The next two days were dull, lifeless. Amber didn't move from her house. She even stopped her only source of income by quitting her job. She didn't want to interact with shitty customers or shitty people. She just wanted to fall into an abyss of depression and allow it to wrap around herself.
Lucy had attempted to make her feel better that night she found out Ethan was gone. But she couldn't eat the Chinese she bought her or watch the movie. She just wanted to hide. Lucy left the day after promising to call but hadn't. Connor hadn't called either. No one called her and Amber was reminded that yet again, she was all alone in the world. If anything was right, it was when she said everyone left. No one stuck around to support her, care for her, love her. They all left when they saw a window of opportunity.
Her life was laughable. Amber Watson was nothing but a pitiable excuse for a human being. She got a degree she did nothing with, dreams she let disappear into a puff of smoke, a love life that would make anyone run and a family.
And she now knew what rock bottom looked like.
The scary part was that it looked exactly like reality. She wasn’t at the bottom of a big black well; she was still in her house with no lights on, barely anything electric running, the heating shut off, and emptiness swallowing every surface possible.
Dragging herself out of her bed, she sat on the edge and leaned forward until her elbows met her knees and she was literally curled up on herself, looking numbly out of the window at the little bit of scenery she had. It might be a beautiful sunset, but Amber no longer found a love of it. Nothing enthralled her anymore; she just wanted every day to pass by quickly and without any more damage being caused to her already fragile body.
She wasn’t sure how much more she could tolerate, but she was sure that a slight knock would send her barely holding on heart crashing to the floor ready to shatter into millions of irreparable pieces. She hated thinking that lies and deceit, love and lust had gotten her to this point. She had brought this on her fault for falling for men that were just full of futile words. Like the dreamer her father had teased her for, she fell head over heels for two men and waited too long to choose. Ethan was gone, and Connor was up to his old tricks and it had only been two days.
She looked at her phone, still tossed onto the bedside table and finally made her way down the stairs. She hadn’t touched it in days, but she picked it up and took it with her. Maybe today would get her an answer from Connor if she continued to be a masochist and ring him all over again.
Going down the stairs, she knew she should eat, she needed to, but she had no appetite. Amber knew this wallowing pit of blackness couldn’t last forever, but a part of her prayed that it would consume her soon so she wouldn’t have to deal with life anymore. Soon she would lose her house, her car, soon after her dignity, and she was well on her way to be able to starve to death.
Sitting at the kitchen table, Amber stared at the engagement ring before her. Connor vowed to make her realise he was serious about making her an honest woman, but she panicked that he would never want her when he saw what mess she was right now. Who wanted a pathetic excuse of a woman as a wife?
She began to laugh at herself a little, only stopping when she heard her phone ring out for the first time in days. She sat and stared at it for a moment, not moving much, just looking at the caller ID – Connor. He was finally calling her and she felt a light burst from within her, her blood warming up a little, her heart struggling for a pressure beat.
Snatching the phone up, she answered. “Hello,” she whispered into the phone, unable to project her voice much more than that.
“Amber,” Connor’s voice sang down the line at her. “Baby, you are literally impossible to get hold of, baby. Where have you been hiding?”
In bed, didn’t fall from her lips. Only lies did.
Amber could only listen as Connor babbled on about work and how much he missed her. She loved hearing the sound of his voice; she just wanted his arms to wrap around her. "I just want you home," she whispered as he spoke mid-sentence.
"Baby," he cooed in a hushed tone. “Are you okay?" Amber heard rustling in the background and a crunch as Connor ate some snack.
"I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss the way you would hum me to sleep, or stroke my cheek when I was sad. Yeah, it's only been a few days, but I can't do this, Connor. I can't do this at all. Everything has changed, Connor, everything. How do I live without you?"
"You'll be fine," Connor mumbled and Amber sighed a huge sigh of frustration.
"I'm not fine, Connor. I'm not fine at all. I feel like you don’t even want to talk to me right now."
