Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  “I’m Roland and head of this ward. Here my word is law. Here you work to earn your keep and learn to fight for the cause. If you think you can’t do that then it’s best you leave now,” he says.

  So he is Roland. I now understand why Chance said I must stay away from him. His presence alone is enough to intimidate me. I think I would wet myself if he were to wake me in the middle of the night.

  Roland rises too and so does the man next to him, but before he walks away he turns back.

  “Jasper,” he says. My eyes dart up and his brown ones pin mine. He stares long and hard at me. It’s only a test I tell myself. Don’t look away, he’ll think you’re a coward. Finally he continues, “I’d hate to think that Ethan gave his life for nothing.”

  My stomach churns. I can’t swallow anything after that. Four bites of stew is all I can manage. I was raised not to waste food, so I sit staring at the bowl hoping my appetite will return.

  ~*~

  It doesn’t come back. I hear people get up. I hear them talking but not what they’re saying. I wish Ethan was here and not lying in that bush. I’m selfish, just like my mother was. Instead of mourning the loss of another human being, I’m sitting here pitying myself. I’m not courageous at all. Ethan was courageous and he knew all the answers, answers to all my questions.

  “You need to clear your bowl out and wash up, when you’re done eating.” It’s Nate. He stands with his one arm crossed over his chest, rubbing his shoulder. “Throw the leftovers back in the pot. We’ll heat it up for tomorrow again.”

  “Huh?” The Dissolute also don’t believe in germs, it seems.

  Nate cracks a smile. “Waste not, want not, Newbie.”

  I take Chance’s bowl as well and dish the food back into the pot, bigger than the ones we have at home … had at home. I cooked every night for us and left dad’s supper in the oven. He came home in time to say good night. That’s all he did, work. Now I wonder what it is he really did, that the Dissolute are so interested in him.

  I’ve been to his work a few times, mostly his office, and the laboratory once. I got in trouble for that. Dad said I wasn’t allowed back there.

  I finish washing the bowls and dry my hands on the back of my pants. I don’t know where everyone else went. I know it’s early still but I’m tired and sleeping is all I can think about.

  Unsure I peek out into the tunnel first and jump when Vine says, “You sure took your time in there. I thought you’d never get done.”

  “What’s it with the leaning against the wall thing?” Vine doesn’t seem fazed with my comment. She starts in the direction of the Drill Zone.

  “So, what do you think of Roland?” she asks.

  “He’s … ah ... intimidating.” I mean to say downright scary, but keep that to myself.

  “Yeah, he does that at first, intimidate you, but once you get to know him, he’s not all that bad. He just wants us to be the best, that’s all.”

  I take my chance as we walk into the Drill Zone.

  “You mentioned a war you were preparing for?” I shove my hands behind my back, trying to come across as casual as possible. “Uh … why?”

  “Life, it’s always about life and the quality thereof in the end.” She lifts her eyebrow at me. “Don’t you agree?”

  “That you should go to war about the quality of your life?” I’m not sure I’m following her.

  “No, that you should fight for your life and to preserve the quality thereof. There is a difference to how I say it. You should listen. I’m going to fight for what is mine, my life, my basic right to be a human with free will. Things come and go but there can be only one of you and one of me. It’s your choice whether you join … or not.”

  “Of course I’ll fight for my life.” I start to consider what Vine just said. “But, why go to war against the Virtuous?”

  “Because they want to replace us all, Newbie. Make you a better you. Genetically Altered Humans, the perfect human race for the perfect society. All they need is our DNA.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I shake my head slowly but then, some of the puzzle pieces start to fall into place. Why my mother fought against going out on the seventh day – was she trying to avoid the trackers, buy some time to plan a better escape? The trackers! Chance said they have to deliver us, but to whom? The trackers have Ethan, but Roland mentioned to Chance that they won’t let him suffer. I have so many new questions my head is spinning.

  “Come on, tomorrow you start training. Let me show you some of the equipment.” I follow her down the pathway to one of the entrances that lead to the open slab of concrete. “The pathway is for jogging, it was designed this way so you can work your muscles on both an uphill and downhill jog.”

