Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  I adjust my shirt and notice my hands are shaking. I shake them out and then step forward. “Enough,” I say calmly, too calm. I take hold of Chance’s other hand to make sure I don’t land in the line of fire, just in case he decides to hit him again. He’s breathing fast. When he doesn’t move, I take hold of his right hand, too. There’s some blood on it. I’m not sure if some of Craig’s, or some of his own blood. “Come on, it’s time to go.”

  I walk silently next to him down the street. I should’ve kept quiet. We walk into one of the smaller buildings. It’s square in shape with solar windows all around. I expected it to be lighter on the inside, but it’s dimmed and only a few trees stand in the corners. We take stairs down into a darker entrance, or maybe my eyes just have to adjust after being outside.

  The entrance has three tunnels branching out from it, we turn right. It looks much the same as Roland’s ward except that at the bottom the tunnel shines blue and when we near it I see why, for a few meters the tunnel is made of glass and you can see into a pool. Feet kick close to the glass and I step away.

  “It won’t break,” Chance says. It’s the first he’s spoken since the fight.

  “How do you get to the pool?” Not that I will swim in public. Not that I can swim to start with. Just the thought of water over my head is enough to make my chest close up. It’s the same as getting into an elevator.

  “It’s behind the building, there’s a park.”

  “Did you make the park?”

  “No.”

  I want to ask him if it’s where he got the idea from but decide to keep quiet. Every time we take a step forward it feels as if something forces us to take two back.

  There’s only one big archway and inside there are mats lined against the wall and blankets.

  “Here you sleep where you find a place,” Chance says.

  “Like the rebels?” I sure hope not. I never want to hear something like that again.

  “Yes, pretty much. Some sleep outside though, if they want more privacy.”

  “Oh.”

  I follow him out again. A little way down there’s another big archway. “Bathroom.” He goes in. I don’t.

  “I’m going to go look at the park.” I leave him to have some privacy. I now know where the basics are.

  “Jai,” He leans out of the archway, “don’t go too far. You had me worried. I don’t like to worry.”

  “I won’t.” I smile. My heart beats lighter.

  ~*~

  Chapter Thirteen

  The park next to the pool is only a big patch of grass. It has a lining of trees on the one side. Fallen tree stumps make a funny crooked circle around a piece of ground where a fire is burning.

  Water splashes from the pool onto the grass and a man roars with laughter. He grabs hold of a half-naked woman and throws her into the pool. Her scream is swallowed by the water.

  I have come to realize that the Dissolute is in fact the total opposite of the Virtuous. They live by their own standards. To them it matters whether you can fight and feel. The Virtuous live like robots, fighting and feeling leads to disorder and impurity.

  Here none of that matters. Here you have to hate in order to love, and you have to fight to survive. I hate Craig and Morgan. That hatred made me realize how much I care about Chance. And today I fought to survive. I’m a Dissolute. This is where I belong now.

  “You can pack quite a punch for such a little thing.” Speak of the Dissolute. Morgan walks around me, her hips swaying from side to side. “Chance tells me Sam trained you at first.”

  My whole body goes rigid and I look into her brown eyes. I don’t know where this is going.

  “Sam is a sweetheart. Why did you swap leaders?”

  She’s really pretty. Her shirt doesn’t have any sleeves, or straps, the material clings to her chest as if it has been made to fit to her, glimmering, silver material that draws your eyes to the curve of her breasts. I can’t wear something like that. Like Craig said, you need a search party to find my breasts.

  “Chance chose me.” It feels good to say it. I glance over to the pool so I won’t keep staring at her breasts.

  “You could’ve asked Sam to keep you. Didn’t Chance tell you that?”

  Is she lying? I don’t know her at all. She could be saying that to to test me.

  “I’m happy with Chance.” I opt for the safe answer.

  “I’m sure you are. He was good to me too.” I frown. What does that mean? “He really goes out of his way to teach you the right way.”

  “What are you trying to say?” I snap. I’ve passed hate and gone over to loathing this girl.

  “Enjoy him while you can. Newbie season only lasts so long.” She smirks at me.

