Your Little Secret

by Cooper, Bethan

  When he let her go, the breathlessness and lust in her eyes proved that he had succeeded.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Amber stared at the passing world as her headphones snuggled into her ear a Passenger sang to her about letting go. The train rumbled beneath her and an old man sat opposite, his concentration buried into a crossword puzzle. Her finger traced the outline of her wedding finger and she felt that with something there, she's claimed. She doesn't have a choice when it comes to being herself.

  Giving yourself through marriage is a sacred act, she can't do that to Connor, or to Ethan. Opening her bag at her feet she pulled out this week’s heat magazine and scanned the latest celebrity lives.

  Ethan and Connor. She would forever be cursed for finding herself in this position. She couldn't break up Eva and Ethan. They had only just got back together, and she wasn't that conniving or selfish. Her and Ethan had committed a selfish act and after they had returned to those who loved them. They were the bad ones. The ones that committed adultery. She hadn't seen Ethan since she left his house that night to be with Eva.

  The guilt she felt with Connor was real; it was tearing her in half. It lingered through her, cursing her veins in attempt to make her break. The tears came unexpected and Amber dashed them away with the back of her hand, pulling her hoodies’ hood further over to cover her face. She felt a hand touch her fingers that were resting on the table in front of her. The old man smiled and Amber pulled out her headphones as he spoke to her.

  "Young lady, what are you crying for?" Shaking her head through a smile Amber looked longingly into the old man’s eyes, desperate to understand his kindness.

  "A lot of things," she said through a smile. "Love, destiny, choice."

  The old man shrugged and smiled at her, his lips crinkling at the sides. "Y'know darling, when I was your age, I was married to the love of my life. Delilah her name was. Beautiful lady, hair the colour of the sun, eyes the colour of the ocean. We met after I had finished my time at war. She was 20 and I was 25. She was beautiful; the absolute best part of me. I lost her, of course, to cancer. That disease, I call it Gods punishment, it follows us. The good ones always go first though. She was buying sweets for her younger brother when I stumbled into her outside the shop in Thornton. You know where Thornton is?" Nodding her head the man continued. "Well, she stumbled into me, I remember the sun was shining that day and her hair was in curls. She smiled up at me, the freckles across her cheeks asking to be kissed. I apologised and kissed the back of her hand. And nothing came of it for a while, before I saw her in the village again a few days later. She asked me to go to a dance with her. I said yes, and we got married not long after. She was my life. And now, I travel to and from London visiting my son, until my day finds me and I join her in heaven. My beloved."

  Amber couldn't help the emotion build inside her for the man, she wanted to hold him.

  "That's a beautiful story," she told him as he offered her a mint. Taking one, she unwrapped it and put it in her mouth. "What's your name sir?" Amber asked politely sucking on her humbug.

  "Arthur. And you?"

  "Amber."

  The journey was no longer sad, as her and Arthur spoke of love and loss until they both separated at Leeds train station. He had made her day, made her realise that there is more to life then pain, happiness can come too.

  “You look like you’re in a little struggle with yourself,” Lucy’s voice burst into Amber’s hearing making her spin on her spot.

  Amber said nothing; she just flung herself into her best friend’s arms and hugged her tightly. She had never been happier to see Lucy, but having someone like Lucy here right now, she knew that by the time she reached her house she would know how to sort this muddle.

  “Whoa, girl!” Lucy exclaimed issuing a quick squeeze before literally peeling Amber off her body to look at her. “Well, London definitely agreed with you!” She watched Amber blush, “Now let’s get you home because I have a date with my man, then a date with you.”

  “A date with Ben or Mark?” Amber asked casually as Lucy literally dragged her through the station and out into the fresh air.

  “Ben, Mark got boring. I think Ben’s a keeper,” Lucy babbled as she remained unstoppable. “Anyway, any gossip? You look like you’re in a mental struggle.”

