Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  ~*~

  Chapter Seventeen

  I peel the bulb and mash it into a mushy paste. My arm burns after a while. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right. Chance doesn’t say anything when he sits down next to me. He just starts to help.

  I’m surprised when Roland brings us food. He shoves a plate at me and sits down with his own. We eat in an uncomfortable silence.

  “I hear you went crazy and took out half the Insensates on your own.” I stop eating and stare at my plate. It’s amazing how he can still make my stomach turn. I glance up and regret doing so. His eyes are as sharp as ever.

  “I had to protect them.”

  He puts his plate down and takes hold of my arm. His fingers squeeze lightly, like he did with Chance when he lost Ethan. There’s no sign of my scratch marks on his arms.

  “You did our ward proud, Jai.”

  I don’t say anything, too stunned that he now sees me as one of them. I’m no longer a newbie.

  The uneasiness between Chance and me keeps growing and I go looking for Dawn after a few minutes. I find her in Gerald’s store.

  “They’re gonna come and take what they need soon.” She hops from the counter. “Let’s get you something before it’s all gone.”

  I don’t look around. I don’t want to be reminded of Gerald. I walk over to the outfits similar to the one I’m wearing and look for my size. I take four more tops like the one I’m wearing and four more pants. Dawn just looks at me.

  “It works. I might as well make it a uniform.”

  “Grab a jacket too.” Her voice breaks, and she joins me in looking for one.

  We find one that zips up. It sits tight and won’t get in the way if I run. Dawn throws a backpack at me and I tuck it all in. I grab underwear as well.

  “That’s it. I have clothes and guns. I just need a shower and then I’m ready to go kill again.” My chin trembles.

  “Thank you.” I can’t look at her as she thanks me for killing people. I try to breathe the tears away. Soldiers don’t cry. “For saving me,” she says, and then she hugs me to her. “When you leave here you have to promise me something,” her voice trembles, and I just nod against her shoulder. “You gotta come back to me, hon,” she laughs, breathlessly, “cause I gotta do those eyes of yours again. We can’t let them get out of hand.”

  I laugh, “No, we can’t have that happening.”

  I leave Dawn in Gerald’s store. I walk out fast when she starts to sob.

  ~*~

  When I step out of the shower, Chance is leaning against the wall with his eyes closed.

  “Is there something you want to tell me,” he whispers.

  My heart clenches painfully. “No.”

  How do I begin to tell him I’m going to leave him behind. He won’t understand that I can’t have him risking his life, or any of the group for that matter. If I can get out of here first I can maybe save them, or die trying.

  He walks over to me and I look down at my feet. I’m a terrible liar. He stops in front of me and I suppress the urge to close the distance between us.

  “Do you care at all?” he asks, and I can hear a tinge of pain in his voice.

  His question stuns me and pushes tears up my throat. They spill over my cheeks before I can try and swallow them down.

  “How can you even ask me that?” I look at him up and I clench my hands next to my sides to keep from reaching out to him.

  “I don’t know what to think,” he says, looking tired. “At first I thought it might be because you needed to adjust to your new surroundings, but I’m not so sure anymore. You constantly disappear on me. I’m starting to get the idea this is a one sided thing.”

  I can’t leave him feeling like this. I wipe tiredly over my face and kiss the last of my self-respect goodbye. “I’ve never been with someone before. I don’t know how it’s supposed to work. Everything is confusing. First you want to shoot me, then you hold me, then you kiss me,” I sigh before I go on, “Then you tell me to never feel anything or make myself vulnerable again.” The tears start flowing faster and I just let them go. “Then you kiss me again. It’s all really confusing, Chance. And I don’t know how you can think I don’t care! I let you touch me. I’ve done things with you I didn’t even know about a week ago. A week ago I was feeding my glofish and now I’m ki-”

  Shock vibrates through me as the realization sinks in. Suddenly there’s not enough air. I walk away from him, needing the distance.

  “Jai?”

  He takes a step toward me and I hold up my hand. “I killed,” I whisper, as the horror of what I did, hits hard. “I killed people.”

