Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  “Don’t mention it. Your dad asked us to help break you out and now he’ll help us.” The word ‘break’ sticks to me like the word ‘dead’ did.

  “My dad arranged for all of this?” My throat feels even drier now.

  “The way we see it, it’s a win-win situation. He has been helping us and with us getting you out, he’ll continue to help.”

  “Get me out?” I squeak. Now is not the time to squeak!

  “This way. Quick,” Chance barks the orders at us.

  Ethan lets go of my hand and darts forward. I have no choice but to follow. All my questions will have to wait. At the entrance of the building we all duck down and follow Chance out, keeping to the dark shadows against the walls.

  I want to know why Dad wanted me out but for now I have to wait. I have to believe it’s because Dad wanted me to find Mom, but then why didn’t he tell me anything before? Why didn’t he trust me?

  We reach an intersection and Chance indicates for us to stop. “See that flickering light over there?” he whispers.

  For a moment I have to focus on where we are and what we’re doing. I see the light he’s pointing at, further down the street. On the opposite side of the street a department store’s window is gone, and there are people standing around a fire, their shadows cast wide against the walls.

  “Trackers,” he whispers.

  The hair on my body rises at hearing the word. A weird numbness spreads over my tongue and through my throat. All I can see of them are their huge dancing shadows.

  “There’s no other way?” The panic is back in Ethan’s voice, and this time I feel it in more than just my stomach. My body is tense to the point where my muscles start to tremble and ache.

  “The subway track is two buildings down, just two. We can sprint it.” I want to scream at Chance that I’m not that fast but my jaws are clenched shut with fear.

  My hands are fisted against my legs and I only realize how tightly I’m holding them when Chance reaches back for me, pulling me to the front. I unclench my fingers as he takes hold of my hand, lacing our fingers. I glance down at our hands, and I feel him squeeze my hand lightly. When I look up again his face is set in a scowl, his eyes locked on the Trackers across the street.

  “We have the upper hand. They don’t know we’re here. Let your fear drive you. Don’t panic. If you panic, you are dead. I won’t stop for you. I can’t come back for you.” His words are clipped.

  I swallow; it’s all I can do. I’m too scared to do anything else.

  “On three we run. One,” I feel his voice vibrating deep in my chest, “two,” my eyes zoom in on only Chance, “three.” I thrust myself forward as if I am launching myself off a rooftop.

  I keep up with Chance until something pings to the side of us in the street. It sends shards of concrete up. Chance’s fingers wrap tighter around mine, and he yanks me forward. I thought I was scared before, but when there is another ping somewhere behind me, terror explodes in my chest, closing it right up.

  In class they told us to control our breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Whoever thought that one up never had to run for their lives. There’s only gasping, panting and wheezing, there’s no such thing as breathing through your nose.

  We pass the first building and I realize the Trackers must’ve spotted us. It’s with the third ping nearby that the dreadful realization strike - they are shooting at us. I know very little about guns, only what I’ve learned in first aid and what damage they can do to the human body.

  I hear the crack echo, and there’s another ping slightly to the left of me. Shards of concrete splinter everywhere, and one hits my leg. I shriek and duck closer to Chance, pumping my legs harder to keep up with him.

  “In here!” It’s a breathless order from Chance, one that comes too late.

  ~*~

  Chapter Four

  The ground disappears beneath my feet and my whole body goes rigid and cold. I wait for the fall.

  Firm arms scoops me up. I grab at him, and my fingers dig into his shoulders. I hold on tightly as embarrassment surges hot through my veins. I’m not supposed to be a liability. I press my face into his shirt to catch my breath and fight the tears of embarrassment. I want to cry my disappointment out against his chest. When it counts most, I don’t get to prove myself. Chance has to carry me.

  We reach the bottom of the stairs and Chance sets me down, but still keeps one arm around my waist. He bangs on a door, twice.

