by Rose Croft
We stared at each other, daring the other to make a move first. He blinked first and grinned a lopsided smile. The guy should trademark his smiles; they were truly mesmerizing. “I’m just messing with you. You know I’d never do that.” He leaned in and gave me a peck on the lips. His lips hovered over mine as he moved in again. I braced myself, not exactly on board with the PDA in front of my friend.
“Hey, Watson! You gonna take out the Jet Ski?” a guy, I think it was Mason, called from below.
“Yeah! Be right there.” Bryan rose up, pulling me with him. “Come on, let’s break you in.” My face flushed. Sometimes Bryan had a way with words.
“Have fun,” Jamie said behind me. When I turned back, she was giving me the thumbs-up sign. I rolled my eyes.
The Jet Ski was floating at the back end of the boat. “Here, put this on.” Bryan handed me a life vest and climbed onto the vessel. He helped me on as I slid in behind him, clamping my hands around his waist. “Hold on tight, Loren.” He started off slowly and then sped up as we moved further away from the boat. Each time we hit the wake from another vessel, he’d grip my hands with one of his as if to keep me securely in place. We must’ve ridden around for at least a half-hour or more, and I had to admit it was amazing. I also realized I was feeling more comfortable around Bryan, as my body was plastered against his back so I wouldn’t fall off. Occasionally, he’d whip his head back, making sure I was okay. Then he steered back toward the boat.
“See, that was fun, right?” Bryan had shut the engine off as we floated next to the boat.
“It was awesome.” My hands were still around his rock-hard abs.
“I like getting you out of your comfort zone.” He ran a hand over my outer thigh, but then paused and cursed. “I mean, not in a creepy way.”
“I know what you meant.”
“I play around a lot if you hadn’t noticed. Just tell me if I’m too offensive.” He stood up, taking my hand as he helped me back onto the boat.
“I will.” I bit my lip, bending down as I unfastened the life jacket, finding it sweet that he was trying to be a gentleman. But I also didn’t want him to feel like he had to walk on eggshells around me, either, because of what had happened with Steve. Yes, I’m thankful Bryan was there to stop him, grateful, but I also hoped he didn’t see me as some kind of needy victim.
Later, we docked by a cove on the lake. People dove off the boat or floated in the water with life jackets, holding red plastic cups in hand. Jamie and I were in the water chatting with Bryan, Mason, and others who were with us. Bryan never left my side, I’m sure much to Jamie’s chagrin because she couldn’t pump me for information.
We stayed out there for a couple of hours. Later everyone boarded the boat, and we went back to the lake house. As we walked up the dock, my flip-flop caught on a plank, and I fell, landing hard on my knee. I wasn’t the most sure-footed person. Before I had time to check the damage and right myself, Bryan knelt beside me. “Are you all right?” He had his arm around me and was studying the scrape on my kneecap.
“Yes, I skinned my knee, but I’ll live.”
Before I could stand up, he placed his arm under my legs and swept me up effortlessly. “I got you, baby girl.” He carried me cradled in his arms with my head under his chin.
“I can walk, Bryan.” I felt embarrassed, not wanting to draw attention to myself. What if he thought I weighed a ton? I didn’t want to flat-out ask him though.
“I like holding you.” His lips grazed my temple.
I blushed and glanced around as we neared the house. My eyes landed on a tall, dark, familiar figure with beautiful green eyes, but those eyes seemed furious as they were directed at me. I saw he stood with his brother, who was also scowling at me.
“Um, you can put me down now.” He gently set my feet on the ground with his arm still around me. By now we were only a few feet away from Andrew.
“Yo, Bryan, get your steroid ass over here and help me!” Mason yelled from behind us, as he struggled with something heavy. It looked like a cooler.
“Be back in a sec. Okay?” He squeezed my hip gently before trotting off. My body felt like I’d been sunburned from the heat that poured through my skin. I was embarrassed, and Andrew was…angry? I needed to talk to him.
My feet felt heavy as I trudged forward. “Hey.”
“S’up.” He jutted his chin, and his lips were pinched into a thin red line. John gave a nonchalant wave.
