Your Little Secret

by Cooper, Bethan

  “You’re a big boy now, you don’t need little Amber’s approval,” she told Ethan with a grin. “But I will tell you now, if she dare act like the stuck up bitch she did in Uni and expect you to wait on her hand and foot, I will slap her first then punch you.”

  “Me?” Ethan asked, hurt by the motivated attack.

  “You’re not a doormat,” Amber pointed out and smirked, giving a wink to go with her sarcastic insult. “You don’t let her walk all over you. You show her you want a proper relationship filled with mutual decisions, equal feelings and joint duties. She needs to prove to you this isn’t a repeat of Uni.” She looked at him daringly. “I dare see her pulling rank and I’m putting a stop to it.”

  “Are you getting protective?” he asked her, a smirk on his face.

  “Yes,” she told him gently. “I only want what’s best for you. I only ever want that.”

  Getting up, Amber got up to leave the room, but Ethan grabbed her hand and stood up, pulling her back at him. She had intended to get him extra bedding so they could get some sleep, but that seemed to go out of the window the moment she caught the look in his eyes that sent shivers up her spine.

  He slammed her into wall by the door and kissed her. He kept her pinned, their kiss fast and pressured as they both gave in and then Ethan stopped. He pulled away and looked at her, his breathing heaving like hers.

  “I should get home,” he told her, unable to look her in the eyes. He then backed away, freeing her from his body and just walked out of the house.

  Amber was right – hearts were meant to break.

  Running after him, seduced and bemused by his assault she followed him down the pavement barefoot and drunk. "Ethan, wait!" Not knowing she was following him he stopped dead in his tracks.

  "Go back inside, Amber, please, I can't lose you and I've just ruined any chance I ever had. So please, just go away." Feeling the tears build against the dam, she cracked under the pressure.

  "You don't know what you're saying, Ethan, please just talk to me."

  Turning fast on his heel, his face looked bleak. "Amber," he warned, walking fast towards her. Stopping inches from her face he leaned his forehead against hers. "Forget what I just did in there, you probably will anyway. Just forget it, Amber please, I can't lose you."

  Feeling the dampness against his cheek as she stroked her fingers along it, she looked into his broken eyes. "What do you want, Ethan? Tell me." Sniffing loudly he pulled away and pulled his hands to his head. Running his hands through his hair he shook his head at her.

  "You have been blinded by this for so long, Amber. I've loved you forever." Swallowing hard Amber took a step back. "You and me, we can't be together, we just can't. Yeah, I adore every single fucking thing about you, you are the reason I live in this shitty area. Without you, I would be long gone by now. Yes, we slept together at University, but what did that matter to you? You were with Connor before I could even ask about anything else." She couldn't help it, the ball was there and she let out such a loud booming laugh.

  "Connor," she said nodding her head and biting her lip hard. "Fucking Connor, Ethan? Are you stupid?" Walking back towards her front gate she shook her head. "You believe that, that's fine. Consider me lost." When those last three words left her mouth she covered her mouth with her hand. Tears came unbidden and fast and Ethan ran back down the street towards the girl he loved.

  "Tell me now!" He roared in her face and she sobbed into her hand. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and demanded eye contact. "Ambi, tell me." He said stroking the hot tears away from her cheeks.

  "Eva." She whispered through aching sobs. "Eva, told me you slept with her. That same day. That same night. Please, I can't." Pushing herself away from him he just held her tightly trying to accept this information.

  "I didn't sleep with Eva then, Amber. God you must think I'm such a dick."

  Letting his arms wrap around her she felt her body shiver through the cold Yorkshire air and he hushed softly into her hair. She let him hold her and she felt truly sated with him. Connor was a distant thought in her mind as Ethan's fingers drifted slowly up and down her back, keeping her calm. Once the tears had stopped she pulled away slightly and let him kiss her forehead.

  "I'm gonna go home. You go back in there, and sleep. I'll see you then okay? Text me, call me, whatever. Don't let it be Lucy again, just you okay?" Nodding her head she kissed his cheek and he leaned into her so they were forced to embrace again. Pulling away Ethan walked to his car and she watched him drive away.