"Of course I do, baby, it's just that my friend from work is over and he's waiting for me in the games room, y'know George that I told you about before?"
"Yeah I get that babe, but you called me. I'm missing you. Yorkshire isn't the same without you."
"And London isn't the same without you. I'll try visit soon, Amber, okay? You sound like you need sleep. Go see Ethan, have a gossip and a drink." Hearing his name, Amber put her hand to her mouth and swallowed a lingering cry.
"Sure," she barely whispered and Connor wrapped up the call.
Running upstairs, she pulled on a hoodie, track suit bottoms and switched on her iPod. Taylor swifts '22' came on and she snorted. "Not a time for dancing Tay." Amber began to frantically search her bedroom cupboards. She wanted alcohol and there was none. Ethan must have taken it all. He knew her all too well. Changing the track to a hard rock song she left her house and walked to the local corner shop. Picking up a large bottle of cider, she paid the Asian clerk and he handed her the cider in a blue bag. Walking home, through the village she grew up in, she felt physically sick. She was alone. She was born alone and now this was it. She couldn't think of anything else that would help. She needed to drink away this pain, let it glide away through her veins with alcohol. This time, Ethan wasn't here to save her.
Stopping at a bench, she sat down and let the still recurring rain drench her body. She was a shadow of the girl she used to be. Unscrewing the cap of the cheap dirty alcohol she took a large gulp and let the burn slide down her throat, right down to her empty stomach. The last time she ate properly was at Connor's, and she now wished she had never gone home.
"This is for Ethan, the man I loved and lost," she lifted the large bottle with both hands to the air and gulped some more. Feeling her phone vibrate in her pocket she shifted to answer it. Running her finger along the answer line she lifted it to her ear.
"You're not supposed to answer unknown numbers,” the threatening female voice she knew all too well was on the other line.
"Eva. What a not so pleasant surprise," Amber scoffed, and drank some more.
"Ergh, Lucy said you were a mess. Missing my Ethan are you?"
"Your Ethan, huh?" Amber said, placing the bottle on the ground. She didn't care if she got arrested for street drinking. "He's never been yours, Eva Pinder. Never." Eva's laugh echoed through the phone, and Amber no longer felt smug. She couldn't run Ethan's life for him, no matter how much she missed him. Wiping her face she sighed. "What do you want Eva?"
"To see how my best bud was doing, is that a problem?"
Laughing, Amber smirked. "Fuck off, Eva. You rang me to gloat, to remind me that I was now here all alone, depressed, miserable and you got it all. Just like everything else you wanted. You took the only man that ever truly cared away from me and captured him. You've broken my heart. So keep him and keep him safe. He's the best human being I've ever met. And if I hear you've hurt him, I'll find you and I’ll hurt you. Clear?"
She hung up the phone, her weak hands trembling and just wanting to be wanted by someone. Feeling like rock bottom was about to give way and send her deeper into hell, Amber made a bold move. She unlocked her phone and dialled a number she hadn’t in month.
“Mum,” she sobbed down the phone. “I really need you.”
“Well this is a surprise,” her mother’s tone came down the phone
at her. “Now you need us, you remember where we are.”
“You haven’t called me!” Amber barked down that phone, unable to keep her hurt on lock down anymore. “It’s a two way thing, and you forgot about me long before I did you!”
“Don’t start, Amber,” her mother shot her down. “Now what do you really want?”
Wiping her face, Amber took a steadying breath, deciding to be her mother’s daughter and just hope her mother would catch her. “I fell in love with two guys, mum. Connor, he’s offering me everything to make sure I have a perfect future, but Ethan, he’s the one. I don’t know what to do. It’s all going wrong for me.”
“It seems to me that you got yourself into this mess, and it’s up to you to get yourself out of it,” her mother told her back, her tone voice of emotional input. “Clearly you led two guys on, and now you’re stuck in a rut you’re looking for someone to make the decision for you. Well, Amber, wake up and realise that you’re in the wrong and you need to face up to your poor decisions.”
