5 Hosta La Vista, Baby!

by Gale Borger

  Maureen smiled. "Was it Val?"

  "Don't know. Coulda been she was running late too. By the time I picked everything up off the street I was really late and had to run. I never did see the driver."

  Maureen hustled Spaz down the hall. "You're not too late. I'm just glad you're all right. We'll get your makeup on and get you ready for your demo. What is the subject?"

  "Container gardening. I'm going to show how to flower garden in small spaces. I was going to do urban gardening, but I needed to stick to flowers for the show."

  Maureen patted her shoulder. "Perfect. You can do urban flower gardening. We get a lot of talks on flower arranging."

  "Sounds pretty lame to me."

  Maureen smiled. "It is pretty lame, actually." She took Spaz's arm. "Come on, let's go."

  Feeling much better, Spaz let Maureen drag her to the dressing room. Girls ran to and fro with little or nothing on. Spaz stood wide-eyed and watched the chaos. "Don't they get cold?"

  Maureen laughed. "One would think so." She sat Spaz at a mirror. A half-hour later and Spaz was allowed to get a look at in the mirror. "Wow. You like, work magic."

  Maureen put a hand on her shoulder. "Wow is right. Your hair was great to work with. I put it up so it doesn't fall in your face while you do your talk."

  Spaz hopped off the high chair. "Thanks. I have to run and get my demo garden. I made a 3-D display of raised beds in a front yard on a four-by-three sheet of plywood. It looks totally cool 'cuz I made it to scale. The guys helped out. I've got lumber, weed barrier. Soil and flowers ready to put together during my demonstration. I'm wearing these jeans and shirt, so I look the part."

  "You look great."

  "The boots aren't too much? I hate those freakin' clogs."

  Maureen leaned forward and kissed Spaz's cheek. "I hate them too. The dirt gets all up in my toes." Tears sprang to Spaz's eyes and she pulled back. "Mrs. O'Sullivan–"

  "Maureen."

  Spaz reached out a shaky hand and grabbed Maureen's fingers. She spoke softly. "Maureen. That was the very first time in my life anyone has cared enough to do that."

  "Oh, Evie, I'm so sor–"

  "Don't." Spaz squeezed her eyes shut for a second. When she opened them, all traces of the tears were gone. "I just wanted you to know that whatever happens after this in my life, I'll remember this moment forever."

  She turned and ran down the hall. Maureen stood and stared after her, tears clouding her eyes. She was shoved from behind. Blinking, she realized she was standing in the middle of the hallway. It was stuffed with running girls, their mommas trailing behind them, stage hands trying to push their way through traffic, tumbling boxes, and yelling people.

  Pulling a tissue out of her pocket, Maureen hurried to the staging area. She rounded a corner and stopped short behind Spaz. Spaz stood ram rod straight and stared at something Maureen couldn't see. Maureen peeked around her and saw what Spaz saw.

  Maureen was horrified. "Oh my God."

  Spaz moved forward as if in a trance. Her beautiful model lay in splinters. Half on the dolly, half on the floor, the other items for her demo were broken, dumped, scattered, and trashed. Spaz bent and picked up a mini raised bed. She stood numbly in the middle of her ruined display and silently held it up.

  Maureen took in the scene and grabbed her cell phone. She grabbed Spaz's arm and said, "Don't move." She dialed the greenhouse and moved away from Spaz.

  "Ollie? Maureen O'Sullivan. I'm not sure what to do here. Evie and I came back stage to look at her display and when we got here . . . "

  Spaz turned away and dug out her cell. She dialed as well. "Cash? Spaz. Are you guys all there? Good. Put me on speaker phone 'cuz I need you guys to do me a favor. . .

  Chapter 5

  ". . .So in a nutshell, you, too can create your own lily by crossing two different parent lilies. Each time you see your own creation sprout, you will feel the same thrill about breeding your own lilies."

  Spaz looked over the heads of the people in the crowded room. "Are there any questions?" No one said a word. Spaz smiled. "Thank you." The sound of the crowd clapping was music to her ears, but the whistles and hoots from the back row made her eyes sting. "Morons," she muttered. Smiling like an idiot, she turned to exit the stage.

  A judge stood. The crowd silenced. Spaz froze–smile still pasted on her face. "One moment please, I have a question, Miss Daniels."