  My body is still aching but I made a promise to start running every day and I intend to keep it.

  The Drill Zone looks different from the bottom. The first thing I notice is the wall. I didn’t see it because I was standing on it. It’s quite high up once you reach the bottom.

  “That’s my favorite. The grid.”

  The wall has grooves in it and in other places there are bulges.

  “You’ll learn to climb on it.” Vine has the biggest grin on her face.

  I look at the wall with new eyes. The grooves are holes where you can place your hands and feet and I suppose the bulges are just for extra support.

  “Why?”

  “Cause your daddy’s building looks similar. The concrete buildings are very similar to the grid. Security is too tight too try and break in through the doors, so we have to climb, to go through the windows.” She says it matter-of-factly.

  “Greg is looking for you.” Chance snaps from the pathway right above us.

  “Later, Newbie.” Vine shrugs and then jogs up the pathway.

  With nothing else to do, I walk up to the wall to inspect it. The texture is rough and cold beneath my fingers. I grasp hold of the first small hole and look for a place to put my foot, I find a bulge not too high from the ground and test it with the tip of my toes. Once I’m satisfied with the grip I have, I grasp hold of a bulge a bit higher and pull myself up.

  I find a hole that really can only qualify for a crack and nudge the tip of my shoe into it. It seems easy enough. I reach for another bulge, already searching for cracks and bulges I can take hold of and wedge my feet into. I pull myself up again and feel the blood rush through my body. I can do this. I can actually climb this wall.

  “What are you doing?”

  I almost lose my grip on the bulges when Chance speaks behind me. I thought I was alone.

  “I’m climbing.” My voice dips and it sounds like a question.

  “I can see that. I was wondering if you wanted to break your neck, because we normally do it with ropes,” he snaps.

  “Ropes?” I can’t see any ropes. I glance at him over my shoulder. He looks upset, standing with his arms crossed. He lifts one finger and points up. There is a contraption hanging from the roof, with … well, what do you know there are ropes. I ease myself down and jump off the last bulge.

  “I didn’t see that,” I apologize. This is way too awkward after what happened in the bathroom. I make a mad dash to shoot past Chance, but he takes hold of my arm, holding me back. My stomach sinks to the ground, and I wish I could join it down there.

  “Look, I don’t doubt that one day you’ll be able to climb the grid without a rope, but that day is not today.” His eyes skim over me, from head to toe and back up. My whole body flushes hot again and I look away so he can’t see it in my face. The last thing I need is another lesson. “You’ll have to build some muscle first.”

  He lets go of my arm and walks over to a stand to the left of us. I follow him, glad for the diversion. It looks like it’s made from the same rock as the grid. Closer up I can see buttons on it marked; Grid, Scaffolds, Ropes, Wrecking Ball, and others that don’t quite make sense.

  Chance presses the one after the other and a deafening noise fills my ears. I cri
nge closer to him without meaning to. Ropes for the grid come down with a loud bang, bouncing a couple of inches from the ground. A screeching noise fills the air and I cover my ears, it sounds like wheels that haven’t been oiled in a long time. Platforms shift down from the ceiling, five of them in different sizes, hanging and swaying precariously above my head. A massive ball comes swinging through the air with a loud bang.

  More ropes spiral down at the far end of the floor. The dome is instantly converted into a full blown training arena – a Drill Zone. There are rail extensions bolted to the other wall. On the other side of the floor, close to the grid, I see bags.

  “This is where you will practice your climbing and jumping skills, Jai. You’ll practice until you can do it blindfolded.”

  I glance up at the swaying scaffolds. The rooftops didn’t sway, but now I know how he made the jump into the hole, how he did everything so effortlessly. He can do this blindfolded.

  I can’t manage a word. But, somehow I’ll have to manage the Drill Zone. I have to do it for Mom, and to find out what is going on with Dad, but mostly, to prove to myself I can.

  ~*~

  That night I go to bed in the same clothes I got from Raze. I take the mat second closest to the door. It’s not too dark, not too light. Chance didn’t come to sleep, neither did Roland, and the other guy that was with him.