  “They know I’m bringing Ethan and Aaron, not you. Just do what I say. I have an idea. The rebels don’t take kindly to surprise visitors.” He pulls me closer to his side. My whole body goes rigid as I stand in his embrace. He leans down, and his nearness should be intimidating but it’s not. That’s something else I don’t understand. “Put your arm around me or we’re not going to pull this off.” I don’t know what we’re trying to pull off, but I turn slightly into him, putting my arm around his waist. I can’t think straight any more. I’m way too aware of him, of his body so close to mine, of the muscles beneath my arm and hand. “Relax, Jai,” he whispers urgently.

  That’s easy for him to say, he’s not the one being touched, shot at and having to jump buildings!

  The door opens and as I walk alongside Chance I feel his body brush against mine. Suddenly it’s very hot, and I find it difficult to breathe right. I can’t focus on anything around me but him holding me, touching. Deep down panic bubbles up, a different kind of panic to what I’ve been feeling the whole day. It’s not the kind you feel when you’re facing danger, it’s the kind you feel when you’re facing the unknown – when you know there is something like those words faith, hope and freedom, but you’re too scared to find out what it’s called.

  Only when we are in do I realize the trackers stopped chasing us the second we went down the stairs. I glance up at Chance, and I can see his face clearly for the first time. He’s smiling and I’m staring. I’d guess him to be only a few years older than Ethan, maybe early twenties. It is the darkness and unshaven face that makes him look older. He has light blue eyes, striking eyes, and light brown hair.

  “Chance, my man.” My eyes jump to the big, dark skinned man turning from the circle of people, surrounding a metal bin containing a fire. “Damn, what’s she on, bro? She looks wacked.”

  The man is laughing at me. I want to smooth my hair out. Suddenly, I want to see what I look like. For the first time I care about my appearance.

  “Had a little too much brew to drink,” Chance says, holding me a bit tighter. “We’re just passing through. Going to sleep and head on up to the ward. You need me to give Roland a message?” Chance sounds amazingly calm. I can’t help but glance back up at him. He looks totally different smiling. I would even go as far as to say he looks handsome.

  I quickly glance away when he looks down at me and my eye catches two people hugging. Then my jaw drops. It looks like their eating each other’s faces. The Virtuous don’t believe in public display of affection. I’ve only ever seen my parents kiss once.

  The man has the woman pressed up against the wall. His one hand is around her throat. I know I should stop staring, but I can’t. I can’t understand how they are enjoying what they are doing, and so publicly.

  “No message. You better take care of your girl. She’s drooling.”

  Chance moves his hand to my neck, and turns me into his chest. I smell crushed leaves, but then the other man’s words sink in. He thinks I belong to Chance! He thinks I-

  My thoughts stop dead. I can’t think any further. Well, for a few seconds, then my mind sets off racing. We’re not married! Any form of affection is kept for marriage. It’s for the purity of the relationship – the first virtue, Chastity. Today was the most I’ve ever been touched by men, and I’m sure in some way it goes against the act of Chastity. They would tell me I should’ve found a way to prevent it, to always keep myself pure – not once since we left the Virtues’ Ecocity did I think of that - my only thoughts wer
e of keeping myself alive. Still, here I am standing in Chance’s embrace and I don’t want to move. I tell myself it’s because I fear the dark skinned man, but deep down I know it’s not the truth.

  “Going to do just that,” Chance says, dropping his hand to my lower back and he gives me a gentle nudge. “Later, Zane.”

  I walk straight ahead until Chance growls to turn left. A few steps further the platform drops away onto train tracks. Ethan jumps off and I’m about to follow his lead when he turns to me and reaches up. I stiffen when he grabs hold of my waist. Immoral, that’s what I am! There is a moment of strain on Ethan’s face as he lifts me from the platform and onto the tracks. He’s not as strong as Chance.

  “I’m sorry Aaron hit you. At least we didn’t have to shoot you.” He says it as if it was an option. A shiver runs down my spine and this time I can’t muster a smile of thanks. Instead, I step away, putting some distance between us.

  “We’ll sleep in shifts, Ethan. You watch first, then Aaron, then me.” Chance sounds angry and I can only think that it’s because I was staring at the kissing couple.