  Spaz stood straight. Her boot squeaked on the floor as she pivoted on her toes. It sounded like someone stepped on a cat and the audience gasped. Glowing a lovely shade of pink, Spaz walked up to the microphone. She cleared her throat. "Yes, sir?"

  "It says here in the program you were to demonstrate flower gardening in small spaces. Why did you change your talk at the last minute?"

  Oh crap. Do I tell the truth and sound like a whine bag baby, or lie and get kicked out before we find the murderer?

  "Well, sir, there seemed to be a little mishap while in the staging area, and I'm afraid my display did not make it out alive." Titters and coughing scattered through the crowd. Spaz took a breath. "So I called The Olive Branch Garden Center, and Ms. Olive Boothe and some of the workers brought out some of my tools and a couple of lilies for demonstration purposes."

  "Ms. Daniels, I'm afraid I don't understand. Do you mean to tell me you just ad-libbed you way through a half-hour of propagating and creating hybrid lilies in front of this huge crowd?"

  Spaz looked around the room. Pone, Shroom, and Cash were all giving her the thumbs up sign from the back row. Maureen and Ollie sat in front doing the same thing. She looked at the judge and smiled large. "Yes, sir. That is exactly what I'm saying."

  The crowd went wild. The judge sat down. Spaz picked up her tackle box of tools and walked off stage. She was surrounded by the other girls, who whooped it up and slapped her on the back. Spaz thanked them, looking for the nearest exit.

  Bean, bless his bonehead heart, was there to rescue her. He took her by the arm and kissed her cheek. He held out his good arm and Spaz took it. The girls sighed and Spaz rolled her eyes. He led her out of the staging area. She whispered, "Get me the heck out of here." They sped up.

  Spaz looked back and caught movement out of the corner of her eye. "Bean, slow down a sec. Look over there." Bean turned and saw Val Hunnicut and her mother off to the side, standing alone. Val had her arms crossed and she scowled. Spaz thought, Wow, if looks could kill . . .

  Bean kept walking and whispered out of the side of his mouth. "Man, look at the momma. That woman is breathing fire! Old Sylvia better watch out. If she lit a match all that alcohol she's breathing would blow up and burn this place down. Wow. If looks could kill. . ."

  He sped up and Spaz smiled. "You are too weird."

  "I know, it's part of my charm."

  * * *

  "Nice job, Spazola. You aced that demo."

  Shroom grinned and held the trophy. "Yeah, who knew she had beauty and brains?"

  All talk stopped. Shroom looked up and everyone stared him. "What? I'm just sayin'."

  Pone snorted. "Then say it quieter, moron."

  "Really." Shroom rubbed his sleeve on the trophy and smiled.

  The group formed a tight circle in the small conference room. Ollie and Maureen were off to the side speaking with Pone's dad. Speaking quietly so the grown-ups couldn't hear, they talked about Spaz's ruined display and the car that almost hit her.

  "I will not believe Val tried to off Spaz." Cash fisted his hands and banged one on his leg.

  Pone touched his shoulder. "Easy, Cash, no one said it was Val in that car, and no one said someone tried to off Spaz."

  Shroom quietly breathed on the trophy and rubbed at a fingerprint. "Well, somebody did, white boy, an' I think it was that girlie friend of yours. I think Val tried to knock our Spaz outta the contest so she could win. Ain't nobody else around here 'cept Spaz got a chance against her. You take a look at those 'ho bags out there?"

  Cash relaxed his fists. "Yeah, I saw the
m."

  Pone leaned forward. "Did you guys get a load of that one who sang to her flowers? Man was she dog city or what?"

  Bean chuckled and howled at the moon. Even Spaz had to smile.

  Shroom stood up and snatched his ball cap off a chair. He turned it upside down and smashed it on his head. The bill stood up like a crown. He looked at the trophy lovingly and sang in a wobbly, nasal voice. "I say looove, it is a flow-wer, and you, its only seeeeed!" He howled like Bean. He batted his eyelashes, hugging the trophy with one hand, and waving with the other.

  The five of them fell over laughing. Shroom bowed over and over, blowing kisses to a make-believe audience. They all laughed harder. Shroom mouthed, "thank you" to his audience and kissed the trophy like he had just won it. He waved and wiped at a fake tear. The group was helpless.

  "Hey over there. Are you guys making fun of Jillie Peterson?"