  Walking back into her cold home, she ran up the stairs to bury herself under the duvet. Ethan did want her. He always did. Lies that were told then changed everything. This was all Eva's fault. If she wasn't feeling sorry for herself the night after her first time with Ethan, she would have never met Connor.

  Connor's face flooded her mind and she thought about all the reasons why she loved him, and she did so much more than anyone could ever feel. Love was supposed to survive distance, yet here she was, feeling unbidden, unwanted feelings for the man who always saved her, when he was working hard to give them a better life in London.

  She traced her finger along her lower lip, remembering Ethan's kiss and pulled out her Laptop from under the bed. Logging on, she logged onto her usual Facebook and stared at the blue and white features for a moment. Desperate to see Ethan's face she clicked on his profile and scanned his photos. His albums were filled with times they had spent together.

  'Me and Ambi at the Zoo, Amber's 22nd birthday, Trip to Paris, Fun in the sun'. There were just so many memories.

  Scanning through every album on her page, she smiled at the man who took so many photos with her. Looking at one where he had smeared ice-cream on her face she laughed at her expression. She was looking at Ethan with pure disgust and his hand was wiping it away from her lip.

  Even now, that shouldn't make her feel the hope of it, of him, of them. Scanning his profile she found his much recent 'In a relationship' status and smirked at Eva's face. Shit, she was probably ruining that for Ethan now. Eva's latest post read 'Love You Baby.' And Amber felt the bile rise to her throat. Really? It was love already? Shutting the laptop screen down hard she curled up in bed, trying to find some much needed sleep.

  Except the sleep never came, the minutes transcended into yet more sleeplessness and she just found herself falling more and more into a pool of confusion. It was like one half of her heart was whispering for her to love Connor, whilst the other told her to follow Ethan. She never knew love could be so hard, but right now it was the hardest thing in her life and she was suffocating.

  And now, as she lay in the near pitch-dark room, the thudding of her heart wrecked her hearing. Amber just couldn’t stop thinking about everything that had happened. From drinking her weight in alcohol to crying over boys, Amber was sure she had lost her mentality somewhere along the line.

  Throwing her arms over her eyes she blackened her view even more and just lay there, her head buzzing and she just let her thoughts run wild, but there was one thing it all came back to. Her thoughts travelled back to seeing those Facebook messages from Eva on Ethan’s wall. The realisation that hit Amber was a force from hell and she actually felt her heart cease beating.

  There were going to be four broken heart breaks now. This love triangle just gained an extra side and its name was ‘Eva Pinder’. Amber had to laugh at the irony; here she was thinking her life was bad enough being trapped in a love triangle when really she was trapped in a love square now.

  And there was still that bitter question even if irony was running wild – Connor or Ethan? Connor or Ethan?

  Connor or Ethan?

  What did it simmer down to? The guy that left, that picked her up to drop her from a glorious height, or the guy that stayed and picked her up once she hit rock bottom? She had no clue. She knew for most it wouldn’t be that hard to make a decision. Most would pick Ethan the sensible one, the caring one, the one that stayed in this shitty town for her, b
ut a part of her heart still sung for Connor. She was trapped in this lover’s hell and there was no getting free until the very last moment. By which time it could be more than a little late.

  Frustration grew in Amber and she picked herself up off of the bed and stomped her way to the bathroom. Once there she flicked the switch and looked at herself in the mirror before turning on one of the taps and splashing her face with water. Her alcoholism was going to kill her one day if she didn’t slow down. She knew this was getting ridiculous. She never used to drown her sorrows; she confronted them, killed them, and moved on. Right now she had an inclination to pondering too long and falling even deeper.

  Taking one last look at herself, Amber headed back to bed where she literally just threw herself down upon the mattress and huffed. Throwing the quilt over her head, Amber prayed for sleep and no hangover.

  Chapter Eight

  "You still sound like shit," Ethan teased as she sat in the staffroom on her break. This Monday was dying a slow death. "Do you actually have a pulse or is that gone?"