  “They weren’t people!” He comes to stand in front of me, his face hard. “They weren’t human, they had no feelings.” He tilts his head, a warm look filling his eyes. “And I was wrong. You’re not weak if you care. It makes you stronger, because it gives you something to fight for. You are my something to fight for. You make me stronger.”

  I lift on my toes so I can reach his mouth. A sob shudders through me, as I take hold of his face. My lips tremble when I press them against his. I take a breath and my voice is hoarse when I whisper, “I do care about you. I care what you think, what you feel and what you’ll do next. I’ll fight for you, because I can’t imagine my life without you. A week ago I wondered what my purpose was, if I had one.” I press my mouth to his, giving him a chaste kiss. “If my purpose is caring for you then I will die happy.”

  He pulls me up, crushing his mouth to mine and the ache is sweet as it spreads through my chest. He walks me back until we reach the showers. I break away from him to look behind me, not sure what he is doing. His arm sweeps around my waist and he lifts me to his body. He steps into the shower and closes the door behind us. He presses me up against the wall, and his hands drop to my backside. He lifts me higher, and pulls my legs around his waist.

  He bites at my bottom lip and I can’t keep the moan back, but it’s stifled as his tongue slips into my mouth. He kisses me until I’m gasping for air and clawing at his back.

  “You have no idea what you’re doing to me, do you?” he asks, hoarsely.

  I shake my head, feeling slightly dazed from his kiss. His fingers dig into my backside, and then his body presses against mine. His hips rock forward and my body shudders, as he awakens the same intense sensation in my abdomen that he made explode through me the other night.

  With his body pressed hard against mine, I can feel every hard inch of him. He looks at me, and my insides clench. It looks like he wants to devour me.

  “Very soon I’m going to make you mine, Jasper. Your old life is gone. Last week is gone. There’s only now and what we make of it. We’re going to go win this war and then it’s just going to be the two of us.”

  “I like the sound of that, just us.” I crush my mouth to his so he can’t see my eyes. There is no way I’m going to let him go to war. I’d rather die.

  ~*~

  As soon as Chance is asleep I sneak off. I take four guns, stuffing them in my bag. The second I’m out of the building I sprint full out. I don’t slow until I’m well into the bush, but I keep running. I have to reach the ward before dawn. I need food and water and then I’ll run to the broken down metropolis. I’ll figure out a way into the Virtuous metropolis from there.

  It’s not that far if you run. I keep my gun out at all times, ready. The cornfields still look the same as I come up to them. The stalks brush against my clothes as I move through them. My foot hit something and I fall, sprawling out over the ground. I watch as my gun skids just out of reach.

  Stalks snap and break to my right. I glance over my shoulder at what tripped me, and a shriek builds up in my throat. I clasp my hand over my mouth to keep it from escaping. Aaron’s eyes are wide and empty. I tripped over his head. I pull my feet up slowly, and as I reach for my gun it disappears from my sight.

  Strong fingers clasps around my neck and yanks me up from the ground. I kick at the air and then I look into dead eye
s – Insensate dead eyes. I reach for the gun behind my back and bring it up to his head and shoot. We both drop to the ground. I guess when they took away the part of the DNA that gives feelings, they took away his common sense too.

  I grab my other gun and keep moving. I have to remember why I’m here. Food and water and then I leave. I see what Vine meant about the wall being gone. There’s a huge gaping hole in it, no gate. I move slowly down the stairs, straining my ears for any sounds. The door is gone. I search the vertical farm and move along when I find it empty. The park looks the same. I peek into the animal enclosure and pull back. I saw someone lying on the floor. Nothing moved.

  A quick glance behind me assures me I’m still alone and I slip inside the animal enclosure. Bile pushes up my throat from my churning stomach. All the sheep, they’re no longer white and woolly, but lifeless and red. The cows and pigs too. Nate lies face down with a red bloodstain on his back. His eyes are closed. I run to the chickens.