  I look up the dark tunnel but I can’t see anything except for the tracks disappearing into the darkness. Does he expect us to sleep on the tracks? I follow them, but it’s at a slower pace this time. I keep tripping over the ties on the tracks. I wish there were some kind of light. My toes are starting to ache from bumping them on the ties.

  I’ve been concentrating so hard on where to walk that I flinch when Chance talks suddenly. “Up here.”

  I can’t see what he sees and squint until my eyes hurt. All I see is black and then a flash. Chance must’ve been here before, a few times, to know his way around in the dark. A Light flickers on and then spreads dimly through the platform he’s standing on.

  “Over there is a bathroom. We sleep here,” he says, still sounding angry.

  The platform is cold as I throw my knee up on the edge, I rest both my hands on the side of it to pull myself up when Ethan takes me by my arms and helps me up. I wish he didn’t. Chance’s eyebrows pull together in a dark frown. He must think I’m totally useless by now.

  I go straight to the bathroom, but the second I walk in I regret it. A pungent smell hangs in the air. I can’t breathe through my nose, and I don’t want to breathe through my mouth, either. Who knows what I’ll be breathing in! My eyes start to water when I take another breath through my nose. Having no other choice but to breathe the awful smell in through my mouth, I cover my mouth.

  Paper sticks to the stained floor, I don’t want to know what the stains are from. I poke at the first cubicle’s door and it creeks open. I peek into it and immediately back out. I’m sure my face is green by now. The second one is not as bad and I do what I have to do, standing – it’s disgusting, and for the first time I think I can actually convert someone by just telling them how clean our bathrooms are back at the Virtuous’ Ecocity.

  I try to flush the toilet, poking at the lever with one finger, but it only clicks and on my fourth try I give up. I zip my pants up and freeze on doing my button when someone comes into the bathroom. Do the Dissolute men and women share bathrooms?

  The door to my right squeaks. “Damn!” Well, obviously they do and by the sound of Chance’s response he feels the same way as I do about cubicle one. Without thinking I place my hand on the filthy door to keep it closed. I fumble with my pants’ button to try and get it done, with only one hand. My eyes grow large when a trickle sounds up next to me. I turn my head slowly to my left, not believing what I’m hearing. Then life returns to my body.

  I open the door and rush to the basin. They are stained brown. I really hope its water stains. There’s no sign of soap, or that there ever was any. I open the tap and water comes out in spurts. I want to be gone before Chance comes out. I try to wash my hands fast under the meager flow of water. There is nothing to dry my hands on, and I wipe them on the back of my pants as I rush to the door.

  “Hold up.” I cringe and heat creeps up my neck. I don’t turn around. As I listen to him rinse his hands, it feels like I’m intruding on a way too private moment. “How’s your head?”

  I have forgotten about banging it during all the running, shooting, hugging and kissing episodes. There’s a dull throbbing, nothing I can’t handle.

  “Fine, thank you.”

  “I got these from one of the first aid kits. It should help with the headache. That’s if you have one.” I dare a glance at him from over my shoulder. He’s holding a small metal tube of painkillers. He shakes out two into his palm and holds them out to me. I take them gratefully.

  “Thank you.” I eye the basin, dubiously. I’m not sure if the water is consumable.

  “Go ahead. It won’t kill you.” His mouth lifts at the corners and again it transforms his face from the hard lines to something almost friendly.

  I catch some water in my hand and swallow the tablets down. When I straighten up he reaches for my head. I go all rigid and swallow again, to make sure the tablets go down, of course.

  “Aaron didn’t do too much damage. The bruise should fade quickly. You did a good job at knocking your head, though.” Am I imagining things? Is he joking with me?

  “Thank you for catching me.” I thank him again, but as if that is not enough I keep on babbling, “and for practically dragging me here.” I can feel the heat spreading up from my neck to my cheeks.

  “Don’t mention it.” He drops his hand away from my face, and he gets a serious look again. It must’ve been me. There’s no way a Dissolute can be kind.

