by Izzy Shows
At last, the form stepped into the light.
Lilith.
“God above, Malphas!” she gasped, rushing towards me. “I thought you might be here, but I didn’t really believe…”
Her words trailed off as she took in the demon trap and the chains, and her features tightened in sympathetic pain.
“It’s all right, Lil. Just get me out of here,” I said, my breath coming in gasps. The act of speaking was painful after all I had endured, after the sensation of that angelic blade plunging between my ribs over and over and the chains burning against my skin with every move I made.
“Yes, of course,” she said as she started toward me again.
“No, the water first. Turn the blasted water off.”
She nodded and took off at a run down the corridor, and a few moments later, I felt the dripping stop. I let out a groan, letting the final bits of pain rush through me. Some of the water was still dripping down my face, over my throat and down my chest, but at least there was nothing new.
At least that pain had abated.
Lilith reappeared a moment later with a knife. “I’ll get the trap first, then we can deal with these chains.”
She set to work carving into the wall with an inhuman strength to break the line that Cassiel had burned. It felt like ages were passing while she worked on it, and with every second that went by, I grew more apprehensive that Cassiel would reappear.
“How did you know where I was?” I asked.
“You’re not the only one who knows how to follow an angel’s trail,” she said, frowning at the wall. “When you didn’t come back, I got suspicious. You’ve been gone for five days, Malphas. Your brothers came looking for you, and that was when I knew that something terrible had happened. You weren’t with me, and you weren’t in Hell, so I knew you’d gone after Cassiel to heal her. So, I went hunting for her myself.”
“That could have gone very poorly for you,” I said, frowning. “What if you’d found her on her own? She would have killed you.”
She shrugged. “I had to risk it. Blair would never forgive me if I let you die.”
Blair.
A mingled sense of relief and despair came over me at the thought of her. I had made my peace with the idea of dying and never seeing her again, but now I was faced with potentially going on as I had been—of living without her. That was a pain I didn’t know if I could bear, but I knew I had to do it for her sake.
“She wouldn’t have to know,” I said dryly.
“You really think I’m the kind of person who would let you die and not tell a soul? I’m hurt you think so little of me.”
“It wouldn’t be right to tell her I died. She would feel obligated to forgive my memory, when what I did is unforgivable.”
“But I would have told her why you did it. She would have understood, I’m certain.”
I smiled, just a little. We had the same thoughts, then.
“It’s neither here nor there, though. You’re going to live, and you can tell Blair yourself once I get you out of—there! Got it.” She threw the knife down and took hold of the chains, letting out a small sound of anguish.
“Don’t touch them, Lilith! Can’t you see the sigils?”
“Of course I can, but—ah!—someone has to do it, or you’re not going to get out of here. Almost done.”
I let her work on the chains in silence, choosing not to remind her that I wouldn’t be telling Blair anything. Just because I might survive this encounter did not mean I had suddenly changed my mind about keeping my distance from Blair. I kept tabs on her, and she didn’t need me yet, and as far as I was concerned, that was how it needed to stay.
My near-death experience hadn’t changed any of the reasons why I had stayed away from her. A wave of emotion wasn’t going to change that, either.
“Hurry,” I said. “I don’t know how long Cassiel’s going to stay away.”
“A while longer, hopefully. I put every ounce of my power that I could into that call.”
“What?”
“Why do you think she left? I did what any good succubus would do—I lured her.”
I snorted, surprised that Cassiel had given in to a succubus’ call. It was further proof that the taint had taken hold of her. An angel in its natural state would not have been so easily fooled.
“There we go!” she said as the chains fell away from me—and with them, so did I.
My legs gave out, incapable of holding me after my weight had been kept off of them for so many days and after the pain I had endured. Lilith caught me, barely, and we both sank a little towards the floor, but we didn’t land.
Then she struggled to stand. It took her a minute, but at last we were mostly upright. She looped an arm under one of mine and around my back, supporting me.
“Let’s get out of here while we still can,” she said, and we started for the door.
It was then that a thunderous sound filled the warehouse, and with a flash of blinding light, Cassiel appeared.
“You will not take my prize from me!” Her voice was a shrill scream as she looked at the two of us, and she raised her blade. “I will kill you, filth, and then I will purify him. He will return to me.”
“No!” Lilith took a step forward, but I straightened up, forcing myself to stand on my own two feet. I shrugged out of her hold and laid a gentle hand on her arm.
“It’s all right, Lilith. I will handle this.”
“How?” She looked at me, tears filling her eyes. “You couldn’t handle it the first time.”
“I’m better prepared now,” I said, trying for a smile and failing.
“You’re hurt.”
“Enough!” Cassiel thundered, stepping forward. “Remove yourself from my prize or die, insect.”
Lilith looked like she wanted to fight, but I pushed at her gently. She cast me one more look, with despair in her eyes, but at last she stepped away towards the wall.
This was between me and Cassiel.