  I watch her walk away, hips swaying and I wish they would sway her off balance so she’d break something.

  The fire is warm but I don’t move from the log because I don’t want to go look for Chance. I’ve taken the bag off and set it by my feet. Everything smells of pepper after I squashed the wild grass while fighting Craig.

  “Hey.” I glance up at Chance, not really in the mood for his company. “Are you okay?”

  “Sure. I’m going to go look for something to wear. This is all ruined. I’ll see you later.” I leave him standing by the fire, with the bag full of crushed wild grass. I feel crushed. I don’t want to be just another newbie. I want to be the one.

  I end up standing outside Dawn’s shop. She’s the only other person I know here. Skater vanished on me.

  “You’re back for more, hon?” Her smile wavers when she sees me. “Oh, rough afternoon.”

  “Yeah, you could say that.” I smile anyway. “You don’t know where I can get clothes? Maybe a new personality too?”

  She laughs and wipes her hands on a cloth. “I’m always in for a makeover and you girl,” she smiles wide, “you’re in desperate need of one.”

  We walk two shops down and cross the street. I don’t know why there’s a street, I haven’t seen any buses. The door doesn’t ring when we go in. Clothes hang against the wall, wool ones, normal black and gray ones, and then – shimmery ones. I walk over to the shimmery ones.

  “Gerald!” Dawn calls behind me. I glance over my shoulder. A short man comes out. He’s as short as me. He walks funny, as if he’s trying to walk like a girl, and when he talks I can’t keep my grin back.

  “Dawnie, babelicious! What did ya bring me today?” He looks me over from head to toe. “Oh girl, ya’re hurting my eyes. Mama-Gerald’s gonna fix ya right on up.” He snaps his fingers in the air, from side to side.

  I laugh out loud, and looking from a grinning Dawn to Gerald, I realize I like them very much. Minutes later Gerald slaps my hand for the fifth time as I reach for another shimmery top. “Na-da, I said no! Ya gotta start listening ta’ me.” I can’t stop smiling, my cheeks hurt. I’ve never heard someone talk so funny.

  Dawn’s sitting on the counter watching us. “If ya gonna be fighting then ya need something simple, but it must scream, lookie at me. Catch my drift?”

  I nod and grin. He takes a black top down and shoves it in my hands. I already know not to argue and head off to the dressing room. The top is a real tight fit. It moves when I move, but it’s comfortable. Thin straps cross over my shoulders and then over my back. The material only covers half my back. I won’t get hot wearing this, that’s for sure. My shoulders and back feel bare, too bare.

  Gerald rips the curtain open. “See, it says ya’re gonna kick someone’s be-hind and then be kissing ‘em all better later on.”

  “Uhm … I’m not so sure I want it to say all that.” I pull at the top. He slaps at my hand.

  “Stop ya fidgeting. Now for pants.” He disappears. A second later he rips it open again and shoves dark gray pants at me. He stands staring. “Oh, come on, I don’t have all day. Ya got not’ing I ain’t seen before.”

  My cheeks warm as I shimmy out of my pants.

  Gerald squeals and covers his eyes. I freeze. “Oh fr
eakin’ beloved motha’ of fashion. Ya’re a disaster. Ya’ll send a man running if he sees those.” He throws the curtain at me and leaves me staring down at underwear in confusion. Seconds later he returns with what I think is underwear. My cheeks burn bright.

  It’s black and see-through, not cream and plain looking like the ones I’m wearing now. Gerald shoves them at me and closes the curtain again. With a sigh I put them on, but I don’t dare look at myself wearing such skimpy underthings. The pants sit tight and just like the top, the material moves when I move. There are patches of material missing on the sides of my leg, five holes on each side to be exact. I feel bare, but good at the same time. I feel ready to kick someone’s butt, and I can think of a specific someone to start with.

  Gerald yanks the curtain back and I twirl for him. He grins like a proud mother.

  “That’s better, but ya still need a lotta’ work.” My grin fades. Out front Dawn smiles brightly. “Dawnie, ya gotta take her on ova’ to Little-Lynn. The hair needs work.”