  I’m tired but I still can’t sleep. When I close my eyes I see Ethan’s body go limp and drop to the ground. I see the hurt in Chance’s eyes. I feel his arms around me and his lips on mine. I’m scared and confused. I can’t understand how it was so easy for him to kiss me, how it meant nothing to him. It changes my world, and instead of it being a wonderful moment it becomes a sad one, because I can’t stop what I’m feeling and Chance said feelings are a weakness.

  I give up on sleeping after tossing and turning until the blanket is twirled around my body. I listen to the even breathing of the others and I sit up. Why not? I haven’t seen the animals up close yet and everyone’s asleep. The lights are on dim in the animals’ enclosure. It gives a soft glow to everything. The first pen holds sheep. I smile and I’m sure if I had no ears the smile would wrap right around my head. They all stand huddled together, a cloud of white fluff. I can’t wait to touch one.

  Excitement bubbles up inside me. I saunter along to the next. The cows aren’t fluffy and they’re huge in comparison to the sheep. I don’t look as long at them. The pigs look naked. It’s the first thought that comes to mind. I chuckle at how funny they seem in comparison to the pictures I’ve always seen. A big fat one lies to the side. It has floppy ears that curl at the sides. It looks old.

  The next enclosure is almost empty. Then I see them all in the corner. Chickens. There are tiny ones that push at the bigger ones to try and get under them. My heart turns to a puddle of goo right there. Tiny peeps sound up.

  “Aww … you’re precious,” I whisper to them, and I lower myself to the floor, clutching the fence. I want to hold one so badly.

  “They are nice.” I pull myself up quickly. I didn’t hear someone else come in. The man that sat next to Roland smiles at me.

  I don’t know how long he has been there, seeing a side of me I’m not sure I want him to see.

  “I’m Sam,” he says.

  Chance said something about Sam, that he was my best bet, or something like that. He holds his hand out to me. I take it, only because I know it will be rude not to. His grip is firm as he holds mine. Sam is a little shorter than Chance, more Ethan’s height. His black hair draws attention to his gray eyes. The longer you look at Sam, the more you realize just how attractive he is, and I only notice this now that Roland isn’t glaring me down. I can’t guess his age, late twenties – thirties even. Like I said, I’m bad with guessing people’s ages.

  He moves past me and opens the gate, letting himself into the chicken enclosure.

  “Shouldn’t they sleep?” I shouldn’t question what he does.

  “It’s all they do, eat and sleep,” he says.

  He picks up a little one. It looks even smaller in his hand. When he comes back to the fence a smile spreads across my face. I can’t contain myself.

  “Come on in, they don’t bite,” Sam says in a hushed tone.

  I make sure the gate latches behind me and eye the little yellow bundle in his hand. “Go on, touch it.”

  “Really?” I ask, my chest filling with a warm sensation.

  His mouth lifts at the one corner and it’s all the encouragement I need. I try to keep my hand steady as I lift it to his, slowly. I don’t want to scare the little guy. His feathers are velvety-soft, and then he peeps, moving against my fingers.

  “Oh, gosh!” I yelp with excitement.

  “Here.” Sam takes my hand, forming it into a cup and eases the little chick into mine.

  “I’m going to drop him.” My heart flutters at the thought of him falling so far and I go to my knees.

  “You won’t,” he says. Sam crouches down on one knee and I glance up, grinning wide. “You’re a natural. Just don’t let Nate catch you playing with the food.”

  “What?” He doesn’t have to repeat what he said. I heard him loud and clear. I bring the little chick closer to my chest to shelter him, as if Nate was here, lurking around the corner and I could actually protect the chick.

  Little peeps of protest sound up and he squeezes his head through two of my fingers.

  “Don’t worry, Peepster, I won’t let Nate make dinner of you.” I cuddle him closer still.

  “If you’re gonna’ try and save every chick there is, we’re never gonna’ have chicken again, and there will be chickens running all over this place. It’s the way it is, the natural order of things. It is nature’s paradox, somewhere something has to die so something else can live.”

