by JA Armstrong
“Relieved,” Carrie admitted. “A little emotional.”
Dr. Chandler nodded. “I’d say that’s to be expected. I’ll make sure you have a couple of copies. Try not to worry.”
“Are you? Worried?” Devon wondered.
Dr. Chandler addressed Devon compassionately. The process of conceiving through IVF could be stressful. Carrie and Devon had been fortunate to conceive on their first try. Unlike pregnancies that were achieved the old-fashioned way or through less invasive means, Carrie’s pregnancy would be treated with an abundance of caution. The last thing Dr. Chandler wanted either Carrie or Devon to feel was fear. Awareness, however, was wise. She’d learned to walk the delicate tightrope of hopefulness long ago. “I’m cautious,” she said. “We’re always cautious. Couples who conceive naturally don’t have the stress of all these visits. That doesn’t mean that they don’t also face risks,” she reminded Devon. “You’re just forced to think about those more. If you want my two cents, enjoy this. When you walked into my office, you weren’t certain Carrie could get pregnant. Well,” she stopped and gestured to the screen. “You can put that fear to rest. And, I don’t have any reason to expect the worst. Neither should you. Be aware, don’t be afraid.”
Devon nodded.
“I know it’s hard.” Dr. Chandler began to clean up. “It seems like there is always another appointment. There is.” She winked at Carrie. “Call if you have any concerns. Otherwise, I’ll see you both in two weeks. I’ll let you get dressed.”
Devon offered Carrie a hand.
“Are you okay?” Carrie asked.
“That was our baby.”
Carrie smiled at the wonderment in Devon’s eyes. “Yes, it was.”
Devon shook her head. “Carrie, I…”
“I know.” Carrie leaned in and kissed Devon softly. “Let’s go home and celebrate.”
Devon finally smiled. “She’s really in there.”
Carrie zipped up her jeans. “She?”
“Yeah, don’t you think it’s a girl?”
“As long as he or she is healthy, I don’t care.”
“I don’t either, but I still think it’s a girl.” Devon’s eyes sparkled.
Carrie grinned. You are priceless, Dev. She pulled on her jacket and took Devon’s hand. “Take me home.”
***
Devon looked up at Carrie. Carrie’s fingers were combing through her hair gently. They had enjoyed a quiet meal and toasted with apple juice. Quiet seemed to define their evening, both needing to process their reality.
“I love you so much,” Devon said.
“Where did that come from?” Carrie asked.
“What? I do.”
“I know. I love you too. Are you all right, Dev?”
“Am I all right? Carrie, I’m… How do I explain this?”
“You don’t have to explain anything.”
Devon took a deep breath and let it out slowly. There were things that she felt she needed to say, things she wanted to say to Carrie. “You know, when I proposed—later that night, I woke up and saw the ring on your finger; I didn’t think I could feel anything like that ever again.”
Carrie listened without comment.
“Then, when you told me the tests were positive; that you were pregnant? Carrie, I,” Devon’s voice trembled with emotion. “Hearing that heartbeat today? Looking at you? I’ve never felt that way in my life.”
Carrie bent over and kissed Devon. “I know what you mean.”
“There’s a little Carrie in there.” Devon placed her hand on Carrie’s stomach. “She’s in there.”
“She?”
Devon smiled. “I don’t care either way. I know I just said it; I love you so much.”
Carrie was positive she had never felt anything compared to what she felt looking at Devon now. It had taken her hours to process their visit to the doctor. She couldn’t explain it, but Carrie felt confident that this pregnancy would result in a healthy baby. She felt it in every fiber of her being. Somehow, she could see it shining in Devon’s eyes. Everything she had ever wanted in her life was becoming a reality. Without warning, her tears began to spill over.
“Why are you crying?” Devon asked.
“I didn’t think it would ever happen.”
“Having a baby?”
“All of it,” Carrie said. “You. Having this baby with you. All of it. CJ being part of our lives the way she is. God knows, I miss Dar. I do. But, Dev? My life? This? Us, CJ, this baby? It’s everything I ever wanted in my life.”
Devon reached up and cupped Carrie’s cheek with her palm. “I know.” Her thoughts traveled to CJ and she grinned. “CJ’s going to be delirious when she finds out she’s getting a sister.”
Carrie sighed.
“Uh-oh, why the sigh?” Devon wondered.
“It will be her sister.”
“I didn’t say that because of Tom.”
Carrie’s strained smile tugged at Devon’s heart. Months later, Carrie still struggled to accept what CJ wanted most. Devon had tried to tread lightly. Things were about to change again in their family. It seemed to Devon it was time to put all the cards on the table for Carrie, even the ones Carrie was reluctant to play. “Carrie, you know, CJ calls you Mom to everyone except you.”
Carrie’s eyes widened.
“You didn’t know that?” Devon laughed. “Sweetheart, she tells her teacher that all the time. ‘Mom is coming to pick me up.’ She calls you Mom when she’s with my mom or at Madison’s playing with Dakota.”
“I…”
“She only uses ‘Auntie’ when she’s with us.”
“I…”
“She doesn’t ask for Auntie with Tom either.”
“He’s never said a word to me.”
