Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  “I said get off,” I whisper.

  He nods at me. “Tomorrow I’ll teach you how to hit.”

  I cry myself to sleep. I don’t go to the chicken enclosure. I can’t pretend everything is fine after the training session.

  ~*~

  Chapter Nine

  “Time to pay your dues, Newbie.”

  The words hiss at me through my sleep. Before I can wake up properly, I’m yanked up. Confusion blurs my mind and then a piece of cloth covers my eyes. The cloth pulls at my hair as someone ties a knot at the back of my head. Arms press me down and that wakes me up real fast. Before I can try to fight back, a rag is shoved hard into my mouth. I gag at the force they use and try to use my tongue to shove it back out. Another piece of cloth ties it to my mouth, keeping me from spitting it out.

  Strong hands yank my arms behind me and shove me up. Pain streaks through my side and shoulder. Someone else takes hold of my feet and I’m raised into the air. No amount of writhing dissuades them. I try to concentrate on where they’re taking me.

  Right, out of the sleeping quarters. I keep squirming and as I try to kick my way free. All the struggling makes my side and shoulder ache even more. My scream is stifled by the cloth, and I know it’s useless but I still try.

  It feels as if we’re turning right, but where? I didn’t keep track of the distance. The one holding my feet slackens his grip for a moment. I hear the click of a door. They’re taking me outside! I take my chance and kick hard, hitting something soft. I get a growl as a reward, but I can’t make out who it is.

  I wiggle as much as I can. I have to keep moving so he can’t take hold of my legs again. I scream again, a raw sound deep in my throat. It hurts, making my throat burn. The guy holding my arms lets go, only to wrap his arm around my neck in a choke hold.

  I can’t cough, because the material is in my mouth and it makes it so much worse as he chokes me. I hit and scratch at him. I hit as hard as I can. But I get dizzy from the lack of air. Someone grabs my hands and I can’t fight back as I slip away into the darkness.

  ~*~

  When I come too it’s cold. I’m tied down with my arms to my sides and my legs spread apart. I can’t keep back my tears, because I’m cold, and I’m only wearing underwear.

  As much as my throat burns, I scream because it’s all I can do. I pull at the ropes tied to my wrists and ankles, but nothing gives. I only scream two more times before stopping. It hurts too much to scream.

  I glance around wildly to see where I am, but nothing looks familiar in the dark. The floor I am on is ice cold, and I’m surrounded by some sort of steel fence. The wind blows cold over me, taking more of my body’s heat with it. I hear a rumbling in the distance and it echoes into my bones. Thunder means rain. Rain means freeze and freeze means death.

  I start to writhe and pull harder, trying to get loose. Minutes later fear threatens to make my chest explode with each roar of thunder. The wind blows goose cold over my skin and I know it’s going to rain. I can smell it.

  The first drop splats against my arm and I arch my back off the ground, trying to get away. My tears run warm over my cheeks, and it’s only then I realize I’m crying. I don’t want to die like this! I don’t want to freeze! The second drop hits my chest, and then they come fast. Fast and cold.

  The floor I’m lying on jerks under me, but I hardly register it. I think I’m losing my mind. I’ll be crazy with fear long before I’m frozen to death. The floor jerks again, or maybe it’s my imagination and it’s only me shivering. I’ve been fighting so hard to free myself I didn’t feel the shivering start.

  There’s a loud crack and the night lights up around me. I don’t know what the streak of light in the sky is. I only know I’m terrified of it.

  I hear a gate clanging, metal against metal. Someone hunches over me and my first instinct is to flinch away, but I can’t, because I’m tied up. Warm hands untie my left wrist first and as he moves over me and starts on my right wrist, I see his face. Chance! Embarrassment makes my stomach shrink and I yank to try and free my right hand.

  “Hold on,” he whispers.

  As hard as I try I have no strength left, and I start to sob. As soon as both my hands are free I reach for my left ankle while he unties my right. The moment the ropes are off I scramble to my feet. I don’t look at him because I’m too humiliated that he is seeing me like this. I’ve never been bare before anyone! The shame is overwhelming.

