Rosanne Bittner

by Paradise Valley

  The next thing Maggie knew, Sage excused himself to wash up. He asked where he should sleep giving no indication he had any intention of sleeping with Maggie. He looked tired, and Maggie had a feeling he was more worn out from emotions than from what he’d been through, then the long ride to get back here. He retired without another word.

  Maggie made herself busy helping Sarah clean up and took food to the bunkhouse for the men there. Her mind raced with all kinds of scenarios of what Sage intended to do, how he felt, what would happen when they reached Paradise Valley. Did he still love her, or did he have no feelings at all? Did he see her differently now? It surely had been difficult enough loving her after knowing how the outlaws abused her, but he’d accepted that and understood… loved her anyway.

  Now that he knew she was carrying a baby that belonged to one of them, this was something altogether different. And to have kept it a secret was, to someone like Sage, probably unforgivable. She’d been dishonest, which was the worst choice she could have made, after what he went through with Joanna.

  When she finished helping Sarah, she decided she’d try to sleep. Knowing Sage, he’d want to leave the minute the sun was up enough to see the way. She’d better get some rest. She went to her bedroom, which was right across the hall from Sage’s. How she wished he’d sneak into her room later, come to her bed, and profess how much he still loved her, then take her into his arms and make love to her, promise to keep her with him forever once they reached Paradise Valley.

  She went to bed, tossed and turned and waited… but he didn’t come. The next thing she knew the sun was up, and it was time to leave.

  Forty-five

  Three days of riding helped calm two hearts. Hole-In-The-Wall was only a few days from Paradise Valley, so the worst of their journey over the long summer was nearly finished. Maggie thought how they’d actually made a huge circle as they chased Jasper and the others, heading south, then west and north, now south again.

  Sage remained caring and attentive, but he’d made no effort to discuss the baby or any final decisions he’d made. Maggie felt his quiet, unspoken love, but she knew the stubborn, confused side of Sage Lightfoot was bent on making sure he never allowed himself to be hurt or used again. He’d made no move toward anything physical, and she knew part of the reason was his indecision about her condition… let alone the fact that a woman he’d once loved fiercely was likely waiting at the end of their journey.

  They’d ridden in relative silence, except for small talk, mostly about Sage being anxious over how things were at the ranch. He’d never been gone this long, and the ranch meant everything to him. At night he slept beside her protectively, his rifle close by. He let her lie against him because she felt safe there, and she loved him for it. But he’d gone no farther than a solid hug. When Maggie removed her dress at night to sleep in her slips and camisole, she felt Sage watching her. She could only hope he still wanted her. She knew that if danger presented itself, he’d die for her. The deep scar across his left cheek where Jasper’s bullet had come close to killing him proved that. There would always be that scar on that handsome face to show the courage and skill it had taken for him to come after her, but she would never forget the look on his face when Jasper shouted the words… “She’s carryin’, Lightfoot! It’s my kid or maybe Jimmy’s—or Cleve’s!” Maggie understood the burden that had thrown on Sage’s heart. Accepting her meant accepting a child spawned by one of the men he’d hated and killed. That might always come between them.

  Mid-morning of the fourth day found them riding through yellow grass that was belly-high to the horses. The air hung too quiet, today’s wind soft and gentle. The only sound was the occasional snort from one of the horses. They crested a hill that led down into a sprawling valley of deep green grass splattered with wildflowers of white and gold, red and purple.

  Maggie drank in the explosion of color. She felt as though she and Sage were riding into a grand painting only the likes of God could create. As the stronger wind in the valley moved across the blades of grass, the prairie undulated rhythmically in waves of dark and light green.

  “Sage, it’s beautiful!” Maggie commented, halting her horse to look. She glanced at him as he lit a thin cigar and studied the valley below. She thought how handsome he looked today, how strong and fitting he was for this land, how well he sat on a horse, how brave he could be when necessary. He was more man than she’d ever known… and it broke her heart to think she still might lose him.