  “I’ll wait until the next red light,” Amber joked as she watched the traffic lights changing ahead and knew they would get caught there for a while. She knew this wouldn’t be a long journey, so she would be safely tucked away at home soon. Waiting on the car to slow to a halt, Amber turned in her seat. “Connor proposed,” Amber said after Lucy had pulled on the handbrake.

  “But you slept with Ethan,” Lucy stated dumbfounded, her voice lost slightly and almost missed her cue to drive away with the rest of traffic. “I mean, how does this all work? I know I get around, but Amber, what the hell?”

  “Ethan’s with Eva and Connor proved me wrong on thinking he was neglecting me with life. He’s been setting up a life for me down there. He’s been making it perfect,” Amber said, rationalising heavily with the life with Connor. “Living there was heaven.”

  Lucy tested the silence, knowing her best friend well.

  “God, but waking up to Ethan was heaven too,” Amber literally growled out and took a massive inhale of breath.

  “Right,” Lucy said as she followed the road to the top of the hill, before turning left onto Amber’s road. It took her a few minutes of concentrated driving before she finally spoke. “You slept with Ethan, who you love, but you’re engaged to a man you love.”

  “I’m not engaged,” Amber stated blankly and just continued to look forward. “I couldn’t give him a yes without him showing to me that he loved me. What type of marriage starting ground is that?”

  “Well, it’s not,” Lucy commented and shrugged. “But if you love him, you’ll know it’s right.”

  Amber looked at her best friend. “Then why aren’t I engaged?” she asked the question blandly, not really putting much force into it and looked at Lucy’s profile as she drove. “If I love him, I’d know, so, why aren’t I engaged?”

  “Amber,” Lucy sighed as she pulled to stop outside Amber’s house. “Babe, I don’t know what to say because I’d be lying. I’ve never been in this predicament.”

  “Well then,” Amber said getting out of the car. She didn’t shut the door; she leaned back in, “I need time.”

  Lucy quickly got out of the car, seeing the dilemma spread across Amber’s face wildly. Locking her car door, Lucy spoke up, “I’m coming in. Ben can take a rain check.”

  “No, go on your date,” Amber smirked confidently at her best friend. “I need to run to the shops, I’ll pick up some wine.”

  “Okay,” Lucy grinned. “I’m bringing Channing Tatum.”

  “In what form?”

  “A naked form!” she quipped with a giggle and let her best friend leave to finally get home. Amber,” Lucy called stopping Amber midway up the path to the cottage. She waited for Amber to turn back before speaking, “Follow your heart.”

  ***

  Twirling her new iPhone in her fingers she contemplated on texting Ethan. Connor had bought her a new phone after he had seen her screen cracked beyond repair. He didn't need to know about the reason why. Startling her, her phone vibrated in her hand. It was a Facebook notification. Connor Mitchell - Missing my lady already, Amber Watson, this week has changed both our lives. Love you baby.

  Smiling, she walked over to her front door and picked up the mountain of mail from the floor. There were five, with Amber written in extremely familiar handwriting -Ethan.

  Sliding her pinky finger under the seal, she began to read the first one.

  Amber,

  Everything that has happened has been because we needed to feel this. We needed to be what we intended to be that night at Uni.

  It was because of you, that I found myself. Everything about you makes me fall all that much deeper in love with you. Yo
u are the reason why Amber, you are. I'm so sorry.

  Your Ethan.

  Feeling the emotion build, she opened the next one and a letter attached with a photo of them both fell out. Picking it up from the floor she turned it the right way up and saw those piercing blue eyes smile at her. Sniffling, she unfolded the paper.

  Ambi baby.

  Me and you, on our trip to Paris, to Disney. I did that to try to seduce you, I wanted you the whole time. I'm going crazy up here without you, it's driving me insane. I miss you. I miss every damn inch of you, fuck, I just need you, Amber. I could of easily just text you, or e-mailed you, but this seemed much more appropriate. We were meant to be Amber, please see it for me.

  I . LOVE . YOU. FOREVER.