“Did you just get here?” I asked him. “A bunch of us went out on the boat.” I half-turned as if I needed to point to the boat behind me. Why? I don’t know. Yes, I do. Nerves…and guilt. Why should I feel guilty?
“We haven’t been here that long.” His eyes seemed pale, empty as he slowly scanned the area. “John wanted to see some of the guys.”
I nodded, scratching my arm.
“Hey, McKeon, when did your goofy ass get here?” Bryan strolled up and threw his arm over my shoulder, dragging me into his side. I wanted to pull away, but he held me tight.
I thought he was talking to Andrew, but John answered as they fist-bumped, “About an hour ago.”
“Hey, Andrew.” Bryan was civil to him, but his tone was more subdued.
“Bryan.” Andrew shifted his feet and crossed his arms. There was no smile. This was not good. This was uncomfortable. At least seeing Andrew’s cold stare at me was. Bryan didn’t seem that bothered by this. Of course, he wouldn’t be. Why would he be? My mind was running a mile a minute.
“You weren’t hitting on my girl, were you?” Oh, my God, maybe Bryan did notice the strange tension lingering in the air. I looked up, and he was smirking. But his eyes were on John, not Andrew.
John snorted and leveled a You’ve-got-to-be-a-fucking-moron expression at Bryan. “Uh, no.” He shook his head and nudged Andrew. “Let’s go, bro.”
“What? You just got here. Dude, lighten up, I was just joking.” The hand covering my shoulder signaled to the wraparound porch. “There’s beer in the cooler, and we’re about to grill some hamburgers.”
John’s solemn face shifted to his brother, making sure he was all right. Andrew still stood stiff as stone. “Thanks, man, but we gotta go.” John’s eyes moved back and forth between Bryan and me. “Later, Bryan. Loren.”
Andrew slowly followed, his eyes never leaving my face. “Bye, Scout.”
When Andrew was out of my vision, I stared at the ground, hoping it would go ahead and suck me in because I felt uneasy, horrible even. “Scout? What does that mean?” Bryan’s voice drew my attention and he watched me with brows drawn.
“We had English class together. He was teasing—you know, like Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird?”
“Okay, whatever that means.” I took it that Bryan either hadn’t read the book or just didn’t give a crap. Probably both. “Talk about someone needing to get some fucking chill. That guy walks around perpetually pissed off.” He directed me toward the porch. I was a little shocked he knew the word perpetually. “Let’s get something to drink and find some food. I’m starving.” Bryan was hungry. As usual.
As we walked to the house, my overactive brain started having stupid internal dialogues. Bryan. He was the guy, the one you thought about twenty-four/seven, right Loren? He was it. Or so I thought. You got what you wanted, girl. Yet, it didn’t feel like I was victorious. I felt like slapping myself to stop analyzing things to death. Either way, my heart was heavy, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Andrew.
Present
Mike’s viewing was a small gathering. I recognized his mom, Loretta, and his siblings. I also saw a few familiar faces from high school. I didn’t see Andrew, however. I went over to Mike’s mom and hugged her.
“Loren, it’s so good to see you. Thank you for coming. Mike always talked about you.”
“He was a dear friend and the sweetest person in the world,” I told her as we gripped hands. Loretta’s eyes were red and puffy, but she seemed sober. I felt somewhat guilty as I spoke to her, knowi
ng I hadn’t seen Mike in several years. If I had been in touch, maybe I could’ve helped him.
As we released hands, I moved to his younger brother and sister and embraced them and gave my condolences. We shared some light-hearted stories from the past about Mike.
As we reminisced, I heard Mike’s mom clasp her hands together. “I’m so glad you made it.”
When I glanced at her, I saw her hands around a tall figure with a broad back. “I’m so sorry.” His deep voice vibrated off my skin like a familiar song. Andrew.
The embrace lasted for several minutes, and Loretta shook in his arms and sniffled as though she were breaking down but trying to hide it.
“Please let me know if we can do anything,” he said.
She pulled back from the embrace and placed her hands on his face. “Thank you, Andrew. You’ve always been so thoughtful and such a good friend to Mike—even through the hard times.”