  The five of them roared all over again and howled at the moon. Spaz shoved Bean and yelled above the din. "Told you they were raised by wolves!"

  Bean nodded because he couldn't speak.

  The grownups joined their group and the kids finally calmed. Big Mike crouched in the middle of the group like a basketball coach. "Look guys, I don't want to scare anyone, but to be safe, I think we should pull the plug on this event before someone gets hurt." He leveled a look at Spaz.

  She stared right back. "No way, Mr. Williams."

  Pone rolled his eyes. "Come on, Dad–"

  Cash held up a hand. "Wait a minute here–"

  "No, just listen to me kids, for one minute–"

  Shroom folded his Bucks basketball jersey around the trophy and quietly backed toward the door.

  Spaz smiled. "Oh, Shroom, going somewhere?"

  Shroom stopped and had the grace to blush. "Uh, I was going to protect your trophy so no one would steal it. You know, there's criminals around here that would trash a demo board. Who knows what they're capable of?"

  "Come on back, Shroom. I'll let you protect it later. We need to be together on this."

  Shroom plopped in a chair. "Then I say we stay. Spaz over here might win another trophy. Then maybe the murderer will try to off her again and we can catch him red handed!"

  Pone stood. "That's cold, man."

  Cash shook his head slowly. "That is just wrong, Shroom."

  "I think it's a great idea." Spaz stood. "What do you say, Mr. Williams? These guys can act as bodyguards. No one will get hurt because there's no one who would try anything while a group is hanging around."

  "Absolutely not. I am taking you out of the contest."

  "You are not. I'll just come back."

  "Ollie, tell her she can't do this."

  Ollie smiled and walked to Spaz. She picked up her hand and held it between hers. "I can tell her, but like she said, she'll only come back."

  Spaz smiled. "See?"

  Big Mike growled. "You're out and that's final."

  "I'm in, 'cuz I'm going to make it to the finals."

  "You're out."

  "I'm in!"

  "You are out, young lady."

  Maureen stood. "I say we vote."

  Mike spun on her. "Vote?"

  Maureen smiled. "Vote. We all have a stake in this. I say we vote." She took Spaz's other hand and squeezed.

  Big Mike let out a long breath. "Looks a little one-sided here." He ran a hand across his scalp. He paced a little and stopped. He looked at all the hopeful faces staring at him. He shrugged his shoulders and gave in. "All right. We'll vote. All in favor of Evie risking her own life and the lives of countless other innocent victims say aye."

  "Aye!"

  Big Mike slowly raised a hand. "Any opposed beside me?"

  No one moved a muscle. Big Mike sighed and shook his head slowly. "Someone is going to get hurt. Mark my words."

  Spaz stepped toward him. She reached out and touched Big Mike's arm. "Mr. Williams, you understand why I have to do this, right?"

  Mike patted her hand. "You feel you need to do this for your friend Amy, who died. You also need to stand up for the other girls, as well. And you need to do this for yourself, Eve. I know why, I just don't like it."

  She spoke softly. "I know all about not liking what you know you have to do, but doing it because you have to, Mr. Williams."

  Big Mike smiled a sad smile. "That you do, my dear. I didn't think of it that way." He squeezed her shoulder and turned to the others. "Okay then. We'll go on."

  The kids cheered. They high fived, slapped hands, and bumped knuckles.

  Ollie looked worried. She bit her lip and looked at Maureen. Maureen took Ollie's hand.

  Big Mike promptly threw a wet blanket on the celebration by saying, "But we do this my way. My house. My rules. No playing hero. No theatrics. No jumping on the bad guy, and absolutely no running off on your own. You got it?"

  They grumbled to each other.

  Big Mike crossed his arms. "I asked, do you got it? I mean it, kids, It's my way or the–"

  Shroom piped up. "Driveway, we know." He looked around. Everyone was staring at him again. "What? What?"

  Pone cleared his throat. "It's the highway, Shroom"

  "What's the highway?"

  "No, no. The saying. It's my way or the highway."

  Shroom looked around at the others. "Fer real? I thought it was the drive–"

  Everyone yelled, "Highway!"

  Shroom snatched up his ball cap and grabbed the trophy on his way out the door. "Oh, yeah. I got it. Highway. Geez. I'm gonna hit the highway. Later, losers."

  The laughter followed him out.