I knew that this time, I could not go easy. I could not hold back. I was going to have to be fast if I wanted to get Cassiel knocked out in order to get her back to my apartment to be cured. If I didn’t move quickly enough, I would be right back where I’d started—on the wall, being tortured for eternity.
And there was another reason that I had to give this my all. Lilith was here, and if I failed, Cassiel would almost certainly kill her. Cassiel had never wanted to kill me before—that hadn’t been the point of our little game—but Lilith was different. She was a demon, and more than that, she was a traitor in the eyes of Heaven. She had been created by God, and she had walked away from all he had offered her, though no one seemed to understand that his offerings came at the cost of her independence.
The angels had never understood the desire to belong only to one’s self. That was why some would Fall while others stayed.
There was no more time for deliberation, though.
Cassiel launched herself at me with a loud cry, her psychosis clear in her eyes.
I called my sword to hand, brought it up to block her blow and swung it around to cut into her side. She gasped, stumbling backwards as pain clouded her features.
I had not truly struck her before, had never been out to cause her undue pain. It hurt me to do it now, but I knew it was necessary.
I kept coming, blow after blow, beating her back across the warehouse, wearing her down. She was stronger than I, yes, and I was hurt beyond belief by the wounds she’d inflicted on me, but she didn’t have the motivation I did.
She didn’t have anyone counting on her. She didn’t have a life on the line.
“You will…” she gasped, stumbling forward and swinging wildly at me. “You will be saved.”
“No, Cassiel,” I said, easily deflecting her attack. “I will save you.”
She cried out, lunging forward and aiming straight for my chest. I managed to skate away, but her sword clipped my side, tearing through me and leaving a gaping wound in its place.<
br />
I bit back a cry of pain, quickly covering the wound with my free hand. Normally, I wouldn’t have worried about it much—it would heal eventually—but I didn’t have the time I needed to do that. I was bleeding heavily now, and I could feel the blood loss taking its toll on me.
She sliced at my legs, and stumbled backwards. My vision blurred, and I felt dizzy, like I might fall over any minute now.
I couldn’t. I had to fight. I had to save her and keep Lilith safe.
She kept coming at me like a rabid dog, every one of her blows more wild and unfocused than the last. It was the only thing that kept me in the fight, that kept me able to block the majority of her blows.
It was she who was wearing me down now, not the other way around, and I knew I had to get the fight back under control.
With a quick flourish, I disarmed her and cast my blade to the side.
Now, it would be down to just us, to our fists.
I was certain I would be able to take her like this, because she was too mad to concentrate.
She didn’t seem to care about that, though; she simply lunged forward and clawed at my face. I captured her wrists with one arm and slammed the other fist into her side, wincing as I did it.
I hated to hit her, but this was no time for chivalry. She would murder my friend and torture me for eternity if I didn’t hurt her enough to keep her down.
One more blow, to her head this time, and she would be down for the count, unconscious and unable to fight me anymore. I was sure of it.
I raised my hand, but she bit into the side of the one that was holding her, sinking her teeth in and causing me to let go.
“If I can’t save you, then you will die!” she shrieked, raising her hands, and I knew she would send her energy burning through me.
It was pure instinct that made me do it, but I raised a hand in response, casting my dark energy out to meet hers. This was a battle of wills, of my energy combatting hers, and it was all I could do to hang in there.
I can pull it back. I can stop it as soon as she’s beaten.
But the panic was taking hold of me, the fear that I might not get it back in time…
Her energy died out, and the black, demonic energy surged forward, swallowing her whole.
“NO!”
Thirty-Five
She was dead.
Pain swallowed me as I looked down at the spot where she had just stood. Her image was burned into my mind, particularly the wild look on her face as she fought me.
Gone, gone, gone.
“No, no, no, don’t let it be true,” I cried, sinking down to my knees. My hands searched the ground, as if I could somehow make her reappear. “You can’t be gone. You can’t.”
A broken sound bubbled out of me, and I realized that it was a sob. There were tears pouring from my eyes, mingling with the blood on my cheeks, blurring my vision.
But that didn’t matter, because I couldn’t see the ground in front of me. All I could see was her, the moment before she’d died. The moment before my magic had taken her and gobbled her up like the greedy monster it was.
I had killed her.
She was my friend, and I had killed her.
“No,” I sobbed, and a keening cry broke out of me.
Dimly, I was aware of the sound of feet scuffling across the floor, and I felt an arm wrapping around my shoulders. But I didn’t care, didn’t want to know who had come to comfort me.
I deserved every bit of the pain searing its way through my soul.
She was my friend. The oldest friend I had. She and I had been through so much together. She had been there for every moment of my life that I could remember.
Our battles had been all that got me through the tough times. She had given me the distraction I’d needed when things had gotten hard, and her faith in me had healed my soul even when I refused to acknowledge it.
All I ever did was take from her, and now I’ve killed her.
The realization hit me hard, driving the pain like a nail farther inside my heart.