  “That scene is why I call this place Paradise Valley,” he answered. “It’s so fitting. It feels good to finally be…”

  Did she dare say it? “Home,” she finished.

  Sage smoked quietly for a moment then faced her. “It sure does. It will be another day before we reach the house, but this is part of the ranch… the north section.” He turned to scan the horizon. “I guess the boys decided to let the grass in this area get plenty tall before they bring the cattle here. You need to save certain areas in case of drought.” He faced her again. “There’s a lot to running a ranch, Maggie.”

  What did he mean? Did he want her to learn? Did he mean to keep her here? “I figured that out in the short time I was here before.” She turned away, fighting an urge to cry. “Sage, we need to talk before we get to the ranch house.”

  Sage kept watching the horizon. “I know,” he answered with a deep sigh.

  “Whatever you’ve decided, I love you, no matter if you turn me out or not. If you do, I guess I’ll understand, but I intend to have this baby… and love it. It’s a tiny, innocent being who will never know how he or she was conceived because I’ll never tell. I’d hoped—”

  “You hoped you could marry me and let the child think I’m the father,” Sage finished for her. He met her gaze. “Maybe you wanted me to think I am the father.”

  She closed her eyes with a sigh and shook her head. “Never! My God, Sage, you should know me better than that by now.”

  “Yeah, well, I thought I knew Joanna pretty well too.”

  Maggie stiffened. “I am not Joanna and never will be. I already told you that I never intended to mislead you. I was scared to tell you, not simply because I was afraid you’d leave me behind, but more because you might react exactly the way you are now. You’d think I meant to trick you, but that’s never been the reason I said I loved you. I love you for the man you are, and I’ve grown to love this land in a way I never thought possible. It’s like you—wild and dangerous, but there’s something about it that ropes you in like a wild horse and makes you love it. It makes you want to stay here and tame it and prove to yourself that you can survive out here. And I think I have proven that.”

  Maggie was unable to hide her tears then. She quickly wiped them and took a deep breath to keep from breaking down. “I don’t want to live without you, but I’ll give it a try, if it means staying with any man who can’t accept the child I’m carrying. I won’t let him or her grow up feeling unloved and unwanted.”

  Sage swung a leg around his saddle horn and sat nearly sideways, facing her. “You should have told me straight out, Maggie. I feel like a fool, worrying about not using protection because I was afraid of getting you pregnant—and there you were, already carrying.”

  Maggie closed her eyes. “You wouldn’t have taken me with you if you knew. And then, we never would have fallen in love. I never would have known what it’s like to want the man who’s making love to me.”

  For a few tense seconds, the only sound was the soft rushing of the rippling grass as the wind brushed it.

  “Maggie, I still love you,” Sage finally told her.

  Her heart raced at the words, but she was afraid of what would follow.

  “But this whole thing about the baby—a man needs to think, that’s all,” he continued. “It makes no difference in my love for you, but it’s like you said—you don’t want to be with a man who can’t love and accept that baby. When we talked about marrying awhile back, we decided we wanted to make sur
e it was for all the right reasons. Remember that?”

  “I remember.”

  “Well, now that’s more important than ever. I want you to be real sure you aren’t just wanting a man that baby can call a father, and I want to make sure I can be a good father. Hell, even if it were mine, I’d be doubting myself. Of all the things I’ve been through, this is the first that really scares me.”

  The remark surprised Maggie. “Scares you?”

  “Hell, yes. I’d rather face that grizzly again. How do I know I could do right by the kid when I’m so full of resentment for my own father—for the way the people I thought of as parents kicked me out? And with the life I’ve led, how can I be a good example to any kid, even my own?”

  Maggie could hardly believe what she was hearing. Doubts about himself were bothering him more than doubts about her. “Sage, you’d make a wonderful father. You already told me you wanted to have a family. And it’s because of your own disappointments that you’d make a good father. You’d never want a child to suffer what you suffered.”