My heart raced and adrenaline flowed through my veins. Andrew was here. From behind he appeared even taller and his lanky body seemed to have filled out. As they pulled apart, he introduced the girl he was with, obviously his girlfriend or wife. Most people that I kept up with from high school were in serious relationships or married. My foolish heart was already deflating, and we hadn’t even spoken. Would he speak to me?
Since I was still standing behind them and catty-corner, I could only see that she was tall and thin and had long, wavy blond hair.
Andrew glanced around and our eyes locked for a brief second, but then his attention quickly shifted to the two people next to me. He approached them and paid his respects and introduced his companion to them, too.
Gosh, was he actually going to ignore me? I twisted my head around, scanning the room, looking for any familiar face I knew so I could go visit. It would hurt if Andrew didn’t speak to me. It was already painful that he was here with someone. What the hell did I expect? We were twenty-six; having relationships was normal.
My eyes locked on a girl that I remembered from a few classes—Crystal. I started to move in her direction.
Andrew’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “Hey, Loren.”
I pasted a smile on my face, trying to appear casual, nonchalant. “Andrew.”
We hugged like it was the thing that people were supposed to do at funerals. It was a brief hug but having his arms around me and smelling his intoxicating scent immediately took me back to being in high school. Just as I started feeling heady from good-old-day syndrome, he released me and doused that old flame when he introduced his super-hot companion. “This is Alyssa Garrett.”
She smiled widely, draped her hands on my shoulders and gave the fake kiss on both cheeks. This seemed slightly odd and pretentious. Who greeted strangers like that? Were we in Europe? She was a few inches taller than me and seemed like a giant in the stiletto heels that probably cost more than my mortgage payment.
“So, you went to high school with Andrew?” Alyssa asked.
I nodded and my face felt like it was beginning to twitch from keeping my smile in place. As I watched her, it hit me that she was a model because I’d seen her face in both magazine ads and fashion spreads. Could the rapture just go ahead and happen right now?
“We had a lot of classes together. Didn’t we, Scout?” He smirked as he spoke.
My eyes widened in surprise at the mention of my nickname. “Yes, English classes. He was a great writer, even then.”
We flashed glances at each other, his eyes unreadable, and I couldn’t help but study his face because he was gorgeous even when he scowled. His dark hair was short and styled but a little longer than the way he wore it in high school. His face was manlier, harder, and he had a little shadow on his face. He dressed more grown-up, too—in a black, tailored, buttoned-down shirt and black slacks.
I wanted to say more to him, but the words were stuck in my throat. Alyssa turned to him. “We have about thirty minutes before we need to leave to go to the airport. Do you want to pay your respects?” He nodded.
She flashed a toothy smile on command. “Nice to meet you, Lorna.”
“It’s Loren,” Andrew corrected her before I did, with eyes slightly narrowed and jaw clamped down.
“Babe, I’m sorry; you know I’m terrible with names.” She sounded a little whiny, like a teenage girl, as she shot her I’m-too-adorable-to-resist pale blues at Andrew.
I waved my hand out. “No worries. Nice to meet you, too.” I turned my eyes to Andrew, wanting to linger on him for a while even when I knew I shouldn’t. “Take care.” And, for some reason, my stomach tightened as some sort of desperation crept through me.
“You, too, Scout.” His face relaxed before he turned away with his hand on Alyssa’s lower back, guiding her around. He’d called me by my nickname again. He remembered.
I stood there alone for several moments, feeling a surge of anxiety and jealousy. I also had a sense of inadequacy and insecurity—which was ridiculous. Seriously? What the hell? I’m still acting like the girl who didn’t get invited to the party, who just wanted everyone to like her. Fucking pathetic. All those unresolved feelings from the past were rumbling in my chest, threatening to overflow. I was angry—angry at him for seeming like everything in his life was perfect, angry at my parents for never giving him a chance in the past. But most of all, angry at myself for being too much of a coward to stand up against my family and tell Andrew how I really felt. Not only angry. Just sad…very sad.