  “I’ll kill them all!” A suffocating pain squeezes the words through my throat. “I’ll rip their hearts out and make them pay.” I drop to the floor and heave. A perfect race wouldn’t hurt something so precious. The Insensates are emotionless creatures, much worse than we can ever be.

  There’s a faint peep and I yank at the gate, ripping it from its last hinge to get in. Feathers and feathered bodies lay scattered and then I see the movement, little feet kicking to get up from under the dead. His yellow body is still warm as I lift him to my chest. He looks like he’s struggling to breathe, gasping for air. I cradle him close to me and get up. I don’t search any further.

  Back outside I turn my body to the rising sun so it can shine on the little chick. I watch the sun reflects in the chick’s black eyes. Sobs ripple through my chest as he gasps at the air. All I can think to do is to caress his little head, to show him he isn’t alone.

  “Do you … feel that?” A sob threatens to close my throat right up. “It’s the … sun, nice … and warm.” I sob harder as his gasps for air slows. My chest aches so much for him. “You go ahead … sleep, little peepster. Go to sleep … with the sun in your eyes.” His whole body jerks in my hands and I drop to my knees. “No!” It hurts so very much to watch him die and not be able to help him. I don’t understand all the killing, so much senseless killing.

  “It’s okay,” I say on another sob. “I have you, you’re not alone.” His body jerks once more before it stills, stiff in my hands. My heart breaks as I watch the shine in his eyes fade away. My body shudders with an aching I’ve never felt before and I press the little chick to my chest.

  “Kid,” I hear the whisper. My whole body jerks with fright. Sam’s eyes are red where he stands a few feet away. “We have to move.”

  I don’t know how long he stood there and kept watch over me.

  ~*~

  I’m angry with Sam. It’s nice not to be alone but I don’t want him to come along.

  “Why did you come?” I snap at him. We’ve been walking in silence for a while now, the ward far behind us.

  “You think I’m really gonna sit back and let you do this by yourself?” he snaps back at me. “I should’ve gotten them all together to come, but I knew it would take too long. So, if you wanna go on this suicide mission of yours, then you’ll just have to be happy with my company.”

  “Well, if you’re coming you better keep up.” I glare at him, although I’m not sure my glares have any effect on him.

  He laughs. “Lead the way. This is gonna be good.”

  I start to run, and Sam falls in next to me. I keep to the side of the road. We pass the car where we got shot at by the trackers. My heart beats a little faster. I try not to wonder if Ethan is still lying out there.

  We run well into the afternoon. We stop twice to drink water. Sam doesn’t comment about the pace I’m setting. We reach the outskirts of the metropolis when the sun is high. I didn’t know it was this far from the wards. I was asleep when we drove through this stretch.

  I’m tired, but there is no way I’m stopping, not with Chance’s life hanging in the balance. I know he will come after me, so I have to do this before he catches up.

  “Do you know your way around this place?” I ask Sam. Chance seemed to know where to go, and I’m hoping Sam does too.

  “Like the back of my hand. We use to live here until they forced us out a couple of years back. Those of us that survived joined the wards. We built the wall to keep them out. Should’ve known it would only be a matter of time before they broke through.” Sam takes over leading the way.

  We start to weave our way through the buildings. It takes me a while to realize they are dwellings and that some look occupied.

  “Rebels or trackers?”

  “Yesterday I would’ve said Rebels, today I don’t know,” he whispers.

  We move fast, keeping to the side of the dwellings for shelter. The neighborhoods soon fall behind us and we’re left with an open space of crisscrossing roads to get over. Some are high up.

  “The old highways. It leads into the heart of the metropolis if we take it, but we’ll be open targets. If we take them we’ll save time, lots of it, but we’ll have to run. If they see us, they’ll know we’re here. I’d like to keep the element of surprise on our side.” I take Sam’s hand, it’s warm on mine.

  “Then we run, Sam. We don’t have time.” He brings my hand to his mouth and presses his lips hard against the back of my hand.

  “You’ve come a long way, Kid. It’s good to know I’ve got you to cover my back.” He swallows hard.