  He looked over the valley again. “Maggie, I’ve robbed and killed and whored around, and I come from two different worlds. I don’t belong in either. What kind of an example would I be for that kid?”

  Did that mean he really could care for this child once it was born? “You can teach a child about honesty and bravery and how to be strong and survive. And because you’ve seen and done so much, you’re wiser than most men, able to show a child all the right ways to live his or her life. You, of all men, can teach a child about love and loyalty… and how to be proud no matter what his heritage or background. This baby is innocent, Sage—just like you were innocent when those missionaries took you in.”

  Sage smashed out his smoke against his canteen. “You’re right in a lot of ways, but that life in your belly brings out all the natural, motherly love and instinct in you. But me… it’s hard for a man to understand that kind of feeling, especially for some other man’s child. Maggie, if I take in you and that baby, it would only be right to fully adopt the child as mine, which means the kid would one day inherit some of this. That’s like giving a piece of everything I’ve worked for to the men who put us through all that hell and stole from me. I need to get it straight in my head. Can you understand?”

  Maggie nodded. “Of course, I can. But I have a feeling that once this little girl or boy walks up and calls you daddy, you’ll turn into a bowl of pudding.”

  Sage smiled sadly. It was good to see him smile, even though not with great joy.

  “I can only promise that I’d never be mean to the child. I’m a man who goes all out in whatever he does, so if I take in that baby, I’ll be a real father. I know how it feels to be unloved and abandoned. I wouldn’t wish that on any kid.”

  Maggie still wasn’t sure how much to hope for. “Are you saying I can stay? That we can be together?”

  “I’m saying I have a lot of things to consider, and that I love you. I need to know I love you enough to accept your child.” He faced her. “Let’s get down to the ranch and spend time living like normal folks again before we make up our minds. For that baby’s sake, and yours too, we have to make the right decision.”

  He wants to see Joanna first, Maggie thought, pain stabbing her heart. After all they’d been through, Joanna Hawkins Lightfoot was the last big test, perhaps something harder to face than a gang of outlaws, or the fact that the woman he loved was carrying another man’s child.

  “Fine,” Maggie told him. “I can accept that.”

  “And you have to consider, Maggie, that I can be pretty violent. This land is unsettled, and there could be more trouble like what happened with Jasper and them. Men like me tend to make enemies… dangerous enemies. Life isn’t easy out here. Staying with me means signing up for possibly more trouble.”

  “I’ve already seen some of the worst, Sage. It doesn’t frighten me.”

  He looked her over thoughtfully. “I guess it wouldn’t, would it? When I first left this place to find those men, I never expected to come across the likes of you. You’re not like any woman I’ve known, but I was fresh off the hurt Joanna caused me. You were so different… the strongest, most honest and outspoken woman I’ve ever met.” His smile faded. “Can you understand why it hurt so much to find out you were pregnant and never told me—why the first thing I thought of was that you pretended to love me, so you could claim the kid was mine?”

  “Of course, I understand. I wanted to savor every moment before I had to tell you.”

  Sage moved his leg over the saddle. “Let’s get to the ranch house and settle other matters. We have a lot to think about and talk about.”

  “I already know what I want, Sage. I want to be with you forever, but more than that, I want you to be happy.”

  He adjusted his hat against the sun. “You deserve to be happy too.” He headed into the valley.

  Maggie tried to picture him riding out of her life. The pain in her chest was almost unbearable. She took a deep breath and let the wind and sun bathe her in their warmth before she adjusted and retied her bonnet, following Sage into the valley… toward what she hoped to someday call home.

  Forty-six

  Hank Toller came riding out to meet Maggie and Sage as they made their way carefully through a huge herd of steer. The ranch house was in sight now, a lazy wisp of smoke meandering from its stone chimney. Maggie breathed deeply of cattle and horses, ranch smells that some might find offensive. To her, they meant security, love, brave men, and a big, solid home nestled in a spectacular green valley surrounded by purple mountains.