  Hair? My hair. I pat over my head. “Uhm … I don’t want to cut it.”

  “Come on,” Dawn’s already holding the door open. “Little-Lynn will do it justice.”

  Gerald kisses me on each cheek and I have to promise to come visit him soon, before I leave.

  Little-Lynn, well, she’s not so little. She’s taller than Vine. A dark skinned woman like Zane, and quite plump. She’s far from little.

  “Honey, I brought you someone. This is Jai,” says Dawn.

  “How fond are you of your hair?” She doesn’t even greet me, just glares at my hair.

  “Very?” I answer hesitantly. My stomach bunches into a tight knot.

  “I heard about your fight with Craig. He got you by those strings. He’ll get you by them again, until you cut them all off.” She walks around me, lifts my hair and holds it in the air. “You have a pretty little neck you’re hiding. He wacked you good on that chin of yours.” She drops my hair. “Look, I say we cut it all off. You can’t be worrying about brushes out there while you’re fighting. I’ll make it so you can just get up and go. It will look good standing all over the place.”

  I gulp. My hair … all gone? She guides me to a chair and I sit. I pinch my eyes closed when she takes hold of the scissors. I cringe with the first snip, and the second, and third. She cuts fast. Clicks and snips surround my head. A breeze soon cools my neck.

  “You can open those eyes of yours.” Her hands pull at my head as I peek through one eye.

  It’s real short, an inch of my head short. It wisps outwards, in all directions. It’s a beautiful mess.

  A slow smile spreads over my face. “I love it.”

  “I know you do. No one has ever left here unhappy. Little-Lynn knows her stuff,” she says, smiling at me in the mirror. She looks at Dawn. “You know what she needs, don’t you?”

  Dawn nods. “Give me a sec.” She leaves me with Little-Lynn for a minute and comes back with a pencil. “This is eyeliner, sweetie, just to color your eyes up a bit. You can take it off later.”

  Dawn bends over me and I widen my eyes. She laughs, “No, keep them normal.” She moves the pencil around my eyes, quick movements that tickle my skin. “There you go, all beautified. Now you can really kick their butts.” They both stand back as I get up.

  I like what I see in the mirror. My eyes look bigger, but I don’t look as innocent. I look like one of them now.

  ~*~

  “The food should be coming out in a few minutes. Let’s go.” Dawn holds her hand out to me and I take it. It’s not like the other two girls I saw, she’s a friend.

  We walk hand in hand toward the square building, down the stairs and right into a tunnel. Their commons is huge. It’s already half packed with people. I don’t see Chance. I do see Craig though. He smiles at me but I ignore him, looking away.

  I take a seat at an empty bench with Dawn. Gerald soon joins us and laughter follows where he goes. Two more people join. They don’t introduce themselves and I don’t bother to introduce myself. Some people start to go get food. I wait.

  “Come on, it won’t come to us.” I follow Dawn to the line.

  “You’re looking good, Jai.” Craig falls in behind me. I ignore him and keep my eyes on the people in front of me. “Aww, come on, no hard feelings. A fight is a fight.”

  Dawn shoots me a quick glance. She can’t help, she’s not a fighter. I glance over my shoulder.

  “It’s a choice. I don’t want to talk to you. It’s a simple choice,” I say and then look in front of me again.

  “Oh, you’ve had the choices speech. When you’re tired of speeches and ready for action you know where to find me.” He leaves the line and heads back to the group he’s sitting with. Swinging-hips girl is sitting by his table. The line moves forward, but I’m not really hungry.

  “Jasper.” Chance only uses my full name when he is angry. I know this much.

  “Chance.” I glance up. We stare at each other for a moment before I touch Dawn’s hand. “I’ll see you around. I need to take care of something real quick.”

  “Okay, hon.” She kisses me on the cheek and shoots a glance at Chance.

  I don’t look at him again. His fingers clamp around my elbow as soon as we step outside the building. He pulls me around the building toward the park. We keep going, right by people standing around the fire, right by the lining of trees, and then he stops. His fingers jump away from me as if my skin burns him.