  Checking her wrist jokingly she giggled down the phone. "Nope, still there." Taking a bite of the sausage sandwich in front of her she pleasured in its taste. "This is so good," she muttered through a mouth of food.

  "You're making me jealous, sounds so good."

  "Why don't you come take a bite?" She asked. She felt her flirtatious side come from nowhere and stopped chewing as she waited for his response.

  "You know I would, but here I am, stuck at work all day, like you." The awkward silence fills the phone line and Ethan coughs gently. "So, Miss, tomorrow. Do you want chocolate or your usual Victoria sponge cake?" Smiling at her best friends words she twirled a lock of hair through her fingers.

  "Cake huh? Well if this hangover lasts until then I'll eat the whole thing." Hearing her best friend laugh loudly down the phone her boss entered the room and ruined her pleasant phone call with Ethan. As she gestured to come back to work she sighed down the phone. "Listen Ethan, I'll see you tomorrow okay. Call me when you're on your way or whatever."

  "Okay, see you then, and, Amber?"

  "Yeah?" she replied, curious to what he had to say next.

  "No alcohol tonight, okay?" Feeling his protective side come over him she smiled.

  "No alcohol, cross my heart and hope to die."

  "No dying either, babe, see you tomorrow." Hearing the line go dead she set off back to work to drown her sorrows in other people’s problems.

  ***

  With her hangover still kicking at her heels, Amber was more than happy to press her key to the lock and hideaway. Pulling off her uniform one item at a time until she was just in her underwear, she threw it all in the washing machine and opened the fridge for something to ravish on. Sod normal food, it was Chinese on the cards for tonight. Running upstairs to have a quick shower she rang the fast food company and spent ten minutes relishing in the hot water. Hearing the doorbell, disturbing her shower, she threw on a dressing gown and stumbled as she opened the front door. To her surprise, looking better than ever was the piercing brown eyes she hated so much.

  Eva.

  “Err,” Amber started to say, confusion rushing through her body. “Can I help you?”

  “Yup,” Eva chimed and barged into Amber’s house, leaving her stood there, stock still and in complete shock overhaul.

  “Come in,” Amber said as she threw the door closed, deliberately letting it slam shut. Suddenly feeling the shock dispersed, Amber turned to face Eva, “What can I actually do you for, Eva?” she asked, sarcasm lacing her words along with her perplexity.

  “I’m actually here for what you can do for me,” Eva began to say, her eyes roaming the hallway. She was taking in the sorry state, the peeling walls, the mildew on the ceiling and she let a little laugh escape at the mess this place was. Finally setting her eyes upon Amber, she smiled sweetly. “I’ll make myself at home somewhere in here whist you go and get changed. We need to discuss a few things.”

  Heading upstairs, Amber couldn’t miss the ball of dread that was in her stomach. This couldn’t end well. Sure, her and Eva were now Facebook friends after Amber decided to put pettiness aside and just add her, but that didn’t constitute for them being immediate BFF’s and she, admittedly, never wanted to be best friends with someone like Eva. It was why she was so close to Ethan – Eva’s direct opposite.

  Grabbing her underwear she quickly pulled them on and reached for a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, Amber pulled them on before searching for a top to put on. She didn’t want to leave Eva waiting longer than she had to right now. She could already feel Eva’s eyes judging her home already, making mental comments on how disgusting Amber’s living environment was.

  “It’s quite some place,” Eva said as she barely sat on the armchair.

  “What is you want, Eva?” Amber asked outright, not even bothering to sit. If she had it her way, Eva would be heading out of the door relatively quickly.

  “I want you to stay away from Ethan,” Eva began to speak, her hands sat in her lap as she kept herself on the edge of the seat, trying not to let too much of the worn settee touch her. “When I say that, I mean it. I want you to have nothing else to do with him. Let him live a decent life and let him leave with me to go to London.”

  Amber felt her lungs stop inhaling air then. London? Ethan was moving to London? How had he not spoken to her about this? Amber tried to remain in control of her emotions, but she was panicking and nausea was building up rapid in her throat. What was the goddamn deal with London?