  “Boss!” Toller rode closer, looking the same as when they’d left—bristly beard, sweat-stained Stetson, checkered shirt and denim pants, guns on hips.

  Another man from nowhere, with no background, probably an outlaw’s past no one knows about. Maggie thought how there was probably nothing left to learn about someone that would surprise her.

  “You’ve got company,” Hank told Sage.

  Maggie’s heartbeat quickened. She could tell by the tone of Hank’s voice that he didn’t like the “company” he spoke of.

  Sage adjusted his hat. “Damn,” he muttered. “I figured we might. How long has she been here?”

  “Must be six weeks now, boss. She’s been cleanin’ and she sewed and put up curtains and settled herself in like you two was still—” He hesitated, glancing at Maggie. “Ma’am.” He nodded. “Glad to see you made it back okay.”

  “Thank you, Hank.”

  “Good to see the two of you,” Hank answered. “For as long as you’ve been gone, and from the looks of that bruise on your face, Maggie, and the scabbed-up scar on Sage’s, you two have been through hell.” He turned his attention to Sage again. “Did you get ’em?”

  “I got them, all right.”

  Three other ranch hands trotted their horses among the cattle several yards away. One of them whistled for attention and waved his hat at Sage. “Good to see you back, boss!”

  It was Julio. Maggie truly felt as though she’d come home, and it infuriated her to know Joanna was here, keeping house as though she and Sage were still married. She had no doubt that’s what Hank started to say, before he realized maybe he shouldn’t.

  Sage took a cigarette Hank offered him and lit it. The two men sat there for a while, smoking, talking about the roundup, the condition of the cattle, how soon they’d make the drive south to meet the cattle cars headed for Omaha, what the price of beef might be.

  Julio and Joe Cable rode closer then, greeted Sage, shook his hand, and nodded to Maggie. She could tell both men were anxious to know how things went, and they were probably wondering about Maggie and Sage, what they’d been through, if anything romantic had taken place.

  “You got somebody waitin’ for ya,” Joe told Sage.

  “I’m aware of that,” Sage answered. Maggie couldn’t tell if he was glad or angry.

  “Bill rode down to let her know you’re back.”

  Two
more men rode up then, all happy to see Sage back home. Sage got his horse into motion, and the five men ambled their horses through the valley toward the house, while Sage answered a barrage of questions.

  Joe turned his horse and came back to ride beside Maggie. “You doin’ okay, ma’am?”

  “It was a pretty rough journey, Joe,” Maggie answered. “Thanks for asking.”

  “You must be some woman, sticking out that whole trip with Sage. From that bruise on your face—things wasn’t easy on you.”

  “It wasn’t easy for either of us.”

  “Did you get your money back?” Hank asked Sage.

  Sage kept the cigarette at the corner of his mouth. “It’s a long story, Hank. I’ll tell you sometime over coffee, but not now.” He watched the house. “I apparently have some important things to take care of first.”

  Apparently, Maggie thought. She wished she’d been able to clean up before meeting the infamous Joanna Hawkins Lightfoot. Here she was wearing a plain blue dress that was dirty around the hemline. Her hair was twisted into a simple bun, upon which sat a floppy straw hat to keep her face shaded, so she wouldn’t get even more freckles. She needed a bath, needed to feel cream on her skin. She wished she could look as nice as she’d looked the night of that dance back in Atlantic City.

  She drank in the scene before her as though this might be the last time she saw it… the wide, green valley… grazing cattle scattered as far as the eye could see… the sun lighting up the surrounding purple mountains… the feel of a gentle summer wind. Right now, it all smelled wonderful. She thought about how Sage smelled—tobacco and leather and sunshine and prairie wind.

  How could she ever say good-bye to him or this land?

  “Shit,” Joe commented under his breath.