Devon wasn’t surprised that Carrie was clueless. Carrie chose to be clueless. “No, I don’t imagine he has.”
“When did this start?”
“It started before Dar died. I told you that.”
“I thought that was just…”
“Babe, why does it bother you so much that she wants to call you that?”
“Because, Dev, Dar is her mother.”
“Yeah. Okay. Well, Tom is this baby’s father. Does that change how you see me?”
“This is our baby—our baby, Dev. Tom feels that way as much as we do.”
Devon smiled.
“I know what you are trying to say, but it’s not the same. We made that choice together,” Carrie said.
“Oh? And, you wouldn’t choose to have CJ as our daughter?”
“You know, I would.”
“How is it different?”
“Devon.”
“Seems to me the choice has been made by everyone involved. For some crazy reason, you can’t accept it. Even Dar accepted it. You know, if it were an option, Tom would want you to adopt CJ.”
“It’s not an option.”
“No, which is why he had you appointed her co-guardian.”
“Things change sometimes, Dev.”
“Not that.”
Carrie sighed. “She really told her teacher I’m her mother?”
Devon smiled. “You are. Tell me that you don’t love CJ every bit as much as you love this baby already.”
“I do.”
“I rest my case. You need to stop thinking that you are somehow betraying Dar.”
“I don’t.”
Devon was surprised by Carrie’s response.
“It’s not that,” Carrie said. “It’s about CJ.”
“Go on.”
“Devon, what if one day she looks back and blames me?”
“For?”
“For missing Dar.”
Devon had never entertained the idea that CJ would ever resent Carrie’s role in her life. Looking at Carrie, she could understand why Carrie worried. “I don’t think that will ever happen.”
“That doesn’t mean it won’t.”
“Well, she could end up being angry because she thinks you don�
�t want to be her mother too.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“You need to stop this.”
“How can I?”
“Carrie, you have to. I realized today why you’ve been able to handle this pregnancy better than I have.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, you’re already a mom. As much as you want this baby; you are a mom. You do know what that feels like. And, Carrie? It’s not you asking CJ to be your daughter. It’s CJ asking you to be her mom.”
Carrie shook her head.
“Well, you can take my advice or leave it. If I were you, I’d let CJ lead on this one.”
“I don’t ever want to hurt her.”
“I know.” Devon pulled Carrie’s head down for a kiss. “But what if resisting this hurts her more?”
“Devon, it’s not that simple. Dar hasn’t been gone that long and…”
“And, CJ felt this way before Dar died. Believe it or not, I understand what you are saying.”
“What name she calls me doesn’t change how any of us feel.”
Devon grinned.
“You know what I mean!”
“I do,” Devon confessed. “But if that’s true, why do you care if CJ wants to tell people you’re her mom? She’s with us more than half the week. That’s not changing. We both know that.”
“Until something else changes.”
“If you mean Tom meeting someone new, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Even if he did, he would never change the arrangement with CJ. No way. He wouldn’t get involved with anyone who expected that.”
“Things change, Dev.”
“Like I said, not that.”
Carrie closed her eyes. “I want her to be happy.”
“I want you to be happy,” Devon said.
“I am.”
“Look, I’m not trying to push you where CJ is concerned. I think she’s waiting for you to let her know it’s okay.”
“I’ve tried.”
Devon nodded. “It doesn’t matter to me, babe. I love CJ like she was mine too.”
Carrie smiled.
“Let her lead, babe.” Devon sat up. “On that note, you should probably call and say goodnight.”
“I’d rather stay here with you.”
“How about if I go run us a bath?”
Carrie’s eyebrow shot up.
“What? Are you opposed to being naked in the tub with me?”
“I’m not opposed to being naked anywhere with you.”
“Really? How about the kitchen instead?”
Carrie smacked Devon lightly.
“Call. Besides, I’ll bet Tom’s freaking out about now thinking we got bad news.”
“Probably,” Carrie agreed. “A bath, huh?”
“Yeah, you can wash my back.”
Carrie laughed. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Meet you upstairs.”
“Dev?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
Devon winked.
Carrie took a deep breath. For the first time since learning she was pregnant, her hand drifted to her belly. “Your mommy is a little crazy sometimes. We are so lucky to have her.” Carrie’s gaze drifted up the stairs. So, lucky to have her.
***
Thanksgiving Day
Jillian had caught the long glances exchanged between Devon and Carrie all afternoon. She was sure she could guess the reason, but Devon had yet to say anything to her.
“Aunt Dev!” Dakota’s voice rang through the house.
Devon spun on her heels.
“Mommy says it’s football time.”
“Football time, huh?” Devon asked. A friendly game of tackle football always capped Thanksgiving dinner at the Brine homestead. Her father had even installed lights on the back of the house. It enabled the game to continue past dusk and into darkness.
“Yep, and Auntie Carrie can be on my team!” Dakota said.
Devon’s heart skipped.
“I think I’ll sit this one out,” Carrie said.
“No one sits out football,” Devon’s brother Kit offered.
Jillian stepped in. “Sorry, kids. Carrie drew the short straw for dessert duty this year. She’s mine.”
Devon looked at her mother gratefully.