  “Don’t go all mushy on me now, Sam.” I tease, and nudge at his side with my shoulder. I squeeze his fingers. “Before we run to our impending death, why is it a man like you don’t have someone, Sam?” He’s certainly the most attractive one I’ve ever seen.

  The one corner of his mouth lifts, “I do, she just won’t admit to herself that she’s mine yet. She’s just as stubborn as you.”

  “Who?” I wonder if I know her.

  “I don’t think you want to know, Kid. Let’s go,” he says, looking uncomfortable.

  I pull my hand from his. It’s all starting to make sense, why he’s been so nice to me. Sam loves Mom.

  “But my dad?” I should be angry with him. I should shoot him in the leg at least. But then I’d have to drag him along.

  “I get that he’s your dad, Kid. But what kinda’ man doesn’t fight for his woman and kid? That’s all I’m saying. We better get going if you want to save the world by yourself, the others must’ve realized we’re gone by now. I’m sure Chance is right behind us and he’s going to beat you ten shades of blue for going on this insane mission.”

  I laugh, “He has to catch me first.”

  We jump over the railing onto the road and start sprinting full out toward the buildings rising dark and gloomy into the early evening.

  ~*~

  I watch Sam scale up the concrete slab separating the two highways. A River winds long and broad beneath the highways. Sam says it the same one that feeds into the Virtuous Ecocity. The water looks dark, just a dark stream of rushing cold and wet gripping fingers to me.

  I stand on the railing with my heart in my throat. If I fall, I fall into the river below. Water will swallow me up. I’ll die. I can’t fall.

  “Come on, Kid,” He calls from above. He’s holding onto the outside of the railing with just his left leg and arm.

  The concrete slab has thin grooves every two meters. I just have to cling long enough, until I can find a hold on those grooves. I take a few deep breaths and jump. I grab onto the slap and feel my heart beating hard against the cold slab. My hands are sweaty! I should’ve wiped them first. Time warps when you panic, it speeds up so you can’t think.

  I slip, and I start to slide down. I panic and hit my hands along the concrete, feeling for the grooves. They’re all gone – the thought numbs my mind and the bag with guns suddenly weighs a ton - pulling me down.

  I can’t hold on! I look wildly
at Sam, he needs to know. “I can’t swim,” I breath the words through my closing chest, and then I fall.

  It’s not like before. The water is hard, it splats loud under me. It swooshes and yanks at my body before it swallows me up. With the bag of guns dragging me under, I sink faster this time.

  Something black comes at me. I want to scream but this time I know I’ll swallow water and I know it will burn. Arms wrap around me and I grab at them, pulling myself closer to whoever it is. It takes too long before the water breaks over my head, my lungs burn and they feel cracked, like the dry ground we ran over.

  “Grab hold of my back,” Sam’s words are rushed, breathless as we break the surface of the water.

  I move to his back and dig my hands into his chest. I press my face against the side of his.

  “Thank you,” I sputter, my teeth clattering.

  “No problem,” he says. “You could’ve just told me you wanted to take the river in. We didn’t have to jump of the bridge,” he teases. I press my lips to his cheek and kiss him. Twice. “I think we can actually swim the river out into the Virtuous Ecocity. We don’t have to go through the gate then.”

  “I can’t swim,” I say lamely.

  “I noticed.” I wish I could smack him against the arm for his dry remark. “How about you enjoy the ride back there. Let Uncle Sam do the work.”

  I give a trembling laugh. “Nope, not calling you that. It just doesn’t work for me.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, thought I’d give it a try though.”

  We swim for a minute. Well, Sam swims, I cling.

  “Are you looking for my blessing, Sam?”

  He doesn’t answer me. He moves to the side of the river where it’s shallower. I can feel his feet touching and slipping on the muddy banks below.

  “No,” he whispers, then he takes a deep breath, “yeah … I don’t know. I guess I am.” He clears his throat. “Things are different on this side. Rachel practically fell through those gates into our ward. She surprised us. All the newbies normally show up within two or three days not nine days later. And she was shot in the arm. She’s a tough one.”