Amber couldn’t take anymore and hung up on yet another person. That was why she never called her mother for any help anymore. That was why she lived without her parents and was on her own. She was originally her mother’s poor decision after sleeping with no contraception, and it appeared that poor decisions run through the Watson clan.
It just didn’t help Amber right now to know that.
Especially since she had always heard everyone say you'll burn in hell for your killer sins, but if anyone asked Amber, she would passionately tell everyone that hell was the coldest place in life. She may have made bad choices in her life, but this hell was cold and derelict. It tortured her soul, stole her happiness and made sure she felt the loneliest person to ever walk the earth. There was no fiery heat here, or flaming bowels of hell that she had grown up believing in. No, this place was long and dead and never ending.
Her mother was the final straw and she threw the bottle of cider against one of the nearby trees before literally running home. She didn’t stop for anyone, she just ran and ran until she was able to collapse against her front door and realise she was back at her prison.
Driving the key into her the lock she entered her house and used her body to shut it as she slumped down onto the floor. She sat there for a moment, and pondered on what to do before she reached into her pocket for her phone. She pulled up Ethan’s number, and vowed to do this one final time.
By the second ring she was in floods of silent tears, sniffling to try and withhold their watershed. Amber closed her eyes as she was met with voicemail. It might not have been Ethan, but it wasn’t a disconnected tone making it impossible to get in contact with him.
When the beep sounded, she sat frozen for a moment before she spoke up.
“Hey Ethan,” she managed to start, but a sob fell out quickly after and she closed her eyes and tried to shake this off of her. “God, I tried not to be like this, but how can I not be when you left town and didn’t tell me. You literally abandoned me when all you’ve ever done is promise me you would be here. Ethan, you turned out to be like everyone else in my life.” Her sobs were incessant now, rolling out with each new words. “You were a total waste of my life, just like my parents, Lucy, Connor. Everyone is just the same and you, you, Ethan, you were the worst of them all.” She couldn’t stop herself from letting her grief just tumble out at him. “But whatever, I love you, and I know I will always love you, and I only want the best for you. I want you to live the life we dreamed of where you come home to the woman you love, and you have the job that makes you want to work every single day and I want you to make something of yourself. I just hate myself for choosing too late and listening to Eva get exactly what she knew she would. You.” Crying for a moment, Amber couldn’t withhold the grief from literally crawling from the bottom of her soul anymore. “I never want to see you again, Ethan. I don’t even think you’ll want to, but I want you to know that my life is worth nothing and you helped along with that decision. So, this is the last time you’ll hear from me. Live your life, and love it.”
She hung up the call and threw phone before falling to the side so she could curl up into a ball. She didn’t even care about the draught coming from under the door, running up her spine. Wiping her face, Amber didn’t stay there long. If she was going to stay anywhere, she was going to stay in her bed.
***
She was alone in this bed; comforted only by the photo Ethan left her and her body was no longer fighting her to eat. She drank when she needed to and used the bathroom when she needed to. She couldn't even bury herself in a book. This was what it feels like to have the person you love, who everyday stuck by you, only to lose them. This was the heart crushing pain that consumed your body. It made your skin pale and your blood run cold. It made your head hate you and your heart ache. She didn't want this. She never wanted this. The week with Connor made her happy, she was happy, even if she did miss Ethan more than anything. But at least she enjoyed his company, and missed what they were. But Ethan made her heart beat faster, her blood run warm, her skin golden. He was the answer but she couldn't have him. She didn't deserve him.
The birds were whistling outside as she contemplated with herself. She needed to be happy, and she wasn't happy here all alone. She wasn't happy in her home town, because Ethan wasn't here and neither was Connor.
She wanted Connor.
