by JA Armstrong
Carrie had taken a cautiously optimistic approach to her pregnancy. Staying positive took work—daily work. Some mornings she would wake nearly paralyzed by fear that the day would end in loss—the loss of her pregnancy. There were times when she would wake after a nightmare. She’d fall asleep hopeful and find herself dreaming about her ultrasound resulting in devastating news. Other days, she found herself grinning from ear to ear wondering about the baby she and Devon would welcome. Life was an emotional rollercoaster. Devon tried to act with confidence in front of Carrie but her nervousness was evident. Carrie understood Devon was concerned for her physically and emotionally. She also knew that Devon was fearful of a miscarriage. She recalled the moment she told Devon her final blood-test seemed to confirm a pregnancy.
“Hey, who was on the phone?” Devon asked.
Carrie smiled.
“What? Did we hit the lottery or something?”
“I hope so.”
Devon was perplexed.
“That was Dr. Chandler’s office.”
Devon held her breath.
“I’m pregnant.”
Devon’s eyes lit up. She pulled Carrie close and kissed her reverently.
“Still a long way to go,” Carrie reminded her.
“Yeah, but now we know you can get pregnant.”
“Yes, I guess we do.”
“What did she say?”
“You know the plan. They’ll do an ultrasound in about four weeks to confirm it’s a viable pregnancy and check for a heartbeat.”
Devon swallowed hard. “It’ll be okay.”
“I hope so.”
“Me too.”
“Carrie?” The lingering silence was beginning to worry Devon.
“I’m here. I’m okay; I promise.”
“What about CJ?” Devon asked.
“We’ll be all right. You finish your day.”
“You call me if…”
“Devon.”
“Okay, I get it. I just want you to remember…”
“I know I can call you. We’re okay. Trust me.”
“Just take it easy.”
Carrie chuckled.
“I’m not kidding,” Devon said.
“Go back to work,” Carrie said. “I’ll see you in a few hours.” She put down her phone and offered CJ a reassuring smile. “Come here,” she said.
CJ moved to sit against Carrie.
“Sweetheart, I’m not sick. I promise; I’m okay.”
CJ refused to meet Carrie’s eyes.
“Honey, I’m not leaving you.”
CJ leaned into Carrie.
Carrie pulled CJ into her lap. “I could use a break,” she admitted. “What do you say you and I watch some Star Wars and have some popcorn?”
CJ nodded.
“Okay. You go find the movie and I will make the popcorn.”
“What about Deb?”
“Devon will be home late, monkey.”
“I’ll take care of you.”
Carrie winked. “I know you will.”
***
Devon poured herself a cup of coffee and sipped greedily. She’d spent three late nights at the restaurant and had two more to survive before she would have a few days off.
“You look tired,” Jillian observed.
“Late nights.”
Jillian sipped from her cup, studying her daughter curiously. “Want to talk about it?”
“What?” Devon asked.
“Whatever is bothering you.”
Devon shrugged. “Just tired.”
Jillian stared at her daughter.
“What?” Devon asked.
“Sit down, Devon.”
“Mom, I’m fine. It’s been a crazy week is all.”
“You can’t lie to save your life. Is everything okay at home?”
“Everything is great, why?”
“I don’t know. I do know you. Your life has changed, Devon. Change is never easy.”
“You mean CJ.”
“I do.”
“Mom, CJ’s been with us since I met Carrie. It hasn’t really been a change. It just has structure now.”
Jillian took another sip of her coffee. “And, you are okay with that?”
“With CJ?” Devon smiled. She loved CJ. She loved that CJ was a central part of her life with Carrie. “To be honest, sometimes it’s hard.”
Jillian waited.
“Not having her there,” Devon said. “Having her leave.”
Jillian nodded.
“It’s strange when she’s not there. Don’t get me wrong; I love having time with Carrie alone.” Devon’s thoughts drifted to Carrie’s pregnancy. She smiled. Thinking about a baby made Devon’s heart swell but she was terrified to let herself become too hopeful. Don’t jinx it. Her smile faded and she sighed.
“Devon?”
Devon met her mother’s gaze uneasily.
“What is it, honey?” Jillian asked.
Devon sighed again. She and Carrie had agreed to keep their news private until Carrie had the first couple of ultrasounds. Anything could happen. That was their reality. Hopeful without expectation was not an easy way to live. Devon kept reminding Carrie that no matter what happened, they had succeeded. Carrie could get pregnant. They had every reason to be hopeful. Devon bit her lip gently. She needed to talk to someone.
“You don’t have to tell me anything,” Jillian said.
“Carrie’s pregnant.” There, it was out.
Jillian set down the cup in her hands. She was genuinely surprised.
“I’m not kidding,” Devon said.
“That’s wonderful, Devon.”
“I hope so.”
“You hope so?”
“Mom, it’s not like it is for other people; you know?”
Jillian did know. She had been one of the first people Carrie had confided in that she might not be able to conceive. “I didn’t know you two were trying.”