  You're my Ambi, my star that shines in my sky. You're my reason Amber.

  You make it hard to breathe when I'm not here with you. Why do you do this to me? Do you think I enjoy watching Connor plaster you all over Facebook?

  Why have you done this?

  Why have you left me feeling so alone?

  Because my days aren't easy anymore, not like they used to be. These days just aren't easy anymore.

  I can't dig my way out. I thought Eva was the way to go, the way I could stay happy. But I just don't know Amber.

  I can't breathe you in anymore, I can't find you.

  I just want to cuddle you and watch Jeremy Kyle with you snuggled in my arms.

  My heart is torn in two Amber. It's torn. I can't keep spending my days thinking of days without you.

  I love you.

  I just love you Ambi.

  I can't think of you being alone in that cottage all on your own. You need me, admit it, you need me.

  Ethie.

  Every letter was similar, desperate pleads with her. But one hit her hardest...

  Amber,

  I can't do this anymore. I blame myself.

  Ethan.

  Falling to the floor with all the letters clutched to her heart, she cried hard. The sobs worked through her body, causing her lungs to ache with the lack of breath.

  Finally opening her eyes, her throat tight with her sobs, her eyes sore, Amber saw she had screwed the letters up by crushing them against her chest. Obsessively, she lay them on the floor, trying desperately to release the crinkles from the paper, but it was too late. She had damaged them like she had with her own heart.

  Playing loves game had ruined her. She allowed herself to be taken in by the whirlwinds of want and need and now found herself with the impossible realisation that it had always been Ethan regardless of how many times she forced herself to believe Connor was her way to that cherished happily ever after.

  Suddenly the walls of her elongated hallway began to move in, suffocating her inch by deathly inch, and she had to get out. Running for her car keys, she left the letters on the floor and ran from the house with only her keys and phone. Nothing else mattered but getting to Ethan’s house and that was where she would make everything work.

  Pulling up on the empty drive, she was completely oblivious to his missing Peugeot and ran for the door, fumbling shakily to find his front door key and pressed it into the lock. She turned it several times before the realisation hit her that the locks had been changed.

  Disbelievingly she ran across the flower bed so she could look in through the window. She now found it empty and her stomach bottomed. The plasma TV was now gone, the large leather sofas they had cuddled on during movie nights were replaced with large open spaces. There were no photos, no magazines, no mugs left around in true Ethan style.

  It was just dead space now.

  “No, no, no,” she begged heartbrokenly to herself as she moved away from the window. “Please, dear God, no.”

  She went back to the doorstep and thumped on the window of Ethan’s front door, literally falling onto it for support. The racing of her heart and the rapid heaves of her lungs were making her lose any form of rationality. She was a rush of manic emotions, her heart singing for her to kiss Ethan and mean it.

  Those letters had sealed it. He had delivered love to her when they were apart and just like him, Amber now found it impossible without him here with her.

  Trying to remain calm, thinking up scenarios that he was cleaning or moving the house around, she raced to the gate and found it unlocked. She would try everything to get into that house and find that some weird time warp had happened and Ethan was actually lounged out in front of some stupid show.

  She didn’t care that it was now pouring down with rain, and the skies were ignited with flashes of lightening. None of it mattered to her right now, because Ethan was gone. She stepped away from the patio window, backing away until she slipped from the step and landed on the grass below.

  Remaining unmoved, Amber felt a massive pain continually lance through her heart. Even with the rain falling, she just stared up at the house crying silently that it was all gone. This couldn’t be real. Pushing herself onto her knees, she was ignorant of the muddy puddles forming and how filthy she was becoming; she just pushed herself up unsteadily and tried Ethan’s number on her phone.

  Again there was the disconnected tone of a failed call.

  Finally going back to the front of the house, Amber found she couldn’t just leave. There was a piece of her hoping that Ethan was going to pull up and say it was a joke because she took too long to come home, or he was messing around with her. Anything other than he had left without a word to her. She had to stay here and tell him how she felt, how integral he was for her survival and how badly she had messed up.