"I can't do this anymore," Amber spoke to herself and jumped from the bed. Opening her handbag she searched through and tipped it upside down. Lipstick tubes and her money all scattered onto the laminate flooring but she found the small velvet black box. Opening it, she pulled out the ring and tried it on her wedding finger. It ran over her knuckles and sat perfectly at the bottom. Her knees crossed beneath her, she stared at the ring in awe for a moment. Remembering what Arthur said, she jumped to her feet and breathed deeply in and out for a second. "I need to be me again."
Pulling out her suitcase she flung it onto the bed and threw all the clothing she could inside. Scooping up all the items in her drawers she placed them on top and tried hard to shut the zipper when it was full. Dialling Connors number, she had no answer, but she now knew what she had to do. What she needed to do.
Ethan didn't care, he left her, just like everyone else did. He ran away and didn't tell her. She knew, because Eva told her, but he still did it anyway regardless of her. He was selfish.
This was why she packed her bags and headed to the train station and prayed that she would see London soon and her life wouldn’t feel like such a failure. She counted her lucky stars when she found there was a train heading to London within the next twenty minutes, and she didn’t care about the price because that didn’t matter. Getting out of Leeds did and she knew she had to make it out as soon as. She had limited cash and little hope, but seeing that train ticket gave her optimism that this was the right move.
Buying herself a packet of cheese and onion crisps and a coke to build her strength up she sat on the train and fell asleep until she arrived in London.
"Love," muttered a stranger. "Love!" he repeated shaking Ambers shoulder. Opening her sleep deprived eyes she saw an old chunky man staring down at her. "We're at the last stop, you need to leave the train now."
Stretching, Amber thanked the man for waking her and grabbed her bags. She wrapped one around her body and carried the other. Walking through kings cross, she checked her purse. She had £200 in there, all she had left in the world. She walked out into the musky London air and inhaled deeply, ready to catch a taxi. Even though it was late evening, the streets were still bustling with bodies.
This was it. She'd left her home, to come live with the man who loves her. Connor loves her. She doesn't need to live with this guilt anymore, because Ethan's gone. Pulling out her iPhone she tried Connor's number again. No answer. She was nervous. Her stomach was somersaulting inside her, the acids flushing against her causing her hands to shake slightly. Suddenly starvation overwhelmed her, and she was desperate for
food.
As she told the cab driver where to go, she watched London through the window. This was a very different place to Yorkshire. Passing Big Ben and other famous landmarks she felt herself smiling. She would find a job, love and marry Connor and everything would be okay. Love triangles are not like they say, they aren't easy, not like in all the novels. She had hit rock bottom because of this, she felt like the weak child she was when she first ran away from home. Pulling her hoodie harsher around her, the cab driver pulled up to the side of the pavement.
"That's 30 quid please love," he literally shouted and she pulled out the cash and he helped her unload her bags.
Staring up at the building in front of her she smiled. Checking to her left, she saw Connor's car and walked through the apartment lobby. Pressing the button on the lift, she waited impatiently for it to descend from a higher level and it pinged as it reached the bottom. The doors opened and she walked in. Breathing in, and swallowing back her nerves she dropped her bag and tied her hair back. Cursing herself for not getting changed, she breathed back the bundle of nerves sitting in her stomach and exited the lift. This was it. She didn't know why she felt nervous or uneasy but she had to see Connor. Walking down the corridor she reached apartment 49b and knocked heavily on the door. Moving away from the peep hole, she giggled slightly and waited. After there was no answer she tried again. This time she heard voices.
“Leave it,” she heard Connor’s voice. Even through the thick wooden door, Amber could hear he was tense and didn’t want company. “It’s just about you and I tonight.”
Amber didn’t need to hear another voice to do the maths. Instead of fleeing, all of her emotions came together and she was compelled to knock on the door again. Her knuckles rapped on the oak and she could feel all of her depressive emotions coming together heatedly. The force and friction of her feelings churning into anger, and she was ready to face whatever new drama life was going to torture her with. This might well be her breaking point, but she needed to face this before she ran away.
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