“Yeah, well, we didn’t want to share that with anyone yet.”
“I can understand that. Devon? You seem upset. I would have thought you’d be excited.”
“I can’t afford to be—excited, that is. Not yet.” Devon saw her mother’s unspoken question. “She has an ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving. We’ll know then.”
“Know?”
“If the pregnancy is progressing normally—if there’s a heartbeat.”
Jillian nodded. She covered Devon’s hand with hers. “Scary.”
“A little bit,” Devon confessed.
“I understand. How is Carrie doing with all of this?”
“Better than me, I think; which is crazy.”
Jillian smiled. “I don’t think it’s crazy.”
“I feel like she reassures me more than I reassure her.”
Devon’s observation didn’t surprise Jillian. She was positive that Carrie was equally nervous. She also knew that Carrie would go out of her way to disguise her fears for Devon and CJ’s sake. “I’m sure she’s thinking about it all of the time.”
“I know. She doesn’t say anything, though.”
“What about you?”
“Me?”
“Yes, you.”
“I’m terrified.”
“Of having a baby?”
“No,” Devon said. “Of Carrie having one, yeah. I mean, Mom, I don’t want to see her…”
“Disappointed?”
“That, but… I mean, there are risks; you know? Bigger ones for her.”
“There are always risks.”
“I know.”
“Carrie will be fine,” Jillian said. “She will. And, Devon? Don’t project the worst. Miscarriages are not uncommon for any of us, no matter how we go about getting pregnant.”
Devon was curious.
“I had two,” Jillian confided.
“You did?”
“One after Kit was born and one after you,” Jillian explained.
“You never said anything.”
“That’s not something
you share with your children unless you have to. We hadn’t told you about the pregnancy. There was no reason to tell you about the miscarriage. It happens. It hurts when it happens.”
“I just wish we could celebrate; you know?”
“I can understand that.”
“We agreed not to tell anyone until we had some more concrete news.”
“Probably wise.”
“But I…”
“Needed to talk?”
Devon nodded. “When she told me? You know, that the blood tests were all positive? Mom, I… I’ve never felt that way—ever.”
Jillian smiled. She loved Devon and she loved seeing Devon in love.
“I love her so much,” Devon said.
“I know you do. So, be hopeful, sweetheart. I am.”
Devon chuckled. “You just want another grandbaby.”
“So? Sue me. I’d like another daughter-in-law too.”
Devon nodded. “About that.”
Jillian’s ears perked. “Did you set a date?”
“No, but I have an idea.”
“I’m listening.”
***
Carrie scanned the documents in front of her for what she imagined had to be the hundredth time in an hour. She needed to check the progress on each account Maynard and Willis held methodically. The announcement of the pending sale of her company would come this week. She needed to address her staff that afternoon. While she remained confident that her decision was best for all parties, a pang of regret had crept into her heart that morning. She could almost see Dar standing in front of her desk, lecturing her about all the big things that awaited them. She chuckled. She pictured Dar’s reaction to her news of a pregnancy. Dar would point to Carrie’s belly and say, “Not the big things I was talking about.” Carrie laughed. I do miss you.
“Carrie?” Heather poked her head into Carrie’s office.
“Come in,” Carrie said. “Close the door.”
“Uh-oh.”
Carrie smiled. “I need to talk to you before today’s meeting.”
Heather nodded.
“Relax,” Carrie said. “You know that Earl Hargrove has had his sights on us for a while.”
Heather nodded again.
Carrie took a deep breath. “I’ve agreed to sell the firm.”
“You’re not serious.”
“I am. It’s best for everyone. He wants the company because of the staff we employ. No one is going to be let go. And, I’ll be able to give everyone a sizable bonus for the holiday.”
“What about you?”
“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Me?”
Carrie laughed. “Yes, you. Heather, you’ve been more than my assistant these last few years. You’ve been a friend and a confidante.”
“Am I being fired?”
“I was hoping you might be getting hired.” Carrie chuckled at the confusion on Heather’s face. “By me,” she said. “I’m going to strike out on my own—smaller than this. You know me; I‘d rather design people’s living spaces, maybe some small businesses. I need someone to keep me in line. Same salary and benefits, more free-time,” Carrie offered.
“You’re serious.”
“Completely.”
“I’d love it.”
Carrie was thrilled. She adored Heather and more importantly, she trusted Heather. “I was hoping you would say that.”
“Out of curiosity when is this all happening?”
“Well, the sale should be complete right after the first of the year. We can talk details then,” Carrie said.
“Is that what this meeting is about?”
“It’s a done deal except for formalities. I want the staff to know. If anyone is uncomfortable with the changing of the guard, they’ll have time to look elsewhere. I feel good about Hargrove’s intentions. He has an excellent reputation, and he has the resources to keep this growing the way Dar envisioned.”
“I know you miss her.”
