first aid kit,” Ethan says, as if none of this matters to him. How can this be so easy for him?

  I throw in the clothes and watch my shirt land at the bottom. I didn’t even get to wear it a full day. I take the backpack from Ethan and shrug it on. He reaches for my hair, but stops an inch from touching me. I freeze, and stare at him. He looks handsome in the black clothes, it suits him. I flush at the direction my thoughts are heading in and drop my eyes to the floor, scared that he might be able to see what I’m thinking.

  “You’ll have to take those clips out of your hair. They don’t have luxuries like hairclips where we’re going.”

  My eyes dart back up as he mentions my mother’s clips. It’s all I have of my mother now, the clips and the photo. How can Ethan be so calm about all of this? He draws his hand back and starts to adjust the straps on his backpack. I stand, watching him. I’m sad to be leaving the only place that’s ever been my home. Fear knots in my stomach. I wish I could be as calm as Ethan is.

  “Oh.” It’s a lame word, but it’s all I can manage. He must think I’m an idiot!

  I take out the clips and tuck them in the jacket’s pocket, hoping he doesn’t tell me to throw them in the bin. I untie and smooth my hair out, and then retie it again.

  “Listen up,” Aaron calls out. Everyone is dressed in black now. The color doesn’t suit Ruth’s small posture, and it makes Mr. Demetrius look older. “Once you are on the other side of the boundary marker don’t forget why you are there. Be the Courageous Crusaders you have been chosen to be. Spread the word and recruit people to be Virtuous.” Not once does Aaron make eye contact with anyone.