“Aww,” Dakota groaned.
“Next year,” Carrie promised. “Only, I want to be quarterback.”
Devon tried not to laugh.
“Something funny?” Carrie asked.
“No,” Devon replied.
“Keep laughing. One of us can deliver.”
Devon coughed lightly.
Jillian snickered.
“All right!” Kit’s voice blared. “Let’s go!”
“See you outside in a bit?” Devon leaned into Carrie’s ear.
“I wouldn’t miss it.” She watched Devon jog through the back door and turned to Jillian. “What do you need my help with?”
“Nothing.”
Carrie laughed. “Devon hasn’t filled you in yet.”
“I wasn’t sure if she told you that we talked.”
“She did,” Carrie said. “I’m glad she told you. She needed to talk to someone other than me.” She smiled. “We heard the heartbeat yesterday.”
“You must be over the moon.”
“We are.”
“CJ will be so excited.”
“I hope so.”
“She will be,” Jillian said. “She told Dakota that someday she’d have a sister too.”
“She wants everything Dakota has.” Carrie chuckled.
“Mm. True. So? When can we expect to meet this little one?”
Carrie’s eyes glistened. It was the first time she’d been asked the question. Somehow, that made it all real. “Sometime around July 5th.”
Jillian pulled Carrie into a hug. “I’m so happy for you, Carrie.”
“Me too. Devon is already convinced it’s a girl.”
“I’m surprised she hasn’t started toy shopping.”
Carrie laughed. “God, help me.”
“I’m sure he will.” Jillian winked at Carrie. “I take it you two are holding off on sharing the news.”
“For a while,” Carrie replied. “I haven’t even told my mother yet. We have our twelve-week ultrasound right before Christmas.”
“Quite the holiday announcement.”
“I hope so.”
“Try not to worry, sweetheart,” Jillian advised.
“I’m not,” Carrie said. “I know I should be. I’m not. Seven weeks is still early. I’d rather wait until they release me to my OB to tell anyone else.”
“I can understand that. So? Does this mean we get to have a wedding soon?”
Carrie covered her face. “Oh, my God, I don’t know! We’ve had so much going on lately, we haven’t even talked about it. I swear, we are the poster girls for non-traditional everything.”
“Well, you let me know if there is anything I can do to help—with any of it.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“There is one thing.”
“What is it?”
“CJ…”
***
“Are you sure that you want to do this today?” Devon asked.
“I need to.”
“Do you want me to go with you?”
“I think I need to do this by myself.”
Devon nodded. Carrie had planned to spend a few hours cleaning out Dar’s office. She simply hadn’t been able to bring herself to do it.
“Call me if it gets to be too much,” Devon said.
“I’ll be okay, Dev. What are you up to today?”
“Shopping.”
“On Black Friday?”
“Mom is picking me up in an hour.”
Carrie folded her arms across her chest. “What are you up to?”
“I told you—shopping.”
“Uh-huh.”
“What? Come on; we have a lot of people to buy for.”
Carrie lifted he
r brow.
“We do!”
“How many Xbox games should I expect to wrap?”
“Ha-ha. A few.”
Carrie laughed. She kissed Devon on the cheek. “Have fun.”
“It’s shopping, babe—with my Mom.”
Carrie rolled her eyes. Devon was planning something. She had no idea what that something was. Devon was not one to shop and particularly not with Jillian who was the queen of shopping.
“I’d have thought your mother would’ve left at the break of dawn,” Carrie said.
“She did. She’s been out shopping for hours. I told her to get me after the chaos.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to join us?” Devon teased.
“Positive. I can’t wait to see what you come home with, though.”
“Ah… I can’t share that.”
“Well, then I guess I won’t have to wrap any of it.”
Devon shrugged. “I can wrap it.”
Carrie smirked. “I’m sure you can.” She placed one last kiss on Devon’s cheek. “I’ll see you later.”
“Carrie?” Devon pulled Carrie back. “I… Well, just… If you need me.”
Carrie smiled. “I’ll be okay.”
Devon watched as Carrie grabbed her keys, jacket and strolled through the door. You have no idea. She grinned. No idea at all.
***
Carrie sat down behind Dar’s desk. She let her eyes roam over the various pictures, gadgets, and papers that sat on its surface. She and Tom had cleaned out most of Dar’s house. After completing that task, Carrie had not been able to muster the strength to address Dar’s office. Perhaps, she just hadn’t been ready to let Dar go. Every so often, Carrie would meander down the hallway from her office to Dar’s, but she could never seem to spend much time in the space. When she entered, she could swear she felt Dar’s presence. It hurt. Her anger and disappointment with her best friend had evaporated over the months. All that was left now was a hole.
Carrie loved Devon. She adored Tom. She had become close to Devon’s parents and siblings. She kept in touch with her parents and Ford weekly. Heather had been a rock-solid friend over the years and a tremendous support after Dar’s death. And, Carrie had many other friends with whom she shared meaningful memories. Dar would always be her best friend. The place Dar held in Carrie’s heart belonged only to Dar. Carrie’s life was full. Still, there was a vacancy that no one would ever be able to fill. Carrie knew that.