She had been my friend, yes, but had I been hers? Had I ever given her anything but worry?
She had cared what happened to me, had worried about the state of my soul, and had I ever given her reason to feel anything else?
But she had smiled when we fought; I remembered that. She had laughed with me sometimes, had enjoyed the banter before the battle. She had…
God, she was gone.
Gone, gone, gone.
By my hand. It was I who had taken her from this world. It was I who had murdered her.
“Malphas, please…” I heard the soft voice, cautious though it was, but I ignored it.
I couldn’t face her now, couldn’t look at Lilith and see the condemnation in her eyes. How could she look at me with anything else, now that I had done the unthinkable? I had killed an angel, had taken one of the Host from the world, from the universe, and that was never to be forgiven.
God, she was my friend…
My friend…
I sobbed, deep and broken sounds that wracked my body, but it wasn’t enough pain to fit my crime. I deserved more, deserved to be hurt by everyone who walked the Earth.
I deserve to die. I should let go. I should just let go and have it all be over. It should have been me who died, not her. She was too good for this. She deserved so much more. She was light and life, and I am death and darkness, and the world deserved to have her whole again. I took her from them, and I should never be forgiven. I should die.
I closed my eyes, the decision made, and began the process. I would let go; I would die, if it would somehow make up for my crime.
“Malphas! Stop! You have to stop!”
Lilith’s nails dug into me as she shook my body, jerking my mind from its task back to the present.
“Let me die,” I gasped, the words dragged from my aching throat. “Just let me die.”
“I can’t,” she said, her voice small and soft as she clung to me. “I can’t do that. You have to live, Malphas.”
“I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to live. I killed her, Lilith. I killed her.”
“She gave you no choice. She was never going to stop. It was self-defense. You did what had to be done.”
I looked up at her, fury in my eyes. “There is no excuse for my crime. I have taken what was good from the world, and I should die because of it.”
Those were not the words of a demon. A demon would not care. In fact, a demon would rejoice at the fact that the world was rid of one more angel.
What was I, then?
A Fallen who felt, a Fallen who ached for the loss of a woman he never should have cared for and an angel he should have hated.
I was everything I wasn’t supposed to be, and I didn’t know what to do with that. Didn’t know how to live with it.
The solution was obvious, but Lilith’s arms wrapped around me stayed my hand.
“Please, don’t leave me,” she whispered, pressing her cheek against my back.
Dragging in ragged gasp after gasp, I slowly nodded. I placed a hand on the arm lying against my chest.
“I’ll try,” I said.
It was all I could promise.
She extricated herself and came around to kneel in front of me.
“I’m sorry, I really am, but there’s only one person I can think of who can help you process this. You need her.”
I shook my head adamantly. “I can’t. I can’t do that. Besides, there’s nothing she could do.”
“You know that isn’t true. She can help you. You could talk to her. She’s the only person you trust to be yourself around.”
I felt my heart breaking as the truth slithered into my mind. I hung my head, and a laugh bubbled out of me that turned into a sob.
“It’s not up to me,” I said at last. “She won’t ever see me again.”
It wasn’t me who was staying away from her. I could see that now, could admit to myself that I’d been lying this entire time. It was h
er. It was the fear that she would never speak to me again.
In my dreams, she had let me in the door. She had spoken to me even if she didn’t forgive me, because that was all I could ever hope for.
But in reality, she hated me.
I was nothing to her.
Thirty-Six
A bone-weary sigh escaped my lips as I looked down at the desk in my bedroom. Various items I had collected over the years sat upon it, one of which Blair had broken a few years ago. She thought I didn’t know about it, but I wasn’t the sort of man whose room you could break into without him finding out.
I had allowed her to keep the secret, because in truth it had pleased me that she’d been curious enough to go into my room. And it wasn’t as if the truly important things were out in the open.
Except when I pulled them out to examine them.
Now, on that very desk, sat a wooden box with a snowflake carved into it. I opened the box and gazed inside, allowing the sight of the object it held to warm my soul.
“The last time, I swear,” I murmured. “It’s time I let go.”
My gaze dragged over it, and for a moment I was unable to look away. I knew this was the last time I would see it for a very long time, perhaps ever. I couldn’t keep coming back, couldn’t keep hurting myself like this.
I had to let the wound close.
So, I shut the box, stood up and picked it up. I carried it to the safe in my bedroom wall and placed it inside, and locked it away.
It would be safe there, safe from prying eyes and from me.
I turned and looked at the room, feeling at once the stark emptiness of it. Oh, certainly, it was filled with a great many extravagant things, but I was very much alone here.
Lilith is in the other room. You can have company if that is truly what you seek.
But that wasn’t what I wanted, not really. It wasn’t just company that I wanted, it was Blair.
But I had come to terms with that, hadn’t I?
I had somehow pulled myself together from the mess I’d been on that warehouse floor, locked away every piece of my broken and bleeding soul, and strode out a different man.