Andrew was the big-shot artist who had made it and had the arm candy to prove it. Not only had he succeeded, he appeared to have surpassed his dreams of being a freelance writer. I never followed through with my writing. I had a job copy editing auditing guides and barely made more than minimum wage. I had to pick up a second job to be able to afford my house payments, as my previous boyfriend and I had broken up when he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. In all honesty, I wasn’t as hurt as I should’ve been. I’d been pushing him away for several months prior, going through the motions of a relationship. Like all the other times I’d dated since Andrew, nothing ever worked out.
As I saw Andrew and Alyssa standing in front of the casket, I grew panicky. I hadn’t viewed Mike’s body. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to remember him that way. I had to step outside and get some air and maybe have a smoke—something I rarely did but had started in college.
Standing in a corner, I lit my cigarette. The first puff made me cough. As I gazed around the parking lot and took another drag, I heard footsteps. I backed into the corner, hoping no one would see me. But I had no such luck.
Andrew approached and eyed the cigarette in my hand. The look he shot me seemed a little accusatory, but he said nothing. He leaned against the wall of the building, an unlit cigarette dangling between his fingers.
I ducked my head, pretending to study something interesting on the sidewalk, and I held the cigarette behind my back, embarrassed. I heard the spark of a lighter and an indrawn breath. Soon, we stood in silence like still-life images as smoke billowed around us. I awkwardly twisted my head to take a quick drag. I think Andrew might’ve snickered.
“This is fucked up.” His voice finally broke the stillness, drawing my attention.
“I know.” I took another drag, studying him as he stared out into the parking lot. I still couldn’t believe the man of my dreams was standing next to me.
“How would you know?” He pushed off from the wall, shaking me out of my fantasy.
I drew my chin in, confused. “What’s that supposed to mean, Andrew?”
“You know what it means. You probably haven’t seen Mike in years because your fab life was just too time-consuming.”
My eyes grew wide in amazement. How would he know that? Had he been keeping tabs on me? I wanted to know, but instead I felt my defenses go up. “Wow! This is really happening right now. A good friend of ours has died, and instead of reminiscing about happier times, you’d rather give me shit about not seeing him enough. I don’t need this today.” I sto
mped out my cigarette and stormed off.
“Wait,” he called out and a deep breath escaped him.
I pulled up and turned back to face him, uncertain of what he would say next. I didn’t want to argue with him. That was the last thing I wanted to have happen.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he said quietly as he ran his hands through his hair. He took a step closer. “I’m…having trouble coming to grips with this. I just saw him two weeks ago. He came to visit me in Austin.” His voice broke as he spoke. “I wish I had been there that day he…maybe…I…” He covered his eyes with one hand, appearing to be reining in his emotions.
Tears welled up in my eyes from the realization that Mike was gone, and it pained my heart to see Andrew’s suffering. “I’m so sorry. I feel horrible that I didn’t see him before he…” I covered my mouth with one hand to stifle my sobs and held out my other hand helplessly. When I caught a steady breath, I asked, “Was he using when you saw him?”
He shook his head, took a deep drag and exhaled. “No, I don’t think so, but he’d just gotten out of rehab.”
I swiped at my eyes and stared out into the night. “I didn’t even know he had a problem.”
“At first, it was just recreational. Hell, we’d partied together a few times in the past. But in the last few years, it became obvious he’d moved on to the harder stuff. Eventually he lost his job, his car and his house. That was one of the reasons he came to visit me after rehab. He was trying to start over and asked me if I would help him get back on his feet.” He took another drag.
Speechless, I shook my head and hugged myself. You’re right, Andrew. I didn’t know all this because I’d lost touch. I was silently berating myself when he closed the distance between us. “Are you cold?” he asked, as he slid his hands up and down my arms to warm me up. It was natural for him to comfort me. It was as though we were back in his parents’ house watching a movie while we were as close as two people could be.
It was a warm night in May, but his touch made my skin tingle. He had to have sensed my reaction because he looked like he wanted to tell me something. I’d never know what that might be, however, because Alyssa appeared. Maybe it was just my imagination that he needed to talk to me.