  I jump off the Crowsnest. My feet burn as they hit the ground.

  “Jai!” I hear him call, but I’m ashamed he’s seeing me bare and in a moment of weakness. I’m scared of the rain and the bright lights. It makes me run faster.

  I don’t reach the tunnels. His arm wraps around me, yanking me back against him.

  I can’t stop the sobs and they’re making me tremble, or maybe it’s because I’m cold.

  “Shh, you’re going to be okay.” His voice is soft, comforting.

  Sobs strangle my breaths and I clasp my hand over my mouth to silence them. He slips his arm under my legs and back, lifting me to his chest. I grab hold of his shirt and smother my cries against his shoulder. I need to calm myself down before someone else sees me like this.

  He nudges a door open with his back and kicks it closed behind us before he walks through to a bathroom, where he sets me down in a bath. He opens the faucets quickly, and warm water pool around my feet. He leaves me alone, closing the door behind him.

  I let the hot water wash all the cold out of me. I scrub every part of me hard, trying to wash the night away. My wrists and ankles are chafed from trying to get free. They burn and my throat feels raw. I dry myself, taking care around the broken skin. The towel is all I have right now and I wrap it around me. While I let the water drain out I tell myself I am fine – I have paid my dues now.

  When I open the door I find Chance leaning against the wall, his eyes closed.

  “There is a shirt on the bed. It will have to do for now,” he says.

  He slips into the bathroom. I wait for the door to close behind me before I go to the bed. I pull his shirt over my head. It only reaches to above my knees.

  There’s not much light in the room. A huge window curves from the floor all the way to the wall, forming part of the ceiling. Rain splatters against it. The drops are running in streams down the window.

  My hands cramp together as I hold the towel against my stomach. I can’t take my eyes away from the window. I move back until I’m up against the wall. There’s a loud crack and bright light flashes into the room. I shriek and press harder against the wall.

  “It’s lightening. It can’t hurt you in here,” Chance says. I didn’t hear him come out of the bathroom. He walks toward me and I feel very self-aware when his eyes drift over me. “Come on, sit on the bed.”

  The light of the bathroom shines into the room. I sit down next to him and watch with wide eyes as he takes my right hand in his. His fingers are careful over the bruising before he rests my hand on his knee. My stomach swirls and I keep my eyes on his hand as he holds mine.

  I have to break the silence. “Is this your room?”

  “Each of the crew leaders gets a room like this.” He says. “Roland and Sam have the others.”

  “Oh.” I know it’s a weak response. I didn’t know he was a leader here.

  “The way it works here,” he pauses for a second, and then looks directly at me. The soft look makes my stomach swirl even more, “the leader who takes down the newbie is responsible for their training, punishments, things like that.” I stare at him as his words sink in.

  He was a part of this, a part of what happened to me. I yank my hand away and jump up, suddenly my breaths are too fast and my legs can’t move quickly enough to get away from him.

  “You did that to me?” My voice cracks. “You … you,” I stammer, unable to voice my shock and disappointment.

  “No, Jasper,” he says urgently, jumping up from the bed.

  He walks toward me
. He is between me and my only way of escape. Everything is violent since I left home - Roland, Sam and even the nature around me, and Chance is too. Lightning flashes behind me, making me recoil away from the window.

  Chance takes advantage of me distracted by the lightning. The moment he takes hold off my arms, I don’t know which fear is bigger, the one for the lightening, or the one for him. I thought I had one friend and that gave me strength the past few days. Now that it’s gone, I feel weaker than one of those little chicks.

  ~*~

  His hands aren’t hard on my arms like Sam’s were. I glance around the room wildly, trying to find a way to escape. There is only one door and Chance is standing between me and it! I glance up at him, not even bothering to hide the fear I feel for him. I know how strong he is. He could easily snap my neck, just like he said.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” he whispers, drawing me against his chest. His arms circle me, and now I’m even more stunned. He’s hugging me? “I couldn’t warn you, only have my timing right to take you down. I just had to be ready. But, I wasn’t a part of it, not this time. I couldn’t do that to you.”