“I do,” Carrie said. “I will even miss this a little. It’s time; time for me to let go of this and move on to new things.”
“I think I get that. Can I ask you something?”
“You do realize whenever someone asks that question it means they’re not sure if they should ask the next one.”
Heather laughed. “It’s not that. I just… I’ve noticed you seem kind of tired this last week. Is everything okay?”
“Everything is good,” Carrie said. “Just a lot of balls in the air.”
“Anything I can help with?”
“Not this time,” Carrie said. “Believe me; I’ll let you know when there is.”
Chapter Six
November 21st
Bruce watched Devon rummage through the kitchen. She’d shown up to work three hours earlier than expected and had yet to sit down.
“What’s up, Princess?’
“Huh?”
“Did I stutter? What is wrong with you? Did you and Carrie have a fight or something?”
“What are you talking about?” Devon asked.
“Well, you’re not proposing. That’s the last time I saw you this nervous. What gives?”
“I’m not nervous.”
“Right.”
“I have the next three days off. I just want to make sure everything is set.”
Bruce stared at Devon. Everyone had the day off for Thanksgiving. A two-day absence for Devon was hardly uncommon.
“What?” Devon threw up her hands.
“You’re really not going to tell me?”
“There’s nothing to tell,” Devon said.
“Holy shit! You’re eloping, aren’t you?”
Devon closed a cabinet and turned to her best friend. “Have you been watching the Hallmark Channel again?”
“Ha-ha. Are you?”
Devon rolled her eyes.
“You are. Three-day weekend getaway. You’re a romantic, Princess.”
“You’re delusional.”
“Sure, I am.”
Devon rolled her eyes again and continued with her work.
“Well, congratulations,” Bruce said.
Devon turned and smiled. I hope so.
***
“No, you’re not canceling your trip,” Carrie said. “Stop worrying, Tommy,”
“Will you let me know?”
“I promise.”
“This is shitty timing.”
Carrie laughed. Tom was almost as nervous as she and Devon were about Carrie’s ultrasound. It had little to do with paternity. Carrie knew that. Tom loved her like a sister and she loved him. They were bound for life by their love for Dar. They were also connected forever by CJ, and now by the life Carrie hoped was growing inside her. Choosing Tom and Ford as donors was no mistake. Carrie and Devon had discussed the realities for any child they brought into the world together. Both agreed that they desired a donor who respected that Carrie and Devon were the child’s parents. They also wanted someone who would be a presence in their children’s lives. Inevitably, any child would have questions. Carrie had expressed her feelings about those questions. She wanted her children to have the option when they were old enough to engage with their father as they wished. Devon agreed.
“CJ is looking forward to seeing her Nana and Papa,” Carrie said. “I’ll call you.”
Tom sighed. He was torn. No matter whether Carrie and Devon’s news was happy or sad, he thought they would want some time alone. Still, he wondered if CJ’s presence might help if God forbid, the latter happened. “Carrie…”
“You have a plane to catch. Kiss CJ for me. I’ll call you tonight; I promise.”
“If it helps, I honestly believe it will be good news.”
“We’ll see. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Hey,” Tom stopped Carrie from hanging up. “I love you, you know? You and Devon.”
“We love you too. Now, go!” Carrie chuckled. She placed her phone on the desk, flopped back in her chair and took a deep b
reath. God, let me get through this day.
***
Devon sat in a chair beside Carrie. She was determined to appear calm as Dr. Chandler began the procedure. “Are you okay?” Devon asked.
“Other than having to pee?” Carrie chuckled. “I’m okay.”
Dr. Chandler grinned. She looked at the screen and then at Carrie and Devon. “So,” she began. “How would you like to hear that baby’s heartbeat?”
Devon’s heart began to race.
Carrie smiled and took Devon’s hand.
“See that?” Dr. Chandler pressed a couple of buttons to highlight an image on the screen. “That’s where your baby is,” she said. She proceeded to point out the yolk sac, gestational sac, and the tiny fetal pole. She smiled at Devon and then at Carrie. “Ready to take a listen?”
Carrie lost her breath when the sound of a fast-paced heartbeat met her ears.
“There it is,” Dr. Chandler said.
“It’s so fast,” Devon commented.
“It will get faster,” Dr. Chandler replied. She chuckled at Devon’s immediate reaction. She’d seen the same reaction many times: surprise, elation, and a touch of anxiety blended in an awkward smile.
Carrie squeezed Devon’s hand. “Just one?” Carrie asked the doctor.
“Looks like you avoided double duty,” Dr. Chandler said. “Things look the way I would expect and hope,” she told Carrie. “We’ll do another in two weeks. And one more at 12 weeks. Then we’ll release you to your OB.”
“But she’s okay, right? I mean, right now?” Devon asked.
“Carrie and the baby are both well,” Dr. Chandler said. “It’s promising. Your timing is impeccable,” she said. “Usually we do this about a week earlier. You have a better view now.” She looked at Carrie. “How are you feeling?”