  “We both have potential jobs. It will put him good stead for a life. I mean, he has the money to have the finer things in life, but he chooses to stay here. He chooses to stay here even though this job is everything he has ever dreamed of,” Eva spoke with a sickly sweet voice. Each one of her words was meant as a jab at Amber and she could see it working. “Don’t you think he deserves all the best things in life?”

  “Yes,” Amber answered almost automatically because Ethan did. He deserved the perfect job, the perfect woman and the perfect life. He deserved it all. Looking to Eva, Amber broke her own heart with her next question, “When does he have to decide by?”

  Smiling, Eva relaxed a little, “End of the week. By which time he’ll have to decide and pack up and literally go. I think it’s best you spend tomorrow with him as your last little hurrah don’t you?”

  And selflessly Amber agreed. She thought of nothing else, but Ethan getting the finest things in life, he deserved them, worked hard for them. “After tomorrow night, I’ll cut back,” she looked directly Eva in the eyes as she took a deep breath. “I’ll tell him to take the job.”

  “Goodie!” Eva said and literally jumped to her feet. “I knew you’d understand that Ethan is destined for riches and that this dump will only hinder him. I’ll make sure you get an invite to our wedding because I know, just know that he is getting ready to pop the question!”

  She couldn’t reply as Eva made a quick exit, leaving no room for Amber to argue back. Following her a little too late, the door slammed closed and Amber just stood there, emotionless. What had she just done? As she put her hand to the door, she turned slightly and slipped down the wall. It was supposed to be her birthday tomorrow, a day to celebrate. Now it was singed with the essence of a bittersweet doom. Putting her head in her hands she cried shamelessly into her palms. She had just agreed to cut Ethan from her life and allow him to leave her as well. Connor had gone by no fault of his own, but to get a better life for them. Now Ethan was going because he wanted to, because this was the job that could well make his career.

  She didn’t move from her spot by the front door, the draft catching her as it whistled from under the gap between the doorframe. She didn’t care. She just sat, staring ahead emotionless. The only thing that broke her trance was when the door opened and slammed into her and she looked up to see Ethan pushing his way into her house.

  “What the hell are you doing down there, Ambi?”


  Jumping to her feet she couldn't help the overwhelming feelings she felt for Ethan at this moment. She pulled him harshly into her arms and just held onto him as if for her life.

  "Hey, what's wrong, Amber?" Pulling away and looking up into her best friends beautiful blue eyes she released a deep shuddering breath.

  "Nothing," she whispered and he followed her into the living room. Sitting on her sofa, she hugged her knees and just stared at the white crumbling wall. Ducking down to her eye level Ethan held her hands.

  "Hey, little Ambi, tell me what's wrong."

  Shaking her head profusely at him she sighed and smiled a gentle smile. "You know you're the only best friend I've ever had right? And I know we had a moment yesterday, but I could never lose you, Ethan. You're my optimal too." Grinning at her, he kissed her knuckles individually and rested his head against the back of her hand.

  "You're like the sausage to my mash, Amber," letting out a laugh he continued, "You make my day, even if it's just our daily text or phone call, I look forward to talking to you. I know I'm with Eva now, and it's going great. She's really changed. But I could never choose between you and her, because it would always be you, Amber, always."

  Amber rose to her feet when she heard the doorbell go. Feeling dread in the pit of her stomach she hoped it wasn't Eva again. Opening the door she saw a deliveryman with her dinner. Paying him and taking the white bag, she wandered back into the living room and dished up her Chinese.

  "Ah, Amber, I'm so jealous. Can you not hear my stomach? Seriously." Rolling her eyes at her best friend she wandered into the kitchen and pulled out a plate from the cupboard and a large bottle of coke from the fridge. Finishing their food, Amber sat cross-legged on the floor and turned on the TV. She tried her absolute hardest to ignore the man sat beside her. When his fingers started to crawl over her shoulders she couldn't relax. A flutter of butterfly's erupted within her and she couldn't keep the nerves at bay. His arm laid across her shoulders and his fingers drew little patterns on her bare skin. She couldn't stop the goose bumps from forming across her body, and it was all because of Ethan.