  Chapter 6

  "Maureen, I give up. Ain't nothing more gonna fit under this dress. I have a lump and a roll by my bra. My chest is too big. My stomach sticks out like I'm preggers. Holy crap, why did I ever say I would do this?"

  "Settle down, Evie. It's actually something less, not more. Look. I ran over to the Victoria's and picked up a one-piece shaper. Here. Put it on."

  Spaz gave her the "I-don't-believe-a-word-you're-saying look and stripped off the dress. She struggled into the strapless shaper and wiggled around until all her body parts were in the right place. "Oh my Lord, Maureen. What is this thing, steel belted?"

  Maureen laughed. "Not quite, but between the Lycra and the Spandex, it might as well be. Here now, let's get this dress back on you."

  The bluish-green silk slithered over Spaz's head and whooshed down her body. Maureen pulled the back together and Spaz's eyes grew wide as the dress closed easily. "Holy cow, would you look at that?"

  Maureen smiled. "I realized mine would have been too big on you, so I made a quick stop at the mall and grabbed a smaller one."

  Spaz adjusted the neckline and patted her chest. "This thing packs the girls in tight, all right." She grinned at Maureen. "Look! I'm normal size now! I look like the rest of them."

  She turned sideways and looked in the mirror. The dress fit snuggly at the top and fell to the floor in waves. The silk trailed behind her. It was simply the most beautiful dress in the world. "Wow. Do I look skinny or what?" She put her hands on her hips and faced Maureen. "This is too cool. I'm having so much fun I almost forgot why I'm really here." She turned in the mirror again. The dress rippled and moved when she did. "It almost looks like it moves by itself."

  "I wore it as a young girl when I was presented to the Queen."

  Spaz whirled. "Shut up! The Queen? Of like, England? How? Why–get out! England?"

  Maureen nodded.

  Spaz could hardly breathe. "You mean, you met the Queen. Not just any old queen, but The Queen of bow-to-me-and-kiss-my-silly-assed-ring-I'm William's grandma. . . England. . .Queen?"

  Maureen nodded and laughed. "Yes, England. Come, calm down, and I'll tell you all about it."

  Spaz moved like a zombie and Maureen undid the dress. "When I was your age, I wanted to go to college in the worst way, but there was simply not enough money for me to go. My sister Mary talked me into a beauty contest where even if you placed thir
d, you won enough money for the first year."

  Maureen picked up a brush and stroked Spaz's hair slowly. Her voice took on a dream-like quality and Spaz felt herself drifting. Her mind took her to Ireland. She closed her eyes and saw Maureen and her sister Mary Katharine plotting how they would send Maureen to college.

  "So you see, we had it all planned out. Once I got to college, they would be so dazzled by my grades, someone would put up enough money for me to finish. Little did I know what was in store for me. . ."

  * * *

  "Okay guys, this is how it's going to go down. The evening gown and question and answer part of this thing begins in about," Big Mike looked at his watch, "An hour and a half. Each of you has an assigned post or patrol. You will stick to the plan. You will stick to your assigned post or patrol."

  The police officers gathered around. They listened to Big Mike and ignored the three boys. Cash and Pone were backed up against one wall. Shroom was crammed behind them, trying to look small. One boney elbow pressed against Pone's kidney. "Knock it off, Shroom. I gotta pee as it is. Stop making it worse."

  A thumping noise sounded against the wall when Shroom tried to turn around. "Shut up and act normal. The cops, uh, they don't like me much. They make me nervous." The cops turned to see where the noise came from and the boys just smiled.

  Cash grunted in pain when Shroom stepped on the back of his heel. "Ow! They don't like me any better. Would you stop that and come out here and take it like a man?"

  "Can't I just crawl into a closet and take it like a Shroom?"

  "No more coming out of the closet for you." Cash looked over Shroom's head at Pone and nodded his head. Pone nodded back and they stepped away from the wall as one. They hurried to the other side of the room.

  Shroom toppled to the floor and all the cops turned to look. Upside-down on one shoulder, Shroom grinned large and twiddled his fingers at the cops. One cop opened his mouth to make a snide remark when a shriek from down the hall had the cops stumbling out of the room and streaking toward back stage.

  Mike turned the corner first and saw Spaz on the floor holding another girl in her arms. The officers were on them like the sticky on fly tape. The on-site paramedics blasted onto the scene and the cops held the crowds back while the medical people did their thing.