  “Where were you?” he snaps. I don’t recoil. I stand my ground and glare back at him. I feel braver after the change of clothes and hair.

  “I told you, I remember saying the words.” I look away toward the trees. “I went to get clothes, and then I got busy.”

  “You’re here one day, Jasper, one day and you disappear on me twice,” he snaps. He takes hold of my shoulders and his fingers dig into my skin. I breathe and we both freeze. He leans in and drops his forehead against mine. “You make me so very angry. You’re too careless. For such a smart person you do such stupid things.”

  I should be angry because of the stupid comment but he said I’m smart and that part sticks.

  “You can’t trust everybody that walks up to you and smiles. Some will try and hurt you just because they can.” I think of Craig and the man with the girl on his back.

  “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”

  His palms lift off my shoulders. He lets out a breath against my forehead and I shiver as his fingers skim up to my neck. His hands wrap warm around my neck, his fingers clasping together at the back, his thumbs nudging my chin so I have to look up at him.

  I don’t like the new top any more. I’m very conscious that he can see every breath I take, with the quick rise and fall of my chest. It didn’t show as easily with the other shirts.

  “A new look?” He takes a step, moving closer. His cheek barely touches mine as he bends his head closer to mine. I can feel the heat of his breath on the corner of my mouth. The same melting feeling from earlier is back. My body pulls towards him, hungry, wanting.

  “Yes.”

  “Are you happy with it?” he asks, and I want to grab at him. I can’t believe he’s asking me questions right now.

  “Yes.”

  “Hmm…” The sound hums into my bones. He starts to move and I want to move with him, to stay close to him. His one hand leaves a sizzling trail along my neckline, over my shoulder and down my spine as he moves in behind me, while his other stays around my neck. I can’t breathe.

  My nails dig into my palms, hard. His fingers trail back up my spine, over the material, then skin to skin. I shiver under his touch. Goose bumps flare over my whole body when I feel him breathe on the back of my neck.

  Feelings. I really like feelings. I’m going to explode into a million tiny pieces from all these feelings. No one will ever know what happened to me. I’m going to die because he won’t kiss me. My body lurches forward when his lips touch the back of my neck. Prickles of electricity run ov
er me and I fear I’m glowing like one of my glofish. His arm wraps around me, keeping me in place and he kisses my neck again.

  I clasp my hands over my mouth when a moan escapes. He presses a kiss on my shoulder and I shudder when he whispers in my ear, “I like it too.” For a moment I don’t know what he’s referring too, then I remember it’s my new look.

  He drops his other hand to my hip and then he brushes lower until he reaches the first hole on the side of my leg. His touch is electric and I tremble with excitement. He brings his hand up from my leg, over my hip and then he spreads his hand over my waist.

  I’m melting when he pulls back, taking my hand. “Time to eat.”

  I don’t know how he does that, how he can look so calm while it’s raging inside of me.

  ~*~

  Chapter Fourteen

  I still don’t like the idea of everyone sleeping together. I don’t want to sleep next to someone I don’t know. I’ll never close my eyes.

  “Let’s grab a corner.” Chance walks over to the far corner and I can’t help wonder how many people have slept on these mats. I shiver at the thought. “It might get cold.” Chance digs around in his bag and pulls his jacket out. “This will keep you warm.”

  I shrug it on and sit down next to him, grateful that he chose a corner. I can sleep with his heart beating in my ear. The lights are dim, but I see her clearly as she walks toward us.

  “Great.” I mumble under my breath and then scoot back over the mat.

  “What’s that?” Chance glances at me from over his shoulder.

  “I said thanks.”

  “Ooh…” Her voice sounds raspy. I frown. “We haven’t slept together in a while.”

  I rub my hands over my face and get up. I can’t listen to this.

  “Jai?”

  I glare down at Chance. “I’m going to shower. Would you like to join me?” My eyes jump between them. Chance frowns at me, and I realize what I actually just asked him in a moment of weakness. I don’t know what this feeling is called that burns through me every time that woman gets close to him. I turn away before they can see the blush spreading over my cheeks.