  He reaches out to me and slowly pulls my hand away from my chest, cupping his hand under my hand.

  “They sure are cute now, but wait ‘till tomorrow morning. You’re gonna’ want to slaughter them all once they start crowing and you’re trying to sleep.”

  “Never,” I say adamantly.

  “Let’s put him back.” I slide him into Sam’s palm. “Peepster, you say.” I was hoping he didn’t catch onto that.

  I flush. It was a spur of the moment thing. I let myself out while Sam places the chick back with the others.

  “Thank you for letting me hold him.”

  “I’m trying to make up my mind if it will be a good idea for you to work in here with the animals.”

  “Why?” I ask, as we walk toward the commons. I’d like to work with the animals, very much.

  “You’d grow attached to them, especially the little ones. You’d name them all. You’d cry every single time we’d have to slaughter one.” Sam smiles down at me. “Whatever will you eat, Jai?”

  “I can do veggies and herbs. They’re not cute.”

  He laughs at me. I really like Sam. Chance knew what he was talking about when he gave me that warning. Stay away from Roland and make friends with Sam, but don’t trust anyone.

  In the kitchen we find some coffee and only once we’re seated at a bench do I take a chance.

  “I expected it to look different on this side of the boundary.” I want to pat myself on the back for the way I’m launching into my investigation, if you can call it that.

  “What did you expect?” Sam watches me from over the rim of his cup. He’s not stupid.

  “I don’t know.” I shrug. “Not rebels, not trackers.” I want to add, not my dad being involved in all of this, but I chew on the inside of my mouth to contain myself.

  “The rebels are our front runners. We have an understanding with them.” I watch his throat work as he swallows some coffee down. “We supply them with food and they supply us with shelter and safety on runs.”

  “So they aren’t a part of this group.” I look down at my cup as I remember the night before and the way they behaved.

  “No. No they aren’t.” Sam stares at me, prett
y much the same way Chance and Roland have been staring at me. I’m tired of being evaluated the whole day. But then he says, “You’ll be okay, Kid.” We rinse our cups but before we leave he holds me back by my arm. “I was nice to you now,” he squeezes my arm, “it doesn’t mean I’m gonna’ to be nice to you tomorrow. Everyone has their reputation to uphold. You gotta’ figure out who it is you want others to see, and be that person. Everyone loves the nice, innocent girl thing, but you won’t make it that way, Kid. You gotta’ make them forget where you come from and see a survivor.”

  “Okay, Sam.” A makeover, I can do that. I think.

  Sam’s says I need a makeover but even more so, he believes I can do it. I can see it in his eyes.

  “I’ll start you on training tomorrow, until you’re chosen. Go get some sleep, Kid.” He winks at me as he starts to leave. “I’m gonna break you.”

  I feel giddy as I head back to bed. I feel like I’ve made a friend in Sam. My first real friend here!

  ~*~

  Chapter Seven

  “Rise and shine, Kid!” Sam growls in my ear, and he yanks the blanket from my bed. I hear crowing echoing down the tunnel.

  “Don’t kill the newbie.” Vine mutters from beneath her pillow. “I’m hoping she can help me catch that chicken later. Its crowing days are coming to an end.”

  “There won’t be anything left of her when I’m done,” Sam says.

  I rub the sleep out of my eyes and sit up in bed. Sam was right. The chickens are noisy in the morning.

  “I said move it!” He snaps.

  I almost trip over the blanket in my hurry to get up. I slip on my sneakers and throw the blanket over the mat, hoping there aren’t any bed inspections. I run to catch up with Sam.

  “Can I brush my teeth at least?”

  “You have thirty seconds,” he keeps walking towards the Drill Zone, “anything after that you’re paying for in sweat and blood.”

  I race to the bathroom. I don’t have a toothbrush and dab some paste onto my finger. It’ll have to do for today. I rinse and spit and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror before I run for the Drill Zone. My face is multi-colored from all the bruises and my hair, well yeah, my hair is another story altogether.