  I have to look up, because I need to know more. “How did you know then?”

  “Don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answers to.” There’s a sadness in his eyes I don’t understand. He takes a deep breath and I lose mine when he lifts his hand to my neck, his fingers brush softly over my skin. “It’s going to bruise around your neck and your-” He stops, sounding bitter.

  “I can do with a bit of color.” I try to joke. The fear has made way for that nervous excitement I had just before he kissed me. It makes my legs want to go numb just as much as the fear did.

  I lower my eyes to his chest. I can’t think all that straight when I keep looking in his eyes, and I really need to think straight so I don’t make the same mistake as I did in the bathroom.

  “You should sleep here.” I look at the bed and think back to the first night I met Chance. It feels like a lifetime has come and gone in just these past few days.

  “You sure?” I don’t want to intrude.

  “It’s better if they don’t see you walking around yet. Normally people stay up for longer.”

  “How much longer?” I don’t even know how long I was up there.

  “Like I said, don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.”

  “Why did you take me down?” I want to know the answer to this question.

  His hand leaves a hot trail from my neck to my chin. He tips my face up to his. When I look into his eyes I feel a fluttering in my stomach and it rushes up to my throat, numbing my vocal cords as well now.

  “I took you down so Roland and Sam wouldn’t, because I’d rather train you.” He presses closer to me, and now I really can’t breathe. His eyes drift over my face and all my warning bells start to ring really loud.

  He leans down and the fluttering in my stomach explodes into a full blown trembling. I turn my head away an inch before he can kiss me. His mouth brushes hot over my cheek. I close my eyes, unable to look at him. I’m torn between not knowing what to do, and a desire of wanting to kiss him again.

  His hand slips into my hair and his other arm wraps around my waist, pulling me flush with his body. Bolts of excitement rush through me, making me feel tingles deep inside. His mouth continues to leave a hot trail across my cheek, all the way to my ear.

  “You’re listening to me?” He whispers right by my ear, and it sends shivers running over my skin. I nod because I still don’t trust my voice. “I was angry, and anger makes you weak. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. I’m sorry.”

  “Why were you angry?” I still don’t trust this, whatever this is. It could just be another lesson I have to learn.

  “I was angry because I didn’t want to care. Caring means hurting,” he whispers, still holding me.

  I lift my hands to his sides and I push him back. “What do you care about that would make you angry?”

  His hands frame my face and for a few seconds he only looks at me. “Is it not obvious?”

  I don’t know if I can trust him. I want to but my mind is screaming at me to be careful. His eyes drop to my mouth and before he can lean in I start to babble. “I can’t just kiss someone and it doesn’t mean something. I’m not like the rebels.” My eyes go huge when I hear what’s coming out of my mouth. “Not that I’m saying you are! I’m not saying that at all.” I drop my face into my hands when it starts to burn like a second sun. I need to keep my mouth shut but I’m on a roll now. “It’s all so new, the stars, the touching and then you kissed me and I … I don’t even know if I did it right.” I feel the tears push back up my throat and swallow hard. “And instead of being worried whether I’ll be a monumental failure at kissing and stuff like that, I have to worry about not getting killed. That’s a pretty giant step to take if you don’t know where to walk.” I gulp down a few breaths, my heart pounding in my ears.

  Chance is quiet and I peek at him through my fingers. He takes hold of my hands, pulling them away from my face. I can’t place the look on his face, whether he’s upset or not.

  “That’s why you have me now. I’ll show you what to do so you don’t get yourself killed. I know it’s overwhelming, believe me, I know. I was in the same position once.” He lifts his one hand to my cheek and brushes softly over the scar the bullet left. His eyes drift over my face before he looks into my eyes. “Your first kiss shouldn’t have been like that.”

  “What should it have been like?”

  HUH? I did not just ask him that! It must be all the tension and exhaustion getting to me, the lack of oxygen, too.