  I notice the scar above his eyebrow again and wonder how he got it. His eyes are really striking. I can see them clearly in the florescent light of the bathroom. They’re a cool kinda blue, the kind you can fall into and drown. I realize I’ve been staring too long and drop my eyes to his chest. My cheeks are on fire.

  “Are you and Ethan really brothers?” They look like brothers. Chance is bigger, taller, but the resemblance is there.

  “Yes, and I care a lot about my brother.” I hear a warning coming on. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use him in any way.” My jaw drops to the sticky floor and I’m in too much shock to pick it up.

  “Uh?” That was not what I meant to say.

  “I know this is all new to you. He saved you. You feel gratitude, maybe even a bit of infatuation, but we risked everything and he is all I have. Don’t mess with him.”

  “Um…” Again, I meant to say more than that, defend myself, at least. My heart has moved up to my throat, beating really hard.

  “I know Ethan thinks he knows what’s best for him but the world is different out here, and you’re not it.” He pats me on the shoulder and leaves me in the stinking bathroom and for some reason I feel bruised, as if someone has just punched me again.

  ~*~

  I stare at the wooden crates scattered all over the floor. People actually sleep on them? The guys have moved three against each other in the one corner and covered them with old, dirty looking blankets. I have no choice; if I want to sleep I’ll have to lie on it. I’ll have to sleep next to a man.

  I’ve always slept alone. My first night sharing a room, let alone a bed, would’ve been with my husband – not three men I hardly know. Anxiety claws its way up my spine as I drop down to my knees without looking at any one of them. I crawl across the hard surface. I try to comfort myself with the thought that at least I won’t be sleeping on the cold floor, or outside. It’s not working much. All I can think of is the three men that will be lying next to me. I lie down as close to the wall as I can, without touching it, and place my arm under my head. I can do this. I have to do this.

  The wood creaks as one of them lies down beside me, keeping a good distance. It has to be Chance or Aaron. Ethan has to keep first watch.

  “When they come you come and pretend to sleep. If I’m asleep, wake me,” Chance says next to me.

  I inch closer to the wall. The blankets smell moldy, and I tuck my face into my arm to try and
get away from the smell.

  “I hear you,” Ethan calls back from the edge of the platform.

  I wonder why the rebels stay down here, but I keep my curiosity at bay for now. I watch the light flicker against the wall. It’s only then I remember the stars.

  “Why can I see the stars on this side but not under the Virtuous’ dome?” The question is out before I can stop it.

  “The hermetically dome is designed to keep you in and us out.” At first I don’t think Chance is going to tell me anything else, but then I hear the wood creak. His voice sounds closer when he continues. “There is a lot they keep from you, from the Virtuous population.”

  I turn on my back and look at him. He’s lying on his side, facing me. This feels way more intimate than when we were in the bathroom together.

  “Like what?” I ask, to keep the conversation going. I need to hide how self-conscious I feel.

  His mouth pulls at the one corner and it softens his face instantly.

  “It rains. Not the frozen sheet once a year that you are used to. It rains in the summer and you can walk in it. The sun doesn’t burn either; it’s warm on your skin.”

  “Really? You can go outside?” I say a little too loud.

  “Like I said, there’s a lot they hide from you. There’s a lot they lie about. The Virtuous live in a bubble made to keep them in. The world is different on the outside.” He sighs, and rolls over onto his back. “You should sleep.”

  A bubble, just like I thought. But why do they do that? I try and imagine rain that doesn’t freeze and I think of the stars again. I fall asleep picturing a thousand lights.

  I wake to Ethan’s voice. “… up the tracks.”

  “Sleep, I’ll stay awake from here on out,” Chance whispers back.

  My head clears of all traces of sleep when laughter and slurring voices fill the platform. A crate bangs against ours. More people? I thought it was bad enough sleeping with three men, but everyone? No man will ever want to marry me after tonight! I’m going to be labeled defiled – a Dissolute!