  However, she knew it was all too little, too late.

  Here she was sat on his doorstep, the door unopened behind her, the house lifeless, her heart dead in her chest. She didn’t know it would take this to realise who she really loved.

  “He’s gone,” Lucy’s voice travelled up the drive at her. “He left officially yesterday.”

  Amber felt her jaw slacken in shock as she stared at Lucy. “You knew?” she asked and felt the anger and despair meddle as one and she felt herself break entirely. "You fucking knew?!" Amber yelled at Lucy as she stumbled to stand. "How could you? Why?"

  "He told me not to tell you," muttered Lucy. ”Come on Amb, let's get you out of the rain and back home."

  "No!" Amber yelled, the rage consuming her. "Where is he, Lucy? Tell me!"

  Lucy sighed and shook her head. "Not here, Amber. Come on."

  "I can't just – go," Amber whispered and fell back to the doorstep. "He wrote me letters, Lucy. Love letters and I only got them today. He knows I was back today. Why would he do this? I don't understand."

  "Amber, he's gone okay. He doesn't want to see you; he doesn't want to be with you. He's with Eva now. You left him to be with Connor in this vulnerable state and he's gone." Lightning struck behind Lucy and the thunder roared above them. "We need to go now, Amber."

  The words couldn't come. She had lost Ethan. Lost. He's gone, he didn't tell her. The memories of the house behind her flooded her mind. His touch, flooded her senses, she wanted to feel his arms around her. She wanted to hold the hand that saved her. "He saved me. Now he's gone." Lucy ran to her and pulled her up by her arm.

  "Come on!" Finding some strength Amber climbed to her feet and Lucy opened her car door for her to get in.

  "He even changed the locks," whispered Amber as she stared into nothingness that surrounded her. This wasn't her home any more. Ethan wasn't here. Fastening her seatbelt she became emotionless. The tears stopped and she pushed the wet hair away from her face. "I'm okay," she whispered to Lucy as she slammed the door and sat in the driver’s seat. The rain fell hard against the car roof and Lucy ignited the engine.

  "Let's go, have a girly night hey? It's gonna be okay, Amber, I promise."

  But what did promises solve? She knew full well her friend was only trying to help, but she was part of the issue. She knew that Ethan had left town, she knew that Amber was in a catch twenty-two, and she still led the lamb to the slaughte
r.

  Lucy had told her friend to follow her heart, and when she had, it was too late. Lucy had gotten her to this point and she hated it. She hated that Ethan was gone, that Lucy knew, that Eva had won, and that Connor halfway down the country.

  Amber spent the entire way home numb. She wasn’t sure if it was being caught out in the rain, or if it was just because she felt like her heart had been snatched from her chest. She didn’t even move when Lucy pulled up, turned the engine off and got out of the car.

  “C’mon,” Lucy said as she opened the door and literally pulled Amber from the door.

  Responding silently, Amber went to her house and let herself in. She said nothing as she walked each step slowly until she reached her bedroom. She didn’t move, Amber just stood in the doorway remembering everything that had happened in this room. The darkened room was filled with so many memories, so many emotions and she was overwhelmed. She looked over at the bathroom door and remembered when Connor had walked out that final day he left to start his new life, but quickly it was replaced with Ethan and her sharing a shower and making love against the tiles.

  Gasping for air, she literally staggered to the bed and fell onto it. She curled up into a ball, reminiscent of the foetal position and just pulled the pillow around her head, clinging onto it. She began to cry and sob, and heave on her grief and even continued when Lucy came into the room and wordless laid down with her.

  “Shh,” Lucy attempted to soothe her best friend, but it was useless, Amber was passed the point of being saved. She needed a firm hold and a chance to let this out. She had to cry herself dry or she would never recover.

  And Amber didn’t cease crying. This was her first night alone without Ethan officially in her life.

  She felt lost, she felt broken, but most of all she felt the tears fall all night long.

  Chapter Seventeen