  The corner of his mouth lifts and there’s a mad frenzy of fluttering in the region of my stomach. He leans in slowly, but he stops an inch away from my mouth. I feel his breath hot on my lips. My world narrows until there is only him. My hands find his shirt and one starts a tentative crawl up toward his neck, obviously on a mission of its own.

  “Close your eyes,” he whispers. I snap them shut and my heart lurches to my throat. I’m going to be so bad at this! He’s never going to want to kiss me again. I can’t even remember the first ki-

  My mind comes to a screeching halt the second his lips touch mine. It’s a gentle caress of his lips against mine before he lifts his head.

  I’m confused. I didn’t even get to do anything.

  “That’s how you kiss a friend,” he says.

  “Oh.” The word pops out. Now I’m even more confused.

  “There are different ways of kissing people you care for.” His hand moves in behind my head and the other caresses my neck. I immediately think of the way the rebels were kissing. “You only kiss someone you care about this way.” I frown. He’s not making sense, for about a second.

  He pushes his body back against mine as he presses his mouth hard on mine. That mad frenzy of fluttering I had going on in my stomach explodes through my body, once again turning my body to jello. All my nerves explode with tingles.

  I worry whether I’m going to be bad for about another second, then his tongue slips over my bottom lip, ceasing all brain activity. Finally that raw primal nature takes over, and I lift myself on my toes to get closer to him. I open my mouth and his tongue dances over mine, bringing so many new sensations to life.

  I don’t get to think about being a failure, or how I should kiss him. Pleasure pulses through my blood with every beat of my heart.

  When he pulls away I feel dazed, for about a second. There is a flash of lightning again, clearing my head right up. I jerk and blink from the bright light, then reality sets in. I’ve let my guard down and Chance warned me not to ever do it again! I yank away, my breaths coming fast as I wait for the hard words to rain down on me.

  “It’s been a long night. Get in bed, Jai,” he says instead.

  I glance at the bed, and then back at him, still not trusting the peace. But he’s right, and I’m tired to my bones. I glance at the be
d again. Us on the bed! I’m not going to sleep tonight. Not after sharing something so personal as a kiss with him.

  I crawl up against the wall and lie down on my back. I don’t think there is a position I can lie in that I’ll be comfortable with. I watch as he switches the light off in the bathroom. I can see his silhouette as he comes toward the bed. The raindrops sparkle against the window. I now only remember that he told me the rain doesn’t hurt. He lies down next to me and the nervous excitement is back. For a while it’s just our breathing and the sound of rain.

  He rolls onto his side and lifting my head, he slips his arm under me. He pulls me against him, until we are face to face, chest to chest. His warmth soaks into me and a sigh shudders through me.

  “We’re going to train hard, but I’ll never hurt you intentionally. It’s a cruel world out here and you need to prepare for it. You’re doing much better than I expected you to. You’re going to be just fine,” he says, and I’m trying hard to listen to his every word, but with his face so close to mine, it’s distracting. “When we train, we train, but-” he brushes his mouth over mine, and now I really can’t focus, “when we are alone, it’s another story.”

  His lips move softly over mine again. I remember the sounds I heard on the platform, but this is Chance and he’s making wonderful feelings spread through my body.

  He kisses me harder and when his tongue slides into my mouth delicious shivers streak down to my stomach. I gasp, grabbing hold of his shirt. I want to feel that again. He rolls me onto my back and his breath rushes into me. My mind clouds over. I can’t think straight any more.

  He’s again the first to pull away. He stares down at me, and for a moment it looks like he’s about to kiss me again, but then he moves away.

  “I think it would be best if we sleep now,” he says, his voice hoarse.

  “Okay.” My voice sounds just as hoarse as his. I pull at the shirt, making sure everything is covered.

  We both lie still and I’m just about to peek at him when his arm slips over my waist. He moves closer and presses my head against his chest, like he did when we were on the platform. I curl into him and finally with his hand caressing my back I fall asleep.